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What Have I Done To Cause Such Pain?

Started by Angie, January 21, 2011, 11:30:08 am

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cremebrulee

Angie, come back and share with us always, and read some of the other posts, it's really a God sent, when your reading someone else's problem and you realize, your not alone, and sometimes, someone says something that really sparks alight in your soul....so, stay here with us...and come in when you feel the need to talk....

hugs and love
Creme

Angie

I  didn't know you were posting at the same time I was, cremebrulee.  I will be reading your last post over and over again and trying to implement your ideas into everyday life.  At this point, it's really hard for me to imagine that I can turn off the pain I feel; but I realize it's necessary that I try even harder.  You're a doll.  Thank you for your insight.  I hope I don't disappoint you or myself.
Love, Angie

Angie

I will be checking back, cremebrulee.  If anything new happens, I'll  probably need advice on how to handle it.  Meanwhile I'll read what others are going through, although it  makes  my heart ache even more for each and every one. 

luise.volta

He's grown. You did your job. He gets to choose what he wants to do with his life and the choice he's made is hard to take. He has that right. You can't change him and wishing he was different is making you ill and ruining your life. Let go. He has.  Get that you were a whole person before you became a parent and you can be again. Move through the acute disappointment and self-pity (I have been there) as soon as you can and let the healing begin. Were here for you. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

Quote from: Angie on January 21, 2011, 03:14:49 pm
I  didn't know you were posting at the same time I was, cremebrulee.  I will be reading your last post over and over again and trying to implement your ideas into everyday life.  At this point, it's really hard for me to imagine that I can turn off the pain I feel; but I realize it's necessary that I try even harder.  You're a doll.  Thank you for your insight.  I hope I don't disappoint you or myself.
Love, Angie


Angie, it's a long road of do diligence...a constant work in progress, a reprograming of the mind and heart....as Luise said...
your jobs done, you must realize that...and yes indeed, we've all been there, but it does get better, but takes a long time of hard work on changing your attitude...

Love and hugs

Pen

Angie, welcome. It looks as if you've got a lot to think about.

A wise friend once told me, regarding parents of disabled children, that they mourn the "death of the perfect child." As the mom of a disabled child I can verify that - all the stages of grief were there until I finally accepted my daughter and all her limitations as well as her wonderful qualities. I suspect you've got some mourning to do. Your life will not be the same as it was when your DS was younger, and you may never have the "perfect child" all parents yearn for. But your life can still be very wonderful! And it sounds as if you've got quite a prince in that DH of yours. I agree that you might want to put your energy and love into your husband, as well as into taking special care of yourself. You guys deserve it!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Angie

Good evening, ladies; and thank you.  I want to reach the "I'm better now" point.  I thought maybe it would be easier by now.  To me, nine months is a very long time.  Thus far, it has not gotten easier.  I guess, because I never found giving and showing love to be difficult to do, I just assumed that feeling would be passed on to my ds.  I've discovered I have a lot to learn.  Maybe my story is seen as self pity, but I can't honestly say I see it that way.  To me, it's more like an unexpected war that shocked me; and I'm now in post traumatic stress mode.  I will always love him, although I can't say I "like" him at this point.  It's amazing and heartbreaking to learn how many of you have experienced this same thing.  DH and I are now in our twilight years.  It would have been nice to have the last stretch of our journey be peaceful and loving, not just between my dh and me, but with ds and dil also.  Please don't think for a moment that I don't realize what a gem my dh is.  I had a first marriage to compare it to; and, as tough as that row was to hoe, it is a good reminder of how lucky I am to have met my dh.  I'll keep all of you in my prayers, too.  I hope they're answered.

Angie

Courtney, you bring up a point I've thought about. When he graduated from college and got his own apt., my dh thought for sure I'd be over there cleaning for ds, as well as doing his washing, ironing and cooking.  My dh was basing his opinion on what he watched me do all the years ds lived at home.  However, I told dh that I didn't intend to do any of those things because I didn't want ds to look on me as an interruption to his independence.  Even dh was amazed that I kept my word.  If your point is on the money, then my ds's contempt for me started many years ago when he learned I wouldn't take care of him once he was on his own.  I certainly would always be here for him, but not for those things I did for him while he lived at home, unless, of course, he got sick or something.  DS has become so complex to me that I no longer feel I know him.

luise.volta

That actually makes a lot of sense to me. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

In the beginning I sat and thought about the "Whys" so much.  I would sit and go, "You know, I almost wished I had beat him or something.  At least then I would understand this and be able to have a "reason" for this."  That sounds awful now, and I would never had beat him, but it sounded good at the time.  It wasn't until I accepted that I had not done anything major to cause it, that it became easier to deal with.  We all make mistakes as parents.  A quiet, sensitive child we tend to overprotect.  So they get to grow up and say they were "smothered".  And independent, strong-willed child, we let have more freedom, so they grow up to say "we didn't love them enough".  I think when I became a parent, I said, "I will do this and this, and that and that, because my parents didn't".  Funny now, because I had a great childhood and excellent parents, but yet I can still tell you what I was lacking.  So if that stands to reason, then it would make sense that our children think we were lacking at something.  I think the difference is personal responsibility.  When bad things happened to me as a young adult, I didn't think it was my parents fault.  I either did something to cause it or it was just how life was.  If things were not going how I planned, I had to change my plan.  I have a DS and a stepdaughter that both make excuses for everything in their life.  There is always someone or something to blame.  The YS that I have a great relationship with, takes responsibility for his life.

How do you have a good relationship with kids like that?  You don't.  You have to wait for them to grow up hopefully or you realize that nothing you ever do is going to change them.  You let them know you love them, and that the communication door is always open but that you will not take responsibility for their lives any longer.  I gave them a life for the first 20 years, the next 80 are theirs to figure out. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

You are so right. When people are into blaming...there is always someone handy to lay it on.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

And it kind of makes it understandable which parent they align with.  My Ex had an excuse for everything and told lies.  My OS is the same, and sees him all the time.  My SD is the same and my DH's Ex is the same, and that's who she stays with.

Not blaming everything on them, but both DH and I take responsibility for our lives and our mistakes.  And we would be the ones to tell them the truth about a situation.  The Ex's would agree with their excuses because that is how they live their lives.  And there is another "AHA" moment for me!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Sheen

hi
I have read thru this thread and agree with all the advice given to Angie. But I have somewhat of a question I guess about the extent that we pull back and concentrate on our own lives.  She has been going thru this for nine months, I have been going thru it for six years and quite honestly I have little hope that my son and I will ever reconcile at this time.  My question is if that contact is never made, what are we suppose to do. For the last six years I have allowed him the space he wanted, I have however sent Christmas, Birthday cards just to make sure he knew that although we haven't spoken, not a day goes by that I don't think of him.This year when I sent his card out, I received it back with a stamp that said forwarding time had expired.  After doing a bit of research thru public records, I found out that he had actually sold his home a year ago and I have no idea where he currently lives at this time.  My address and phone number have not changed so I am assuming if he wanted to reach me there was a way.   Although I think cooling off periods and acknowledging that they are adults and therefore able to live their own lives etc, I was just wondering if you all feel that we should just acknowledge that our adult children are in no way a part of our lives and sadly accept it.   I would be interested in hearing your views.

L

Hope you are feeling better Angie.  Was just reading the post and cremebrulee's post to you were so good and dead-on.  They really helped me also.  I am suffering much like you and feel a lot in common with you as your son sounds like a male version of my daughter.   I emailed my daughter yesterday and didn't hear back.  No suprise!  The pain of loss is so deep, mine made worse by my dad passing away this November and my mom 2 years ago.  Angie, I was like you...I loved my parents and was a good daughter who was close to my parents and visited them.  My DH and I took them on vacations with us to Florida and were very good to them.  My daughter only thinks of herself and is totally self centered and cruel to me like your son.  She and I live in different states but she won't even come visit.   And of course they need to lead their own lives but they should respect and love their parents and visit occasionally at least.  At least email and call once in a while and be nice.  It's inexcusable.  I know the pain is overwhelming for you, but really we can't control our sons/daughters behavior so all we can do is be good people ourselves.  I think reaching out to others to help them is probably a good idea to get our minds off our own pain and heartache.  Find people who will appreciate you.  At your son's age I don't think you can expect he will change and I know that hurts.  I think they are so used to abusing us that they get some sick pleasure from it.   It is just not normal for them to not have any empathy for their own parents.  I am trying to realize something is truly wrong with my daughter, I think she has a character defect like her biological father.   He had wonderful parents but was a drug addict and total mess.  My daughter is smart and always did well in school though and was never on drugs but she likes the alcohol.  Does your son drink?  I think that can cause problems too.   My husband ( I re-married when she was 12) has been a great step-dad to her but she doesn't appreciate it one bit.   And yes, genes can definitely play a part because my daughter is spitting image of my brother even though they have not been around each other much through her life.  He is very snobby, inmature, sarcastic, self-centered, self-righteous and likes to drink alcohol to much and party just like my daughter.  I also was reading a post here another thread about how alcohol can affect one's brain and cause them to not mature mentally.   I wish you peace and hope you feel better soon.  Take care.             

Pen

These stories are all so heartbreaking. Sheen, I don't know what else you can do but accept that your DS is out of your life for now, since he didn't give you any contact information. It is so painful, I know. I hope he changes his attitude, but in the meantime live for yourself. You deserve to be around those who appreciate the love you have to give. You're not alone, we're here for you.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb