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What to do now????

Started by Miss Understood, January 01, 2011, 05:20:29 PM

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Eva

I think these are great positive steps.  Son called, Son is coming.

Pooh not so positive
Son coming alone, 2 granddaughters age 6 and 4 are not coming..

Pen

It sometimes comes down to one party submitting in order to keep the peace. If the bully chooses to accept the apology and start over, all's well. Even better, they will apologize for their misdeeds, too. If they take your apology as permission to continue bullying and never apologize for what they did, it might set a precedent for the dynamics of your relationship in the future. However, it might be worth it all if you can rebuild your relationship with your son. Lots to consider...

I'm sorry your son is coming alone, Eva, but at least DIL doesn't prevent him from seeing you. Take care.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Eva

Pen THANK you for feedback
that is exactly what was on my mind..

I did invite son's all family -him, 2 GDs, new wife and her 2 kids on January 2
personally for this celebration, son said he could come with girls for sure..

it was my husband 60 birthday, everybody called him since morning
wishing him well, talking, laughing and  promising to come Saturday
bring this on his Birthday day (what he did wrong 3 month ago)
is not positive at all, it was mean, not nice,
as it hurt my husband and make him very sad for our son

if son is coming alone, he could voice this after his dad celebration,
or send e-mail, or phone another day


MrsKitty

Quote from: Eva on January 14, 2011, 06:41:09 AM
yesterday was my husband 60.birthday, our son called wishing him well
but
son said that he would come alone for his celebration on Saturday b/c
his wife has some errands to do and also
his wife is very hurt by speech my husband made on their wedding day in October
that my husband better apology to her for this speech
b/c
all her family was just shaking their heads about this speech
and his wife was hurt b/c her name was not mentioned

well what my husband said was honest
(I was not there as I was not invited)
"I tried to talk to XX out of it but it seam to me this is what XX wanted so
I want to wish you both well."
wedding was in October and waiting 3 months to voice this
on my husband birthday was not nice..

but my husband pick up the phone and did apologized to son's wife for his speech,
inviting her personally for his celebration
this give me only stomach cramps and butterfly in my belly
boy do I wish it is Sunday and all is over..
My jaw literally dropped when I read this. I get the feeling that you believe this toast was fine--do you? I can't imagine my parents giving a toast like this at my wedding under any circumstances. Your husband has made a bad situation worse.

Pen

Perhaps DH was uncomfortable being there without his wife who was not invited to her own son's wedding?

I agree it wasn't the best toast ever, but the poor guy was dealing with his wife being excluded and probably wasn't thinking too clearly.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

LaurieS

Some people don't do well in the limelight.  I am the worse pubic speaker that ever existed and will often say the 'wrong' thing if I don't read from the notes.  He has made his apologies and if they were heartfelt what more can he do.  In the future he should turn down all request to lead the toast.

elsieshaye

"I tried to talk him out of it, but will support this if it makes him happy" is not a public speaking issue, and I really don't think there's a whole lot the ILs could say to me that would make me want to include them in my life after saying in public, in front of all my friends and family, that they disapproved of the marriage but would make the best of it in support of their son. 

He was honest, yes, but your DIL is also being honest when she says that she's angry and not inclined to interact with the two of you.  What other honest things is she concerned that your husband or you will say to her children when she's not there?  That may be key to understanding why only your son is coming to visit, not the grandchildren.

BTW:  My ex husband used to say really awful things to our son, like "your mother's crazy and she's trying to hurt you" - which were "honest" from his perspective because he couldn't understand how a sane woman would ever leave him, and he thought that divorce would hurt our son - but it completely devastated DS and led to years of problems and upset for him.  Just because something is "honest," does not make it appropriate, kind or useful to say.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

LaurieS

Quote from: elsieshaye on January 14, 2011, 09:10:20 AM
"I tried to talk him out of it, but will support this if it makes him happy"

The quote was actually, " "I tried to talk to XX out of it but it seam to me this is what XX wanted so".

I see this as an attempt at a joke gone south.  Even Lettermen has had a few that he's had to made amens for.  They either forgive and move on (always remembering not to let Dad do the toasting) or be straight up that it is not in your ability to understand his true intentions.  We don't really know what his intentions were, only the OP can clear up that matter.   But to torment, and decide that he needs a perpetual punishment only places them into the wrong.

holliberri

Is it possible the "it" he tried to talk XX out of was marriage itself? Maybe it had nothing to do with who he married but marriage at all? That joke could have gone either way in my opinion, and if said with appropriate follow ups, could wind up to be very sweet and heartfelt depending on the context of the rest of the speech. There are a lot of parents out there that think their kids are rushing marriage, but it has nothing to do with the kids themselves.

Also, if his apology was made, what else can you do? It is done, that is that, move on.

Eva

He was honest, yes, but your DIL is also being honest when she says that she's angry and not inclined to interact with the two of you.  What other honest things is she concerned that your husband or you will say to her children when she's not there?  That may be key to understanding why only your son is coming to visit, not the grandchildren.
--------------------------
elsieshaye
diL IS NOT HONEST dil IS GREEDY, MANIPULATIVE and unhappy person

DIL could voice this
when she divide  2 Christmas presents for our son's 2 girls
into 4 presents
so her 2 kids from previous marriage got something too
my God son's 2girls can not even eat apple pie in Mc Donald with us
b/c they have to bring  it home and share with their step siblings at home
so we both 2 more apple pies for them
for a dollar you can buy and apple pie

and why we gave only 2 presents this Christmas?
b/c past Christmas we gave 4 presents and
not a thank you note, not a word  at all..

you know we do not want contact with DIL 2 children
we are asking to see our son's 2chidren as DIL is not their mother
son have 50/50 custody with his ex

luise.volta

This is a hard one to sort out. Seems (after the fact, I know) like if you both weren't invited to the wedding that staying home would have been wiser for DH. You don't have to socialize with anyone, related or not, that you don't want to see but splitting couples up on either side will probably make things worse. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Scoop

Sorry but it is standard procedure that if there are 4 children in a household, then 4 gifts are given and 4 treats are given.  To give to some and not others is being mean to children.  And being mean to children will never, ever ingratiate you to their mother.

I think that DIL knows that you do not consider her (or her children) to be "family", and thus, she doesn't consider YOU to be "family".

I think if I were welcomed into a family by my FIL telling everyone that he tried to convince my DH not to marry me, I would not be willing to be very close to them either.

I'm not saying that your DIL hasn't made mistakes, because she's not here and the only person YOU can change is YOU.  So are you willing to listen and see where you have made some mistakes?

LaurieS

How does your ex-dil feel about you and time with the kids? 

I agree in part with Scoop.. you need to see everyone as a combined family, even if they are not 'your' family.  But the McDonald's pie is going over the top, unless... you were sending them home.. but to eat one at the restaurant and have to carry that burden for the remainder of the day won't help with this matter either.

Eva.. I can't help but to wonder, why would your son want to come for a visit at all if he did not want to see you on his wedding day?  Was there a change of heart, was he just an innocent victim at his own wedding.. I'm confused but and asking personal questions that you may not care to answer... either way it looks like this will remain sticky for some time to come.

Eva

Scoop thank you for advise
you missing a point that DIL is not girls mother

I just have a good talk with my friend,
she knows ours son for over 20 years,
she was at his first wedding,
she gave our son presents when his 2 girls were born,
she knows his ex well and she is in contact with her
she just gave son's ex present for her newborn son visiting her
and she would be at the celebration for my husband birthday

she told me forget about son,  as he is rude and wrong,
could you imagine call your dad on his birthday a do what our son did?
could you imagine do that to your own  father?

DIL want no contact and I would respect her wish

from now on
I would contact son's ex and start from there..
I already see girls through her last year once and she was very nice to us..
I would bring her welcome present for her newborn son and
in the future we gave present for birthday, Easter, Christmas to her..



MrsKitty

Quote from: Scoop on January 14, 2011, 09:58:44 AM
Sorry but it is standard procedure that if there are 4 children in a household, then 4 gifts are given and 4 treats are given.  To give to some and not others is being mean to children.  And being mean to children will never, ever ingratiate you to their mother.

I think that DIL knows that you do not consider her (or her children) to be "family", and thus, she doesn't consider YOU to be "family".

I think if I were welcomed into a family by my FIL telling everyone that he tried to convince my DH not to marry me, I would not be willing to be very close to them either.

I'm not saying that your DIL hasn't made mistakes, because she's not here and the only person YOU can change is YOU.  So are you willing to listen and see where you have made some mistakes?
I just wanted to say that Scoop's post is very smart and I second everything she has said.