My children are to good for me now

[Kate123]

I did my best to raise my kids, taught them to read, helped them through school, made sure they they stayed on the right track so that they were never in trouble and so on. Mean while their father was always busy with his career and his affairs. At 43, after my kids were gone, and after finding out he was having yet another affair I had an affair, and it tore the family apart. My kids did not speak to me for years and sided with their father. Now they are all close and spend weekends and Holidays together. I call and try to get close, but they don't seem to want anything to do with me. It seems so unfair that my X was allowed to have his affairs, but I was crucified. After giving 25 years of my life to my family I am treated like trash. I find it so hard to go on everyday, all I think about is how they are all together enjoying life while I feel frozen. It really would help to know that I am not the only one going through something like this.

[luise.volta]

The specific details are different, but no, you are not the only good mom to be tossed aside for a long-term irresponsible father. The reason is obscure...but rebuilding your life and not having it be about them is the way most end up healing. The mom is often resented for her authority and not seen as supportive and protective and the errant father comes out the good guy because he never was around to be the disciplinarian. Sad but true. Sending love...

[Kate123]

Thank you Luise. It is good to hear some advice. From what I have seen on this board you truly are a hero.

[Nana]

Hi Kate

Of course you are not alone in this situation.  Many moms in the site are hurting for the same reasons.  I really dont know why is it easier to accept things (affairs) from Dad and no tolerance towards moms.  Probably the expectations for mom are highter.  Know it is not fair but sometimes our children can be more critical with moms. 

Your children will reconsider...just give them time.  You did your best while raising them...now give yourself love and be happy. 

Love

[L]

I know you probably wish now you had divorced the ex-husband earlier instead of staying together and the affairs.  But, I know things aren't always black and white and I know sometimes financially or other reasons, a woman cannot simply just pick up and leave a bad marriage though, so I have a lot of sympathy for you believe me.  I know it's hard to leave when the kids are still in the house.  You want to keep the family together for the kids.   

I think maybe you could benefit from going to see a counselor as you said it is so hard to go on each day.  At least they can listen in person.  You are not alone believe me...My 31 year old daughter is horrible to me and I was a good mom too and that's why I'm on here.  It helps to read the post here for support and advice they are great.  I know your pain about the holidays...my daughter never cares to be with me at Thanksgiving/ Christmas and it breaks my heart.

You know in your heart that you were a good mom so try to realize it is not your fault, they are the ones with the issues.  They probably saw their dad treat you badly all those years so they think it's o.k.  I don't know.  All you can do is go on with your life now and maybe they will change down the road.  At least you don't have to live with and put up with your ex anymore. 

Find your own happiness.  You deserve it!  There are people out there who will love and respect you.  Your ex is obviously not a very nice person or he would encourage the kids to respect you., He will get what's coming to him in the end...I believe in karma and what goes around comes around.  So, I think you should get out there and fill your life with things that make you happy and take care of you now.

Is there a hobby that you never took time to get into that interest you?   You can meet new friends that way.  Are there any cousins you have or distant relatives that you might want to get to know better that you could connect with now possibly?  I hope you feel better soon.        

[JaneF]

I went through a marriage like you described. My ex had numerous affairs, but I divorced him instead of tolerating that or the physical abuse any longer. I do understand what you are saying as far as your kids thinking their dad was okay for doing what he did and you are treated like trash. My ex was Disneyland dad, I was left to try to do consistent discipline, homework, medical issues (insurance, orthodontia, and bills) so I didn't have as much money for "the fun stuff" like trips and Worlds of Fun etc. I had to supply their NEEDS. I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling, and wish it could be different for you. You deserve to be happy, and if I were you I wouldn't accept the treatemtment from your kids if they do not treat you with respect. I am dealing with my kids being disrepectful to me again as well, and I refuse to allow them to "guilt me", so once again I had to put my foot down and stand straight and tall and say "NO". I posted just the other day about issues with them, and it helps me to do that. If I vent about it here where it is safe, and there is support from these great ladies, it makes me see that I am correct in my choice to not allow their abuse. Sometimes though we all just have to "let it out"! Glad you are here, and I wish you all the best with your situation. And yes, I think we are all pretty fond of our wise Luise!!! Take care of you.

[Faithlooksup]

I did my best to raise my kids, taught them to read, helped them through school, made sure they they stayed on the right track so that they were never in trouble and so on. Mean while their father was always busy with his career and his affairs. At 43, after my kids were gone, and after finding out he was having yet another affair I had an affair, and it tore the family apart. My kids did not speak to me for years and sided with their father. Now they are all close and spend weekends and Holidays together. I call and try to get close, but they don't seem to want anything to do with me. It seems so unfair that my X was allowed to have his affairs, but I was crucified. After giving 25 years of my life to my family I am treated like trash. I find it so hard to go on everyday, all I think about is how they are all together enjoying life while I feel frozen. It really would help to know that I am not the only one going through something like this.

Hi Kate!!  You are a great mom keep that in your heart.....Let them be where they are right now...there is a leaning experience in this for them right now...for as they go thru life they will learn that no one is perfect, we all fault and so will they......perhaps they are searching for something and when they find the truth--they will be back....

Do something wonderful for yourself...let them go....you come 1st now---Love whom you are..

Hugs, Faith

[holliberri]

Kate,

I definitely sided with my mom (and she was the one who had the affairs, not my dad)...at first. At 17, it was easy to see (since I was closer with her), the pain she had gone through. I couldn't acknowledge my dad's pain b/c I never had a "friendship" with him.

All I can say is, it took my growing up and viewing things from various perspectives to realize that I didn't need to be on a side at all. It had nothing to do with me. I'm so much closer with my dad now, and I realize that my mom had part of the blame too.

I have an aunt that says, "About that...I felt this way at 20,  then THIS way at 25, then another way at 30..."

I do think your kids will come around...and when it happens you'll be stronger than ever. My estrangement with my father had some very good long term benefits for us both. I can't get the time I missed with him back but I certainly can appreciate where we are today.

[Pen]

Holliberri, another great post. You bring so much wisdom & common sense to this site. Thanks for being here.

[Kate123]

Thank you all for your advice it is so helpful. I guess it is time to give up the dream of having a close family and find some hobbies for now. I don't know if my kids will come around they are pretty involved with my X and his large family, and they all have money to do things so it more fun for them. He is still the Disneyland Dad- impossible for me to compete with that. Makes me really wonder about this generation, I never gave up on my Mom even though there were times it would have been easier. However my Mom did not have a relationship with her parents later in her life so it is stange the way life goes.