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I don't understand my adult children

Started by pcbd1234, January 22, 2011, 01:21:06 PM

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holliberri

I know the bunnies aren't that big of a deal. I just get frustrated finding a spot for all of this stuff...and I do believe that if MIL were watching DD everyday, she'd be taken on shopping sprees and everything else. Plus, by her own admission, MIL is not a disciplinarian. She says that is not was GPs are for.

The medicine would be a big issue with me. I saw my SIL's mom giving my nieces pickle juice in lieu of their medicine. She was given instructions to give them the antibiotic. I just have no idea why anyone wouldn't follow a parents' instructions about medicine and supplements for their children. Especially with anitbiotics. I'm generally the last go give DD medicine if I can help it. The pink eye medicine was about all she has had. So, if I'm giving instructions for it, it MUST be important.

BrokenHope

What an Amazing Thread.
One of the best I have read so far. Thank you to all you amazing ladys. Wise Woman Unite !!! AMEN!!!

Pooh

The bunnies are not a big deal in their own right, but it does speak of over-indulgence (GP's part..not you).  Sneaking a piece of candy to a child to me is normal as a GP (providing no allergies or harm done) but I still wouldn't give them an entire bag of chocolate and let them eat it all at once.  Can you say tummy ache?  Buying them a small toy at the store when keeping them, sure.  And when I had GD, I did still discipline her too.  I believe you can spoil without being materialistic.  And I think you can be lenient, but still discipline.  And I do think as a GP when are responsible for walking that line.  I wouldn't let a GC jump on a bed, because I didn't let mine and I wouldn't want the parents to have to deal with jumping on theirs. 

In your situation, I think you asking people not to let her play with their hair because that has turned into her pulling yours, is a reasonable request.   I think since you explained it, it should have made sense.  I wouldn't have a problem with the parents asking me to not do something that didn't work for them.  I think asking instead of demanding, being reasonable and explaining go a long way with most people.  I also think it is a DILs, DDs, DS or SILs compromise to ignore the little things that aren't really hurting anything to give the GPs a little fun.  And I think its the GPs compromise to adhere to the things that are important to the parents, even if you don't agree with them.

I have more of an issue with the attitude of "I'm the parent so it's my way or no way".  But I have that issue with people in general, without any titles..Lol.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

Yeah, the "its my way or no way" attitude doesn't seem to help in any situation in life. And, the delivery is key. A list of rules is probably not the best approach, but a discussion about it might get one further both in persuasion and scoring points.

The pulling hair probably never occurred to me until I was in pain! LOL.

Pooh

I remember asking my Mom one time to please stop letting the baby play with her sunglasses.  Mom wasn't thinking, and forgot that I wore regular glasses and he started thinking those were free game too.  She was like, "Uh oh" grinned and didn't let him do it again.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Hope

Quote from: Kennedy on April 20, 2011, 04:57:02 PM
Hope, Reading what you typed broke my heart!! I'm sorry for your hurt and saddness.
I've never understood how a Man or Woman can be so close to their family and not understand their partner feeling the same way?
I hope things will improve since speaking with your son. God Bless!!
Thanks, Kennedy.  It helps to have the support of all you wonderful ladies!
Hugs, Hope

Hope

Quote from: Barbie on April 20, 2011, 05:26:48 PM
Hope,

I can't offer any advice but I know exactly what you're going through. Our DS has distanced himself from us even more. He doesn't call me everyday like he used to but once a week. He's very unhappy, he knows his wife is manipulating him but says he can't live without her and GD, that they are his life so we just have to learn to live with it. DS never put up with anything like this from any of his girlfriends so this behavior is so new to us but he's in love...

It's been 2 months since we've seen them and quite frankly I don't know when we'll see them again as he doesn't feel right about coming without DIL and she refuses to have anything to do with us, he also said that right now it's not a good idea to visit them.

We always ended our phone conversations with "I love you" and he doesn't say that to me anymore, he hangs up the phone before I've had a chance to say it to him. It hurts, but we must be strong and try to go on with our lives. No one knows what the future holds, maybe someday our sons will get tired, ours was very close to us before he met DIL, I know her goal is to destroy us for obvious reasons and she may just get her wish. I pray a lot and even though I wish things were different, I'm moving on, I still have some sad days but not like I used to. I lost both my parents that were so very dear to me and I thought I couldn't go on without them and I have, at least we know they're alive and living the lives that they chose.
Thanks, Barbie.  I'm glad to know that you have managed to move on for the most part.  I have a feeling your son will get his fill and finally get help or leave the marriage.  You were really close - talking all the time on the phone.  I'm shocked that you haven't seen him for two months.  It sounds terrible - but at least he's still calling.  It's tough, but as you said, we have to be strong and try to go on with our lives.
Hugs, Hope

FAFE

Our gd has started reaching out for DH's glasses.  The other day he said he would get her a pair to play with - we both looked at each other and he said - oh, bad plan!  So there you go.  You have to say no sometimes! 

When my daugher was little I would always tell her that I would never ever do anything intentionally to hurt her.  The other day when she was here with gd I made some remark - kinda off the cuff - daughter says I know Mom, you would never intentionally hurt my baby!  So, she did remember one of her life's little lesson. 

Hope

Quote from: Holly on April 21, 2011, 03:12:55 PM
I know the bunnies aren't that big of a deal. I just get frustrated finding a spot for all of this stuff...and I do believe that if MIL were watching DD everyday, she'd be taken on shopping sprees and everything else. Plus, by her own admission, MIL is not a disciplinarian. She says that is not was GPs are for.

The medicine would be a big issue with me. I saw my SIL's mom giving my nieces pickle juice in lieu of their medicine. She was given instructions to give them the antibiotic. I just have no idea why anyone wouldn't follow a parents' instructions about medicine and supplements for their children. Especially with anitbiotics. I'm generally the last go give DD medicine if I can help it. The pink eye medicine was about all she has had. So, if I'm giving instructions for it, it MUST be important.
I think as a gp we would hopefully be responsible enough to expect respect from our gc and not teach them bad habits. I plan to follow our gc's parents rules to the best of my ability (but if the rules are unreasonable, I would have to question them).  I think it's great for gp's to be able to give their gc special treats - as long as they aren't promoting selfishness or tummy aches.  My mil was loved by all her 26 or so gc, and she always had popcicles, pudding, and such on hand.  She also had little favors for them and always remembered their birthdays, Easter, and Christmas with nice gifts.  My parents were more disciplinarians, but still cherished.  My dm was more likely to do fun activities with them, such as reading them stories, doing ceramics or playing games and working puzzles, whereas my mil mostly enjoyed giving them "food or things".  My dm would likely have homemade goodies - after the nutritional food was eaten.  Both sets of gp's were loved dearly and used common sense.  I have a pet peave about children bossing adults around - and it is a total turn off to me.  Don't think that's going to happen in my house.....that is, if I get to have gs in our home.  We have two married daughters who really want to have children, so we should eventually get the pleasure of being gp's.
Hugs, Hope

Sheen

Two thoughts come to mind after reading,  there is a difference between gp's and caretakers, Yes caretakers get paid lol.,
its my way or no way  to this statement I would have to say, don't let the door hit you in the hinny     :)  I agree that if mom's rules are related to medicines or statements that are totally understandable such as the glasses, jumping on bed, running in the road or anything else that will cause harm to child or mom, then those rules should be followed. If the rules are just a list of things that make no sense then it is best for mom to find a caretaker elsewhere.
I totally believe if gp is full time caretaker then mom's rule for time outs, naps etc should be followed as long as they are not over the top and we can all keep our sanity. ;D

holliberri

I imagine there are plenty of GPs that  get paid something for caretaking. I would not dream of leaving my mother or  MIL to change their lives to watch my kids daily without some sort of compensation, no matter how wonderful they may think their GKs are. Even then, should I allow the rules to be bent or completely ignored b/c I'm saving some money? I don't really think so.

I believe that for most reasonable people, the  rules are in place not so much for the GPs, but for the kids. That is why they should be followed; it's not some crazy attack to control GPs or due to insecurity. I believe if you think a rule is "silly" asking what it  means might go a long way. My MIL still thinks I'm an idiot for no walkers, but when all of Canada and some of the EU seems to agree with me, my pediatrician and daycare, at least she knows I didn't pull it from thin air to make her life miserable. The rule made some sort of sense. And, if you ask, the person might say "you know what? Forget about it."  ST's DIL has done that on disposable diapers and apparently even with having spectators in the delivery room. So, she must have some flexibility inside her...she can't completely be "my way or the highway."

I am also that spoiled rotten GK that when the parents said no, I knew the GPs would take care of it. The rule was "no TV in the bedroom." So, I asked G-ma, melted her heart and she came in with TWO TVs, one for me and one for DB. The examples are  endless. My parents were put in a very uncomfortable situation where they either appeared ungrateful and got no use out of an expensive gift, or they adjusted their rules. My GPs were wrong. Their spoiling undermined my parents' authority constantly.

I also believe it starts early. How is my DD ever supposed to appreciate stuffed animals as a nice thoughtful gift when before she comprehends what they are...she has 17 of them? I am just a little afraid of that "entitlement" monster that we all seem to speak of. Or is entitlement not really as big of an issue as we all thought it was?

stilltryen

Well, everyone, life turned out okay.  DIL is going to go back to what we originally agreed on, 2 days a week, at my house.  I have no problem with 98% of her rules, because they totally make sense.  However, the rule about absolutely no tv on in the house went out the window when DS found DIL with the tv on in the living room, and she was feeding baby in the nursery.  (OOOOpppppssss!!)  So hubby will be able to come home from work and watch tv for his usual hour, then it's off again.  I will be playing with my beautiful granddaughter at the time in another room.

For all her quirks, I firmly believe that DIL knows how we both feel about the baby and she knows we will give her the best care and love ever at our house.  She's certainly had no problem during the time she's been off work staying home with the baby calling us and having us run down and watch baby when she's had errands to run, or vice versa, dropping her off here so that we can watch her.  I've made it a point to thank her for allowing us the time to spend with gd.

Keeping my fingers crossed that all will go well.  Thank you all for your comments, I've enjoyed them all.  I've learned a lot too!

Pen

ST, I'm so glad for you and your family. I'm also glad that you hung in here even when the comments, some not so gentle, were flying. I think at times things got a little rough on you here, but you handled it all like a champ. Enjoy your GD! 
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

stilltryen

Quote from: Pen on April 22, 2011, 07:36:39 PM
ST, I'm so glad for you and your family. I'm also glad that you hung in here even when the comments, some not so gentle, were flying. I think at times things got a little rough on you here, but you handled it all like a champ. Enjoy your GD!

Thanks Pen!  I chalked those up as coming from inexperienced DILs.  The whole point of this place is to try and learn a different perspective, offer advice, give sympathy, send support, etc., but I don't think they were budging from the "MIL is the ogre" scenario.  Things are never black and white and there's always room for compromise, or at least there was in our situation. 

holliberri

ST,

I was one of the DILs talking to you. Pardon me if I feel that "inexperienced DILs" is a blanket statement and unwarranted at that. I worded all of my posts to you very carefully. If some people were curt with you it has nothing to do with their inexperience but rather their lack of tact.

I do not think my MIL is an ogre; I really can't even think of one that is. We try really hard not to make generalizations here. I believe you picked up on that someone was projecting their feelings about their MIL onto you today, and it wasn't very nice. The same goes for generalizations.

No one is 100% reasonable 100% of the time. I realize you were just venting today, and I tried to defend it, but it didn't appear to be very reasonable to me, particularly when your son was in the midst of working it out with his wife. You said that it was her way or the highway, and then went onto explain that EVERYONE breaks her silly rules. Clearly, your DS has a bit more say in that marriage and parentage than you thought. He went to bat for you today, I hope you recognize that. Not only that, but she compromised WITH him. That is huge, and most MILs here do not have that luxury.  It sounds like DIL is quite comfortable with his 50% of the parenting rights for HER child (which despite any argument to the contrary, your GD is still her child...none of us ever said it was ONLY her child).

I think perspective would help your situation.

You will be babysitting this child at least 2 x a week: at least 3 MILs I  know on here have never babysat at all; some have not even met their GKs. 
Your DIL thanked you for babysitting: it's not too often I read on here that DILs are thanking people.
Your DIL felt one way about something (diapers) and then changed her mind. That speaks of flexibility, although she may not verbalize it.
Your DIL (whether gracefully or indignantly) reached a compromise with your DS about rules that needed some tweaking. She sounds like a pretty mature adult to me, even though 2% of her rules were ridiculous for about 15 minutes.
Your DIL did invite you over for dinner, despite it being subpar and in a messy house. I can think of another 3 women on here that have never been invited over to their DS's house. I can also think of one that has been invited, but guess what? When she was, she had to do the cooking!

Seriously, while some DILs on here might believe that MILs are ogres, you're initial description of your DIL was about equal to ogre (narcisstic), when it turns out that not only were her TWO rules over the top, but your venting was too. Your DS seems quite capable of talking reason into his wife. While that says a lot about him, it says a lot about her too. Not everyone on here is that lucky, despite the fact that their sons are every bit as wonderful as yours is.

But, that's just my inexperience talking. Sorry.