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I need help and I need it badly

Started by 2chickiebaby, October 21, 2009, 07:58:40 pm

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2chickiebaby

I got word today that distant DIL is coming for Thanksgiving and staying with friends and asked close DIL if they could stay there too.  They said they would come here for the meal only.

She said if they couldn't stay with them, they would get a hotel.

Close DIL asked her if there will be hurt feelings on our part that they are  not at least staying one night here. 

Distant DIL said, "it will have to be okay with them".

Of course, I am devastated. My husband doesn't want to have Thanksgiving at all because it's just "playing family" and the family doesn't exist. 

How can I get past this?  I feel so hopeless.  How much more can she do to us?  I don't want her here but I wish I'd been given the chance to be miserable about it while they were here. 

It would be like your child going to stay with her friends on a holiday and not you.  It would hurt you.   

just2baccepted

I'm so sorry.  I guess try to just enjoy the good parts of the holiday and ignore her. That's what I"m planning on doing.  My IL's dont even want me there so I'll sit at the table while they talk to DH like they alwasy do.

2chickiebaby

if I ignore her she will tell son that I just ignored her and he will be mad.  This is so sad. My husband doesn't want to have Thanksgiving but that leaves me in the worst condition.  If you only knew how much she's done to me.  I didn't deserve this, neither did my husband. 

just2baccepted

Maybe you could think of some alternatives to thanksgiving.  Like having everyone meet at a restaurant and eating there.  Maybe that will take some of the pressure off you.  And you won't feel like your slaving in the kitchen for nothing.  And something else, that's wrong for your son to get mad at you for ignoring DIL.  If DIL was being respectful to you then that would be wrong.  Your son shouldn't expect you to be the only one trying here.  Maybe you should even say that to him.  Unfortunately they are going to to do they want and you just must find a way to cope with.  Its not worth your health and mental well being.  I wish you could see that.  You'd feel so much better I'm sure.  :'(

2chickiebaby

I suggested that to close DIL and she said she would have it there.  I don't know what's wrong with our son.  He is not the son we raised.  She has ruined my life and he has let her.

mom2

Chickiebaby,

You poor thing :'(  I have been in that same situation many many times. I agree with J2B that maybe the eating out would be nice and you would feel more relaxed ( if you feel it has to be shared with them). My thinking on the holidays runs on the line of your husbands thinking ( why even have a holiday dinner if it is fake ?). I stopped doing anything at all for a few years but then decided that we were cheated because of her selfishness. I do fix dinner now but it is for those of us want to be a family and if my son gets mad, oh well !

Our DIL felt smothered if we talked to her ( or insulted ) and ignored if we didn't ! . We have our holiday now and they have theirs. I do love them and I do wish it was different but it's not . I do know that I am not going to open my home  to anyone who treats me that way. I got past the thought of making someone mad and that was pretty easy to do because all I had to do was think about how I have been treated.

If you cook the Holiday meal, do you invite them or do they assume they are coming ?

Kinzey

My question is why is she coming for the holiday if she is so resentful towards you? Is she doing it for her husband or is she doing it to be mean and spiteful? If she is coming to be mean then absolutly have the meal elsewhere and that way she won't be at your home causing trouble! At least it is just one day and not a long holiday! Will you get to see your grandchildren?

2chickiebaby

She's doing it because she wants me to feel bad.  Close DIL is cooking and we will help.  I've decided that I have to figure out some way to get around Christmas. 

It's hopeless, I am going to try not to give her power.  She would love to see me heartbroken.  I have got to stay strong, be strong and not let my weakness show.  It's the weak ones who get eaten in the jungle. 

2chickiebaby

She emailed about a month ago that they were coming.  Sent the email to close DIL and me.  Close DIL didn't answer for a long time.  (I don't know why)  I thought they were coming here.

All the time, she was hinting for close DIL to invite them to stay.  I see that now.  Finally, she asked close DIL if they could stay.  Course, she said, yes. She doesn't want her there but she's having them.

I'm hoping to get to a place where I don't care.  I would be so much better off.  I think I might be getting there.

2chickiebaby

This is so funny, Mom2...."she felt smothered if we talked to her and snubbed if we didn't"  EXACTLY!! 

Same story, 15th verse. 

mom2

Chickiebaby,

You may have to wake Prissy up !!!  ;)

2chickiebaby

I know...I feel like sometimes Prissy is really gone.  I need her, though

mom2

CB

I forgot to comment on the hotel part; I'm sure, that before Christmas,  you can find some hotel coupons and mail them to your DIL and son. Wouldn't they be :o

2chickiebaby

she told close DIL that if they couldn't stay with them, they would get a hotel.  There wasn't anything else close DIL could say.  Although when she told me about it, she said, "I hate to  have to tell you this!!"

luise.volta

There is always something else a person can say or do. They may not like the consequences but there are always choices.

To me, this violates the sanctity of the home and kills the concept of giving thanks. For what? People don't invite themselves...they are invited. And why would anyone who doesn't conduct herself in a decent way be invited? To use the holidays as a time to bash relatives seems insane to me. Why would anyone be brokenhearted that a consistently mean and nasty person wasn't coming to stay?

Is this whole thing anything grandchildren should be watching, participating in and using as a role model for adult behavior?

I'm serious. I would book a cruise and wish them all well. I would end the cruelty and the abuse and protect myself from the viscous drama. I simply wouldn't get into the "yes, buts"...that keep this mess boiling on the back of the stove all year 'round and that traditionally boils over on the holidays and I'd get on with my life.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama