I don't understand my adult children

[Hope]

In the book a DIL on this site recommended as a good read, Toxic In Laws, by Susan Forward, it states that it is everyone's basic right to be respected.  No matter if we do have the upperhand b/c we can cut off mil/fil from their ds/gc with some persuasion, we should always remember that respect comes first.  Everyone's basic right is to be respected.  It's no less wrong than a boss who has power over their subordinates to threaten them with their job if they don't do unreasonable things, such as in the movie, "The Devil Wears Parada", where the assistant is doing the boss's kids' science fair projects and such.  There is no law stating that a wife's family is more important than a husband's.  And a grandparent is an equal grandparent, be it maternal or paternal (even if they aren't treated as such).  And a child's parents are equally the child's parent - mother and father.  I'm not asking that we use a measuring stick on everything, but it would be respectful to honor each family's traditions equally and give both families our valuable time.  Just something to think about......
Hugs, hope

[pam1]

ST, I'm so glad for you and your family. I'm also glad that you hung in here even when the comments, some not so gentle, were flying. I think at times things got a little rough on you here, but you handled it all like a champ. Enjoy your GD!

Thanks Pen!  I chalked those up as coming from inexperienced DILs.  The whole point of this place is to try and learn a different perspective, offer advice, give sympathy, send support, etc., but I don't think they were budging from the "MIL is the ogre" scenario.  Things are never black and white and there's always room for compromise, or at least there was in our situation.

Hey ST, it took me a minute to realize you just wanted to vent -- which is ok.  It might help us all if we communicate that up front in our posts, I've had to tell other posters that I'm not up for nit-picking at this time lol, worked for me.  It's hard to read other people online so maybe we all can just let the others know we want to get a vent off of our chest.

[LaurieS]

Thanks Pen!  I chalked those up as coming from inexperienced DILs.  The whole point of this place is to try and learn a different perspective, offer advice, give sympathy, send support, etc., but I don't think they were budging from the "MIL is the ogre" scenario.  Things are never black and white and there's always room for compromise, or at least there was in our situation.

I am a mil who is very disappointed to see such a blanketed statement towards members on this forum.. To call out the DIL's and label them as "inexperience" was not necessary or productive. 

Good for you ST, you got everything worked out for the time being.  Keep in mind that many of these women have taken a part of their day to understand and try to help you with a situation, just to be told in the end that you really never valued their input from the start.  Worse then that, some heard that you do not value them as forum members either as they are only "inexperienced DIL's" ..  This dismissal of what I feel are valued opinions possibly drives home how you view your own dil.

Every member here has the option to vent when she feels the need.. but once you've done so on this board your vent is now open for discussion. That is how these forums work... it might be more productive if you want to vent without input that you keep it private and personal between yourself and MS Word.

[1Glitterati]

Thanks Pen!  I chalked those up as coming from inexperienced DILs.  The whole point of this place is to try and learn a different perspective, offer advice, give sympathy, send support, etc., but I don't think they were budging from the "MIL is the ogre" scenario.  Things are never black and white and there's always room for compromise, or at least there was in our situation.

I am a mil who is very disappointed to see such a blanketed statement towards members on this forum.. To call out the DIL's and label them as "inexperience" was not necessary or productive. 

Good for you ST, you got everything worked out for the time being.  Keep in mind that many of these women have taken a part of their day to understand and try to help you with a situation, just to be told in the end that you really never valued their input from the start.  Worse then that, some heard that you do not value them as forum members either as they are only "inexperienced DIL's" ..  This dismissal of what I feel are valued opinions possibly drives home how you view your own dil.

Laurie....Ill be the person to step up and thank you for that part of the comment.  The comment made me cringe a little bit, too.  Perhaps I took it personal, but I don't think of myself as inexperienced.  I'm a woman in my 40's who has been with my husband for 23 years. 

[LaurieS]

Welcome Glitter... I think people seem to forget that those who choose to carry the dil title alone are often mature women who have worked hard on their educations, and jobs.  Some of these dil's have children.. multiples in some cases and understand fully what the possible reasoning is by any parent who is leaving their children in someones care.  We are here to interact and work on issues not dismiss half of our membership based on a title.

[luise.volta]

We gotta watch those generalizations! Yup, we do. Sending love...

[holliberri]

Laurie, much appreciated.

[Pen]

Some posts were a bit rough on ST, though. We all need to watch how we address each other.

ST's comment about "inexperienced DILs" made me cringe, just as the comment "Is he five?" and other sarcastic posts made me cringe. Come on, MILs & DILs, we can do better!

In a recent Ben Stiller movie ("Greenberg") the main female character says "Hurt people hurt people." How true. Many of us here are in pain, so perhaps we can be a bit more compassionate to one another.

[LaurieS]

My approach towards Sassydi was equal to my approach towards ST.   

Yes some of the postings were becoming harsh as ST had turned into yeah-but kind of gal.  I have heard this term.  Counselors use the term to describe people who every time you make a suggestion they keep saying   "yeah_but "  This seems to often become the method of communication here and ST has every right to approach it in this manner but it does tend to frustrate the general board as people can not always tell if she is not hearing, doesn't care, or can't comprehend.

I'm a big believer in compassion.. the case here, she was asking for compassion in an area that many felt she was wrong.. That's not compassion, the op was trying to shore up her own belief system and empower herself to carry on.  Maybe I'm the only one who saw it this way.. could be my bad .. but the total dismissal of all opinions of any dil I felt shored it up in my mind as to where ST was heading.. Once again as always.. this is solely IMO

[Pen]

I guess since I'm not a licensed counselor I don't feel qualified to judge another poster's motives. All I can offer is an ear, a shoulder and perhaps encouragement. If I don't feel like offering those things I don't reply. I'd rather not pass judgement on someone I don't know, even when I too get a feeling that she's spinning her wheels. It's possible to express non-judgemental support for a person without supporting their behavior and their resistance to progress, I believe. Letting them know they are heard and valued as a person may give them the motivation to do something positive to get out of their "yeah-but" rut. Some people respond better to kindness rather than the proverbial 2 X 4 upside the head. IMHO.

I tend to need the 2 X 4 on occasion, but it's only effective if it's from people who know me well and are coming from a place of love, but that's just me. We're all unique and what doesn't work for one might work for another.

[LaurieS]

Pen to me, no real issues came up until ST dismissed all DIL's .... None of us are licensed and I did not mean to imply that.. yeah but is probably not a clinical term to begin with, just an observation of someones approach. 

I'm really happy that things have worked out for ST... I hope that she can accept the views from the other side as well and prevent future damaging conflicts that she may encounter with her own dil/ds/gc for her own happiness and wellbeing.  My qualm was I don't know if ST ever wanted any input that could conflict with her own reasoning... as she stated in the later posting, she really didn't.  I think some negative vibes could have been avoided from the beginning

[holliberri]

Plenty of the posters that offered non-judgemental support were DILs; several were 100% supportive (even of behavior) until more facts kept coming out, I believe myself included. Those of us that did offer that kind of support were, for the most part, ignored. There are 9 pages of responses to that post, and only 2 are out of line. The rest of the posters don't need a bad wrap for being judgemental when they really weren't.

I, a DIL, even asked one poster what she meant by her response, albeit poorly, and I certainly would have asked the second about hers had I caught it (I did not even see it until you pointed it out AND I see that it's actually been addressed by a moderator). 'm not sure that my posts were so much judgemental as much as they were just the point of view of a DIL, and thus to be disregarded as nonsense.

Most of us tried really hard to nicely appeal to ST's interests; we didn't consider her position as a MIL as being particularly relevant when we wholeheartedly agreed that DIL was asking too much. We took the titles out of it and looked at the issue fairly and gave her many, many options she could use, that guess what? Would normally work from the standpoint of  a DIL.

It would have been nice to have received the same treatment back. Instead, we wound up having to defend a stupid silly title that (I'm not sure about the rest of the DILs) I don't put on my resume and don't use to introduce myself.  Personally, I regard the advice I get on here from MILs as an asset I can put in my arsenal; not something that is basically trash b/c well "she's a MIL...(insert whatever annoying stereotype here)." It would be nice to be regarded with the same feelings, despite what any real life DIL might be doing to make life miserable. I know that is tough to do, but it's a challenge I've found pretty darn invigorating to try to attain. 

[Rose799]

I feel that regardless of whether the titles of dil/mil are left out of the equation or not, most of us arrived at WWU due to extremes in our own circumstances.  That's why it's all the more important to take an understanding approach.  The majority do.  I'd just like to say it's greatly appreciated.

[holliberri]

Absolutely, Rose.

[lancaster lady]

Even without the titles , it takes time for two people to get to know each other , and just because they are going to be family
doesn't mean they are going to get along .
Maybe we should ignore the titles .There is so much expectation from both sides , that one or both can be disappointed .
I wonder if two ladies just meeting would expect the same outcome of their friendship , I doubt it .
For instance my two boys were born 2 years apart , in the earlier years they were great buddies .
As the years went on , they found they have nothing in common but the fact that they are brothers . Granted they
live miles apart , and when we all meet we are a family . When asked to be best man at his younger brothers wedding he replied
''but I don't know him '' ! So being related doesn't necessarily mean  bosom buddies .
also I hate that ''in law '' title , kinda gets the hackles up before you start any kind of anything !
Haven't really got a solution to an alternative name .
Respect for each other's position in the family is important I think .
Talking about GP's treats for the GK's in another thread .I never offer any kind of food without mom's permission .
That's why we now get along , I always refer to the Mom  about anything that involves my GD. I respect that
my F/DIL is number one , quite rightly so .
In turn I am shown respect as a GM ....took a while to get to this point , but I'm so glad we made it .

does this relate to this thread ??  think I'm losing it again ....lol