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Hi everyone

Started by esme, January 05, 2011, 05:29:57 PM

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LaurieS

Esme.. you didn't walk in blind.. you were blindsided.  I hope your dog left a puddle somewhere.  The best thing is, your dh will probably put himself out there again in the future if you were to ask...I don't have to tell you.. good guys are hard to come by

Pen

Esme, it's too bad you had to go through this after trying to protect everyone by specifically asking about the sleeping arrangements. I don't know why people can't just be honest instead of promising something they cannot deliver. At least you know now and will insist on staying at the B & B next time! My SM (definitely not of the younger generation) does similar shenanigans when we go to visit. I know now to have hotel and car reservations in place before I leave home. She can be very pushy, promising the use of a car or other amenities and then leaving us high and dry. We would rather not count on her, even though it costs us a lot more $$$. Of course when she invites herself to our house we are much more hospitable. Funny, huh?

Holliberri, your comment about generational differences made me wonder why my DS & DIL have never invited DH & me to their house. They aren't shy about asking for help moving, but other than that we've only been to their place briefly a couple of times to pick up or drop off something for them (always at their request - we don't drop in.) It's so odd....I don't even feel comfortable asking to use the restroom after driving for two hours, let alone for a cup of coffee or a water bottle. DIL has never offered any refreshment, even after we've worked all day helping them move. DS at least offers occasionally. As you might have guessed, we no longer accept their kind invitations to help them move.

If it is generational, how did it come to be the norm? And do they expect us to help ourselves or just sit there uncomfortably? (Perhaps we're seen as the messenger service - in that case, where's my tip?) I'm so confused.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

Pen, it is difficult to fathom that your DIL cannot be more accomodating...it must be awful uncomfortable going to visit...
I had an idea while reading your post...and I don't know if this would work, however, when you go there, could you perhaps plan an outing near where they live, perhaps a show, or historical tour of somekind, call them, and tell them your going to be there for this or that, and invite them to dinner with you?  Tell them you would pick them up...then afterwards retire to a motel/B&B and make a weekend out of it, for you and hubby, a getaway...? 
Would that work? 

I don't know where they live, however, maybe there are some very interesting events going on there, and you could look into experiencing some of them?

and Pen, I'm not excusing your DIL's actions, regarding offering you coffee or something, however, I bet she wasn't raised to do so, otherwise she would...the more I read some stories in here, I'm surprised at how some DIL's don't seem to know how to be hospitable and a good hostess....? 

esme

Pen,
I am confused on this too..my youngest son's wife has many times invited us to there home. These two kids go out of their way to make us comfortable. Last time I went alone and I walked in to a huge air mattress in the living room with tons of blankets and pillows!! I slept there the first night w/ my GS. In the am I insisted she take it down, and I would gladly sleep on the sofa. All went very well..but I didn't want it in her way! I have cooked in their home and never a problem they love it. Now there have been times when we were there that I knew she was being push to her limit...and I have said to my dh..enough we should go, she's had enough and we graciously leave:) She has never been rude or mean..I just knew she is tired. Also my dh's son and his wife are soooo hospitable. So generational I am confused too!

LaurieS

Hey there Esme... at any point did you ask why you did not have the room that you were promised?  Who was in that room while you were not sleeping your night away on the fold out? See this is where my husband probably would have escalated the issue and continued to sleep naked.. yep that probably would have changed things

esme

LOL Laurie...your too funny. My younger son and his wife took that room with their two boys. My older son did give up his room for one night so I could sleep in there,,,but I slept in a youth bed with two other gc...all fo us were exhasted the next day!! That night though my dh was still stuck. Oh and did I mention they kept saying there was blankets in the ottomen. A crochet blanket with hugh holes a little girls comforter..and the dog blanket??? Yes u heard me right my dh slept with the dog blanket!! lol

LaurieS

Keep that man he is a saint. 

Pooh

And she didn't mean Saint Bernard   ;D
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

esme

I know he is....and someone metion that he would do it again if I asked. I'm sure he would but he would make sure we had sleeping arragements made B&B! I just don't think we will ever be invited back, I know in my sons eyes we acted badly :-[

cd1029

I would also suggest that you write yourself a letter about this visit and the next time you are invited read the letter.  it is easy to forget how things were last time, expecting that 'this' time they will be wonderful.

Awful situation.  Rude, ungracious, thoughtless ... they are young, entitled, and I wonder if they were putting you in your place for some reason or other ...

but regardless, you deserve better.

esme

cd...that's just the way I felt!!!! You hit the nail right on the head!!! Like they were the parents trying to teach me something I was missing, and I just decide NO I am NOT taking this :-\

Pen

Quote from: cremebrulee on January 07, 2011, 05:57:45 AM
Pen, it is difficult to fathom that your DIL cannot be more accomodating...it must be awful uncomfortable going to visit...
I had an idea while reading your post...and I don't know if this would work, however, when you go there, could you perhaps plan an outing near where they live, perhaps a show, or historical tour of somekind, call them, and tell them your going to be there for this or that, and invite them to dinner with you?  Tell them you would pick them up...then afterwards retire to a motel/B&B and make a weekend out of it, for you and hubby, a getaway...? 
Would that work? 

I don't know where they live, however, maybe there are some very interesting events going on there, and you could look into experiencing some of them?

and Pen, I'm not excusing your DIL's actions, regarding offering you coffee or something, however, I bet she wasn't raised to do so, otherwise she would...the more I read some stories in here, I'm surprised at how some DIL's don't seem to know how to be hospitable and a good hostess....?

Creme, we do that sometimes; they are keen to go out with us 'cos DH always picks up the bill for dinner or whatever :) But we don't get invited in for coffee after. Once I said, "We need to use the rr before we head back" & DS said OK, come in. DIL couldn't wait to get us out of there.

DIL's FOO loves to entertain & they're very hospitable to those they like. I think that's the point :(

On the positive side, DIL is behaving better towards me in my home. Perhaps one day she won't feel the need to be rude in hers.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Yes, upbringing is something that can stay with us. I love it when someone offers me a "cuppa" but when they drop in on me, I don't even think of it.  :-[
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Swiftly

I think I have a different take on this situation - it looks like there were several children visiting, plus 3 dogs, and 6 adults.  That would be very stressful to have that much company for several days- and I think the children's activity, toys, noise level, and everything else would be a hard thing to take care of as a hostess.  The DIL and son put the 2 families in the rooms, since the kids needed to be accommodated also.  So maybe esme didn't get the most comfortable bed - maybe her needs weren't the most important?  I actually feel sorry for DIL - she probably was hoping the kids would pick up their toys too, and threw the toy out of her own frustration.  Maybe - just maybe - we should look at the whole situation from the poor DIL's (and son's) eyes.  They probably don't want to have that much company for a long time - especially when MIL left in anger!