What to do now????

[Miss Understood]

I am vowing to have a better day tomorrow!
Thanks all.

[jill]

I have been reading through these threads, and this particular one has drawn so many comments. I think because we all want to have normal loving relationships with our children, not smothering relationships, but normal adult relationships like we have with friends.  Not living in each others pockets or calling or texting every day but genuine caring and contacting each other because we love and care about them.

There are so many words of wisdom here, but like you MU, I would have felt he was reaching out. I did see my odd over Christmas and we were cordial to each other, however I do not know what the future will bring, and I have been depressed about it, I think it is the time of year, I was doing a lot better before Christmas, I guess I have taken some steps backwards too.

I plan to call my odd in about a month, just let her know I love her and am here for her.  The situation with my ydd is not that great either, she never calls unless she needs me to babysit. I sometimes wonder if I did not make contact, if I would ever hear from her. 

I do try to keep busy and not think about these problems, but other than you ladies on this site, everyone I know has a normal relationship with their children.

Luise, I hope I can reach the point you are at some day.  I am trying.

[luise.volta]

Good to hear from you...Jill. Hang in there. And please remember that I am really, really OLD!   

[LaurieS]

Actually it was too words and as it turned out, they didn't mean anything. Total strangers smile and say "Merry Christmas." You can't guess his "process" or "progress" and as hard as it is to face, it's none of your business. He is on his own and calling the shots. He has that right and you are determined to deny it.

MU,  as I sent to you in a pm, I have to say again that I think your son was taking a step towards you.  This wasn't a stranger on the street, this was your son who had cut off all contact without reason, and he was texting you a message.  I don't know if I feel that you are denying the fact that your son has the right to live his life, make his decisions and live with the outcome.  I do see a deep concern about your son's emotional wellbeing, usually changes come a little more slowly then what you've witnessed... to be the person you had always known one day and then never speaking to you the next when nothing traumatic had occurred is not normal.

I've said before that I view my relationship with my kids as important as breathing.  If one were to walk out of my life, then there would forever be a hole in my soul.  This is not saying that my ultimate happiness rest in the hands of my children, but it would be more challenging to stay balanced. 

Jill you said it well,

I have been reading through these threads, and this particular one has drawn so many comments. I think because we all want to have normal loving relationships with our children, not smothering relationships, but normal adult relationships like we have with friends.  Not living in each others pockets or calling or texting every day but genuine caring and contacting each other because we love and care about them.

and Jill you are absolutely right.  We don't have to turn our backs, walk away, or quit caring in order to let our kids live their lives.  All so many of us are looking to achieve is a normal loving relationship.

[Miss Understood]

I do believe my son reached out...just a little. I was grateful for the crumb, but it did set me back...hopeful turned sour. But...I will have faith, I reached back...nothing...I'm quiet and cry here. He's young, he has issues, he has pressure and he is seeing a therapist.
My road, like all of us...hard and long.
Sad and scary. All of us have views, insite and wanna help and hug us all.
I appreciate the support!!!
I will believe that this soon shall pass...one way or the other.
If as mother's we are to just accept that it's normal for this cruel behavior...we would have eaten our young while we still had the chance!

[LaurieS]

How many guys the age of 21 would have enough insight to seek the help of a therapist?  He is trying to put all the pieces together and struggling... he really does have a lot on his plate with a new wife, baby, career.  Be thankful that he is reaching out and realizing his limitations.

[Miss Understood]

I raised him to be a good, reliable, smart and self sufficient boy with a loving heart. He's overloaded and maybe because I was the closest to him...he feels he can! Maybe he just doesn't know how to make it right or face me...maybe he really is mad! I do not know. He must be honest with himself in order for him to make his changes...that is out of my control. I only hope that je has taken 1/1000 of the things I taught him and uses it and figures this out. I know in my heart that his Merry Christmas text was his way of letting me know I still exist to him. I should have left it at that and just said Thankyou, I love you ...and not added about the gifts. I couldn't accept gifts from someone that I beat up and left in the gutter for dead with eating a lot of crow. So...I'm an idiot and a hopeful fool
Tomorrow....I will think positive. Goodnight Ladies and thank you!

[luise.volta]

When we transpose two words...Merry Christmas  into "reaching out"...I think we set ourselves up with expectations regarding what that "means." Had that been the case your response would not have been ignored. (Please know that this is always subjective and just my take.) If it did mean something...the ball is still in his court and he will do what he does when he does it. No action is indicated unless sought. IMHO...and it may have scared him away. 

[Pen]

Like a skittish colt...sometimes I have to think of my DS that way. When I ache to talk to him, or can hardly stop my fingers from texting, I know I need to back off and wait because invariably my neediness will be evident & viewed negatively. If I wait until he approaches me there's usually has a better outcome. A couple of times when he contacted me I thought all was well and got too chatty...he shut down and we were back to square one. 

You're not an idiot, MU, or a fool. You're a loving mom who is hurting right now and trying to learn a new way of relating to a son who has changed from the boy you knew. It's  a frustrating process that can be filled with hurt, anger and sadness at times. Best wishes to you.

[Pooh]

Since being away from the computer for the holidays, I am still playing catch-up and behind.  Good to see you MU!  As I was reading through all the threads, there were two things that really stood out to me. 

1.  He text you Merry Christmas. - I see that as very positive and in my head, a good thing.  To me it said that he has not totally forgotten about you, although we feel like that most of the time, and that he wanted you to know that he had thought about you on that special day.  I think that is wonderful!  I see that as very positive for the future of your relationship.  You have already said that you handled it badly and should have just sent back "Thank You."  Yep.  We want so badly to see them and talk to them, that we mess up.  Ok.  So?  You figured it out and now you wait and you handle it better next time.

2.  Hearing that he is in therapy and that he loves you and is just not ready to talk yet.  I see this as extremely positive!  What guts it is taking for him to go to therapy.  He obviously has some issues he needs to work out and is seeking help.  Is the issue with you?  His wife?  His work?  Who knows, but to me if someone seeks therapy, then they WANT to work out their problems.  Again, I see that as very positive for your future with him.

I so agree with Pen about a skittish colt.  We have to treat them that way and just think of the contact as a positive.  Nothing more, nothing less.  You are a great person MU and you didn't start a horrible fight.  You needed to vent and in doing so, I see you went from venting, to "This is what I did wrong and this is what I am gonna do now."  Yay!  Isn't that what this is about?  We vent, we look for advice, we examine ourselves and work on it.  Yay US! 

[Miss Understood]

Pooh, Thank you and all the rest too.
I have grown....still sad, but a much smarter woman.
I am sure that by him being too young...the apron strings were still attached and DIL got the ax instead of the small sissors to cut them. Maybe it isn't all me and maybe there is much more. I know they were having adjustment problems and he was not happy at all with many things...that is why he blew up.
I just miss him and miss his voice...I miss hugging him and his smile. I miss him more than my GD. I had him for 20 years....I had her for a few months of visits.
I'll be o.k. I am quiet now...maybe next time he texts or if he calls...I'll be quiet and not push further.
Thanks again. all!

[Eva]

yesterday was my husband 60.birthday, our son called wishing him well
but
son said that he would come alone for his celebration on Saturday b/c
his wife has some errands to do and also
his wife is very hurt by speech my husband made on their wedding day in October
that my husband better apology to her for this speech
b/c
all her family was just shaking their heads about this speech
and his wife was hurt b/c her name was not mentioned

well what my husband said was honest
(I was not there as I was not invited)
"I tried to talk to XX out of it but it seam to me this is what XX wanted so
I want to wish you both well."
wedding was in October and waiting 3 months to voice this
on my husband birthday was not nice..

but my husband pick up the phone and did apologized to son's wife for his speech,
inviting her personally for his celebration
this give me only stomach cramps and butterfly in my belly
boy do I wish it is Sunday and all is over..

[Pooh]

I think these are great positive steps.  Son called, Son is coming.  FIL apologized and invited DIL.  All positive.  Now the ball is in her court to either accept it and come, showing she is trying and wanting to mend the relationship.

Hang in there Eva and think positive thoughts!  I truly hope all goes well.

[Pen]

well what my husband said was honest
(I was not there as I was not invited)

I'm just wondering if they've apologized to you yet for not inviting you to the wedding?

[Eva]

I'm just wondering if they've apologized to you yet for not inviting you to the wedding?

No.
It would be first time to see her after 14 months of non communication
if she come with son