"Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?

[mom2]

AnnieB,

Good post !! makes a lot of sense to me.

[Ihopeuknow]

I'm asking thing out of genuine curiosity rather than a mean spirit.  I've read alot of the forums here and the concensus is the same: The DIL is a powerful being, mean-spirited, hell-bent on causing havoc in her MILs word, she is a control-freak, she is all these things...all these DILs are all the same...

What about the MIL?  Are we to believe that all of this conflict between the MIL and DIL is because the DIL is all of the above and the MIL has been a saint?  What are the characteristics of the MIL that helps lead to the discord between the MIL and DIL?

I know my faults as a DIL.  I'm opinionated and straightforward, my husband and I live far away from my ILs and we don't see them as often, I find that my MIL is insincere and not genuine (note that I said I find).  I am NOT controlling (as she would say) but I do arrange my husband and I's social schedule (he doesn't care to), I am not mean but I do say what I think even if it's not the popular opinion, and I am not pulling my husband away from his family, but we do live closer to my family and spend more time with mine.

[Pen]

As a DIL as well as a MIL, I would never want to stereotype either group. In our case, our DIL took advantage of our love for our son. She was sweet and loving until she got what she wanted and suddenly let it be known that we are scum. She doesn't want to do things with us and that makes a relationship with our son difficult. Is there something we've said or done? No, she can't come up with anything specific that we can apologize for or change - she just hates us. Our son still wants to see us; in fact, he sticks up for us to his wife and her parents, which is very hard for him since they are together all the time (work, play, etc.)

Most of us on this site are just plain ol' moms who had put a lot of love and energy into raising sons who are now, for some reason, estranged. It breaks our hearts, and the DILs who think it won't happen to them are naive.

[Ihopeuknow]

Penstamen: I see a lot of the MILs say that on here "you DILs will see one day" as if it's some curse you place on us.  But the reason this board exists is because the MILs and the DILs that are in this situation feel that it is in some way unique and they are saddened by it.  Not all DILs and MILs fight.  Not all of them hate one another. So if some of us DILs choose to learn from this situation and choose to not put the expectations and "rules" that our MILs may have put on us on to our DILs then we might break the cycle.  It is not a destiny that MILs lose their sons to a DIL, it is something that happens due to circumstance, if it was destiny everyone would expect it and wouldn't be shocked that they're in this situation and we certainly wouldn't be wasting our time trying to "fix it"...we'd accept and understand that this is our lot in life. 

[just2baccepted]

You know, I just read AnnieB's comment and that made a lot of sense to me.

My MIL is very frugal, doesn't eat out much and never ever vacations.  Those three things seem to be the things she attacks me on the most.  I'm careful with money but I like to enjoy it some of the time.  I earn it and  we don't have kids and we're doing good financially right now.  But my MIL knows the my DH is very frugal like her so she tries to convince him that eating out and vacations are too expensive.  She doesn't swim so she tries to convince him that he might drown if he tries to snorkel with me. We take a vacation involving a plane and she's starts talking about the plane crashing and wishing we would stay closer to home.  She doesn't play tennis so she tries to convince its too hot that day for him to play.  My DH is 40! I think it bothers her a great deal that we do things that she would never do or doesn't approve of.

Thanks AnnieB for helping we realize that.  Now I realize that's another reason why she can't stand me, she thinks I'm changing her son into someone she doesn't approve of. MIL's own daughter told DH that both FIL and MIL are very controlling when it comes to her and her son as well.  He's doing things along with me MIL doesn't like.  Well I'm sure my mom has noticed habits that I've picked from my DH as well.  Does that mean I'm DH's robot as well?

[AnnieB]

I'm asking thing out of genuine curiosity rather than a mean spirit.  I've read alot of the forums here and the concensus is the same: The DIL is a powerful being, mean-spirited, hell-bent on causing havoc in her MILs word, she is a control-freak, she is all these things...all these DILs are all the same...

What about the MIL?  Are we to believe that all of this conflict between the MIL and DIL is because the DIL is all of the above and the MIL has been a saint?  What are the characteristics of the MIL that helps lead to the discord between the MIL and DIL?

I know my faults as a DIL.  I'm opinionated and straightforward, my husband and I live far away from my ILs and we don't see them as often, I find that my MIL is insincere and not genuine (note that I said I find).  I am NOT controlling (as she would say) but I do arrange my husband and I's social schedule (he doesn't care to), I am not mean but I do say what I think even if it's not the popular opinion, and I am not pulling my husband away from his family, but we do live closer to my family and spend more time with mine.

I think we are not talking about "DIL's" or "MIL's" here. 

When we start putting all people into categories, there's where the problems we already have start escalating.

You're not all DIL's, I'm not all MIL's.

All DIL's aren't one way, neither are all MIL's.

I have seen MIL's categorized as all powerful, controlling, bitchy, evil, etc. etc. just as you've seen what you've seen about DIL's -- to buy into that is just silly -- we are too smart to get into arguments and fights about that kind of stuff.

As to the 'curse' about DIL's understanding that day, I think that's putting a spin on what more likely is a comment or an observation related to common wisdom that none of us understand fully another person's situation until we've been in their shoes.  (and yes, there are some that say that after being hurt -- they hope their DIL suffers as they are -- I still don't think it's a curse, it's a wish for the DIL to understand and feel some regret).

The irony of life often is that some of us only fully grasp the pain we've caused another when we are in the situation of the person we hurt. 

[just2baccepted]

I forgot to make this analogy as well.

The saying "A daughter is daughter for life......."  Well I think the reason why that is, is because mothers and daughters do girly things together, like shopping, talking etc.  When my dad took me somewhere he took me to the hardware store or something that had to with hunting or woodworking.  Oh boy was that boring.  Dad and I never were that close.  I loved him, but just not that close.  But my mom is a total different story.  We're close.  We go out to eat, shop, go to museums, travel together once in awhile, and talk for an hour on the phone about everything.  95% of this doesn't involve my DH either.  He's not interested in hanging with the girls and that's totally fine with me.

Now when it comes to DH and his family.  He's closer to his dad.  When we've gone out to their house in the past DH will almost totally ignore his mom and talk cars etc. with his dad.  I think that sons just don't have much in common with their moms so thats why its easier for that relaltionship to dwindle, especially if their wife doesn't like his mom. What do you guys think? Am I right about that?

[Pen]

Whoa, no curse from me! Just the info I wish I'd had, since I never imagined being treated this way by anyone. With both my MILs I tried to find common ground. I treated each of them with respect and did not stand in the way of their relationships with their sons. One of them liked me, one didn't. I chose to use the example of the "good" MIL when my son married.

Our son has a "guy" thing with his dad, but he and I share other interests. He loves to get into long conversations about various topics that are important to the two of us. I'm the one he calls with news or to make dates (which he's had to cancel due to DIL objections.)

We miss our son. He misses us, but he wants to honor his marriage vows. Please have some compassion for us!

[Ihopeuknow]

Now when it comes to DH and his family.  He's closer to his dad.  When we've gone out to their house in the past DH will almost totally ignore his mom and talk cars etc. with his dad.  I think that sons just don't have much in common with their moms so thats why its easier for that relaltionship to dwindle, especially if their wife doesn't like his mom. What do you guys think? Am I right about that?

My husband said to me last night that he talked to his mom because he mom was the person that was always around when he was younger, if it had been his dad or his grandmother then he probaby would have talked to them a whole lot and bonded with them.  He said for alot of men mom is a great cook, someone to kiss a boo-boo better, someone to do their laundry, to be their suport, to praise them etc.  And when you find a wife and she does all of those things it's not that you don't need your mother anymore it's just that you don't need her in al of those realms.  He said he might need a Mom meal every now and then or a pat on the back but he's not missing anything only the unconditional love he used to have.  He doesn't have that unconditional love because she won't love the other half of him and he feels that if she can't bend for his other have she can't do it for him either.

I recently got my husband to start calling his dad every couple of weeks.  He wants nothing to do with his mom because he feels that she's manipulative and controlling...but atleast he'll have contact with his family.  Baby steps.  He feels he has more in common with his dad now.  And that Dad is easier to talk to.

I think the "daughter is a daughter for life" thing may have come from as far back as the bible...after all it says "A son will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife".

[AnnieB]

The son I've somewhat lost and I used to talk.  I am not a cook and not much for fixing boo boos after age 10 or 11 (sorry).     I was a single working woman since the 1970's, and was a vp in sales and marketing.  So, yes, I'm a girl, but we also have a  lot of similar interrests in the business world, politics, religion, economics, books, movies etc.    When the whole family gets together, we all have a good time talking.

That's what I miss.  I expect he's missing it too.   

But if he has to choose, he has a son he loves dearly and a wife he loves.  I'm just sad it has to be "either or" -- which is how it seems to be for now.  It was already greatly reduced since they are living abroad.   It's sad, but... not the end of the world anymore (as it felt at first).

[just2baccepted]

The son I've somewhat lost and I used to talk.  I am not a cook and not much for fixing boo boos after age 10 or 11 (sorry).     I was a single working woman since the 1970's, and was a vp in sales and marketing.  So, yes, I'm a girl, but we also have a  lot of similar interrests in the business world, politics, religion, economics, books, movies etc.    When the whole family gets together, we all have a good time talking.

That's what I miss.  I expect he's missing it too.   

But if he has to choose, he has a son he loves dearly and a wife he loves.  I'm just sad it has to be "either or" -- which is how it seems to be for now.  It was already greatly reduced since they are living abroad.   It's sad, but... not the end of the world anymore (as it felt at first).

I'm so sorry for you Annie, you seem like a nice person that would be fun to talk to.  And that's great that both have so much in common.  I guess the dynamics are just different in my family and DH's family.  I know when we were trying to get pregnant I was praying it would be girl because I wanted that same relationship that I have with my mom.

[Pen]

Thanks, AnnieB. Almost my exact situation. We're just asking for some compassion and recognition, and I feel that the DILs here are not understanding that.

[Ihopeuknow]

I am very understanding of those needs.  I'm not discounting them.  I just don't agree with everything being said about MILs or against DILs.  Understanding doesn't mean agreeing.

[2chickiebaby]

Please don't leave, Penstamen....we can say what we want to say here. 

[2chickiebaby]

Don't you dare leave, Anna!!!  I need you.  They are trying to help us, I just know it.  Stay.