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What Have I Done To Cause Such Pain?

Started by Angie, January 21, 2011, 11:30:08 AM

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holliberri

Angie,

I don't think you'll ever stop loving or missing your son, but on the same token, you clearly aren't getting something from him that it sounds like you need. I think you need to find a way somehow, whether it is through therapy, gardening, quilting, exercise, having friends over, to find happiness for yourself again. You can't depend on your son for that. You need to do it by yourself, for yourself, for no other reason than everyone deserves to be happy.

In my mind, when I feel wronged by others, I know they are going to be happy regardless of what they've done to me...that means I need to make for certain that I'm happy too.  It's the figuring out how to get there that's the hard part.

Angie

Reading the replies from all of you has made me realize something important.  I've LET him manipulate me out of fear that there will be  no relationship if I don't.  However, it was wrong for me to allow the manipulation.  Example:

It's Christmas Eve and dh and I are visiting friends.  Son calls and tells me to go home because he wants to drop by and wants me there.  Instead of telling him I had my own plans, I went home..........just as he told me to.

Son stops by to visit.  "Don't you think it's about time you sell this house instead of spending so much time gardening and keeping up with things inside?"  We respond "Well, we're still able to do it, and we haven't asked anything of you; so why do you think we should sell?"  Son says, "I think it's ridiculous to invest so much time and effort in a house and property." 

We adopt a couple of dogs.  Son's response is "Oh great.  Two more to run your life."  (Yes, we love our pets.  Is that somehow his businiess or something that affects HIS life?)

--------------

I've been abiding by what he wants of me all of his life.  I should have stopped letting him tell me how to live my life a long time ago.  Question.......why doesn't he recognize that he's been doing to me all along the very thing he doesn't want me to do to him?????? 

Angie

holliberri, the things you mention are good advice, and some of them are things I already do; but they don't take the place of a child that became your heart the day you gave birth to him.  No matter how busy I try to keep myself, at the end of the day, I still realize I have no relationship with the person I call son.  I  don't expect him to visit every day.  Maybe the only reason I even bothered to ask for more visits is because, during the vists he did make, he didn't even try to act a little bit interested in my dh and me.  What's a visit to your parents' home when you spend the whole time you're there talking to your friends on your cell phone?  Had he put more "involvement" in the infrequent visits, those visits may have felt so satisfying that I wouldn't yearn for more visits from him. 

Pooh

Angie, I was exactly like you and your neighbors kids.  I worked full time, volunteered, raised kids, sports, the whole shebang but still managed to get to my parent's and in-laws a couple of times a month.  I love my Mother dearly, but I can honestly admit I went because I wanted to.  But if she had said to me, "Hey, do you think you can come more or every week?" I probably would have resented it.  Because in my head, with everything I had to do, going twice a month was a struggle and even though she may not have meant it that way, I might have heard "I don't think you're doing your part by only coming twice a month".  I went because I wanted to and it was important to not only me, but to make sure she knew I liked visiting.  If at any time I felt like I had to, or that she was guilting me into it, I probably would not have wanted to go as much. 

I do believe as many of these ladie's say all the time, sometimes it's not what we say, but how it's heard.  That's not fair, but so true.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

January 21, 2011, 02:02:51 PM #19 Last Edit: January 21, 2011, 02:08:21 PM by cremebrulee
Angie,
I am so sorry to hear your going thru this, however, from reading all your posts, I apologize for saying this, but it sounds to me, like you created a monster....when your visiting someone and your son has the odasity to phone you and say "you need to come home b/c I'm coming over"...Shhheeesh....and why in the world didn't you tell him, "now is not a good time?" 

Angie, I mean this with a due respect, but you've got to either find a counselor who is going to help you change your way of thinking, or do it by reading up on bullies and spoiled children.

you've made your son your only purpose in life, and he knows it and is way off base in the way he is treating you, and if you continue to cater to his every whim, your unfortunately going to be on the reciving end of his disresect.  I don't know if you've ever heard of this, but do you know, you can love a child to much?  Tough love is what your going to have to learn, otherwise, this will never change. 

I know you love your son, we all do, however, you don't need to be a victim and that is what your making yourself and your son knows it, this is actually abuse and you are enabling him to do so....it's like a spouse who is allowing her husband to beat her up....and the mental result of this abuse can be more devestating and harmful then if he hit her. 

You suggested that your DIL never says anything to him when he treats you so awrful...and I agree, with the other poster who said, it is not in her place, but I'm also thinking as I was reading that, "she is probably afraid to say anything to h im"  because Angie, your only seeing part of how he is....she is living with him and I cannot imagine how he must treat her...this is not love...and you have some very serious decissions to make....but it can't keep going on like this, b/c if you allow it to, your life will be painful and sad....

You can't change him, and yes, as another poster said, he is an adult, but you can put your foot down and tell him no more.....you will not be treated like this and then let him go...your not cutting him out of your life, you are telling him that to treat another human being like this is so wrong....

You cannot depend on him to make you happy, only you can do that, and your allowing  him to effect your whole being...don't...for your husbands sake and for yours, you need to learn how to do tough love...and respect yourselves..no one, but no one deserves to be treated like you are allowing him to treat you just so he thows you crumbs whenever he feels like it and please stop giving them everything...even if the relationship improves, let them make it on they're own....

Angie, come in here and post whenever you need to, there are so many wise ladies in here who are able to guide you and if someone suggests books to read, please do read them...you desprately need to work on your own attitude and change the course of this, b/c the more you grobble, the more he knows it and the more he will treat you so dispicably...remember, your enabling him...

Angie, you have a husband, start focusing on him, and change your way of thinking, and please stop depending on son's love for your happiness...it's almost like he's the parent and you are the child....it's time to put your husband first and start making plans of your own, life is to short to focus on the negative, and your son is not capable of treating you with respect right nowand you or your husband do not deserve this, you deserve much better....so, know that your in my prayers...in hopes that you will be strong and find your way back to your husband, and don't allow your son to treat you like this....he is holding over your head estrangement if you don't cater to his every whim and he gives nothing in return...so don't enable him any more....love him from afar, and start to learn how to change your life around, without him in it...he's married now, let him go his way, but don't allow him to treat you any less then you deserve, and stand tough and strong...

all my love
Creme

Angie

Let's say that's the case, Pooh.  What do I do now and how do I do it without coming across as, once again, giving in to ds's orders?
Do I email him?  If so, what do I say in the email?  I don't have any idea how to approach this without feeling like I may be getting back a relationship with my son, but I'll be letting him know he's still in charge.  What are the proper words to use?  I guess I'm not a "wise woman." :(

cremebrulee

January 21, 2011, 02:11:15 PM #21 Last Edit: January 21, 2011, 02:16:22 PM by cremebrulee
Angie, your a wise woman, and a very caring person, you just have to decide what is good for you, not your son, but for you, and then stick to it...for now, if it were me, I'd back off and start consentrating on me...don't email him...let him alone for a while and start learning how to enjoy life without him....

Personally, I think your son doesn't like who he is at all, and from the comments you said he made to you...throughout your posts, it sounds like to me, like he is extremely angry and has a lot of pent up inhabitions...his comments are very cruel and uncaring...and the reason he doesn't realize it, is because he's done this all his life...and he thinks it's ok to be like this?




Angie

Thank you, cremebrulee.  Although your post made me cry, I think you hit on what's happening better than anyone.  I see it as a form of abuse also.  We never ask anything of our ds.  The visiting thing seems to be the worst thing to ds that we could have done to him.  All I can say to that is, "Isn't he fortunate."  Everyone who knows us has said they think the way he treats us is horrible.  We were always the kind of parents who wanted to make wonderful memories for ds.  When vacation time came, we'd ask where HE'D like to go......and that's where we'd go.  We kept thinking, if all he has are memories of pleasing, loving parents, how can the relationship  ever go wrong.  It wasn't an ordeal for dh and me, because we're natured to be caring and giving.  But you're right.  We created a monster.  So, if I realize all this, why does it hurt so much not to have him in my life? 

cremebrulee

Because you love him, and loved him maybe to much, so much so, that you allowed him to have his way all the time, so he doesn't know how to not have his way...he thinks the whole world revolves around him, and he thinks this is the way to be...he learned to be like this by always getting what he wanted...again Angie, you were loving parents, and you did a wonderful job, unfortunately he doesn't know any better, and I'm afraid, just by the way you said he gave you that terrible grin of his and acknowledged that he knew he was hurting you, well, that is unacceptable, and if anyone should have gotten up and walked out, it should have been you...and not looked back...
I would have...


Try and calm down, and take it one day at a time...and as I said before, work on you...and learning how to be stronger...learning to consentrate on your life with hubby.

What do you and he do together?  Lets talk about that?  Can you and he plan a weekend getaway, where you can just think about each other...consentrate on smiling and enjoying each others company?  You really do need to find happiness in other areas and stop allowing son to define who you are
Does that make any sense?

L

Your son sounds a lot like my daughter.  I think my daughter may have narcissistic personality disorder.  I know it rips your heart out how he is acting.  I too did everything for my daughter...loved her, encouraged her, gave her everything material I could, never spanked her or anything ever.  I haven't seen my daughter in over a year but yet she will travel all over the place.  It hurts badly.  Maybe we spoiled them too much!  Still, there is no excuse for their behavior.  I do believe in what goes around comes around so I think he will regret his actions.  I know you are especially hurting because he is your only child.  I know it's hard but maybe the only thing we can do is just take a step back and be the better person by still sending them birthday gifts or a card at least, and same with Christmas and just pray that they will come around.   Sending hugs your way. :)

jill

Hi Angie,
Such great words of advice from all these ladies.  I know how you feel not knowing if you can have a relationshipwith your son.  It is the most difficult I am living with, I think of it every morning when I wake up, and pray about it every night before I go to sleep.   I have another daughter but we are not close, she calls me when she needs a babysitter.  I am beginning to realize that my daughters cannot give me the kind of relationship that I want, to have the closeness that we used to, or I thought we did.  My friends have normal relationships with children, sons and daughters, see them on a regular basis, call them to see how they are, but my children do not want to do that, and I cannot force them to, so I have to step back and try to do the best for myself.  I have been divorced many years, and they are my only family.
Angie, there are some good books available, that I would recommend you read, the first one is "When Parents Hurt" by Joshua Coleman, and I am currently reading "Healing from Family Rifts" by Mark Sichel.  You will feel enlightened by these books, and realize that in many cases, adult children think only of themselves, and not of the mothers who gave birth to them.  My prayers are with you.........Jill

cremebrulee

yes, Jill, it is like a dark cloud following you around everywhere you go, the pain is always there...however, I do know there is a way to learn how to manage that pain...and there is hope...
honestly...there is hope, we never stop loving our children, however, there comes a time in our lives, when we have to learn how to go on without them...even families that get along have to learn how to do this...if we're lucky they will keep us in they're lives...however, we will never know them the way we knew them when they were little, they've grown up now and have to leave the nest...

someone once said, "when your children leave the home, that is when your real problems start"  and it is true in a lot of cases, especially ours...however, we must learn how to manage and go on without them, they don't need us in the ways they did when we were small...I think, sometimes in our own way, some of us mothers became co-dependent on them for fulfillment...I don't know?  We are each different, however, I do know in my case, it was a huge adjustment when my son left home...awful....and some men, believe it or not, go thru this worse then some of us do....

Angie, Jill, we're in your corner and here to support you as best we know how, with love and through our own experiences...we don't claim to be right all the time....and we learn from each other...but I promise you both, there is light at the end of that tunnel....

Love to you both
Creme

Angie

It does make sense, cremebrulee; and, actually it's what dh and I do, when the weather allows.  We've been snowed and/or iced in for the better part of winter, which makes things difficult.  DH and I have a wonderful relationship.  To be honest, we don't even have to be going anywhere special or doing anything special.  We enjoy doing yard work together or re-decorating a room together or taking the dogs for a walk together.  It's all so good.  Still, there are reminders all around us that the ds we so love and cared about isn't anywhere to be found.  It hurts.......not just me, but both of us.  My ds's biological father was an emotional and physical abuser to me, which is why I took my son and got out.  However, he's not the one who raised my son.  Yes, he was granted visitation, but he didn't raise my son.  My dh raised my son with gentle, loving care and kindness.  So, why does my son seem to carry the cold, selfish traits of a biological father who didn't raise him?  Is all of it my own fault?  When people are kind and loving, I sit up and take notice and always respond in kind.  I don't take advantage of the love and kindness.  That's why it's so hard for me to get a grip on "you loved him too much." 

cremebrulee

January 21, 2011, 03:04:21 PM #28 Last Edit: January 21, 2011, 03:10:37 PM by cremebrulee
No Angie, it isn't your fault, you loved your son, and you did the best you knew how to do at the time...emotionally and otherwise...and I do believe, that certain genes are passed down to our children...and many things are hereditary...

and yes, there will always be reminders, but how bout we try something...when you start feelings sad, try and think of something marvelous, that made you happy, that doesn't include your son...like your wedding day, or something you did as a child, or a childhood friend, and then sit down and right a story about it...it's difficult at first, but if you put it into practice, each day, it lasts a little longer...do you have neighbors, could you maybe host a party?  Plan something different....

How bout any dreams you and your husband had before your son came along...yanno Angie, we tend to put our dreams aside for our kids...does your husband have any dreams something maybe he always wanted to do, but never did it...discuss this together, and accomplish something like that...do different things, vibrant things, and constantly fight the thoughts in your mind which make you sad...
it is a lot of hard work, but it does help and you will learn to change your thought pattern and your attitude...Angie, your son can't make you happy....only you can...try, will you?

And by the way, there were times when I loved my son to much, we all do, I think, we love our kids sometimes to hard...and sometimes without knowing it, we learn to depend on them for our happiness....when they leave home we are lost, b/c we made them our purpose...

would you also read those books that Jill suggested?  It will help retrain your thought pattern...I would also suggest books that teach you how to be happy...how to sing...how to laugh and remember yoru childhood again....your parents...and smile, lady smile...so your heart will shine....


Angie

Thank you.........all of you..........for the prayers, the hugs, the advice, the love.  Lord knows I can use them all.  And, Jill, thanks for the heads up on the books.  I'll be looking to purchase them soon.  For all of you........all of us.........whose children had the best that love can bring but threw it away like yesterday's garbage, I wish peace and love and happiness and sunshine and rainbows.  My wish is that what we hope and pray for becomes reality.  Love, Angie