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At my wits end

Started by farrelly80, January 11, 2011, 01:40:40 PM

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farrelly80

Ladies
Thanks for all your advice, I really do appreciate it and you have no idea how much it helps just being able to talk to someone about what I am going through. There is an awful lot more that has happened that would take to long to explain. I realise that GF is hurting and I have tried to be supportive but hey you can only take so much rudeness and bad manners. My sons were brought up to be respectful and that is why I cant understand why my DS wont come round and talk it through. I realise that DH was going through hell not being able to talk to me and I will try to be closer to him but it has affected our relationship and I should really treasure him because he is a diamond. It is hell not seeing our GS and unbearable what he must be thinking (or what they are telling him) were are so close. But I will take your advice and give them space and time and hope in my heart that they will sort it out and we can get back to being a family again. Thanks again for all your advice and I hope all your problems will lessen in time xxxxxx

Pooh

I certainly hope this works out for you farrelly.  And you were right about only taking so much.  Just because a person has issues or problems, doesn't give them the right to be mean.  I will give someone some leeway when I know they are having problems, but only for a while.  Sympathy/Empathy does not equal doormat.

If DH is a diamond, then forgive him if he feels bad about what happened.  It had to be hard on him to keep it from you. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

MrsKitty

Farrelly,
As a DIL, I think it would help you to get a different perspective on this. Your DIL is not behaving as she should, but I really feel sorry for her. She is dealing with a VERY difficult situation. Her partner cheated on her and now from her perspective he's gone and blabbed it to his whole family (I know he only told your DH, but when we are in the middle of a grand humiliation, if one person knows, it seems as though EVERYONE knows--I am sure you have felt the same way in the past about something). As far as your DIL knows, your DH told you and you told the rest of the family (this is not true--but think about it from her perspective). I can't blame her for not wanting to be around your family, I am sure she is completely humiliated and worried about the stares and the gossip she might encounter at a big family gathering. Even though it was your son that did wrong (I don't care if she wouldn't get a job--he has no excuse to have an affair), often in these cases the wife gets the blame when the husband strays (because she got too fat, she wouldn't work, she nags too much--as if husbands are so perfect!). Don't ask me why the woman seems to get the blame when the man strays--but it happens all the time. Then, after she is humiliated by her partner, your DIL finds out that his mother is telling him that he is not taking proper care of his FOO's needs. Her response--WHA? She is probably at the end of her rope because her partner has obviously not taken care of his wife's needs, nor his child's. He needs to be in counseling with her, spending time repairing their relationship and doing some major making up. From her perspective, she has just had a major trauma and the reaction she perceives you as having is: "Hey, DS, why aren't you paying enough attention to me?" I know this isn't your intent, but I encourage you to look at it from her perspective, if you hope to repair things. My advice is to back off. And, if your son comes complaining to you about how bad his wife is and how she drove him to an affair because she wouldn't work--I really think you should give him a major bonk on the head and tell him that he is the one who displayed VERY bad character and he is the one who hurt his partner and his child. Your son has some big time work to do if he hopes to save his family.

luise.volta

It was such a mess before he cheated...that's not an excuse...but it's still true. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Luise is right.  My first marriage ended with infidelity (which was devestating), but we had issues way before then.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

Quote from: Pooh on January 13, 2011, 05:41:28 AM
Luise is right.  My first marriage ended with infidelity (which was devestating), but we had issues way before then.
Did the word castration ever come to mind, Pooh?

Pooh

After 21 years of marriage.....nah.  I knew what he had and what she was getting....she was already short-changed!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

Quote from: Pooh on January 13, 2011, 06:35:37 AM
After 21 years of marriage.....nah.  I knew what he had and what she was getting....she was already short-changed!

LOL..... ;D ;D

luise.volta

My ex, along with "the other woman" are part of our family circle. She and I have become friends. At one event, the three of us were sitting together (Val didn't go) and I jokingly said that what we had most in common was my ex. She looked my right in the eye and said, "Do you want him back?" When I got home I told Val about it and we had a good laugh. She was only half kidding and I was the one who won the prize.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

seasage

Quote from: luise.volta on January 13, 2011, 07:44:46 AM
She looked my right in the eye and said, "Do you want him back?" When I got home I told Val about it and we had a good laugh. She was only half kidding and I was the one who won the prize.

My first marriage ended due to husband's infidelity.  I was devastated and cried for six months.  In the end, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Within 3 years, I had won a fabulous prize also!   

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Faithlooksup

Greetings, to all....OK, with my family when I was young, I would remember telling my Dad somethings and tell him, "don't tell mom!!!!!" .....But my Dad did anyways...and with my Dad doing that I did learn respect and honesty....my parents never hid anything from one another when it came to us kids.  So I feel their was nothing wrong with your hubby telling you what DS did, for YOU are his parent also. I also congratulate DH for being honest with you.

Well, then DS, gets mad at Dad for telling you.....of course DS is going to be mad.....and now he can be mad at Dad instead of himself....."Misdirected Anger" at its best.....His affair was wrong no matter what especially being he has a GF and child.  For now he is going to be mad at everyone for you are his "scapegoat."

You mentioned about an email you sent~~however I may be lost here---for what did you say in the email?????

At this point...this is "their problem" which they must work out together..period...I would not touch it with a ten foot pole!!!!!!!     Perhaps, someday they will both realize that they are both the blame and not you and DH.......So, I would simply back away and let them do what they need to do.....when they are ready to talk they will...When they are ready if ever to forgive one another, they will...  Its just BEST to say out of this...

Sending much luck and Hugs your way...Faith :)

cremebrulee

When I found out my husband was cheating, it threw me into a very dark place, a place I so do not want to go back to.  And to boot, later, found out he had been cheating on me since before we were married and all through the marriage....pretty darn sick.  At first I blamed myself, and so did he, but after I left him, I spent a long time in counseling and found out that I just kept choosing the wrong people to trust my heart with, which came from childhood abuse...I also did a lot of researching, as well...
and soul searching, cuz when I looked to myself that is when I got answers....finally one day, I stopped blaming him and asked myself why I was even attracted to someone so irresponsible...and got a whole lot of ansers...

luise.volta

Wise Woman! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

farrelly80

Breakthrough!!!!!!
I got a text message from GF asking if I wanted to pick up GS from school and keep him for a couple of hours. Boy I certainly did not question it just said yes and had a fantastic time. But when DH took him back she completly ignored him. But hey ho we can put up with rudenesss as long as we are gonna get some access to GS. I realise that in the future any access to GS will be on her terms but it is something we will take just to see him. I think I feel sorry for her now, she has been through hell with DS and the only weapon she has is GS. I will keep my distance but it still hurts that DS does not come to see us or communicate. Thankyou all for your advice will keep you posted. xxxxxxxx