March 28, 2024, 05:18:38 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Ambivalence About Possible Visit

Started by justdontunderstand, October 28, 2010, 10:14:42 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Pooh

I am with you Barbie.  They have no children yet, but if they do...then I am like you.  I will wait for a break in the relationship, or wait on the GC to get older and have an opinion.  But at this point, when GC do come along, it is going to be something else for DIL to hold over me.  So they either learn now, learn later or never learn.  Their choice and you are right, their loss if they don't.

I will tell you, I wish DS would come visit without her!  I'm jealous.   ;D
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

I love it when Kirk comes over from Kauai for my birthday in March and stays a month. It's a retreat for him. Sandy's sister comes to see her and they do girl-stuff. It works for all of us!  ;D (They have a park model trailer just 7 miles down the road from me.)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

catchingup

Quote from: justdontunderstand on October 29, 2010, 01:47:21 PM
Dear Seafoam,
Thanks for sharing. It is so helpful to know someone "gets it". Sometimes I just feel like I have bad karma or something. What have I done that merits this pain? I blame myself for not being stronger...for not  being tough enough to "soldier on through it". Then I feel like I am just whining and need to get on with it. I can't win even with my self talk! :)

Dear Eva,
I have wondered what my DIL's part in this proposed visit is. Is this another test for me to fail? Am I missing a change of heart she might be having even though there is nothing actually being said to lead me to believe that?  Is this just my DS trying to hold on to us>

I am so off balance around DIL because I just don't know her well. What I do know about her is full of heartache. Thanks for responding to my reaching out.

Perhaps your first grandchild is on the way and they want to tell you personally.Imagine turning them away--allthree? I would let them visit
Lets face it you will always wonder how it would have turned out
It is a funny thing but if we push people to spend time with us it drives them away
You have sat back and withdrawn. Perhaps she realizes you are not the inteferring person she thought you were and has had a change of heart.
I would say risk it.You may find all will turn out well

cd1029

I don't know if this response is too late to matter, but if you aren't ready for a visit, you aren't ready for a visit.  And you can say that.  "this is not a good time for me, but I'm eager to see you another time."

When you are ready, you can invite them.  And if you don't want them staying with you, they can stay in a motel.  If they can't afford it, you can pay for it.  If they can afford it, you can make the reservations and say, I've reserved a room in xyz for you so we can all have our privacy.

You can only be abused if you put yourself in a position to be.  Don't do it.

justdontunderstand

HERE IS HOW IT TURNED OUT...

Well, we had the visit. It turned out really good. I nearly made myself sick with anxiety before it occurred (the price I usually pay for worrying too much). But, DIL came and was actually trying to be gregarious and work at getting along. DS seemed to want things to go well too.

My strategy was one of just taking it as it came...being myself but also remembering that my sense of humor is apparently something my DIL does not understand. So in that way, I held back my usual goofiness a bit. I also found moments for myself to de-stress when I needed too. There were a few times of discomfort when DIL said things that could have been interpreted as critical BUT I chose to ignore them.

All in all, it was a good restart....I hope! Hope is truly priceless in these situations.

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

Great news! I'm glad it worked out. Thanks for letting us know.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb