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I don't understand my adult children

Started by pcbd1234, January 22, 2011, 01:21:06 PM

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pcbd1234

Hello I am new to this site.. but I really need some advice here from any one who is having issues with there adult children like me.. To get right at the point.. I have a son 28. he want talk to me .. when i call he is busy.. in the past he blame me for leaving his dad and said he was left taking care of him.. I ask him to come lived with me but he said his dad was not strong enough not like me.. several times he would say I am not suppose to take care of dad .. he is suppose to take care of us.. Guess you know why I left him??.. my son just finish his 5th tour in afganistan. and well he has alot of issues now from the war.. But he want talk yo me.. breaks my heart for a son or daughter to go thru things and as a mom can not be there.. Now I have a daughter who is cold hearted as they come.. her daddy spoiled her rotten.. I love her with all my heart she is my angell. Buet she is living with a man who she is supporting.. I have to respect she is adult..but every time we have a conersation she insults me.. hurts so bad.. now she want talk to me.. i try to be a good mom.. listen to them .. try not to judge them.. and just be there when i am needed. No thank God there are no grandkids.. I would never see them or be a part of there lives.. I was a good mom.. did every thing for them..  now i am nothing... i try and try to talk to them but i am being ignored..  It hurts so bad.. I cry all the time and pray for them every day... I thought about just leaving them alone.. But then they would think i gave up on them.. No matter what i do is wrong... what should I do>>>

luise.volta

Hi and Welcome - The first thing we try to do and it is very hard...is to step back and rest for a bit. Then we try to find out what is left of us and build from there. Your adult-kids know you care about them. Now it is time to care for yourself. Be kind to your self...love yourself...remember who and what you were before parenting and start healing that person. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Pcbd1234, welcome to the site. Luise pretty much summed it up, but I'll add my 2 cents:

We did the best we could raising our children; now that they are grown they are making their own choices. It's very unfair that we should be ignored by the kids we love so deeply, but unfortunately none of us can control how our adult children act. I know it hurts like a kick in the gut right now & if you're like me you think you'll never heal. None of us here were prepared for having our children turn away from us, so we understand what you're going through.

All we can do is take good care of ourselves and step back from the situation, as Luise said. We can let them know we love them and will always be there for them, but that we need to be treated with love and appreciation, so for now we're taking a break. Sometimes, given space and time, our children decide to give a relationship with us another go. At the very least we find peace & healing by taking the focus off of them and back onto ourselves, our mates, our hobbies, & our lives.

Start with little steps...what can you do right now to pamper yourself? What will you do this evening? How about tomorrow - can you meet a friend for brunch or a walk in a garden? Write down your ideas, and make sure you set something firmly on your calendar. It may be that you need to discuss this with a trusted professional; if so, make that call first thing on Monday.

Please keep posting. We're here for you and supportive of your efforts towards peace and progress!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Tara

Welcome pcbd,

You will find alot of support and new ways of looking at things here as well as many wonderful women.

I agree with the advice of Luise and Pen. 

Stepping back and letting my son be the one to make contact has helped my relationship with him.  I'm relatively new here
and  taking these small steps and having the support of the women here has helped me keep up my
inner strength and not start ruminating about my DIL and DS.  Also, DS has initiated contact with me more since
I stepped back.  Things are not where I'd like them to be, but I have a focus and an approach and that helps alot.  you will too if you stick around.  There is so much wisdom here.   8)

pcbd1234

Thank you so much for your advice.. I will try that.. Whew it is so hard .. I am always thinking if I don't call they will think I do not care.. If I do call I am bugging them.. I was told once by a pastor of ours never give on on your children .. even if they give up on you.. I kep that pounded in my head.. But stepping back sounds good.. Thanks again ..

Tara

Yes, I can relate to what you are saying.  I have felt that -- that I have to  reach out and show I care even when I'm getting
treated poorly.  Now I have a different view. 

L

I know how you feel.  My daughter is shutting me out.  Sadly, I feel the same way you do about grandkids ...I would love to be a grandma one day, but not if this is the way the daughter will treat me, I may never have a decent relationship with the grandkid!  My daughter is 30.  She and I got in fight before Christmas and haven't spoken or emailed since about a week after Christmas.  We haven't seen each other for little over a year.  We emailed about a week after Christmas and I tried to set boundaries with her and stand up for myself so she got mad.  I had decided to not contact her since that and wait for her to make a move.  But, today I got so sad about it as I love her she is my only daughter...so I did email short email to her only saying hello and that I hope she is o.k.   I may get a mean response back from her, or no response at all...I really don't know.  I don't regret emailing her no matter what she does.  I think as far as that goes that is a personal decision as to whether you contact your children or not.  It may be good to take a breather for sure if things have gotten completely volatile with you and your kids.  My dad just died a couple of months ago, so I am grieving which hurts all the worse when you are not getting along with your adult children when you need them the most.  I guess that's a big reason I emailed her today too.  Life is short and we never know what can happen tomorow you know.  I do totally agree with the other ladies about leading your own life more and I think it's crucial to get on with your life in doing things for yourself to feel better and have more of a life not completely centered around your children.  I struggle with that a lot.  I want to work on that.  I hope you can too.  I would say follow your heart.  Now, if they continually put you down, scream and verbally abuse you every time you try to reach out...yes, it may be a good time to step back and let them make the first move.  Hugs and prayers and I hope it gets better for you and yours.  :)   

Pooh

Welcome pcbd.  I echo what the others say.

I too used to think I had to remain in contact or they would think I didn't love them or care.  Since then I have realized that "give up" is not the same as "give out".
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

The most painful thing for me with my eldest son is that when I gave up...he didn't care.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Rose799

Quote from: luise.volta on January 24, 2011, 09:01:30 AM
The most painful thing for me with my eldest son is that when I gave up...he didn't care.

How long did it take you to reach the point of giving up, Luise?  And how did you process the fact that your son didn't care?  Were you prepared for his response? 

Please share with us about your dp's, siblings; & how you grew up.  Were you a natural-born survivor, as you appear here?  Or did you "evolve" as so many of us are trying to learn to do?

How are Val & me, too?  I hope they're fairing well...

Thanks,
Rose





luise.volta

I will respond to that as soon as I get back. I'm going to be out much of the day and didn't want you to think I was ignoring your post. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

To Laurie:  ;D ;D ;D He lives in Michigan and I live in Washington, remember? And "hot" doesn't seem realistic at 83 and 85! Beside that, he has had open heart surgery and has a pacemaker...so we also don't use the phrase..."Be still my heart!"  (But we do joke about it!  :) )
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

Rose - I think giving up is an ongoing process that has to be reaffirmed often...and redefined and updated occasionally. One aspect of us gives up but we are many-faceted and there are other parts that have other agendas. (Like the "be right" and/or "poor me" parts that often take over.) I create a gratitude list every morning and evening to try to balance it out as much as possible.

I, like the rest of you, have found my peace and wisdom in the school of hard knocks. I am a survivor, obviously, but I was a very sensitive little girl who was diminished at home. My mother was a teacher before she married but had a heart condition that limited her all of her life and finally took her at 63. My dad was a CPA and a violinist. We were upper middle class when the depression hit. They just didn't have the energy to give me what I needed and so I floundered and fell and fought and lost and settled on being an underachiever. I was often angry on the surface but within, I had no self-definition or direction. Lots of deep sadness. Beyond that what sustained me, and still does, was/is my inner joyfulness and sense of whimsy and silliness. I have a happy Soul.

I have had a lot of help along the way; support groups, seminars, private counseling and wise and wonderful friends. My Spiritual Path has been and always will be a life-long project of inner emancipation. I have been married five times, lived in five states and been a successful entrepreneur five times. (Lots of fives.) Not necessarily in neat and tidy segments. For instance two marriages were 18 years and this one is at 21, so I don't give up easily. I had four sons...one died shortly after birth, one died shortly before birth and one, my eldest, died at 52. He's the one I had such difficulty with. Kirk, our Webmaster, is my surviving son. I have gleaned along the way two more sort of sons and five sort of daughters. So, up to eight "kids" gather around me on special occasions and they would all be here in a New York second if I needed them.   

I'm a registered nurse and managed the medical, disability claims department at Aetna for 13 years. I have been a nursery school teacher/owner, independent interior decorator, real estate private contractor, independent dairy herd tester and blog owner (with income from Google AdSense.) I think retirement is overrated and should be called re-direction. After living in a retirement community for the last 10 years, it's my take that being useful is the most important thing for most of us...not being entertained. I live where we put in over 39,000 hours a year volunteering on campus and replace 18 full-time employees.

If you want more, just ask.   :) Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell