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Oh I shoulda told em so!

Started by tryingmybest, January 17, 2011, 06:16:43 pm

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Pen

Me, too, Tara - I just thought we'd all get along like adults.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

Me three.  I thought everyone would work through issues and act like humans should act.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

tryingmybest

I miss those days too. The other day I actually had both sons at dinner alone (no dills) It was kinda nice. :) It is such a hard time of life, but I'm finding if you detach and keep the lines of communication open you stand the best chance of not going completely nuts. And this site is so important, we are not alone... And that makes such a difference.

cremebrulee

Quote from: Pen on January 18, 2011, 07:07:53 am
Creme, thanks for bringing up the point about never saying anything negative about DIL, and I might add her FOO. It will most definitely get back to her, and you'd be likely looking at a cutoff.

I've become the queen of sounding interested but really saying nothing...I don't make any definite statements about anything related to their lives, and what little I do say is always positive and supportive no matter my concerns. DIL told DS recently that she appreciated DH & me for not jumping into the fray when some major life decisions were being hashed over; apparently her FOO was pressuring them.

Now be assured I would LOVE to have a good old long talk about everything w/ DS the way we used to! I miss our discussions terribly, but I know those days are over. :(


Your very wise to do what your doing and are now accepting what is....when I get to the point of remembering those fond days of how things were with my son, instead of feeling that punch in the stomach, I worked hard at remembering how blessed I was at having a great son...he was a joy to raise and I was very lucky to have him, to learn from him, to share and grow with him, and fondly I might add, it always puts a smile in my heart and on my face....but yes, those days are over and instead of feeling sad, I remember, always, this is HIS life now, and his turn, and he is very happy and in love, like I was, and I used to say, when he was younger, before my DIL....my hope for my son, is that he experience love and parenting, so what else could I want for? 

I hope that helps, it worked for me....it's reconditioning to self to look for the blessings rather then think of the sad stuff....and in doing so, it's become very bountiful....


cremebrulee

Quote from: tryingmybest on January 19, 2011, 08:10:37 pm
I miss those days too. The other day I actually had both sons at dinner alone (no dills) It was kinda nice. :) It is such a hard time of life, but I'm finding if you detach and keep the lines of communication open you stand the best chance of not going completely nuts. And this site is so important, we are not alone... And that makes such a difference.


Yanno, I have friends and family members, whose wives boot they're son's out of the house and make them have quality time with they're mothers....why?  Because they understand the preciousness of motherhood and child....b/c they have children of they're own, and they feel that Mom is not going to be around forever, so, they make they're husbands take they're moms out to dinner once a month or so....that kinda thing really warms my heart.

luise.volta

I hope you're kidding, Creme. I sure wouldn't want to have my son take me to dinner because he was told to.  :(
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

The pity visit...so very awkward.

Creme, I think you meant that the wives encourage their husbands to visit? That they don't stand in the way of DH's relationship with his FOO? I agree that it's heartwarming to see a DIL who can understand & not be threatened by that bond.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

MrsKitty

I just wanted to add that I think that it is important if the OP's son is coming to her with marital problems that she tell him that he needs to discuss his feelings with his wife. Great job!

Pen

Mrs. K, I totally agree! And you'll be glad to know that's exactly what we did.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

LaurieS

I'm always willing to listen to one of my kids if they need to talk through a problem.  Listening is not the problem.. it's the advice.

cremebrulee

Quote from: Pen on January 20, 2011, 09:08:57 am
The pity visit...so very awkward.

Creme, I think you meant that the wives encourage their husbands to visit? That they don't stand in the way of DH's relationship with his FOO? I agree that it's heartwarming to see a DIL who can understand & not be threatened by that bond.


yes, exactly...and the son's don't mind doing it at all, however, you know some men, you have to give em a nudge.....but the after effects are so rewarding...and son's should have some quality time with they're mothers....just as daughters love to have quality time with they're mom's....