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What Have I Done To Cause Such Pain?

Started by Angie, January 21, 2011, 11:30:08 AM

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Angie

I have one child......a son. He's now 42. I took him out of my first marriage.......an abusive marriage..... before he was even two years old because I could see how badly it was starting to affect him, even at his tender young age. When he was three, I married a man who had no children. We'll be married 40 years this year. My husband has always been a wonderful father and husband. We weren't fortunate enough to have children together, so we focused solely on my only son. He's always been adored, we've always fed his self esteem, always showed our pride in him.

We've never been wealthy, but we've always been comfortable financially. Because we didn't want to worry about son being in unreliable cars, we'd buy him new to fairly-new cars through high school and college. We paid the insurance on them. We also paid for his college education. I won't go into how he took advantage of us by taking my husband's brand new car without permission (when he was in high school) and smashed it up. We also won't go into how he then smashed up the beautiful car we gave to HIM to drive. Those were teen years, and we honestly were naive enough to think they'd pass and that one day he'd realize how loved and fortunate he was...........and there would be a happy ending with a great relationship between us and son.

He'd bad mouth us in a way I never would have dreamed of bad mouthing my parents, even though I had far less in life than my son was given. My husband and I have worked our own way through life..........no help from our parents. Still, we showed respect.

I was a stay-at-home mom, because my husband and I felt that was best for my son. I was always there for him, through whatever he experienced. My husband was always there for him, too. We tolerated many of my son's outbursts, always thinking it was a stage he'd just get through.

We continued to help him any way we could when he got married. They got TV's from us, NordicTrak equipment, we helped them move and make their lawn pretty when they bought a home. We threw an expensive event for them when they turned 40. No great fuss was made by either of them as all these events took place. In fact, they barely spent five minutes with us at the party we threw for them.

It seems their friends have the spotlight in my son's and dil's lives. They do not want children of their own, and I have to wonder if it's because my son is very selfish and doesn't want to share with a child of his own. When the two of them are not at work, they spend every minute with their friends. In the past, I've mentioned how much I'd love to see more of them, since they live only 15 minutes from us; but, each time I mention it, he's jumped all over me and then stops speaking to us.   I would give in by getting in touch with him, so that we could be on speaking terms again.

This past Mother's Day while dining at a restaurant, I asked him, quietly and nicely, if he could find the time to come see us once a week or once every other week. He sizzled with anger. He told me I had just ruined another holiday by bringing up "visits." I asked him if he knew how heartless he was being. He made the most horrible,wicked "grinning" face and shook his head, "Yes!" I was taken aback by this blunt display of cruelty and said, "You mean you agree that you're being heartless?" Again, he made the horrible, wicked, "grinning" face and nodded "Yes." He followed that up with "And I'm not gonna spend the rest of the day with you. I'm going home from here."

Tears rolled silently down my cheeks. My dil said nothing, as it's never been her practice to say anything to him like "These are your parents. They've been loving and generous to both of us, and I think you should show them some respect." SHE would NEVER speak to her parents in this manner. The odd part about that is she's been given more in life since she came into our family, because we spoiled her in ways her parents wouldn't dream of.

If my husband and I could think of any good reason for them to want us out of their lives, this might make sense to us; but we can't! My son hinted that he finds us boring now that we're seniors. He can't stand to visit with us and do nothing but talk. It's just not "him," as he put it.

Though they want nothing to do with us, we still sent her a check for her birthday. Why did we send her a check in spite of everything that's transpired? Because we already honored my son's birthday earlier, so we didn't think it would be right to ignore dil's birthday. When their anniversary came up, we decided enough was enough and didn't acknowledge it at all. That's very out of character for us.

You may be thinking we went overboard in everything we did. Our friends have stated that the only mistake we've made is to make my son the center of our universe. Funny, but I didn't think you could love a child too much or nurture them too much. I honestly believed the only thing that could come from focusing so much attention on a child was love between parents and the child. What a fool I am. How can a person become mean and cruel simply from lots of love and attention? We never visited them unless we were invited, because we've heard so many couples complain about interference from parents and in-laws. But does that mean we shouldn't expect any visits from them, except for maybe 10 times a year? Or if they need something? They never have holidays at their home. My son cut out Valentine cards, because he said he doesn't feel Valentine's Day is meant for parents. Then he made sure he made plans that didn't include us for Memorial Day, the 4th of July, Labor Day and Easter. That left only Christmas and every other Thanksgiving as holidays spent together. The preparations for Thanksgiving and Christmas were left up to me. By the time I was their age, I was already relieving my mother of holiday responsibility for years and years, but they don't seem to think about taking a turn for anything.

Unexpectedly, I received an email from son......the first communication in over six months. It said only:

"Hello. Thought you'd want to know that my father in law had a second heart attack over the weekend, had to have a balloon procedure done in the hospital, but will probably be allowed to come home tomorrow. How are you guys doing?"

That was it. He didn't even sign it.  There was no sign of an apology, no sign of affection, nothing. Am I just supposed to forget how he treated me and the "faces" he made to me and act like nothing ever happened? He's used to having us give in with no apology necessary. He just expects us never to mention it again. We refuse to do that any more.  I responded to his email with "We wish him a speedy recovery."

My husband's birthday rolled around, and son and dil sent him a gift card via email.  Husband was so fed up at this point that he sent son a note saying, in light of what's transpired, he couldn't accept the gift card; and he sent it back to son.  No response.  Christmas came, and son and dil sent a flower arrangement with a card saying "Merry Christmas.  Love, ..........."  No phone calls, no visit.  I responded with an email that said the flowers were unexpected but very pretty.  We gave them nothing for Christmas.  No communication of any kind since then.

I'm in emotional pain every day since this started last May on Mother's  Day.  I cry.  I lose sleep.  I pray.  But no answers come to me.  I'm sick over the separation, yet giving in to my son once again by being the  one to contact him to end this separation doesn't feel like the right thing to do either.  He seems very content to fulfill what he considers an "obligation" by sending us gifts but having no real relationship with us.  What do the gifts mean?  Is it what he considers to be "reaching out" or is it just a "token" of obligation on his part?  Does he feel gifts make up for the time he doesn't want to spend with us?

I'd appreciate any suggestions, and I thank you for taking the  time to consider my problem and letting me know where I went wrong.


LaurieS

Angie.. It's not where did you go wrong.. it's where do you go from here.

Angie

Where DO I go from here, Laurie?  It will soon be nine months that I haven't seen my son or talked with him.  I hear from others that he and dil are having a blast meeting up with, partying with and participating in sports with their friends.  I'm having such a hard time trying to understand how son doesn't feel the loss that I feel.

jill

Dear Angie,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, but so glad you have found WWU.  There are many people here going through the same thing, who will offer advice and tell you their stories. I know how you feel, it hurts so much when your children, who you would give your life for, don't seem to care about you.    My odd is also 42, and I do not know if or when I will see her again.  Keep posting, you will comfort here...............Jill

Angie

How do you live with that, Jill?  The thought of never having a relationship with my son is killing me. 

Pooh

Welcome Angie and I am so sorry for your pain.  I think you and your DH are doing exactly what you should.  You have set your boundaries by not sending gifts, you answered appropriately the email, and are backing off.  With the way your DS answered last year, he clearly knows what he is doing.  And he clearly knows that you want him to visit.  So now it is up to him.  You can't force him and he is telling you he is tired of hearing it.  Right or wrong, he is tired of hearing it.  So, stay backed off and see what happens.

I think by sending DH a present, the flowers and the email, he at least is still acknowledging that you are in his life.  It may not be how you think he should, but he is acknowledging it.  You did say one thing that struck me.  10X a year and once a week or every other week for a visit?  I do think that is a lot of pressure to put on him since he has a wife and his own life.  I know you miss him, but they do in fact have a life to live.

And I don't want you to think I said that out of meanness.  I haven't seen my DS in over a year, so I know how hard it is.  But if I did have a great relationship with him, a visit or meet for dinner every couple or three of months would tickle me to death.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

I think some people have a problem when they are asked to agree to a schedule of sorts for visits. And while I'm sure you were not trying to set visits in stone, that may be how he took it.

Your son does sound like he did become selfish and self-centered.. I'm sure if you had it all to do over again you would change quite a few things, but that really isn't the issue.  He has grown into an adult who is having a hard time putting any value in your relationship... I too think that you've done the right thing in setting some boundaries for what behavior you will and will not accept.  Through your friends etc you are hearing that he is happy and doing well, for that you should be grateful.  You may have to accept the fact that he will  never apologize for his past actions, because he may not recognize his actions as being wrong. He may have felt that he too was setting some boundaries, just in a rather immature manner IMHO. 

Angie

I guess the reason I don't understand the "he has a wife and a life" attitude is because, although I also had a husband and a life and a child to raise, I always made time for my parents........simply because they were my parents.  What happened to respect?  I became bored visiting my parents as they aged, also; but I visited anyway.  During my son's visits, he'd spend time talking to his friends on his cell phone or sitting at our computer.  Then he'd abrubtly leave.  Where did he learn such disrespect?  Certainly not from us.  I see my neighbors' children visiting them often, and their children have children.  I would  think having little children to raise (plus both parents holding down full-time jobs) would leave much less time for socializing with parents, yet my neighbors' children manage to do it.  My son has no responsbility outside of his work.....no children.....nothing.  I would have  loved to have grandchildren.  Son said, "You'd make a wonderful grandmother, but you'll never be one."  I never said a word because I don't believe anyone should have children just to please someone else.  But do I miss the joy I see in those fortunate enough to become grandparents?  Yes, I do.  However, I'd still never say anything about it to son.  I realize it's not my place. 

holliberri

Hi Angie,

I'm a DIL, and I heard my DH's conversation over the phone with his parents last night.

"Can we skype this Sunday?"
"We started going to Church, so I'm not sure."

I go to church. Not him. Ugh. I asked him about this and he said he doesn't want to commit, when he feels like doing something, he'll do it. He doesn't like the pressure, but he LOVES his parents. The Skype thing has been an issue b/c they would like us to Skype every Sunday; as BIL does with them.

I said nothing while his parents were on the phone.  I think that was his REALLY bad way of setting boundaries; although I'm not sure what Skyping one Sunday has to do with boundaries...he just interpreted it as turning into a possible weekly Skype session.

DIL may not have known what to say when DS acted that way towards you; I still don't know what to say to my DH about what he told his parents last night, and confrontations send me running for the hills.  Please don't take that personally. I can understand why she would want to stay out of the crossfire. What is going on is between you and him; it has nothing to do with her.

DH doesn't like weekly commitments (not even on Skype). Is it possible DS took your suggestion this way? I don't think he handled it appropriately at all, but could it be this was what he was aiming at?

Reading the rest of your post, it does sound like DS is trying to assemble some sort of communication with you (via gifts--lots of the women on here have done that). My guess is that he wants it to be on his terms.

MrsKitty

I just wanted to say ditto to what Laurie has posted. I also wanted to add that you don't know what your DIL says to her DH behind closed doors--she may well be intervening on your behalf (or not, who knows?). In my opinion, I really don't think it is her place. I personally try to stay out of my DH's relationship with his parents--that is his relationship, not mine and I wouldn't appreciate it if he tried to step into my relationship with my parents.

It seems like you are expecting your son to behave as you behaved or as others behave. He will not. He is his own person with his own thoughts and values. He puts a lot of time into things you may not think are important (friends, socializing)--but that's him. He may not think that the things you value are important.

Perhaps it would be a good idea if you looked into some therapy for yourself, you sound depressed.

Angie

I'd say I'm depressed.  I did seek professional counseling.  The end result was I either agree to his terms to keep the relationship going or make boundaries of my own in order to garner some self respect of my own (I've never been good at saying no to son, even at the sacrifice of my own self respect).  So far I've chosen the latter, but it's not proving to be anything that takes away the pain I feel as a mother.

holliberri

Angie,

Have you tried the former? It might lessen the pain since what you've been doing hasn't been helping. I'm very sorry. Although, I'm having trouble as to why respecting his boundaries means that you don't haveany of your own.

Angie

Thanks, holliberri, for giving me the perspective of a dil.  I was thinking that the generations are very different from each other in the way they approach things, but now I'm getting the impression that people can be very different from the way they were raised.
It obviously doesn't have to have anything to do with which generation a person belongs to.

Angie

I have tried the former, holliberri; and each and every time I've been made to feel that, if I'm not the one willing to make the concessions, then there will be no relationshiip.  It doesn't me feel very worthwhie as a person.  I've spent 42 years building self esteem in my son, and I feel son enjoys tearing mine down every chance he gets.  Still I can't stop loving and missing him. 

MrsKitty

Quote from: Angie on January 21, 2011, 11:30:08 AM
This past Mother's Day while dining at a restaurant, I asked him, quietly and nicely, if he could find the time to come see us once a week or once every other week. He sizzled with anger. He told me I had just ruined another holiday by bringing up "visits." I asked him if he knew how heartless he was being. He made the most horrible,wicked "grinning" face and shook his head, "Yes!" I was taken aback by this blunt display of cruelty and said, "You mean you agree that you're being heartless?" Again, he made the horrible, wicked, "grinning" face and nodded "Yes." He followed that up with "And I'm not gonna spend the rest of the day with you. I'm going home from here."
I think that much of your problem with your son stems from your different ways of communicating and "hearing" the other person. It seems to me that you are both saying things that the other person is not hearing.

When you asked for weekly visits he hears:

"Son, you are not spending enough time with me. You are responsible for my happiness and meeting my needs-- and you are not meeting my needs. I want you to commit to a visit with me every week no matter what. If you do not make this visit, I will be very upset with you and it will show me that I do not matter to you."

This is not what you said (or meant), but it seems like this is what he heard.

Then, when he responded, in his mind he said,"No, I am not willing to commit to that. Your needs are not more important than mine and you are pressuring me to sacrifice my needs and wants for your needs and wants. I am not willing to do that."

But what you heard was,"No, you don't matter to me and I don't care about you."

Your response was then that he is heartless. He interprets your response as being--he is "heartless" if he does not agree to sacrifice his own wants/needs/desires in order to meet yours.

I think the two of you have a fundamental communication problem and I would encourage you to go back to therapy. Sometimes, you need more time to sort through difficult things.

Meantime, take this time to spend on your own hobbies and likes. Travel with your great husband--go to the spa...have some fun!