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Grief/Guilt/Despare-there is hope!

Started by meanlady, January 23, 2011, 04:12:14 PM

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meanlady

January 23, 2011, 04:12:14 PM
    MY story.  I have sons that live 10 miles from me and they never visit or help me around the house but they had time for their dad.  I would hear the stories of things they do for their dad and stepmom and it brought to mind all the lousey things their dad did to us when they were growing up. For mothers day my son showered his stepmom with gifts and my other son told me all about how nice he was to stepmom.  He spent 15 minutes with me and then he had to run. The hurt was unbelievable.  Then stepmom calls one day and tells me what an unfit mother I was.  :(   Their deadbeat dad was a drug and alcohol abuser for most of their childhood and I tried to hold it together. My biggest mistake was staying with him longer than I should have.
    After they moved out of the house, I used alcohol on the weekends to stuff the hurt.   I would start drinking vodka at 9 a.m. to stuff the pain of being rejected by kids.  They never even called to ask how I was.  They didn't realize I was drinking heavily.   Months would go by and I wouldn't hear a peep from them    I would drink and work in my garden by myself all day long.  The sadness my heart felt was unbelievable!   I would go through days I wished I was dead because it all hurt too bad.  I honestly wished I was dead because the pain in my heart was palpable.  Then in an ironic twist of fate I received some bad news from my doctor and it seemed that God might have been listening to my pleas after-all.   Bad blood tests that indicated cancer.  After tests, the oppinion was ovarian cancer that had spread to my lung.   First I was scared and then I realized I really did want to live!  I have never been a religious woman but I did use meditation in the past to help with work related stress.   I turned the meditation into high gear and one morning a couple days before surgery while meditating I had a peace fill my heart like I had never experienced before in my life and a voice in my ear told me that I would be fine.  Turns out I am fine but my blood still contains the tumor markers and they really aren't sure where the cancer is because it isn't showing up on the scans.   Maybe it is a medical fluke?   All I know is that their is a higher power that I now trust my life with and I have turn over my guilt to that power for maybe not being the perfect June Clever mom.    My grief is on-going and a natural process of losing the expectations of having good adult relationships with my kids.   For my sanity I have moved on and if they need me they know where I am but I will not be used as a doormat...  My life is valuable now and each one of us has to know that we only have finite time here on this earth and we need to make the best of it.   Last year I threw my own party for mother's day and invited my kids, mom in law, sister etc..because I do deserve a party and recognition for a job well done .  We all do!



luise.volta

January 23, 2011, 04:38:21 PM #1
Change your name! You're no "mean" lady! You've come a long, tough road and you are hanging in and healing! Good for you! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

January 23, 2011, 05:19:09 PM #2
Yours is the 3rd personal story regarding the power of prayer in healing serious illnesses I've heard this week. Coincidence? I agree w/Luise about your name - if positive thoughts can cure, what can negative thoughts do?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

meanlady

January 23, 2011, 05:22:34 PM #3
"Meanlady" is an affectionate name husband calls me because I get worked up over politics.    :D 

Pen

January 23, 2011, 05:31:32 PM #4
Thanks for the heads up ;)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

January 23, 2011, 08:03:12 PM #5
Good to know!  :)

My kid's father used to call me "Meece" in an affectionate way. He was joking about extending the word "mama" to "Mamoose" and "Mameece." Don't ask, I never got it but he was having fun.  ;D ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

January 24, 2011, 04:42:53 AM #6
You are doing great ML!  Hang in there!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pooh

January 25, 2011, 05:09:13 AM #7
Courtney, I think you have to decide on what type of party you are going to do first.  Like, if you are going to gear it more towards a "Moms" day out, then just the women.  But if you are going to bill it more of a "Celebrating Our Moms" then I think you should invite the men and children.

Just my two cents...hee hee...because now I am seriously considering hosting a "MIL" party one day!   ;D
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pooh

January 25, 2011, 06:14:37 AM #8
I think you have a plan and it sounds wonderful!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

meanlady

January 25, 2011, 02:17:24 PM #9
Courtne,  Invite everybody!  :D  I don't get upset if they can't make it.   Actually it's me celebrating raising my children.  I have it on Mother's Day and I BBQ.    You deserve the best!   :D
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