At my wits end

[luise.volta]

oreilly - Good to get your feedback!

[Pooh]

Oreilly, best of luck with this.  I think you and DH are very caring people that are caught up in the middle.  And kudos to you for trying so hard, and knowing when to back off and just wait.  And as far as your DH goes, nice people have a breaking point too.  I have taken and given until I am so angry and hurt at a situation, that an outburst is inevitable.  It doesn't make it right and I usually feel badly later, but it's human nature.  Hopefully there will come a time and place where it can be talked about. 

Sending huge hugs to you!

[lancaster lady]

Just coming in this one ...a bit late I know ....

My take on this is .....
If DS GF was expecting , he would be overjoyed and wanted to share the news with his FOO.
no problem .
He takes them a scan of the unborn baby , everyone is delighted .
DM asks to show the scan to a dear family friend , he says ok .
Family friend sends a congratulatory message to GF .
She goes beserk !! .....Can someone tell me why ?
Surely she will know this person as she has contacted her .
Also when expecting a baby she should be also overjoyed and want to tell everyone ...no ??
why the secret ?
DM hasn't told the world , just one person .
I really don't see why a whole family should fall out because a baby is on the way .
Isn't this Good News ??
Time for a celebration ??
I lknow this subject is exhausted but thought I put my twopence worth in ..(.old saying.)

[holliberri]

My fourth and only successful pregnancy, while perfect, was the most nerve racking experience of my life. I told DH. We were living with my dad at the time, along with my aunt and cousin. They weren't told until I was 8 weeks along and only b/c I caught my aunt smoking in the house.

We did not tell DH's parents until 10 weeks (until in person) We asked them not to tell anyone. MIL told me that I should be celebrating and not quiet about this; I tried and tried to tell her that DH and I were happy, but we wanted to keep the good news to myself. She told her entire family (about 47 people). I immediately began getting baby clothes, congratulations cards and everything else.

I then began spotting at 12 weeks. Fortunately, everything was fine this time...but I would have preferred MIL respected my wishes (even if my DH thought the world should know, which he didn't), and kept her mouth shut. I didn't want to tell complete strangers that something had happened. Yes, they are DH's family, but they are strangers to me and that's not something I'd be comfortable sharing with them...since they never knew about my other pregnancies.

The seconds literally inched by when I was pregnant; at any given time, I felt something could have gone wrong. I didn't even come out on FB (part of my identity) until 20 weeks and NO ultrasound photos or belly pics were posted. I wasn't taking chances. I get not wanting to share photos, no matter how close the people are with the family.

[Pooh]

I can totally understand that Holli and your reasons, and they should have respected.  I think the difference is that you and your DH were on the same page and he wasn't telling his Mother it was ok. 

I totally get your situation, but I have sympathy for Oreilly, that asked her DS and got a yes, then felt beat down when she did it.  And regardless what any of us think about the text, she still felt beat down after feeling she had done the right thing by asking first.  If I felt I was taking the text wrong, then I would have done the same thing and called my DS and asked what was going on?  Not to slight DIL, but because he was the one I asked and got permission from.  My personality is to go back to the person I talked to, if there might be a problem.  If he lied to me and her, then that is their problem, not mine and nothing I can do about it.

[overwhelmed123]

When ever anyone says I'm sorry "but"...I never read the rest.

Love this- that's exactly how I feel here and in real life.  Apologies shouldn't include "buts" if they are sincere.

[holliberri]

I didn't say I didn't have sympathy for OReilly; LL was asking if it was a time to celebrate and I was only explaining that it might not be and that there might be good reasons for not sharing the news just yet.

I think even first time mothers should be respected if they want things kept secret. People are just awful at dealing with disappointing subjects like miscarriage, so I can see why people would want to avoid that from the getgo. Both parents need to be on the same page with that, for sure.

[Pooh]

Isn't it funny that most everything we talk about on this forum, always rolls back around to respect or lack of it, or the perception of lack of it?  For all sides?

[holliberri]

I think it is funny, but I do think it's the underlying theme here. And...if I recall correctly, I'm not sure the OP's DS or his GF have had a whole lot of respect for one another lately. I suppose this could splinter and affect everything else. Trickle down effect, I suppose?

[Pooh]

Yes, trickle down.  Maybe I should have added "lack of taking responsibility" too.  Seems to be a blame game many times without dealing with the root cause.  If I can blame someone else, I don't have to look in the mirror.

[lancaster lady]

If GF hadn't given her permission ,then thats a different call.
You are absolutely right Holli , I don't think in your circumstances no one should have been told until you were both comfortable with it .MIL should have been more aware of your situation and should have sat on the news .
I was told by the couple themselves .They gave me a gift wrapped parcel .Inside was the baby scan .
This was after 12 weeks .
I didn't need to tell anyone .It was posted on FB .!
Respect seems such an old fashioned word these days .We were taught to respect our elders .
Then maybe you have  to earn respect too .

[holliberri]

That was sweet of them, LL. I didn't give anyone photos of my scan; I figured word wouldn't travel that way. I was wrong. Ha!

You don't know how hard it was keeping it off of FB for me. I was quilting, shopping and doing some other things I wanted to talk about (even if not about the baby), but since they were baby-related...I thought the better of it.

[holliberri]

Oh, and my DH said the other day if we have anymore good news like that...MIL finds out on FB, with the rest of the world. ((((sigh)))).

[lancaster lady]

Good Luck with that one Holli ...lol
I was told that was how she does things ....now that I'm a perfect MIL.I just smile and say that's nice .

[oreilly]

Hi all,

update.....DS rang on his way to a late call out, he said lets move on with things. We are to have no contact with Gf but he will come round at the weekend with GS and spend some time with us. He wants things to get back to some normality and will try to come round to see us every week. Well I am happy!! at least Ive got my DS back talking and wanting to see us. He says Gf admitted  she over reacted to the message from my friend and to the phone call from DH. He has promised me he will bring GS round weekly to see us. I think its a positive step as we have had little contact with him over the last 2 years. Maybe he will see that we are not ogres (which he knew anyway) and see that we love him and always have. LIfe is so short in the grand scheme of things and we would still love to have a relationship with Gf but that is her issue and until she sorts that out we cannot do anything. I am so happy he has taken this stance even though its not ideal, but he knows we love him and will always be there for him. Its funny  I thought it was my beloved GS i missed so much but it was also my DS who I think now realises he misses us too. Maybe now I can give some help/insight/advice/support to the rest of you lovely ladies. You cannot know how much this site has helped me to vent/rant/cry and find hope and wise words. You are indeed wise women, xxxx