Sometime I wonder

[neecee]

Respect is entitled to every living creature. It is a right. Sometimes the cultural mores of a society demand respect for a role, a title, such as rising for a Judge when they enter a room or even to a person just because they are vulnerable, such as elderly, disabled or other.

Respect is given by intention. One knows when it is received and given.  Hopefully, it is given with humility and kindness for all equally. Intention is how someone from another culture might know you respect them, even if you don't speak their language or know their culture.

Those who are older, here in this country, are also from another culture; a different time, with different mores, different world views (often from the depression years or raised by depression parents). Older people are often dismissed when they have not learned the changes in their new culture, such as how to communicate with an email or texting. When respect for aging and its' implied wisdom is ignored, there can be changes in the way that society functions. 

I interview hundreds of elderly and frail each year.  I would never impose myself over them or expect them to meet me point for point.  If I did, we would not be able to bridge the gap that leads to a relationship.  Relationship is the key word.

Additionally, we age the way we are young.  If we have lived in anger, cruelty or denial in our youth, or been harsh and critical or unreasonably selfish in our youth, most likely we will continue that behavior in our waning years.

I once had a patient who was quite elderly.  I had no reason to believe my patient was not a sweet kind old fellow.  I gave him a lot of space in our relationship to achieve a therapeutic connection. That was respect for his position in the world and his spirit.  I later learned this old man was a convicted sexual predator.  Did it change my relationship?  Yes.  I was more on alert.  Did I think less of him as a spiritual being...no.  I did my best to reach across the gulf that was between us, because he was my elder, he was a human being and he was vulnerable.
My mom would tell me, when she was in her 80's, that she did not have the same sense of power in her body as she did as a younger woman.  This was a woman who raised 10 children.  She was hearty. I could also feel her energy changing.  She would monitor the amount of stress she would allow in her life and we kids also monitored how much stress we sent her way...with family disputes, divorces and so on.  It left her too tired.  We respected her aging and her right to manage her life in the world.

When I read these blogs, I sense the vulnerability of the women. I can feel it in myself.  Did I feel it in my 30 - 40 -50's?  Not like this.  No.  I do not think my daughters feel this feeling yet either.  but they will and I will try to help my grandsons recognize it in their mothers and fathers too.  I will try to let them know there is a vulnerability that will demand a different kind of respect and gentleness.
This is common sense. What happened to common sense? 

[Pen]

Neecee, we were all in the car (DH & I in back, DS & DIL in front) waiting for an elderly man to cross the street and my DIL said scathingly, "I HATE old people!" I was shocked! DH just shook his head in disbelief. At least DS spoke up and asked her to be less hateful.

I don't know what was going on with DIL during those days but she's much nicer now. I can't forget her previous bad behavior, but I think I've forgiven her; she's still very young and is figuring out how to be part of our family without betraying her FOO. However, I'm still somewhat on guard until I feel completely safe around her.

As the mother of a DDD (dear disabled daughter) I am shocked at the disregard a lot of younger people have for that population, as you mentioned. When I hear things put down with the term  "retarded" I feel I need to educate, but I know it isn't always my place.

[luise.volta]

I hate old people? Does she think she is going to die young and not have to be one...or has she found the fountain of youth? That seems sad, to me, Pen. So terribly sad.

I, too, can forgive. But I never trust again once trust is broken. I start out trusting everyone...where it goes from there is up to them. Sending love...

[Pen]

It's sad to me too, Luise. I pray that my DS is a good influence on her rather than she being a poor one on him.

My dad always wanted to die before he got old, preferably doing something adventurous. It's really hard on him to be crippled and old. I have better role models, women who have aged very gracefully without fighting the natural progress of life. They've stayed happy & active in mind, body and spirit. I choose that way!

[luise.volta]

Yes. Val is doing it so beautifully. He's in a state of grace to my way of thinking. Everyone in nursing loves him.

[esme]

Thank you everyone, for all your voices. This is just my ho of what I have learned here and I feel it is because of all you wonderful women. Yes it is hard enough to get older on your own. Yes, this a.m. I awoke and I prayed for the victims in Tucson. Over the weekend my dh and I realized how lucky we are to be alive today. We just moved from Tucson AZ. We received the call from Mrs. Gabby Giffords..bc our phones still start with that area code, and we were both sorry we moved because we both said "oh darn why did we move I would go to that...look what happened. We could have been one of those victims. My point is not political, my point is this am, I was thankful, for healthy children and grandchildren, thankful that we were not there. So as I age, not letting my adult children's bad behavior bother me..I find I am more at peace. Something really happened to me...on my visit. Finding you wonderful women has made me realize its ok for me to disagree with my children. I have spend 31/2 decades trying to make them happy, begging them not to be mad at me, trying to please their girlfriends and wives..and now...well, all the love my heart can hold, I can honestly say..I am me...I have done for you all long enough....and whatever happens happens. Thank you all for helping me to get here.

[luise.volta]

Beautiful! Sending love...

[cremebrulee]

Hi Esme
I was raised the same way as you were, and now adays they call it abuse....I feel that there are times to spank and most times not....I think I spanked my son 3 times in his life...and the first time was sheer torture....I went in the other room and cried...and my husband came in and said, "Don't you dare let him see you!"  and I didn't....but my son was also a good kid.

Now for my foster parents, they never ever spanked us, unless absolutely necessary.  However all my dad had to do was look at us, and that was it....but times were different then, people were not nearly as busy, families were closer, b/c people didn't travel as much, we didn't have privy to as much news then...due to a lack of technolgy, people sat out on they're porches and stopped by to visit all the time, without calling, it was our way of life....

However, things are much different today, and we just have to accept it....

I'm not the kind of person who wants people to just stop by without calling first, b/c I don't keep a lot of food around, and when I'm off work, I need my quiet time...so, I for one can understand that...but that's just me....and I wouldn't stop by to visit anyone without calling them first and asking if it's ok...even when I phone someone, I usually try to ask, "is this a good time or were  you busy?"  and I am not once who can stay on the phone long....

so, we're all different and there is definately a generation gap....and things will never again be as they were when we were young....do you happen to remember your parents saying the same thing?  LOL

Good Grief, we're turning into our parents....LOL   

don't know if this helps or not....?

Creme

[esme]

wow..we are turning into them !!!!!!!!! OMG...

[1Glitterati]

Neecee, we were all in the car (DH & I in back, DS & DIL in front) waiting for an elderly man to cross the street and my DIL said scathingly, "I HATE old people!" I was shocked! DH just shook his head in disbelief. At least DS spoke up and asked her to be less hateful.

What is wrong with her?  (Rhetorical question, I know...but geez.)

[cremebrulee]

wow..we are turning into them !!!!!!!!! OMG...

LOL, yeah...we are....

hugs

[cremebrulee]

It's sad to me too, Luise. I pray that my DS is a good influence on her rather than she being a poor one on him.

My dad always wanted to die before he got old, preferably doing something adventurous. It's really hard on him to be crippled and old. I have better role models, women who have aged very gracefully without fighting the natural progress of life. They've stayed happy & active in mind, body and spirit. I choose that way!

Pen, I hope you don't mind me saying so, but Your DIL has a lot of pent up anger issues...I bet a lot of times, she's angry and she doesn't even know why?

What was her childhood like?

I agree with Glitter, Geeze is right!

[LaurieS]

Neecee, we were all in the car (DH & I in back, DS & DIL in front) waiting for an elderly man to cross the street and my DIL said scathingly, "I HATE old people!" I was shocked! DH just shook his head in disbelief. At least DS spoke up and asked her to be less hateful.

As a child I was never allowed to use the word 'hate', it's such a harsh negative word..Some people use it as easily as they use words like retarded and queer... each being painful in their own way. Is it possible that she never learned to choose her words more carefully? 

I cared for an elderly man for 10 years, and there were many things that I can honestly say I hated, he was not one of them but my gosh he did things that I had to walk away from.  I love children, but I could see myself saying something really negative if I were to be dining out and had to tolerate someones child running circles around my table.  It's funny.. the older I get the more patience I have for the elderly and less I have with youth

[luise.volta]

More and more, as I read this thread...I concur that her hate probably had nothing to do with the old man. Quite probably, it is just pure, unadulterated...non-specific hate.

[LaurieS]

Or like I said maybe not hate at all, just an inappropriate way to express herself at the moment.