At my wits end

[Faithlooksup]

Hi!!   So glad to read about the breakthrough!!!  Just hang in their.....DS will come around eventually when he can face everyone---I feel that right now he is just hideing in shame and in all do respect~he should.  Just let him wallow around its good for him and may make him humble as well.   Just keep your distance, they know the door is open and they will knock.....

Peace...Faith

[holliberri]

I'm am very happy to hear that Farrelly! Just remember their issues are their issues, and no more.  Somewhere deep down, GF probably knows that too, but finding the right way to act can be hard. It might be a little step, but it is a step.  Plus, if it keeps up, she's liable to be more comfortable around you b/c repeated interaction does reduce tension. No worries there! I hope DS comes around eventually. 

[Pooh]

Great news and glad you had a nice time!  I echo what the others said, hang in there.

[LaurieS]

Breakthrough!!!!!!
I got a text message from GF asking if I wanted to pick up GS from school and keep him for a couple of hours. Boy I certainly did not question it just said yes and had a fantastic time. But when DH took him back she completly ignored him. But hey ho we can put up with rudenesss as long as we are gonna get some access to GS. I realise that in the future any access to GS will be on her terms but it is something we will take just to see him. I think I feel sorry for her now, she has been through hell with DS and the only weapon she has is GS. I will keep my distance but it still hurts that DS does not come to see us or communicate. Thankyou all for your advice will keep you posted. xxxxxxxx

I understand your excitement, but a little taken back at the same time.  You state that you can put up with rudeness in order to see your grandchild.  I don't know how long a person can truly accept those terms.  If your gfil will only contact you when she needs a babysitter and then treat you rudely after you've completed your task, will this always be acceptable to you?  Your dh being treated poorly upon taking his time to take the child home and then being forced to accept this treatment will only continue to make him accept blame for a problem that had obviously been going on before the 'secret' was out.

I'm sure it would be a tough situation to be in.. of course seeing your grandchild is what you want most. I am only speaking as if I were the one in the situation when I say that I would feel that I was teaching/encouraging my son and his gf to continue to treat me badly by accepting rude and unkind behavior from the start. 

One other thing that I would consider is this.  If there is poor communication and trust, how will all parties react if even the slightest of boo boos were to happen while the grandchild is in your care?  To me, all of you owe it to the welfare of the child to come to terms if you are to continue picking the child up and accepting responsibility for his happiness and safety. The next time you are asked to care for the child, I would also be the one to take the child home and confront the problem.  Let the gfil understand that you are not passing any judgment on her for your own son's behavior but instead that you are there to stand by her and your grandchild.  I feel that this tug/pull, please help me/back off, behavior will make this child a weapon and this will have been accomplished by everyone's  actions, not just the moms.

[cremebrulee]

What really angers me about this whole thing, is, the fact that she contacted you when she needed a baby sitter...and then the rudeness starts again....they know you want to see that grandchild, so, they will give you bits of morsals whenever they need a sitter...and grandparents are so desperate to see they're grandchildren, that well, what else can they do?

how unfair....

Laurie, how would you handle this if it were you?

[holliberri]

One other thing that I would consider is this.  If there is poor communication and trust, how will all parties react if even the slightest of boo boos were to happen while the grandchild is in your care?  To me, all of you owe it to the welfare of the child to come to terms if you are to continue picking the child up and accepting responsibility for his happiness and safety. The next time you are asked to care for the child, I would also be the one to take the child home and confront the problem.  Let the gfil understand that you are not passing any judgment on her for your own son's behavior but instead that you are there to stand by her and your grandchild.  I feel that this tug/pull, please help me/back off, behavior will make this child a weapon and this will have been accomplished by everyone's  actions, not just the moms.

I hadn't considered this, but this is a really good point, and you just might owe it to yourself to do this. It doesn't mean that you won't see GS again if you do bring it up. Respect goes both ways, and I'm not sure putting that aside to spend time with GS would be worth that. You can't really support that family in their healing without obtaining mutual respect, I don't think.

[Pen]

I agree.

[LaurieS]

I would make sure that I was the one taking the child home and knowing me I wouldn't ask if this was a good time to talk I'd just start by saying.. hey gfdi, I'm so sorry for the events that led to this but I'm concerned about the hurt relationship between us all.  But above all, I would make sure that I did not in any way shape or form make her feel that she was responsible for the son's actions, past or present.  She is hurting, she is humiliated, I'm sure she is really struggling..going to her as another female and not as his mother, might be more helpful.

[luise.volta]

Progress! And insight to go along with it. Good for you! Sending love...

[farrelly80]

Ladies

Thanks again for your comments. But I know I will put up with anything at the moment just to see GS. I was so upset and blamed myself and I know its not maybe the best way forward but at the moment I cant see any further than just seeing the little one. I will have to bide my time and hope that my DS will eventually come round and talk but I dont think GF will come near. Maybe that is for the best at the moment. Its sad that you bring a boy up to be a good honest and respectful individual and he treats his parents like this. My YS says it is all the GF and  he would never allow his Gf to behave like that to us, but he is a grown man and has to make amends for his behaviour and if that means keeping away from his family so be it. Now where is that wine xxxxx

[Pooh]

Pssshhh....go for the tequila!

[LaurieS]

Ladies

Thanks again for your comments. But I know I will put up with anything at the moment just to see GS. I was so upset and blamed myself and I know its not maybe the best way forward but at the moment I cant see any further than just seeing the little one. I will have to bide my time and hope that my DS will eventually come round and talk but I dont think GF will come near. Maybe that is for the best at the moment. Its sad that you bring a boy up to be a good honest and respectful individual and he treats his parents like this. My YS says it is all the GF and  he would never allow his Gf to behave like that to us, but he is a grown man and has to make amends for his behaviour and if that means keeping away from his family so be it. Now where is that wine xxxxx

At least you understand fully what you are doing and why... you are making your decision and sticking to it.. I sincerely hope it works for you.

You said that the gfil will not come near you.. but she did call and ask if you would consider picking her child up from school.. I think that could be a first step.. don't force her to make to many more first steps or she may stop trying.

Like you we all attempt to raise our kids to be honest, respectful, loving adults.  But keep in mind that your son is not just letting you and your husband down, he has let down his entire family.  Let this be his burden, not everyone else's. While it's easiest to put all the blame on the gfil, she is not the one who betrayed the relationships.   Wishing you luck

[L]

The girlfriend has a right to be mad if he had an affair.  But no right to be mad at you and your husband.   Sounds to me they are just lashing out at you because their life is a mess (made that way by themselves...not your fault)  Never a good start to get pregnant and have to move in together because of pregnancy.  If I read correctly that is what happened and so they had to get together?  If it were me I would probably email my son and tell him you and your husband love him and you are there for him but that maybe he and his girlfriend could benefit from couples counseling and that you hope they can work things out for the GS sake.  At least they let you see the GS.  I feel sorry for people who have to get a lawyer to get their rights as grandparents to see the grandkids. 












 

[farrelly80]

Hi All
Well I have been coping very well, I havent texted called or been in touch and we are still having GS every week after school for a couple of hours which is great.Though I find it unnerving that they dont contact us about picking GS up just assume we will do it. DH always  takes GS home after but he does not go in the house, he says he doesnt want to put himself into the situation were Gf ignores him so he only drops him at the door. Im struggling today as its DS birthday tomorrow and its breaking my heart that I probably wont see him. Ive sent a card through GS but we always used to go out and celebrate as a family. How long must this go on, my DH says it may be forever, thats a long time.  You cannot believe how this website has helped me to cope, just reading all the terrible times everyone else is going through somehow makes me count my blessings.My YS is a great help, he keeps my chin up and keeps telling me mum it is not your fault and his GF is really great with me she includes me in everything and meets me for lunch when she can. I have a good social life and keep busy but DS is still my firstborn and its very hard not seeing him. I will keep my nerve and not contact him but it makes me wonder how can you be a happy person if you have no contact with your parents who have loved you dearly. I loved that one of you ladies said these young girls need to be zapped into the future and see how they would feel if their grown kids treated them like this. 
Anyway coping with lots of wine and a sneaky ciggy, started smoking again after 15 years, dont know why but it stops me crying).
Sending much love xxx

[Pen]

Hi, Farrelly80. I was wondering what was going on with you, so glad you posted. It's great that you still get to see your GS, but I'm sorry things aren't better with DS & his GF. Your YS sounds like a great guy, and his GF is wonderfully understanding. You sound as if you are making some progress. Take care!