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Oldest Daughter hates me :'(

Started by WolfBratt, January 09, 2011, 10:29:55 pm

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WolfBratt

When my soon to be 30 year old daughter was 3 years old, my sister approached me and told me that she and our Mom thought that my husband was molesting her. Around that same time I had been concerned about her vaginal area being red all the time. And I had also "thought" that I overheard my daughter say to her dad something about playing with her butt. After my sister confirmed what I already suspected, I went into a tailspin of.... I don't even know how to describe it! Complete mental anguish. It was a flashback for me as I was molested by 4 different people when I was a little girl. I went to my Priest I was so desperate for answers as I didn't know what to do since I hadn't "seen it with my own eyes". My Priest told me that if I hadn't caught him red handed, that accusing him of molesting his own daughter was the worse thing that I could ever do. I went against his advice and asked my daughter and she said, "No". I asked my husband. He said, "No". What could I do? Other than what I did. I kept my eyes open and did notice that the redness came to a stop.
When my daughter was 14 her dad and I divorced. I thought that it was a good time to ask her one more time if it did indeed happen. She said, "No". I decided to let the matter drop.
My daughter has brought up the fact several times over the years. Upset with me for asking her such a thing. Now what kind of Mother would I have been had I not asked? I had 2 very influential people in my life tell me their thoughts. My Mother and my Sister.
My daughter has been very hateful towards me since her Dad's and my split. This past December 23,2010 she came to my house and sat at my table with me and told me that she had something to tell me. But that she didn't want to tell me because I would hate her. I finally got her to tell me what was going on.
She told me that way last April at my middle daughters 15th Birthday get together she and her Dad were talking and her Dad was talking about how his step daughter and her boyfriend were bad mouthing and telling lies about him and his wife. My daughter then went on to say, "Oh! Like how Mom told me that you molested me when I was a little girl?" I did not tell her nothing. I asked. What Mother wouldn't? My God!
She then went on to say that her Dad was furious! My middle daughters Birthday was ruined. Their Dad told both girls that he would no longer be anywhere that I am. Because he could not say what would happen. In other words it would not be good.
My ex husband and I had a pretty good relationship after the Divorce. We were friends. Every so often he would call just to say Hi. And he never forgot a special day. My daughter hated that we got along so well. She really resented it. I had been wondering why I hadn't heard from him for so long. I thought that maybe he was settled in life and people do drift apart. I was fine with that. But to find out that my own daughter would hate me so much to the extent of ruining a very important 38 year friendship that I had was devastating to me.
I feel betrayed. I feel like I have been stabbed repeatedly over and over again in the back. Nobody said anything to me about it for 8 solid months! Not my oldest daughter. Not my Son In Law. And not my middle daughter. I asked all of them, "What if I had run into your Dad and been all happy to see him not knowing that he had had all these months with this anger building inside? I asked you! I did not tell you that your Dad molested you! How do you think your Dad felt when you twisted your words? Why do you hate me so deeply?" My heart just broke for my ex husband. My heart just broke for me. I had just found out that I had lost someone that meant so much to me. I know. That probably makes no sense to you. That's ok...
I know find that I do not want anything to do with her. She has stopped by a couple of times since telling me what she had done. I feel totally uncomfortable while she is here. I don't want to even talk to her. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. But I can't help it.
I have come to the conclusion that you can't make someone love you. And until she makes things "right" between me and her Dad, I choose to stay away from her. I cannot stand the thought of my ex husband going to the grave hating me for how our daughter twisted her words. And I say that it was done on purpose. And what if I outlive him? I cannot stand the thought of knowing that he went to his grave thinking that.
I cannot ever face him again. She has ruined our relationship. And my relationship with her is greatly damaged.
I don't know what to do about the situation. I don't know what to do about these bad feelings that I have towards her. And my bad feelings towards my middle daughter and son in law for not telling me months ago what she did.
I am deeply troubled by this. I cry often. I have Chronic Fibermyalgia and 2 of my triggers are anxiety and upset. So I am in pain a lot. I am deeply Depressed.

Pen

WB, I'm so sorry you're in such anguish. Being a mom can be so painful. You need some support, which we can give, but you may also need a stronger shoulder with more resources than we can provide. Do you have access to some sort of counseling or a support group that you might feel comfortable with? Please know I'm concerned about you.

Since you can't undo the past and you can't do anything about your daughter's behavior, you have the time and energy to focus on yourself. Don't let your ex and your daughter define you - at the time, you wanted to protect your child and there is nothing wrong with that! You handled it the best you knew how; perhaps you'd do things differently now, so you've learned something about yourself and how to deal with such issues. Good!

Treat yourself kindly, even doing something as simple as getting your nails done or buying flowers; try to change your outlook (I know, easy to say) by reading posts here so you know that you're not alone and that there is progress and healing when you're ready. Baby steps!

Soon perhaps you'll feel like finding someplace that needs you, some community service project that will welcome you with open arms, or some other way to connect with positive, caring, grateful people. Who knows what will come of a stronger, more centered, healthier you?

Best wishes, keep us posted.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

I swear this is the worst "he said/she said" I have ever heard. You did your best and there is no way to change it even if it were your worst. How many times have we read about mothers who suspected such things and didn't ask when they should have? My own sister did that and her daughter ran away from home as soon as she could.

I know what it's like to stay connected to an "ex." We can love people we can't live with and visa versa." When we have a family "do,"  my "ex" and his wife are always invited. Those who believe in hate think it's weird. We don't.

What can you do that will move you toward inner healing? That's what's next. The past can eat up the present if you don't fight for yourself and then destroy your future. You are a precious, one-of-a kind soul and self-love is the foundation on which to build a better life. There is more to life than family entanglements. For each of us, that "more" may look different.

If you need a "new" family, we're here for you. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Faithlooksup

Hello WB,    and welcome.......Hmmmmm, after reading your post only a few matters came to my mind in question.....and please do understand all of this is said in the most respect....In my humble opinion if my daughter was 3 years old and her vaginal area was red i would have had taken her to the doctor and asked for his opinion immediately,  for he would of had known for certain.  I do realize that in doing this would be opening up a great big can of worms~~but protecting her is first and formost.  Of course she is going to tell you NO, Daddy is not doing anything to me--for they are frightened to say the truth.......also on the other hand I just cant imagine a 3 year old coming out with a statement as "playing with her but."  3 Year olds just dont come out with that for NO reason....for that may also have been a "red flag waving."   Needless to say, of course the husband is going to deny something like this, for he does know the outcome if caught...prison time.....

Perhaps, if possible you may consider speaking to a counselor or even a childrens pediatrician on this matter---for they have seen enough of this and know why children hide the truth.   I saw a movie on this not to long ago on LMN the daughter was all of 50 years old when she finally admitted to her Mother what the father was doing to her~~it was heartbreaking.

And now, with everyone not speaking to one another their is a good reason for that too.......

Just playing the devils advocate here, for it may and it  may not have happened.................
Best wishes always....Faith

Faithlooksup

Dear Friend,   OOps I did forget to mention on my last post....Please try not to despair...I know easier said than done..we all know that.    But, if possible, what was is now in the past, and we all have to let go of the past, we cant take it back...but we can start anew, with today as the present and tomorrow as the future.....

For myself, as long as i live in the past, memories begin to open and fester which causes pain, anxiety the whole 9 yards.   May I suggest a good book which does have some good insight~~it is called,  When Parents Hurt  by: Joshua Coleman.   See if this book helps in any way.

We are always here...sending Hugs across the miles...Faith

Eva

Wolf Bratt
you do realize that you are blaming the victim your daughter?
You should reach to your own flesh and blood, reach out to your daughter who might be (or not) molested,
talk to her, be there for her, do support her..

"...And until she makes things "right" between me and her Dad, I choose to stay away from her...."

here you use your daughter as a chip in bargain to get back man you did divorced long ago and that is so wrong..

Please LISTEN what your daughter is saying to you, do not blame on her b/c of divorce

Eva

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My Daughter Was Molested By Her Father
I am the mother of a molested child.  My daughter has come a long way and so have I.  It has been quite an eventful journey with many bumps and twists in the road.  We've lost so much, but gained so many wonderful things during the process.

My daughter began to disclose things little by little when she was 3 years old just after her father and I separated.  The breakup of our marriage was my idea.  I was tired of him not working and being inconsiderate.  He refused marriage counseling and any counseling on his own.  We had been apart for about two weeks when the story began to unfold.  Our daughter was still seeing her father every day.  He didn't work, so he would keep her during the day and I would pick her up on my way home.  One night, I went to tuck her in and she pulled down the covers. She was naked and said, "Lick my pee-pee Mommy". I was horrified inside, but remained calm. I asked if anyone had licked her there and innocently she stated that "Daddy licks me there and it tickles". She then jumped up to put on her panties and PJ's and told me goodnight.  I was in shock and couldn't bring myself to say anything.  She was still giggling when I turned off her bedroom light.

The following day,  I informed my husband about what our daughter had told me.  He claimed that they were playing like they were "pets" and he was a dog and licked her leg. I still thought that was odd and I couldn't imagine licking our daughter in even a playful manner.  He looked like he was being honest and he was a little strange so I told him not to do that again.

Then less than 6 months later she came home from his house walking funny. I thought she had hurt her back. Then I noticed blood in the potty. I took her to the ER and they found a red mark on my daughters rectum. The hospital contacted DFCS and the police indicating that it was a case of possible child molestation.  I was in total shock.  The social worker from the hospital had a laundry list of questions for me to answer and all I wanted to do was to hold my child.  They didn't allow me to see her until after the interview.  The social worker claimed I was "belligerent and overly distressed".  The staff at the hospital acted like I was the criminal when I spoke about the the situation when my daughter told me her father had licked her.  They couldn't believe I didn't file a police report after that.

Four days later I took her for a follow-up appointment with the advocacy center and they noted the mark on her rectum was now a bruise. My daughter was acting very strange at the hospital. She was terrified her father was going to see us. She kept trying to talk me into hiding under the chair with her. She insisted that i wear a jacket over my head and that we not sit next to the windows in the waiting area.  I asked for a private waiting room due to my daughters high level of anxiety and we were able to sit in a more enclosed location. Every time someone would walk past the room, she would jump thinking it was her father and I would reassure her that he did not know we were there. When we went into the examination room she made sure the door was locked.  She was very hesitant to show the nurse and doctors her vaginal area.  Then again I was asked a multitude of questions and was directed to cooperate with police and DFCS (Department of Family and Children Services).

On our way home, my daughter begged me not to tell her father where we went.  He was still living with his grandmother and didn't have a clue as to where we went.  I hadn't told anyone.  She claimed that he would kill us if she told.  I asked her what she "said" and she claimed that she told her daddy's secret.   When we turned into our neighborhood she began to scream "Don't go down our street. Our house is cracked up with fire because I told". I reassured her that we would be fine and our house would be fine. Each time we left home and returned this would happen for almost a year. It got increasingly worse the more she disclosed to the therapist. She thought black women had been burned by their fathers since they had told their daddy's secret!

One night my ex husband, her molester poured gasoline around our home.  The gas was old and smelled like bleach.  He was possibly scared off by a neighbor.  His sister had called to tell me he was distraught and was threatening to kill my daughter and I.  She had already contacted the police.  I saw two people in my front yard near the house so I contacted the police as well.  He was not there when the police arrived and therefore it was my word against his.  The officer noted the smell of gasoline and bleach around our home.  His sister filed a police report regarding the threats he made.

Later I learned through talking with my daughter and through therapy the threats to keep her silent were more traumatic than the sexual acts. He shot holes in a portrait of me and told our daughter that's what he'd do to mommy if she told their secret.  My daughter was horrified to hear everyday sounds like a toilet flushing, a car horn, a garage opening, a door closing.  She was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  He killed animals with his bare hands and shot them with a pistol in front of our daughter.  He burned her baby dolls and toys while she watched and said that is what would happen to her if she told.   My daughter felt sorry for African Americans because she thought they had been "hurt by their daddy's and told their secret".  She feared black people because of this.  She was terrified of police and thought they would take her to jail because she had told her daddy's secret.  My daughter was a mental mess for an extended period of time.  She was attending therapy twice a week for several months.  Then weekly therapy for several years.

The police investigation was a total nightmare.  The event occurred I assumed in the county in which he lived in.  The hospital reported it to the county in which I lived in.  The county I live in does not have a child friendly environment to conduct the child sexual abuse interviews.  The sheriff informed me that I would have to take my daughter to police headquarters for the interview.  I declined and explained I would be taking her to the other county since they have a dedicated facility with trained professionals to handle the situation. I also explained my daughters fear of law enforcement officers and her fear of blacks. I was then told I would be arrested for interfering with a police investigation.  Needless to say...I took my daughter for the interview at the county police department.

My daughter had to go in a room with a dark African American male that weighed at least 375 pounds for her interview.  The officer said that she didn't disclose anything.  I stated that I wasn't surprised, because I would be terrified too.  He was in uniform with the handcuffs showing and his pistol was located in the front of his belt.  He stated my daughter cried the entire time.  Again mentally my daughter had to suffer.  The same officer interviewed the father and noted on the record, "the father denies all allegations and claims he never touched the child inappropriately".  I'm not sure what allegations he was talking about since none had been made other than from the hospital which to me was concerning medical evidence.

Months later my daughter wanted to tell the police all about it.  Perhaps she had gained some empowerment through therapy and wanted to let it be known what her father had done.  So I contacted the police and they had me meet an officer in the local grocery store parking lot.  After the officer spoke with her a bit, he asked that we meet him down at the station.  My daughter was nervous again when we passed the jail and entered the police station.  During the interview my daughter disclosed that her father "hurt" her "with his stick and it was like skin and had hair".  The detective didn't think this was enough to go on.  Keep in mind my daughter is just 4 years old disclosing this type of info.

The police screwed up their investigation and the criminal case never went to trial. Most of my family thought since he wasn't prosecuted, it was a lie. The judge indicated my daughter was too young to testify. The judge indicated I managed to antagonize every individual involved in this case.  I held people accountable and attempted to let them know how things or situations would make my daughter feel.  I was doing my best to protect her mental well being.  She had already been through PURE HELL!  By the way...the father's lie detector test came out that he was somewhat deceptive.  His personality tests indicated that he is attracted to young girls and boys and thinks about sex more than the normal individual.

It was a really bad situation. The sick man didn't get to see his daughter for almost 2 years.  The initial reunification took place at a therapist office that was appointed by the court.  This therapist was told by the guardian ad litem (court appointed) that the mother was just upset over the divorce and was trying to "get back" at the father.  I was allowed to be in the initial reunification meeting and I had a recorder to tape the conversation.  Our daughter (5 years old at the time) confronted her father.  She stated, "You hurt me in my pee-pee with your stick and you need to say you are sorry."

Her father looked at her and said, "I'm sorry, (long pause) but I don't think I hurt you".  Our daughter said "yes.  you did." and then her father again denied the allegations.  The therapist stated, "We don't know what happened to you, but we need to move past this and forget about what ever it is that is bothering you".

My daughter looked at the lady with a sad face.  I spoke up and said, "No we don't need to forget about it.  We need to get to the root of the problem and move forward from there.  It isn't something that should be dismissed."

The therapist then informed me that it was her job to unite the child with the father as told by the guardian ad litem attorney.  The judge had ordered this therapist to see if the child had any behavioral or emotional concerns when reunited with her father.  It was obvious that the guardian ad litem didn't know what she was doing or she was trying to demolish the case on purpose.

The guardian ad litem had noted that I was a racist because my child was fearful of African Americans even though I had gone to great lengths to explain how her father had burned the baby dolls and our daughter thought African Americans had been burned by their fathers for telling "the secret".  The guardian ad litem was African American and during her interview with the child, the child was "uncomfortable".

During the case the court appointed therapist was called to testify and stated that the interaction between the child and father was "normal".  Never mentioned the allegations that were presented by the child.  My attorney questioned the therapist about this and the therapist denied that it happened.  Luckily I had the recorded conversation to prove the therapist has just perjured herself.

The judge ordered supervised visitation for almost two years.  The supervising agency was okay.  I wasn't thrilled with them allowing the father to interact with the child while they went outside or did household chores.  Initially the supervision took place at the supervisors home and then eventually they went to the father's grandmother's house where the father lived.  The visits increased in hours and frequency over the two years.  Now the father is allowed to see the child unsupervised. 

After almost $78,000 later the father is allowed the freedom to do as he pleases while the child has no rights.  It is like giving to lamb to the lion every other weekend from Friday night until Sunday night.  The judge stated that the child is young enough to get the proper treatment to overcome the abuse.  The judge did acknowledge the abuse and that the child in fact does suffer from PTSD.

My daughter attended therapy routinely up until the recent past.  I only take her to the newly court appointed therapist when there is a change in her behavior or concerning statements.  Recently my daughter asked me "if a truck ran over my brother, would it kill him".  I told her it depends where it runs over him and how big the truck is.  She then stated, "What if my dad's truck ran over him"!

Of course I was alarmed and took her to therapy.  The therapist informed me that these are "normal questions that an 8 year old asks".  I don't believe it for one minute.  This is not normal.  Still there is nothing I can do unless my daughter makes and outcry to someone other than me.  If her father used such horrifying terror tactic's in the past, there is no telling what he is threatening her with now that she is 8 and it isn't as easy to pull the wool over her eyes.  The therapist tells me that once a child has made an outcry and is put back in the same situation, she will be less likely to make a 2nd outcry for fear of having to see the abuser again.

It will be my responsibility to see that my daughter gets the proper therapy and that I pick up the broken pieces when all is said and done.  I have a lot riding on my shoulders and meanwhile the abuser walks free and denies anything ever happened.  He is the funny, kid friendly easy go lucky kind of guy that's why it is hard to imagine he'd be the type to molest children.  I do believe that the truth shall prevail but I hate that it may come at the sacrifice of another child or our daughter again.

My family still isn't talking to me.  They think that the allegations were false since he was never prosecuted.  I had an abusive family in the fact that my mother and step father were alcoholics and my real father was never a big part of my life due to his drug abuse.  Still I cannot understand my aunts and uncles taking my ex-husbands side.  I guess it is easier to believe that a mother would lie rather than to believe a father would hurt his own fleshing blood!

I know the truth and I will continue to support my daughter in anyway that I can.  Hopefully she will grow to be a happy and healthy person.  I can live with the fact that I believed my daughter and I have done and will do everything I can to protect her.

I am the mother of a molested Child.  It is difficult to imagine how I made it this far and am still able to have a successful career, a loving relationship with another man, and most importantly I have a happy daughter.

Faithlooksup

Hi again.....after reading your post again and agreeing with Eva's post another light has just dawned.......Perhaps your daughter twisted a few words to get a reaction from her father...and the reaction is running from the truth, so now all cords are severed.....

I feel what is important is your daughters welfare and not your X's.  And it is your job Mom to find the truth holding your daughters hand~~not rejecting her.  Perhaps, you and your daughter should seek counseling with this..only you and her..no one else......for the truth needs to be told and you need to know the truth.

cremebrulee

January 10, 2011, 10:41:01 am #8 Last Edit: January 10, 2011, 10:53:37 am by cremebrulee
Dear Wolfbratt

I'm very sorry your going thru this anguish...it's very difficult, but if I were you, I wouldn't feel as guilty as you do.  Here's why, I'm a victim of child abuse, from the time that I was 5 years old until about oh, 11 or 12....
If her bottom was red, I agree with Faith, that my first instinct would have been to take her immediately to a doctor, especially when my child would mention something to her dad about her butt...and then after the fact, the reddness clears up?????  That's a flag my friend....

I'm very sensitive to this issue, b/c I was a victim... and how these men lie, lie, lie.  It is a sickness that cannot be cured, and if your husband was indeed doing this, there were others....

What your daughter said was deliberate...and strange....maybe in her own way, she was calling your husband on it, to see what he would say, and/or, perhaps to, she is in denial and has convinced herself that it didn't really happen, that it was her imagination.  Perhaps she wanted to say, "Dad, did you sexually molest me, and thought perhaps if she worded the way she did, it would eliviate her of any guilt....you see, we as children believe, that we need to listen to our parents....no matter what, and we do....

I would suggest, you try and calm down right now and don't worry so much about your ex, but more so about your daughter...

Some people can remain friends with they're ex's, and I can sort of understand your embarrassment, but what if the molestation was real? 

You may never find out the answer, however, your daughter may be suffering, from misdirected anger...blaming you instead of him....and she might be afraid to bring it out in the open, b/c it's her father....

There are many many different perspectives here along with emotions, and you have to consider the "what ifs" because it sounds as if he did....

Stop feeling so guilty, and start reading up on child abuse and why children hide it from they're parents, if a parent is doing the abusing....

In my case, it was my uncle, he had 4 daughters he also abused, and my one cousin hasn't talked to her mother for many years....when we bought it out in the open, well, I was the first and oldest and I told, finally, but I cannot implement, the memory of how afraid I was to tell....how guilty I felt, and how utterly and completely alone I felt...

So, let me tell you, and I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I have no sympathy for your ex, if he wasn't guilty, then when he heard what he heard from your daughter, he would have come to you immediately and tried to get answers first hand....and discussed the issue with you....

These are my feelings on the subject, and I could be wrong...however, if it were me, I would not dismiss the fact that he did...but there will be nothing you can do to help your daughter until she is willing to admit it to you, to herself.

I'm just thinking she is more angry at you, then she is her dad, for doing the molesting....you have to remember things like that stick with us...and from a child's perspective, you can't understand, why an adult would hurt you like that, and you also feel to blame, like it's your fault...there are so many emotions tied to this, you can't imagine, and being married to him, I'm certain, you didn't want to believe this was happening, so mentally you shut it down, wanting to believe it wasn't true....so don't blame yourself, and by all means, do not feel embarrassed about your ex....if he's innocent, he will come and discuss it with you, and I would think, he would have done that immediately....I would, wouldn't you?

And let me tell you, I don't harbor any sympathy for child molesters, to me, that is one of the sickest things you can do to a child and people like that need to be locked up for good.  I faired the situation pretty well, but 2 of my girl cousins, did not, it ruined they're lives....child molestation changes a person's life forever...and it takes a whole lot of hard work to walk into the light....it never ceases to amaze me, how many save the animals you see on TV...and I love animals, however, you never see, anything on Child molestation....I've tried getting churches to make people more aware, I've posted in many forums, and no one wants to talk about it, they figure, if it didn't happen to them, well, it'll just go away if they ignore it...but the way I see it, all our children of the world, are just that, our children, and we have a responsibility to protect them as much as possible, and if it were up to me, if a man or woman, had 3 counts of child molestation, they would be put away for life.  Do you know that the average child molester, molests as many as 20 - 30 children?  It's true....

So, to me, taking advantage of an innocent child, like that, is disgusting...and I don't know why the people of this country do not do more to protect our children....

And, you were molested yourself, therefore, there is something in our minds, that are attracted to people we choose for lifetime mates, that are less then desirable, however, we don't realize it, plus it is ourselves, self persecuting, b/c we don't think we deserve any better....but it is all sublimital and I'm guessing, you did not receive much counseling for it?  Otherwise, you might have know this....I received a lot of counseling for it later on in life, b/c I read up on it, and researched how it can effect your life for the rest of your life, so I immediately went into counseling for it, for years...and it certainly was a Godsent.  As I said, I faired a lot better then my girl cousins who he also molested....

one more thing, your oldest daughter does not hate you, however, she is very mixed up and her behavior is wrong....and I'm wondering why?  But, she does not hate you....she may not even have thought about the repercussions of her words when she said that to her father, what I'm wondering is, why she said that, that is what you should be consentrating on, not being embarrassed in front of him...there was evidence...and maybe to, you thought you were over reacting b/c you were molested, again, there are a whole lot of reasons why we act the way we do, why we surpress things, so, try and understand, your daughter and her behavior.

I would suggest, you both get into counseling?

Sending a whole lot of hugs your way
Creme

Faithlooksup

YUP,  I do agree with Creme, she said it all.....I feel very, very bad for your daughter Wolfbrat, how she is suffering with this pain and torment within her soul.  And most likely she is afraid to tell you~~for will you believe her if she does?????

Please do not reject your daughter--she has not done anything wrong here, except hide the truth.

WolfBratt

I am so glad that I found this website! To find out that yes, there are really people out their who do care...
Faithlooks: The reason that I didn't mention taking her to the Doctor is because I cannot remember for the life of me if I did or not. I mean, it would sure seem like I would have. I can't imagine myself not! I think that I did and he thought nothing of it. I have tried my best to forget all of that bad horrible crap from my past. I have Chronic Fibermyalgia  and when I think of those things my pain intensifies. And now it is being brought up all over again. And for what? She says that it didn't happen! Why keep bringing it up after 27 years? I know part of the reason why because she told me! Because years ago he told her that there is 1 thing that he cannot forgive me for. Ever since then she has tried and tried to get him to tell her. He has refused. What it could be who knows? I could care less. There were so many things that he did to me that a normal person probably would never forgive someone for doing. But I did. I have so many painful memories of my 20 years with my ex husband. But these memories of the supposed molestation are the worse. Because to this day I wonder. And if it did happen, I stayed with him for 11 more years! Omg....
The reason that I was able to stay friendly with him was because the molestation was never proven. And because it wasn't proven I was able to put it to the back of my mind.
Eva: You are so way off base. You need to go back and reread what I wrote. There is in no way even an inclination of me blaming my daughter if the molestation did indeed accrue.
My daughter has hated me it seems like forever. But it intensified when I Divorced her Dad. And the one way to hurt me that she finally figured out after trying everything else, was to sabotage my relationship with her Dad. I have never understood this. Most kids try and get their parents back together. Not her! She treats me awful. Tells me to "pluck Off." Named her Mother In Law as her Mother on Facebook. Do you know how much that hurt me alone? I could go on and on with things that she has done to me just to hurt me. And I just don't understand the why of it!
Luise,Volta & Cremebrulee: Out of all the responses I got, I liked yours the best! No offense intended to the other responders please.
It was like you read my posting word for word and let my thinking sink into your thoughts! Amazing!
Cremebrulee: Your suggestion of Counciling is  an excellent idea.
Thank you all!  :'(

cremebrulee

Quote from: WolfBratt on January 10, 2011, 09:59:36 pm
I am so glad that I found this website! To find out that yes, there are really people out their who do care...
Faithlooks: The reason that I didn't mention taking her to the Doctor is because I cannot remember for the life of me if I did or not. I mean, it would sure seem like I would have. I can't imagine myself not! I think that I did and he thought nothing of it. I have tried my best to forget all of that bad horrible crap from my past. I have Chronic Fibermyalgia  and when I think of those things my pain intensifies. And now it is being brought up all over again. And for what? She says that it didn't happen! Why keep bringing it up after 27 years? I know part of the reason why because she told me! Because years ago he told her that there is 1 thing that he cannot forgive me for. Ever since then she has tried and tried to get him to tell her. He has refused. What it could be who knows? I could care less. There were so many things that he did to me that a normal person probably would never forgive someone for doing. But I did. I have so many painful memories of my 20 years with my ex husband. But these memories of the supposed molestation are the worse. Because to this day I wonder. And if it did happen, I stayed with him for 11 more years! Omg....
The reason that I was able to stay friendly with him was because the molestation was never proven. And because it wasn't proven I was able to put it to the back of my mind.
Eva: You are so way off base. You need to go back and reread what I wrote. There is in no way even an inclination of me blaming my daughter if the molestation did indeed accrue.
My daughter has hated me it seems like forever. But it intensified when I Divorced her Dad. And the one way to hurt me that she finally figured out after trying everything else, was to sabotage my relationship with her Dad. I have never understood this. Most kids try and get their parents back together. Not her! She treats me awful. Tells me to "pluck Off." Named her Mother In Law as her Mother on Facebook. Do you know how much that hurt me alone? I could go on and on with things that she has done to me just to hurt me. And I just don't understand the why of it!
Luise,Volta & Cremebrulee: Out of all the responses I got, I liked yours the best! No offense intended to the other responders please.
It was like you read my posting word for word and let my thinking sink into your thoughts! Amazing!
Cremebrulee: Your suggestion of Counciling is  an excellent idea.
Thank you all!  :'(


It sounds to me, like your ex disliked all women...and chances are, he was molested by his own father or a family member, molestation is a learned behavior/sickness...and only 1% of those who molest can be rehabilitated...
When I got older, around 16, I was still very angry for reasons I'm not going to go into....but there are many emotions connected with this, and I started researching on my own, and I read, that some children who are molested, do turn into molesters...I said some, not all....and that scared the bejesus out of me, b/c I wanted children in the worst way, so, I started counseling thru school, and continued until long after I was married....it helped a great deal, believe me....mainly with me, the anger still hovers, it's always a work in progress...I have a lot of patience when it comes to a lot of things, but if someone rubs me the wrong way, or is mean to me, I won't take it...I can't...I just seem to short circut, and I know some of that is from the MS...

I do so believe your Daughter has a whole lot of emotins and problems going on, and as I suggested before, she sounds very angry, and she needs to get this out, and discuss these things with a professional...and I believe you do to, b/c when you go thru something as you've gone thru, it is very necessary to seek counseling, so you don't carry around the burdons of guilt, and remouse, not to mention, the loss of innocence, anger, disgust, and loss of confidence b/c we blame ourselves....as much as you think your surpressing it, is is always there back in the memory of our minds....

big hugs and love
Creme

Pooh

Welcome Wolf and so sorry you are going through all of this.  You have received some very good advice here, but in reading through everything, I am going to play the opposite side of the coin.  In my job I deal with facts, not assumptions.  Even though there are many times the old saying, "Where there is smoke, there is fire", is true, there are also times where it's just fog.  So until you have proof, or your Ex or daughter were to come forward, it is just assumptions at this point.

If there was no molestation, then I am sure your Ex is very angry and upset that he has been accused of it.  I don't like to be accused of something I didn't do and would have a hard time being friendly to someone that did accuse me of that.  Now, I know you didn't accuse him of it, you asked.  But by your daughter lying and telling him that you said he did, he is feeling that you did say it.

You said in your last post that you and your daughter have been having issues for a long time.  Her rudeness and disrespect is obvious to you at this point, and is continuing.  All you can do is not give her the opportunity to treat you badly.  Set some boundaries with her to let her know this is not acceptable.  As long as you keep allowing it, she is going to continue. 

I do think counseling would be good for you to talk about your feelings with someone that is away from the situation.  At that moment in time, when you asked about the abuse when she was young, you were doing your best.  If we ask someone we love a question, and they give us one, then we want to believe them.  We have a hard time believing people that love us would do terrible things to us or lie to us.  You continued watching and the signs stopped, so why wouldn't you think that it probably never happened? 

If it did happen, then it is something your daughter will have to deal with.  You can support her, but she has to deal with it.  You need to deal with your anger, hurt, fear, guilt and helpless feeling before you will ever be able to support her.  As we say here, we have to heal ourselves first before we are of any use to anyone.  Sometimes we have to step away from the people we love in order to do that.

And Wolf, cut yourself some slack.  It does not matter what you did or didn't do.  You did not sit idly by and do nothing.  You dealt with it at the time and saw no indications to make you question it further.  I bet if you had one iota of proof back then, you would have done everything you could have to protect her.  If I had a dollar for every instance in my life that I could go back and do again, because years later I found out something different, I would be a very rich woman.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

Pooh, you've made some very good points....we don't know if he did or not....and I'd hate it to if someone accused me of something I didn't do....it's just the child abuse thing, that gets me all emotional...but your right, and I shouldn't write with the emotion, but be more biased when it comes to this....but it is very very serious if he did not...and until the daughter comes forward, no one knows but them...yanno?

I'm sorry, I change my thoughts to the way Pooh is thinking....

and must apologize Wolf...I don't want to give you bad advice, and I should not have commented, actually, b/c I've been thru this....so, Wolf, I would stick with that Pooh has said....


Eva

Quote:
"Eva: You are so way off base. You need to go back and reread what I wrote. There is in no way even an inclination of me blaming my daughter if the molestation did indeed accrue.
My daughter has hated me it seems like forever. But it intensified when I Divorced her Dad. And the one way to hurt me that she finally figured out after trying everything else, was to sabotage my relationship with her Dad. I have never understood this. Most kids try and get their parents back together. Not her! She treats me awful. Tells me to "pluck Off." Named her Mother In Law as her Mother on Facebook. Do you know how much that hurt me alone? I could go on and on with things that she has done to me just to hurt me. And I just don't understand the why of it!

Quote:
My daughter has been very hateful towards me since her Dad's and my split. This past December 23,2010 she came to my house and sat at my table with me and told me that she had something to tell me. But that she didn't want to tell me because I would hate her. I finally got her to tell me what was going on.
She told me that way last April at my middle daughters 15th Birthday get together she and her Dad were talking and her Dad was talking about how his step daughter and her boyfriend were bad mouthing and telling lies about him and his wife. My daughter then went on to say, "Oh! Like how Mom told me that you molested me when I was a little girl?" I did not tell her nothing. I asked. What Mother wouldn't? My God!
She then went on to say that her Dad was furious! My middle daughters Birthday was ruined. Their Dad told both girls that he would no longer be anywhere that I am. Because he could not say what would happen. In other words it would not be good.
My ex husband and I had a pretty good relationship after the Divorce. We were friends. Every so often he would call just to say Hi. And he never forgot a special day. My daughter hated that we got along so well. She really resented it. I had been wondering why I hadn't heard from him for so long. I thought that maybe he was settled in life and people do drift apart. I was fine with that. But to find out that my own daughter would hate me so much to the extent of ruining a very important 38 year friendship that I had was devastating to me.
I feel betrayed. I feel like I have been stabbed repeatedly over and over again in the back. Nobody said anything to me about it for 8 solid months! Not my oldest daughter. Not my Son In Law. And not my middle daughter. I asked all of them, "What if I had run into your Dad and been all happy to see him not knowing that he had had all these months with this anger building inside? I asked you! I did not tell you that your Dad molested you! How do you think your Dad felt when you twisted your words? Why do you hate me so deeply?"
My heart just broke for my ex husband.
My heart just broke for me.
I had just found out that I had lost someone that meant so much to me. I know. That probably makes no sense to you. That's ok...
I know find that I do not want anything to do with her. She has stopped by a couple of times since telling me what she had done. I feel totally uncomfortable while she is here. I don't want to even talk to her. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. But I can't help it.
_______________________________
Look lady,
it is not about you, as you are in denial.
Your sister and your mother approached you
b/c of their concern about molestation of your small girl

and  you heart broke for your ex??? and for you???

are you kidding me?
where is broken heart  for your daughter?

and after you did divorce him you stay a friend with her molester???
putting blame on victim=your daughter,  that she hate you?
could be her hate was just coping mechanism with painful situation?
should you not be there as her mother to PROTECT her from abuser?
to keep abuser away from your family and not to be a friend with molester?

and you do not know WHY she hate you so much?

maybe, just maybe
when your ex was talking about his step daughter
your daughter finally speak up to him, stood up to her abuser
meaning to SARCASTIC
ya dad everybody lies about you, same like my mom lied about molestation!
looking for answers and his reaction which put him completely overboard
as his reaction was of guilty part,
he let your daughters choose it is him or you!

so daughter choose you and what you do? Reject own daughter for him!

Quote
I know find that I do not want anything to do with her. She has stopped by a couple of times since telling me what she had done. I feel totally uncomfortable while she is here. I don't want to even talk to her. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. But I can't help it.

lady you do feel guilty b/c you do want to stay in denail
and you do not want to deal with your daughter pain

but it would be your lost not hers
as she is reaching out to you and you reject her
you are letting her down again..
as you let her down when she was baby and when she was growing up
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