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What are the nature of the boundaries you have set with your dil, ds, dd?

Started by Tara, January 26, 2011, 11:11:14 PM

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Tara

Dear Wise Women

In the last week or so there have been some comments about how the importance of  setting boundaries.  I am starting to work more with boundaries with my ds and in particular one new boundary is that I have stopped initiating  contact with him but do return calls and am kind and polite when I talk to him.  I would appreciate  hearing what about the nature of the boundaries you are setting and what is working for you and perhaps giving you more peace of mind, joy, well being






Pen

Hi Tara, this should be an interesting and informative topic.

I don't initiate contact unless absolutely necessary. Like you I'm warm and interested, & will return calls or texts, etc.

I don't sit and wait for DS & DIL to show - we go ahead and eat at the set time, and if they miss it they miss it.

I don't accept rude comments about me, my family, or my home.

I don't pay for everything when we go out. They can cover their own expenses.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

I do sometimes, initiate contact, through emails and phone calls, however, mostly let them call me...they are good at keeping me informed, and I don't give any advice when they share personal things with me...even if I'd feel they are wrong, I'd never tell them so, my theory is to be supportive no matter what happens...they are grown adults, and they are able to work things out on they're own...continually tell myself, it's they're life, they're time, so don't interfer.  If they ask me, my opinion that's different, however, it seems to work pretty good.  Allowing them to initiate contact seems to work best....for us....

They live far away, which is good...however, even if they lived close by, I would never ever just pop in they're home for a visit...
They are busy with they're own lives, and I know how important, it is when you work full time, to have personal down quiet time in your own home...

It would drive me nuts when my mother or mother in law would just drop by and they did it a lot...so, knowing that, I just normally keep a distance...but it comes natural to me to do that, b/c I am like that.

I would never go into my DIL's home and clean unless she asked me to help...I'm a guest in her home, and it is as much her home as my son's, she is the lady of the house...

When my son was growing up, I trained him to be self sufficent, he could cook, do laundry, shop, clean...so, to me, and for me, training a child to be independent is the best....rather then doing everything for him...I didn't want to create a monster for the women he married, so there was no way, he sat around watching TV while she worked and did chores...he pitches in, he always has, even when he was a young boy, we all helped out...

I do the same thing Pen, when I cook, if anyone is late, no matter who it is, we dit down and start to eat, I would never put anyone out, b/c someone was so rude as to not show up on time for a meal....and I would also make it known to them, that we don't do that, when your invited for a meal...it just isn't proper...so, my son pretty much knows how I feel about that...and he or my DIL have never done something like that...and when they are coming, they always call to let me know how far away they are...because they fly in...and my GD seems to enjoy doing that....

When they come to visit, we share expenses, but I always love to treat them...and I also cater to what DIL likes...plus plan day trips that GD would enjoy, and if they don't feel up to going, then we don't...it's totally they're call....

Scoop

I think this is interesting to think about.  As a DIL, I was trying to answer the question without looking like I set rules out for my IL's & my Mom.  But then I started branching out and I thought about it and all/most of my boundaries apply to EVERYONE.

- I don't go into other people's bedrooms / private bathrooms, I expect mine to be off limits too

- I don't drop in to ANYONE's house, ever and when it happens to me, I don't like it

- If someone wants to come visit me, I don't expect for them to wait for an invitation, nor do I expect them to TELL me when they're coming.  I expect them to say "We were thinking of coming for this weekend, does that work for you?"  And give me enough notice, I'm a planner, and I want to be able to plan the visit.  So don't tell me on Tuesday that you're coming to visit on Thursday for the weekend - I won't be happy.  (I'm looking at YOU MIL.)

- If I'm having guests, I try to plan food / outings that they would enjoy.  If I don't know, then I ask about favourite foods (especially for kids).  It's always nice to go somewhere and know that the host is accommodating you.  I also have an explicit 'deal' - I don't work at your house, you don't work at mine.  So when we have guests, they are treated like guests and are not expected to help in any way.  Now the exception to this is my Mom, because she can't stand to be idle, and she often comes for longer visits.  BUT given the choice between her making supper or her playing with DD - I always tell her to go play.

- I don't talk about money, how much things cost or how much people earn.

- I don't make comments on how other people parent their kids and I respect their decisions regarding food, toys, clothes etc.  I expect my choices to be respected.

- I don't ask for help.  If we move, we hire movers.  If we're doing work around the house, we hire helpers.  If we can't afford it, we don't do it.  If family / friends OFFER to help, I will consider very carefully before accepting.  That being said, I will only offer to help people if I can do it without regret or resentment.

- I'm careful with my pets, I don't let them be pests to our guests.  I don't treat my pet like a beloved child, so I don't expect my guests to either.  That being said, I understand that dogs are dogs, they eat, they poop, they like to do things the same way all the time.  So I don't mind if your clean little dog sleeps in my guest bed with you.  But please keep her off the living room sofa.  I will do the same at your house.

- I try to mesh our schedule with our guests / hosts schedule, but please be aware that the schedule of the littlest ones ALWAYS trumps the adults schedule - no matter where we are.

That's all I can think of for now.  I'll add more if I think of any.

cremebrulee

scoop, agreed...very nicely said...your thoughtful and polite...

except for the part of my dog being on the sofa, he's a Bichon, so he doesn't shed...however, I would prefer no one bring they're dogs to my house and I would do the same, if I were visiting, I'd board my dog...or pay someone to take care of him....

unless it's an emergency...that's different...my aunt was a dog trainer, and I come from a long line of animal people, and we're pretty strict, I won't ever do a dog park...don't believe in allowing someone else's dog to drink out of my dogs bowl or visa versa, and dogs are still animals...loved my animals dearly, but they are still animals.  I was simply trained that way due to dog infections and viruses....We bred dobies...at one time...as well, had horses, and other farm animals.  My uncle was a horse trainer, breeder and rode in shows...so I learned a whole lot from my extended family....


Scoop

Yeah Creme, we bring our dog with us, with the permission of our hosts, and we don't have a problem with anyone bringing their dogs to our house.  We've done dog-sitting for friends too.  The only rule is that we don't allow dogs on the living room sofa, all others are okay.  And if your dog insists, then put him/her on your lap.  It's mostly the claws on the leather that I don't want.

At the IL's, we keep our dog off the furniture too, because that's what they want.  They have a Bichon too and she's a good little dog, but she barks and it drives me bonkers.  Okay, there's the exception to the rule, when DD was a wee baby, we asked the IL's not to bring their dog over because she barks too much (and can't be shushed).  In retrospect, I'm sure this caused all sorts of resentment with them, because I'm pretty sure that DH didn't explain WHY they couldn't bring the dog, he just told them not to.  DD was never a good sleeper and sleep was like CRACK for me, I would do anything to get it.  Also, I threatened that if anyone woke my baby, I would gut them with a rusty knife.

There that made me think of other boundaries, re: babies

- I don't take flash photos of new babies.

- I wash my hands before holding/touching babies.

- I don't touch strange babies at all.

- I don't call new parents too much, for fear of waking them / the baby.  I tell them to call me anytime and why.

- I understand if the parents of any age kid have to get off the phone to handle something.

LaurieS

I'm not one for setting boundaries for what one can do or not do while at my home.  I personally don't see those as true boundaries but as rules.  God knows I was raised with so many rules that they began to replace love. 

I hope that anyone that comes to visit has some common sense and that they use it. I do not tend to associate with many people who are that terribly lacking in common sense or self pride.  The boundaries that I tend to set has more of a slant on mutual respect, and appreciation. 

I will try to be tolerant of individuals likes and dislikes, but will quickly remind my family that I have the same right to have my own dislikes, in the event that they forget. 

If I feel overwhelmed and feel the need to step back while I absorb a mountain of input, I expect others to value my needs and give me my space.

I will not accept being set up for failure especially from a family member. 

If we are being approached for any type of loan or aid, it must be approached in a business manner, with guidelines for interest, payments, etc intact as part of the process.

If I am lied to, I will eventually stop believing in you.


Pen

What I find interesting in my situation is that I have boundaries, set by me in response to attitudes by DS & DIL, but they don't have any and DIL's FOO doesn't either. Now I'm a little irked and my need for justice is showing. Time to redirect and reflect. Outside chores are calling.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

LaurieS

Or did you mean to say that you have boundaries set by ds/dil for you to abide by while her FOO doesn't seem to have any boundaries set pertaining to their relationship with the couple.

Tara

Such good food for thought.  I realize that I have given advice to our kids unsolicited.  That is going to stop. 

I have some questions but will wait until we hear more.

luise.volta

Boundaries have very difficult for me. I have always had a hard time knowing where others leave off and I begin. It's a Pisces thing. With my kids, it was that once they entered the adult world ready-or-not, they couldn't return home except as a guest. And if they borrowed money and it wasn't paid back according to plan, it was the last loan.

I think setting boundaries for myself has been harder than setting them for others. How much and how long and where to volunteer, for instance. It's been very hard to learn to say, "No." 
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

holliberri

Tara,

I might add...a boundary for you: tell them that if they have an issue with you, to please CALL you, or try to talk about it in person. My mother and I got past so much b/c we quit with the e-mails and the texting. It's been wonderful...and sometimes face to face isn't all the terrible things we imagine it to be.

You might stave off a lot of the miscommunication that I read about on here.

Pen

Quote from: Laurie on January 27, 2011, 08:27:18 AM
Or did you mean to say that you have boundaries set by ds/dil for you to abide by while her FOO doesn't seem to have any boundaries set pertaining to their relationship with the couple.

DS/DIL didn't set my boundaries, I did. Somehow I gathered that DIL wasn't a last minute drop in kind of gal when it came to me or DH. She also didn't seem to like DS talking to me on the phone, so I decided to let him call me which he does when DIL is out of town. We put ourselves on restriction before having to be told, I guess. We didn't want to be the buttinsky ILs from the hot place.

DIL's FOO drops in whenever they like, calls or texts many times a day, gives advice, asks for and gets help from them, etc. In other words, they act like a close, perhaps a bit enmeshed, family. They are DS's shiny, new, fun family. We are treated as odd acquaintances who are occasionally thrown a bone. (I'm a little jealous, yeah.) We've yet to be invited to DS/DIL's home except to help them move which we did twice. We declined their kind invitation the last move, LOL.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Scoop

Ooh! Courtney you reminded me of another 1 (or 2).

DH and I have 2 basic principles to our marriage. 
They're lines from an old internet joke about what Men wish Women knew.

1 - I can't read your mind.

We've stated this explicitly to each other.  How liberating to stop hinting or huffing and puffing when I wanted help.  Now, I don't expect him to read my mind or notice something, I tell him straight out.  And he always come through for me.

2 - If I say something to you and it can be taken 2 ways, and one of those ways makes you cry, I meant the OTHER way.

Again, it's an explicit  statement of intention.  It sounds stupid to say it out loud, but it really is liberating.  I've even found that it's a good principle to use in Life - that in general people don't mean to hurt us.  (And really, if they mean to be mean, and they fail at hurting me, because I took it the OTHER way, then they've failed and I'm just as happy about it.)

holliberri

Quote from: Scoop on January 27, 2011, 11:55:32 AM
2 - If I say something to you and it can be taken 2 ways, and one of those ways makes you cry, I meant the OTHER way.

Scoop,

Can you please detail this in an example for me...I think I might be able to put  this to good use with MIL, but I'm not quite clearn on what you mean. Thank you! Thank  you!  :)