Daughter Says She Loves Me but....

[Puzzled in NC]

Hello, this is my first posting here.  Just recently I have discovered that my daughter apparently has no use for me and will not tell me why.  I will admit we were not close as she might have wanted us to be when she was growing up but I did the best by her that I knew how.  I didn't come from an affectionate sort of family so I didn't know how to cuddle or nurture in the manner my daughter apparently thinks I was supposed to.  At any rate, through the years I was always there for her if she needed me...when my mother was placed in a nursing home I sold the house we shared and moved closer to my daughter and her family.  Paid for the renovation of her kitchen, put in a huge chain link fence for her two little girl's and their dog to be secure in and was the built-in babysitter whenever she needed one.  Now the money from the sale of the house I shared with my mom is gone so to speak and I was forced to make my home with my daughter and her family.  I had loaned them some money to help them get the house they are now living in but the day they moved me from the apartment I did have about 20 miles from their former house I was informed that I would NOT be able to make my home with them indefinitely...I never expected to but at my age (58) and with very few marketable skills you don't just go out and find a job.  Now my son in law, who is career military, found out he is on Rapid Deployment (30 days notice) and roughly three days ago he told me I had to be out of this house by the time he deployed.  With no job, no money...where am I supposed to go or do?  The anger my daughter feels towards me has just now come to the forefront and it doesn't have anything to do with the deployment of her husband...she began talking about me getting out the day after I got here on the 13th of November of 2010.  I am at a total loss as to why my daughter feels the way she does...she says I am a fantastic grandmother but apparently just because we were not close when she was little she is more than willing to kick me to the curb. 

[Faithlooksup]

Dear Puzzled and Welcome to WWU!!!!

I am sorry that this is happening to you, and I feel your worry and pain....You have done so much and then we get the ultimate slap in the face...

Personally and in my humble opinion, I would Love to see you become a "greater" stronger independant woman and YOU can do this...  For you dont want to live with your family forever, for it just does NOT always work out.

Is there anyway just you and your daughter can sit down and talk heart to heart?  To explain the reasons why you were not the nurturing Mother to her which you so wanted to be, that you simply did not know how to be this way, and that yes this hurts you deeply.....Sometimes talking things out brings greater understanding.....But, let her have the floor and listen to every word she has to say...no, interupting let her talk.....she is angry and she needs to let it out....and yes, Mom you need to hear what she has to say.  We all need to go back to our past in order to learn for our future.  It is not always a pretty picture when this happens, however knowing and understanding the truth of past hurts and mistakes can open doors for healing and forgiveness to take place.

Also, could there be a way that your daughter can help you find a job??  Even at a grocery store being a checker, or at a resturant~~anything just to start saving for your own nest, your own abode.  She has got to give you some time in this.  Have you considered even renting a room somewhere if push comes to shove and her heart becomes more hardened?  Please check out all options...for you have to have a roof over your head.....

I wish you well, you are not alone...we are always here...

Sending lots of Hugs across the miles...Faith

[Puzzled in NC]

Thank you for the welcome, Faithlooksup.  She won't tell me why she is so angry so there is no way to sit down and talk.  The only thing she wants is for me to get out of her house.  I should explain a bit more...when I loaned her the money to put with what she and her husband got out of their other house (the last bit of money I had in savings so to speak) she told me that 4 bedroom houses were a lot more expensive than she had planned on so I would have to help out if I expected to have a place to stay.  I did that by giving her the extra money and that was right at or close to nine months ago now.  If she felt that way about me then why didn't she just tell me I would never be welcome to make my home with her at that time?  You must understand, I had NO idea she felt this way.  She is 37 years of age and through all the years since she first stood on her own I have been there to help her.  When she and her husband were first stationed in San Diego I saw to it that they had things they needed to make a nice place to stay.  When she got pregnant with my first granddaughter I sent her clothes, a really nice backrest so she could sit in bed comfortably, and other such things.  At that time my son-in-law's pay was good but maternity clothes and California prices being what they are...AKA very, very expensive...I tried to help out in any way I could.  When my second granddaughter was born they didn't have a lot of money to spare but more than with the first baby yet formula being what it is in cost, diapers and so on I sent her at least $75.00 a month to help out with that plus stuff for the oldest granddaughter like clothes or shoes.  I've tired so hard to figure out where this fury towards me is coming from...the only thing I am able to come up with is that I was not the demonstrative mama she wanted when she was little. I've heard her refer to me as a damned butch behind my back and worse that I won't print on this site...this is not the relationship I had ever thought I would have with my daughter.  Even her dad, my ex, is totally puzzled by her attitude towards me.  He has told her, "I know you and your mom weren't close when you were growing up, sugar, but darn...that is your mama and she has helped you and Charlie out each and every time you two have ever needed it.  You just can't kick her to the curb like she is a piece of trash."   

[Pooh]

Welcome Puzzled and so sorry you are going through this.

As I was reading your story, all I could think of was that old saying, "One Mother can take care of 10 kids, but 10 kids can't take care of one Mother."

It is sad that she is choosing not to remember all the help you have given her.  But I wanted to ask you something.  Have you been searching for a job since you moved in with them?  The reason I am asking is that I know it is hard to find jobs right now, but if she has not seen you looking, could she be thinking that you are not and that you are planning on living with them forever?  And that maybe they thought that by giving you a deadline, it would make you look? 

For all I know, you have been searching frantically and she is just being unsupportive, but that is why I am asking?

[seasage]

Hello, this is my first posting here.  Just recently I have discovered that my daughter apparently has no use for me and will not tell me why. 
...
Paid for the renovation of her kitchen, put in a huge chain link fence for her two little girl's and their dog to be secure in and was the built-in babysitter whenever she needed one.  Now the money from the sale of the house I shared with my mom is gone so to speak and I was forced to make my home with my daughter and her family.  I had loaned them some money to help them get the house they are now living in but the day they moved me from the apartment I did have about 20 miles from their former house I was informed that I would NOT be able to make my home with them indefinitely...

Puzzled,
Welcome to WWU.  You will find lots of support from other women here. 

You need money and a place to live.  It's time to call in those "loans" you made to your DD and SIL, since the previous agreement that you would live with them is not working.  I hope you have some email exchanges regarding these loans!  Your DD and SIL must start payment on the loans immediately, as you now need your money back in order to support yourself.  I don't know if this will require a lawyer or not. Perhaps your ex can give you good advice here!  Start moving on a job today.  Put on your best clothes, walk into every store in your area, and introduce yourself to the manager.  Your community may also have special resources for women who are looking for jobs.  Walk into those agencies also.  (Don't call - go.  Remember that the squeaky wheel gets oiled, and the person standing in front of the desk gets the job.  Phone calls don't work in today's economy.)

We are all pulling for you.  You have received a big kick in the solar plexus, but you can recover.  We send you strength and motivation.

[jill]

Hi Puzzled and welcome to WWU.  You will get lots of support and comfort here.  I know how you are feeling about being kicked to the curb.  I do not live with my odd but a few months ago she told me all about her awful childhood and    how badly I had treated her, resentment that had apparently being built up for years.  Right now, I do not know if or when I will see her again, and my heart is broken.  With the help of the wise women here, I am gradually trying to mend.

I would not blame yourself for the way you nurtured your child, I am sure you loved her and did the very best you could, and it sounds like you have been helping her out all her life.  She is just finding an excuse for her actions.  I am wondering, do you think this is your son-in-law's idea?  I personally have a friend who this happened to, she is quite a bit older than you, in her mid-seventies, when her daughter announced she would have to find  somewhere else to live, it made her so stressed and physically sick, she ended up in the hospital.  Because of this, her doctor was able to help her get into a senior's apartment.    So, if I were you, I would immediately try to find what kind of help is available to you, such as subsidized housing, welfare etc.  I would also try to find any kind of work you can, retail, home cleaning, babysitting  etc. , anything you can do to try to become independent.

Unfortunately our children seem to forget everything we have done for them, and just think of themselves.  I wish you the very best of luck....Jill

[LaurieS]

Puzzled,
Welcome to WWU.  You will find lots of support from other women here. 

You need money and a place to live.  It's time to call in those "loans" you made to your DD and SIL, since the previous agreement that you would live with them is not working.  I hope you have some email exchanges regarding these loans!  Your DD and SIL must start payment on the loans immediately, as you now need your money back in order to support yourself.  I don't know if this will require a lawyer or not. Perhaps your ex can give you good advice here!  Start moving on a job today.  Put on your best clothes, walk into every store in your area, and introduce yourself to the manager.  Your community may also have special resources for women who are looking for jobs.  Walk into those agencies also.  (Don't call - go.  Remember that the squeaky wheel gets oiled, and the person standing in front of the desk gets the job.  Phone calls don't work in today's economy.)

We are all pulling for you.  You have received a big kick in the solar plexus, but you can recover.  We send you strength and motivation.

Good advice Seasage.  From what you said, I did not take it that your daughter is angry with you as much as disappointed that you ran out of money.  If a windfall came your way I'd be willing to bet that there would once again be a reason that they required part of it.  I've seen firsthand a son do this to his 80 year old mother.. got her money then they couldn't shover her into a state run nursing home fast enough.  Problem is.. you're only 58.

I do not know the backgrounds of all the ladies here, but I like you, do not have what I would consider many marketable skills for the world today.  I moved from home when I was 16 with a pack of cigarettes and a lot of blue jeans, that was it.  The first lesson I learned was that I was willing to beg, borrow, or steal if need be.. the second was I always had at least one of my multiple weekly jobs in a restaurant... I was guaranteed a meal if nothing more. As a waitress I pulled a pretty good pay check (and food).

As Seasage said.. I'd definitely demand repayment of the loans since they defaulted on the agreement.  Yes, email, etc would help to prove that they existed, but so would your bank records.  Knowing me, I'd probably refuse to leave or be bullied until I did receive a large hunk of cash.  Talk to the local police station, City Hall, find out what shelter may be available in your area, if you find that you really are in a bind.... I'm so incredibly sorry this is happening to you.

[luise.volta]

Your daughter not liking you is something you may never understand. We have women here who were very warm and affectionate mothers and who are getting exactly the same treatment; "You didn't do it (parenting) right!"

I don't know where it comes from, but the mind set that money borrowed from parents is not the same as money borrowed from an outside lender...is rampant. It's called "entitlement" by some. Parents simply don't count. Paperwork is poor or lacking completely and who fears repossession or foreclosure from their "folks"?

When I was a full time RVer, I met retired people from all over the country. The one thing most of them had in common as they visited back and forth was how financially secure they would be if their adult children paid them back what they owed them. The RVers would say to me on those occasions, "You know how it is." And I would say, "No, not really."

My sons knew that any loan not paid on time and according to plan would the the last one. And no new loan would be initiated until the prior one was retired. I have also gifted them money and made it clear that no pay-back would be accepted. But clarity, proof of the ability repay and enforcement are part of loans or they can't be called that.

You lived with your mom, so it might have seemed natural for you to live with your daughter after your mom went to nursing and the house was sold. In that case, improving their place must have seemed quite natural to you. In an unspoken manner, you were paying your way in advance.

I agree that you need to see an attorney but that, too, costs money unless one will work pro-bono for you. If your SIL told you that your stay was temporary and DD told you from day one to move on, none of this can come as a surprise. For whatever reasonl, they don't want you there. It must be a very uncomfortable place to be. You can probably put a lean on their place if you have proof of the loans and non-payment, but they may stay there and outlive you and escape it that way. The lean would only be exercised if they sold, as I understand it.

58 isn't old and there are ways to lower your standard of living to allow for low income. There are always menial jobs out there that none of us want to do. I retired in 1997 at age 60 on $495. a month. I got a used RV, joined a camping club and lived very comfortably and responsibly moving from one park to another. That's not everyone's solution and I would need more money to do it now...but it's an example of how to adapt.

At this time, "why" is a moot point...and survival needs to be your focus. Sending love...

[Puzzled in NC]

Hello...yes I have been searching for work.  It isn't like when I was young and you had a paper employment form to fill out.  The sort of jobs I could work now do all of their "testing" online and I've exhausted that option and she has seen me filling them out.     

Welcome Puzzled and so sorry you are going through this.

As I was reading your story, all I could think of was that old saying, "One Mother can take care of 10 kids, but 10 kids can't take care of one Mother."

It is sad that she is choosing not to remember all the help you have given her.  But I wanted to ask you something.  Have you been searching for a job since you moved in with them?  The reason I am asking is that I know it is hard to find jobs right now, but if she has not seen you looking, could she be thinking that you are not and that you are planning on living with them forever?  And that maybe they thought that by giving you a deadline, it would make you look? 

For all I know, you have been searching frantically and she is just being unsupportive, but that is why I am asking?

[Puzzled in NC]

Hello...Thank you for the welcome.  You asked if my son-in-law could be behind it and I don't see him as being the main one.  He is the peacemaker by nature but he isn't going to rock his boat to help me out.   

Hi Puzzled and welcome to WWU.  You will get lots of support and comfort here.  I know how you are feeling about being kicked to the curb.  I do not live with my odd but a few months ago she told me all about her awful childhood and    how badly I had treated her, resentment that had apparently being built up for years.  Right now, I do not know if or when I will see her again, and my heart is broken.  With the help of the wise women here, I am gradually trying to mend.

I would not blame yourself for the way you nurtured your child, I am sure you loved her and did the very best you could, and it sounds like you have been helping her out all her life.  She is just finding an excuse for her actions.  I am wondering, do you think this is your son-in-law's idea?  I personally have a friend who this happened to, she is quite a bit older than you, in her mid-seventies, when her daughter announced she would have to find  somewhere else to live, it made her so stressed and physically sick, she ended up in the hospital.  Because of this, her doctor was able to help her get into a senior's apartment.    So, if I were you, I would immediately try to find what kind of help is available to you, such as subsidized housing, welfare etc.  I would also try to find any kind of work you can, retail, home cleaning, babysitting  etc. , anything you can do to try to become independent.

Unfortunately our children seem to forget everything we have done for them, and just think of themselves.  I wish you the very best of luck....Jill

[Pen]

Puzzled in NC, welcome. Let me add my support to those who've already posted. It sounds as if you and DD & SIL had an agreement regarding your help in buying the larger home so you'd have a place to live. If they are reniging on that deal, I agree with Seasage that they need to pay you back ASAP.

I hope you are on your way to independence very soon. There but for fortune, as the old folk song says. Those of us women of a certain age can relate, no matter what our current situation. Best wishes to you and {{{hugs}}}

[Puzzled in NC]

Thank you, all of you, for the kind words of encouragement.  I am still trying to figure out what I did or didn't do to bring about this situation with my only child.  She won't sit down with me, I can barely get a civil word out of her on a day to day basis as it is and when I have tried to find out why she hates me so much she tells me:  "I don't hate you.  You are a fantastic grandmother and I don't want to mess the relationship that you have with Emma and Hailey up but you and I know we never got along to begin with and it is too late for that sort of bonding.  Now, leave it at that."   Like I said before, I knew we weren't close when she was little due to my lack of parenting skills and the sort of parenting skills I had grown up with to draw experience from but I had no idea it was/is as bad as it apparently is.  My son-in-law, for the most part is in the middle although he is going to side with Laura on all things...let's face it...you don't rock your own boat or as he terms it he is the buffer...plus the fact he is on Rapid Deployment is an added burden for all of us.  If we had at least six months to work on moving me out that might be one thing but we don't.  So...the only ray of light at the end of this tunnel that is so dark is that believe it or not my ex-husband, who is as upset over this situation and the attitude of Laura as I am, has spoken to his boss and I have a chance at a job if I ace the interview.  So, how about a lot of prayers going out to a still puzzled, still hurting mama in NC.   

[LaurieS]

Does the ex have a room to rent out as well?  You'll do fine, just concentrate on the talents you do have and not the skills that you are lacking... remember the phrase.. I'm a fast learner, I'm a fast learner

FYI - You will be asked to remove all personal names from your posting.

[Pooh]

Hello...yes I have been searching for work.  It isn't like when I was young and you had a paper employment form to fill out.  The sort of jobs I could work now do all of their "testing" online and I've exhausted that option and she has seen me filling them out.     

Welcome Puzzled and so sorry you are going through this.

As I was reading your story, all I could think of was that old saying, "One Mother can take care of 10 kids, but 10 kids can't take care of one Mother."

It is sad that she is choosing not to remember all the help you have given her.  But I wanted to ask you something.  Have you been searching for a job since you moved in with them?  The reason I am asking is that I know it is hard to find jobs right now, but if she has not seen you looking, could she be thinking that you are not and that you are planning on living with them forever?  And that maybe they thought that by giving you a deadline, it would make you look? 

For all I know, you have been searching frantically and she is just being unsupportive, but that is why I am asking?

Thanks for answering the questions.  Then I have to agree with the others that they were seeing you a money-train.  I also understand how hard it is for you to find work at your age.  I would hate to have to go look again.  But I am also a firm believer that if you want to work, you can find something.  It may not be glamorious or your dream job, but I would waitress, work fast-food, retail, or whatever if I found myself out of a job right now.  Keep looking and keep your head up.  You can do this!

[luise.volta]

And yes, that's correct. Please modify all posts with names in them. Too personal and could backfire on you/us. Thanks!