Oldest Daughter hates me :'(

[Eva]

and must apologize Wolf...I don't want to give you bad advice, and I should not have commented, actually, b/c I've been thru this....so, Wolf, I would stick with that Pooh has said....
______________________________________-
Creme
but you gave Wolf excellent advise
#1-to read more about molestation, to learn more about that
as she need to deal with her own molestation

for sure her daughter is a victim here

[cest moi]

I usually just lurk but this kinda struck a cord.

I really think you and your daughter need a lot of counseling to help with this situation. Yeah hindsight is 20/20 but this is why you don't ask kids yes/no questions about that ie: Did your dad abuse you? because odds are the kid has already been conditioned by the abuser to say no. Asking open ended questions where you get the kid to explain what they meant is the way to go. 'can you show me on this dolly how your bum got hurt'  Nothing you can do about that but I think a lot of your pain comes from the guilt that you are pushing to the back and not really dealing with.

Also being abused would be a big reason why she's been antagonistic to you for years. It's entirely possible that she remembers you asking before and then not following through and she sees it as you abandoning her to a horrible fate while still having a good relationship with her abuser.   Especially when it's a parent that does the abusing the child is taught to think it's all their fault and they work so hard to then get that parents approval 'if I'm really good and make them love me this will stop'.
I know a gal whose father abused her for years and her mom was oblivious to the whole thing. When it all came out and he was found guilty her mom stayed married to her father, as that relationship was more important than the safety of her child. Now she's all boo-hooing because they weren't invited to the wedding and the daughter never visits and won't ever bring her kids around.  I also know there are people my husband hates because he told them what happened to him and they never did anything about it and left him in the horrible situation.

If she wasn't abused then she may see you as the sole reason her life got torn to shreds, which counseling will also help.

I think it might help if you have one last sit down with your daughter. Explain that people you trusted brought this to your attention and you took the info to others you trusted and you followed the advise you were given, and that if you could do it over again you would explore everything more en-depth to get a real and final answer. That if it's not true you are sorry for the pain it's caused her and that if it is true you're sorry for not doing more. And that you think it would be good for both of you to get your own counseling to deal with the aftermath either way.

If she denies emphatically that  it happened then tell her her treatment of you is uncalled for and you won't accept it.

Then get yourself into a counselor to get a handle on everything and it should also help with your pain. Because you may think by pushing it to the back of your mind you're helping yourself avoid pain but really it's just causing more health problems for you. Your body will find a away to deal with past issues like this and it's usually in ways you wouldn't think of, like a sore hip or tooth ache or a migraine etc.

Hopefully you and your daughter can both get the closure you need and if your therapist thinks its a good idea you might call and tell your ex you're sorry too and that you were just doing what you thought best to help your child, but I wouldn't expect to continue any sort of relationship with him.

[Pooh]

as you let her down when she was baby and when she was growing up
_______________________________________

Eva, I know you mean well but every situation is different.  I have a wonderful Mother.  She was always there for me (still is) and did everything right as a Mother.

But I too was molested by someone when I was young and for a couple of years.  She had no way of knowing, because I wasn't telling.  My molester was very smart, left no signs and was very careful.  And most molesters are excellent manipulators.  They figure out what works with their victims, and use it.

What happened to me was absolutely no reflection on my Mother.  I know there are Mother's who know about it and they do deserve someone's disdain, but every situation is unique and for now, I am taking Wolf at face value of her story, because anything else would be an assumption.



Creme,  You have every right to be emotional when a story such as this hits home.  I always try to take a step back and not put myself in the story, but it is very hard to at times.  I can with this situation, because I have resolved my issues with this, many years ago.  But if you will notice, I don't comment on the whole GP rights things any more, because I can't seperate my personal feelings on that one yet.  The couple of times I did comment on it, I was taking those very hard so I have stepped away from those for now.  Still strikes a nerve in me every time I see one.  And that is my fault, not the posters.  Everyone here has different perspectives, which makes us unique individuals, which makes this website great!  I wouldn't change it for the world.  Your stories help people who are in similar situations.

[Eva]

Pooh
I am taking Wolf at face value of her story too
but her
Quote
"I know find that I do not want anything to do with her. She has stopped by a couple of times since telling me what she had done. I feel totally uncomfortable while she is here. I don't want to even talk to her. "
------------
let me think differently
Wolf ex is married to different woman, have his life and
what Wolf daughter said to him could mean anything
his ex reaction was very bad
but to me Wolf reaction as her mother was worse
WHY would Wolf  be rejecting her own flesh and blood?

I would give anything if my son since Dec.23 stop couple of time
as Wolfe daughter did, confess and want relationship with her..
but Wolf would rather have relationship with her ex then with her daughters
Quote:
"And until she makes things "right" between me and her Dad, I choose to stay away from her. I cannot stand the thought of my ex husband going to the grave hating me for how our daughter twisted her words. And I say that it was done on purpose. And what if I outlive him? I cannot stand the thought of knowing that he went to his grave thinking that.
I cannot ever face him again. She has ruined our relationship. And my relationship with her is greatly damaged.
I don't know what to do about the situation. I don't know what to do about these bad feelings that I have towards her. And my bad feelings towards my middle daughter and son in law for not telling me months ago what she did."

[luise.volta]

Wolf, what say you? We need your continued input.

[cremebrulee]

ok, first, I want to thank you Pooh and Eva thanks for understanding...and the support I appreciate that...but I don't want to point fingers where they shouldn't be pointed...I've been accused of things I didn't do, I think we all have, and it's not fair to pre-judge, b/c none of us know...and again, Pooh, thank you so much for bringing me to that understanding...I'd feel real bad if I was wrong....

I'd like to bring out another point, that I thought of while reading this, and if someone else made this suggestion, then I apologize, as things do not stick...

One thing Wolf...if it is true, that your daughter was molested, and we don't know it is....but you must consider it both ways to start dealing with this yourself...in other words, do not get upset if someone seems harsh, they are really trying to help you, and don't take offense or feel guilty, please....you need to know, we all care....and want more then anything to help.

But if, your daughter was molested, do you know the most difficult thing for her to do, would be to admit it to you....I mean, I cannot imagine, myself, telling my mother that my father molested me....and he didn't but I can't imagine it....I'd be so embarrassed and so afraid that she would hate me forever...that she would be made at me more then him....b/c you know, when children are molested, this is what they think, even as they grow older, some cannot even admit it to themselves, let alone they're mothers....and you feel so confounded dirty, I just cannot explain the emotions involved...I mean, it literally changes your life forever....

So, you need to consider that...as well...she may never be able to tell you....

and as far as your ex...I would stay away...period, and not worry what he thinks, your daughter is your first and foremost priority, and if this molestation is true, and we don't know if it is, but if it is, she is dealing with misdirected anger, and that might be part of the reason she is treating you as she is....

Also, she must know how important he is to you and maybe that is why she made up that story, maybe it is a cry for your love an attention...yanno, maybe she has felt for a long time that you love him more then her?  People do strange things Wolf, and people deal with things differently, some make it thru theis, some do not...meaning, some can take more then others...and we need to group together and figure out a way to try and help the daughter, regardless of what happen, b/c a happy daughter makes a happy mom...however, what you need to do, is get yourself into counseling, and then hopefully, you'll be able to bring her in...but you've got to try, b/c you've got nothing to loose, and everything to loose if you do nothing, you both have to learn how to deal with each other....sometimes two women is one of the hardest relationships to make work....

Wolf, I have a very important question to ask you...IF it IS true, how would you feel, how would you react to it? 

Please come back and lets talk. about this....we need to hear from you....don't be afraid of us...we do want to help... b/c I know this has got to be very hard for you....

We care...and we're sending hugs....

[WolfBratt]

What everyone seems to keep forgetting is the fact that I myself was molested when I was a little girl. I remember the first time that I was made to do that. I know how a molested child feels. I never told anyone until I was 30. I remember how horrible my Mom felt. And how she blamed herself. I told her that it wasn't her fault! She asked me! And I said No.
Because 2 of my Molesters were my Babysitter's kids, I never, ever sent my first 2 girls to a babysitter because of my fear of them being molested. Thank God for my Mom. I had no choice with my youngest daughter. My Mom died. But the only one that I left her with was someone that I truly trusted and her Dad. (Not my ex Husband.)
And as I stated in an earlier post, I am backing away from her because time and time again she hurts me! Lying, disrespectful, trying to run my life. I don't trust her. Do I feel horrible for feeling this way about my own daughter? Yes! I feel that it is time for some tough love. A person will treat you badly only if you let them. Well I am beyond the breaking point. I don't get this kind of treatment from my other 2 daughters. Why should I allow my oldest daughter to keep getting away with it?
And as for demanding that she make things right between her Dad and I, I want to make her accountable for once. She keeps getting away with lying. And I am done with it!
And I just can't for the life of me understand how my ex can be tried and convicted on here with no proof!
I did not catch him in the act. I am pretty positive that I took her to the Doctor and he wasn't concerned. I went to get guidance from my Priest. I asked him. I asked her. They both said No. I continued to keep my eyes wide open. I went through the most agonizing mental anguish that I have ever experienced.
And I still don't understand where you get that I am "choosing" my ex over my daughter! What is there to "choose"? She is my daughter! When I said that my heart breaks for him and breaks for me? What if he's not guilty? None of you know for sure. How could you? I don't know for sure. It breaks for me because my Firstborn does everything in her power to hurt me! This breaks my heart! I want her to love me. I want her to be happy to be around me. I want her to quit stabbing me in the back. I want her to quit lying to me. This is not a normal Mother/Daughter relationship. And this is not the kind of relationship that I want with her. I want a loving relationship with her. I have one with my other 2!
And through some of these reply postings I feel that you some of you have been doing nothing but verbally attacking me and twisting what I am trying to convey. Some of you are twisting things to come out how you want it to sound like. Just read the earliest posts. If it continues, I am going to log off here as I do not need any more negativity in my life other than what I am already dealing with.
I am going to take an earlier poster's advice and suggest counseling with my daughter. That was kind of a "Duh moment for me. Why didn't I think of that?" I think that would do us a World of good. Thank you for suggesting it. 

[WolfBratt]

Something that I forgot to mention.....One poster wondered why he didn't call me right away. And that made me think, "Yea why didn't he call me?" That would have been my reaction.
I don't know....I am so torn about all of this. Is he guilty? Isn't he? If he is? Good riddance. If he isn't? Then yes, it saddens me that those allegations were made against him.
There is nothing that I can do until if in fact it happened, it comes out. Would I be there for my daughter if I find out that yes it happened? Yes.

[Eva]

Wolfe Bratt
I am sorry you took it wrong way
I was just showing some empathy for your daughter
as molestation of children is a very sensitive to me
please do not worry, from now on I would ignore your post and
I would stop  commenting your situation
I wish you well Eva

[luise.volta]

I think it's time to step back from this. Once we get to repeating our selves and apologizing, it feels to me like we have all had our say. It's a horror that has touched the lives of most of us in one way or another. I have modified the last post removing the bold print and the specific sexual descriptions. Sending love...