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What to do now????

Started by Miss Understood, January 01, 2011, 05:20:29 pm

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luise.volta

We are at choice. We can focus on what's working in our lives or what isn't. If we try to unilaterally fix what isn't working...we need a time limit...or a pain limit...or something that says to us, "enough, already." Then, there is that part of our lives that is working...that's waiting for us. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Miss Understood

Hey Luise...I'll never forget something that you said to me once...I can't remember the exact words but it was something like, "focus on you and not what makes someone else happy...do what feels good to you." I may have the wording wrong. But in essence....that is what my motto is. I can't read DS's mind, I can't always make him happy and I surely cannot fix anything all by myself when someone else is involved. But....(I know you hate when I use this word) But...I can be in control of me. Therefor....If it feels right in my heart, I can do no more. If they can't accept it, that's their choice...if silence is what I get back, that is not my making. By my warm heartedness...I can sleep better at night and look at myself in the mirror. That is all I can do about them....Now, for me....I am learning to do a lot more!
Thanks for the once said wise comment to this poor soul who grows more and more each day and starts horrible arguments by accident here and comes across as a lost puppy who does all the wrong things.  :D

luise.volta

You don't start horrible arguments. No way! We all benefit when we look more closely at our own values. And you don't come across as a lost puppy who is doing everything wrong. You are a wonderful, sensitive, loving person with a lot to deal with and accept. My only concern is that you don't get hooked on self-pity and all of the justification that keeps that in place. When you use the word "deserve"...I am concerned. We raise kids, let go and don't deserve anything. The word reflects obligation. Adult kids have none. They get to do life however they do...and we get to participate if we do...or watch...if we don't. We have other pictures and hopes and dreams...and needs and we have to grow up, as they do. Does any of that make sense? Always sending love, MU...always!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Dear MU, I really enjoy your thoughts and opinions. Your warmth and caring come through in everything you post. {{{hugs}}}
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Eva


Well said Louise!
I do agree with this...
"You are a wonderful, sensitive, loving person with a lot to deal with and accept. My only concern is that you don't get hooked on self-pity and all of the justification that keeps that in place. When you use the word "deserve"...I am concerned. We raise kids, let go and don't deserve anything. The word reflects obligation. Adult kids have none. They get to do life however they do...and we get to participate if we do...or watch. if we don't. We have other pictures and hopes and dreams...and needs and we have to grow up, as they do. Does any of that make sense?"

Miss Understood
you are shining star on my way to inner peace.
your question -What to do now????
it was I was just looking for
and I know my answer to my son demands
I love my son and my 2 grand daughters ....BUT!
I would no be dancing to my DS wife tune,
I would not be a bank account to her 2 kids and
certainly I would not call her 2x a month as my son asked me to do
b/c it will be just gave her more ammunition against me
in those 14 months of silence I learn lot,
I grow, I listen pain and wisdom of others here
so I am letting my son go..

just on DS and girls birthdays or Easter and Christmas
I would contact DS, 5x a year it is not to much,
but I would not call his wife
as it was her who excluded me from their life.
Well as I was not invited to their wedding, I have no obligations to her..

MrsKitty

I wanted to say that I think Creme made some very thoughtful points in her post and I appreciate her thoughts and words whenever I read them. I also agree that often, when we don't get an answer to a call/email/test--the non answer is the answer.

Miss Understood

Luise...Thank you for your encouragement...O.K. Deserve is not what it sounds like. How about "I didn't do anything that puts me in the time out corner to never come out"  ;)
Courtney that was lovely. I am sorry about your daughter. I too had a very strained relationship with my mother and still do on occassions...more than not, but she is at the end of her life and we both are finally really trying to find peace with eachother.
My story is complicated and there is no rhyme or reason. I guess I have a hard time realizing that one day my DS is the family oriented, take care of mom and his sisters, laughing boy with a trust that goes deeper than anything.....to a......treat my mom, sister's, step father who raised me like they don't exist. It is a hard pill to swallow....especially when it is not warranted. When I say Deserve....I mean....I was a good entity in thier lives...so I thought. They always seemed happy when they were here...they lived with us for a while, I helped them financially, emotionally, babysitting, etc. My only comment when they had an issue or a problem was, "You two will figure it out...you will." I didn't interfere or at least I didn't think I did. How they could carry anger for something innocent that tore the entire family apart is beyond me and anyone else. Even my parents who are trying to keep the avenue open with him admitted that they are concerned with him because this is so not my DS.
I agree that I am stepping back. I am not calling about the gifts and yes...If he accepted gifts, he'd have to talk to me...he is not ready. O.k. I guess I thought for a moment he was my DS, the one I knew....But I realize that son doesn't exist anymore...he morphed and I didn't see it coming. So, sad for us mothers.

Quiet I will be ladies....till Valentines day and then...I'll send GD a little gift and card in the mail....no call. I just hate this!
Thanks for letting me get my verbal vomit out!

MrsKitty

Quote from: Miss Understood on January 03, 2011, 03:11:57 pm
I guess I have a hard time realizing that one day my DS is the family oriented, take care of mom and his sisters, laughing boy with a trust that goes deeper than anything.....to a......treat my mom, sister's, step father who raised me like they don't exist.

Hi MU.
I have hope that your situation with your son will improve eventually when he is ready to come and talk to you. I thought your final post was quite thoughtful and well put.

I just wanted to point out one thing that jumped out at me  while reading your post--the line that I underlined above. I may be reading to much into this (full disclosure: I am a former English major who was trained to catch the smallest hints of foreshadowing, symbolism and meaning in writing), but this line about "taking care of mom and sisters" raised a red flag for me. I have noticed that in some families the male child is expected to be a protector or caregiver to his female siblings and sometimes even his mother. In some men, this can cause great resentment as many are around the same age as the sisters when they are expected to take on more of a "fatherly" role (sometimes it is an emotional role--he must come to the "rescue" and "defense" of sisters and mom or give advice when they are having trouble and other times it may be a financial role--he must give part of his paycheck to mom or sisters--or both). I raise this because this was the role my own father and his brother were put in with their sisters and they both really resented it. My uncle bottled up his resentment and drank too much. My father largely cut off his sisters and mother. If this does not apply to your situation, perhaps it will provide insight for someone else on the board. Good luck.

Miss Understood

Oh, sorry...My DS is the middle child...older sister and 2 brothers and a younger sister. He was the one that used to tell the younger sister he would always protect her and would even screen the boys that liked her and with my oldest daughter...until he got married...he called her all the time and the two would plan and plot with eachother. So...no real reason I wrote that...he just did. Matter of fact, my DH had an accident and he was right there, "what can I do mom" I had cancer and he was right there, "what can I do mom". I miss him  :'(     I can' t help it....I can't change that!

Pen

MU, I understood what you meant. "Take care of" doesn't always mean "complete financial, physical and emotional support."

It's hard for some to believe it when we try to explain that our sons (& often our DILs) changed in a split second when they got married! It makes no sense, so we must have done something to cause it. I know there are those horrid MILs out there, my dad's mom was awful to my mother, but quite often we MILs have not done a thing to warrant a cut off or rudeness from DS & DIL. It hurts like the dickens to suddenly have that hole in our family.

In some cases the discrepancy between the time DIL's FOO gets and the time DS's FOO gets is what is most hurtful and confusing. We see our sons eagerly joining a new family with enthusiasm and we wonder why our DILs don't feel the same way about us. I'm proud that I raised a son who can be respectful to his ILs and can fit in happily with his wife's family, and I wonder why DIL wasn't raised to accept her ILs?

Most of us MILs have been, or still are, DILs ourselves so it's not a bizarre concept for us to give a new couple their space and privacy. We honor that! We totally get that our sons are grown men who want to break away from mom & dad. I wouldn't want it any other way (we don't have a basement, LOL!) Often though, the new couple's need for privacy only seems to be an issue when it comes to the DS's side of the family.

It's just a bit confusing for some of us to know that DIL's family is, as in my case, talking/texting constantly, vacationing together, working together, invited over for dinner, etc. etc. while we are lucky to see/talk to DS occasionally if at all (DS calls us when DIL is out of town on business.) My DS & DIL see DIL's FOO daily. DH & I have still not been invited to DS & DIL's house except to help them move 3X! It's very odd and quite painful at times.

WWU has helped me hang in there when the pity party threatens, and I've become more grateful for the small bits and pieces we get and less apt to compare our lot with DIL's FOO. I can't change them, just my reaction to them.

Unfair? Yes, very much so. End of the world? No, not anymore.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

MrsKitty

As I stated in my post--if this does not apply to MU's situation, perhaps it will provide insight for someone else on the board.

Miss Understood

Pen! Yes! YES! YYEESS!!!
My DS and DIL spent alot of time with us...almost too much, so I thought. Our family was fun and she didn't have a close nit one, so I thought. Now, they are eating there, going out, spending time...I get nothing. Like my DS forgot we exist! Yes, it hurts...it's strange.
Trying to stay positive...today was not one of those days. I hadn't had a sad day like this in so long. Bummer.

luise.volta

"I didn't do anything"...is the same thing...cause and effect. Your son is doing what he's doing. You don't get to vote. It's his life. Your process, disappointment, loss, hurt, anger...despair are about you and your job to fix.
That's the bad news but it's also the good news because you have a lot to say your recovery and healing. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Miss Understood

I must say Luise....I have been so depressed about this since yesterday. I felt a healing, like I will be o.k. for the past few weeks. Now that pain of overwhelming grief has creeped back up on me. Is this just a setback? I can't imagine carrying this pain for the rest of my life. How do you do it? How do you get up in the morning and feel o.k. about all of this?

luise.volta

You got thrown from your horse, MU. You were all set to do Christmas without DS and then I think that email unhinged you. I probably would have had the same experience. "Is he reaching out? Does this mean something? What should I do? Can I take their presents over?"

Actually it was too words and as it turned out, they didn't mean anything. Total strangers smile and say "Merry Christmas." You can't guess his "process" or "progress" and as hard as it is to face, it's none of your business. He is on his own and calling the shots. He has that right and you are determined to deny it.

I had a terrible time getting past my own experience with my eldest son and to the place where I could realize that there was a lot left in my life...and...that I was seriously hurting others who loved me with my self-absorption. Self-pity is deadly and damages everyone involved with the person experiencing it. I was completely focused on what wasn't there any more. That was what happened in my case. I didn't see myself as selfish, I saw myself as maligned and wronged and virtually destroyed wihtout cause.

We all experience and address it differently. I have inspirational CDs (www.krystagibson.ocm) that I use when I get stuck and can't seem to break out of a thought pattern. One is affirmations and the other is a soul star meditation. The focus that you choose...yes, you choose it...either does you in our heals you. Other people whether supportive or destructive are not in charge, you are. What they do or don't do can't make or break you...you run your own show.

From what you write...you seem to be saying (and I could be way off) that your happiness is in DS's hands and he is in charge of it. You express that you don't deserve his disdain and rejection...which translates that you have given your all and deserve better. As I have said before...you are an outsider in his process of maturing, becoming a responsible adult, parent and spouse. How you feel and what you want are of no consequence. You can't seem to get that. You don't like it...and some sons act differently (some of of them with moms who didn't do half the job you did)...so you clutter it up with logic. It's self-destructive, MU. Sending you more love than you can possibly imagine...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama