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What to do now????

Started by Miss Understood, January 01, 2011, 05:20:29 PM

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Miss Understood

Creme, First off...let me say that I am not hurt by what you are saying and your point of view. Also, I am not typing angry or upset...I know sometimes text comes off that way.
I do however; need to clarify a few things. First off...if it was that easy, none of us would be here. I have learned a lot and maybe not all of what I have learned and where I have arrived to shows in my recent post. We don't really know what is in my DS's head and why he is doing what he is doing...we can assume only by other's experiences, etc. but that is assuming and you know what they say about assuming.
First off...I did not smother my son, we had a close family, loving relationship and my DS was a very big part in our family. He was very young when he got his girlfriend pregnant and married her...he was angry and had blow ups now and again. Once before he blew up out of anger and said some nasty cursing to me...he did apologize and felt awful about 2 weeks after and made me promise not to bring it up again because he was ashamed. I never did. The reason I am saying this is because he blew up at me because of something DIL said to him (possibly lies) he did awful hurtful things to our family...his sisters, step father and me, mostly me. Our situation may not be what you are assuming by their silence...it is a different issue. His silence isn't because I am interfering in his life smothering him...it is something different and if I had a crystal ball, I would not be here on this site. I don't know what he is thinking, feeling or anything because he is not talking. I do not bring up the situation, nor do I beg him. I have left him a message about once a month that simply states that I am thinking of them and miss them all. I have let him know our Thanksgiving plans and Yes, I did leave a message asking if it would be alright if I could stop by when it is good for them and bring gifts to GD. So...if that is wrong, I wouldn't know because he doesn't have the decency or courage to at least say anything.
My Husband had an issue like this with his oldest son who married a girl at 15 because she was pregnant and the girl was much older and when my DH voiced that he was unhappy about the situation...she decided he wasn't allowed to have a relationship with his father anymore or see the GC. Every once in a while, they would let him in...his DS was excited to see his father. One Christmas, DIL expected that we get them a car...we did not, but gave $$ and gifts...she cut us off again. This time my DH would not reach out and call...4 years passed and my DH was miserable. Now he has a good relationship with his son because he grew up and grew some courage to stand up to his wife. She is actually somewhat civil now. Point I am making is....my DH's Son told him that he was awful sad that DH did not try harder to contact him or fight for a relationship. If he had only showed up at his door, called more, let him know he was thinking about him...he would have felt more loved...she made him feel that his father didn't care because he wasn't trying to make contact once in a while. My point again is....WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS GOING THROUGH THEIR HEADS. So, as a mother....I cannot just go away like I don't exist and my DS doesn't exist. It may not be what he wants or why he is silent with me...it may not. It may be that he looks forward to the fact that I call him once in a while and that reinforces him that I still love him even though he is being an awful person. I don't know and unless he personally has told you that is why he is being silent...you don't either.
My thought is that he is ashamed and doesn't know how to make things right and if he comes back or sees me he is afraid that I will bring it up, see through him or make him look at himself. But then again....I really don't know.
So...in end...for a few months now, I have gone on with my life...I do go through days without crying about this and yes...I felt happy that I at least got the merry Christmas text. So, I reached out and asked if I could see his family...I am not crucifying myself over it. At least at the end of the day...I can say I was a good mom, I am not playing their game and I love with all my heart.
I am not contacting him for a while now. He knows I tried and I will sit back and see what happens. I have decided to keep the gifts in a box and if GD does come...I will give her them. If she doesn't and grows out of the gifts, they will go to charity. I have tried and that is all that I can do.
One more thing...I am not codependent on my DS to make me happy. I am naturally sad because this is NOT normal. I have lots of friends who have adult sons, my DH and my brother...I have relatives, friends, acquaintances' that all have adult sons and DIL's...they all have relationships and are not cut off. Most of them are smothering and demanding too...But, family is family. This situation that we are going through may be common...at the least, you know lots who are going through it from this site, but it is NOT normal behavior.
I don't have to defend myself and I am not coming back at a rebuttal with you. I appreciate your friendship and what you have to say...but not everyone's situation is the same and there is no one answer to this. My therapist, does help me cope with my loss...she doesn't tell me to do anything, she only encourages to do what makes ME happy and feel O.K. with my decisions and not try to do something because I am doing it for his reaction. I am loving towards my DS, DIL and GD because I do love them and I don't know how to be any other way.
I appreciate your input and just so you know....I put out my thought on what I was thinking of doing because I am allowed and sometimes it helps me to put it out there and see it for myself. Like talking to myself...until it becomes public and reality...I can look at it more objectively...that is what this site is for...to help us. To help us cope, figure out how to deal with it...If it were as easy as a text book theory...None of us would be here.

Eva

..."Do you want to cause your son and his wife that much grief and pain just to have your own way....there comes a time in life, when we have to stop being a mother in the way that we were mothers to our small children and acknowledge that it's now they're turn and they're life...

We have to come to a point in our lives, and realize, "Do we want to have our ways, at the expense of someone else's happiness, meaning our adult children?"  I don't, that is for certain, and that is why years ago, I cut my son and his wife out of my life, b/c I couldn't take it any longer, we were not listening to each other, and I was as much to blame as they were....it takes two...however, nothing was working, and I couldn't go on trying....it drove me literally up a wall....couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't function normally....do you want to continue to do this to your son?  To they're relationships....b/c if you continue, you might just be the cause for them to split up...do you want that hanging over your head for the rest of your life?

I didn't, I had to do something, because I didn't want to be responsible for that, why, if that would happen, my son would have blamed me, and our relationship would have deterorated to the point that we would no longer be mother and son.

MI, you've got to consider they're point of view....we all do, I'm not saying we're all here guilty of this, however, when there are problems like this surrounding our lives, we've got to learn to listen and respect the feelings of others....
and not simply continue to pursue our own way of life....if we don't MU, we are upsetting the natural course of the lives of others...we are over stepping boundaries and interferring way to much...to the point of hurting the lives of others...and if we refuse to view these options, and continue to blame others for what is happening instead of asking ourselves, "What part am I playing in this?"  then the hurt and pain will only continue, more and more...instead of resolveing the issue and bring peace to our own privet worlds.

So what I'm saying is, your not listening to what they're silent treatment is saying...they are begging you to understand they're point of view, and you are not listening...what your doing, is forcing your self on them....and it's killing them....so the only recourse they had was to discontinue contact with you, to have some peace in they're lives....

again, this is what your counslelor should be telling you...and helping  you understand this...it's so easy, and yet, we human's make life so hard, b/c we want, what we want, when we want it...at all costs, and in this instance, at the cost of your own happiness and your son's happiness..
_________________________________________________

Creme
Christmas is a time about giving, forgiving, respecting and honoring
family traditions, honoring grandparents, parents, cousins
and teaching small children what family is ..

when adult children forbid contact with grandparents,
refusing accept the gits for their children or
dictate what to give to them or to their children,
then something is wrong with that adult child.
Could be immaturity, could be fear of loosing control,
or hate in their hearts..
and only very selfish person would refuse gift to his child from any grandparents

in our case, our son was very hurt by divorce,
he get involved with a divorced woman with 2 kids, both for wrong reasons
-he was looking for a new mother to his 2 daughter,
-she was looking to move away from her parents home
to move to her own place and have a child
as he biological clock was ticking tick tack
since day one I know her she wanted a child-
THANKS GOD she is not pregnant yet

we learned yesterday that little one (youngest of 4)
was crying in September every other day b/c she had school only 3X a week
and she wanted to be in school with her older sister
(probably not to be home with her stepmother as she was not crying
in her mom house)
she even refused first day of school, to be driven to school by her stepmother
and stepbrother and stepsister,
but took the bus to school with her older sister, so his wife put both girls on the school bus and drove her kids to school by car
and when was that first snow, both girls played outside in the garden
in the snow from 10 in the morning to 4 in the afternoon,
not once coming to the house for a snack, lunch or drink,
just played outside nicely refusing all day to come into the house
when DS call then in

yesterday when our DS said time to go- last two slides,
the youngest one who was all that time on smaller slide, telling me-
"grandma I am to liitle for big slide..
but two last slide she bravely took it from the top, from the tallest slide ,
taking extra another 30  minutes to climb up

it is a crime again this small children to be denied of grandparents love,
denied of gifts to them and special time share at Christmas time

Miss Understood as a loving grandmother did her best she could



Pen

One of the warning signs of abuse is when one party cuts the ties of the other party to their family and friends. DS may back up DIL & insist that he perpetrated the cut off or whatever, but that's not uncommon in abuse/hostage cases (Stockholm syndrome?)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

No Pen, that is not always the case...cutting off people is not always a sign of abuse, but the other way around...there are two sides to every coin...and due to the fact that I've been on both side, I'm able to see this...nothing is cut and dry depending on the situation, and yes, all our situations are different, all our experiences are different....I'm just trying very hard, and as kindly as I can, to get us all to take a look at that other side of the coin....what I say may not apply to everyone or anyone...however, I must offer up my feelings and opinions...

Pen, we are all here for a reason....some want answers...some only want validations that they are right, and it's ok to think and feel as they do...and others sincerely want answers, and to look at every possible aspect of the situation.  Some just want to vent, and others just want a sounding board...

But we are not all going to agree on situations....and I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just offering up some advice from my point of view.

When my son and DIL and I were not getting along, I did the very same thing, I so wanted peace and to resolve my problem, however, if someone did not agree with me, I took it as a personal attack...like they were saying I was wrong...I could only see my DIL and son, in the ideas I had made up in my own mind about them....but, long story short, I was wrong to, and I made mistakes, and it wasn't until I was ready to admit that to myself, that things got better....and worked themselves out.

If someone cuts another person off, it could be a sign of abuse, however, it could also mean, that I still care about that person, however, that person is interferring so much in my life, it's upsetting me, causing me distress, and there is no other alternative then to cut them out of my life right now to give myself some peace and I've seen us all read other posts that we simply advised them to back off and cut them out of our lives for a while....to rethink the situation....once a situation reaches a point of heated arguments, no one is going to listen, then it's time to take a break.

I'm not saying these things b/c I want to hurt anyones feelings, however, if one keeps looking at one's situation only from they're point of view, it's never ever going to correct itself...

Some adult kids cut off they're parents, b/c they don't have the heart to tell they're parents what is causing the problem, or they anticipate if they would, they're parents would not listen anyway, so what's the point...?   

I'm not saying this is fair, right or wrong, what I'm saying is, if we want to make things better with our kids, we've got to back off of them and rethink what isn't working and try something that is. 

Many have posted how when they backed off of they're kids, the kids came back out of sheer curiosity...and that is when the ball is in our court, that is when there is a chance, but if we start our old ways all over again, they are going to back off again,  and this time stay away longer.

Pen, I had myself convinced, my DIL was narcissistic, selfish, it was all her fault, she was causing the estrangement between my son and self, etc.  She was not, this was his decission as an adult child....mom was getting in the way, mom was causing problems....I didn't mean to and things I did and said were out of hurt, frustration and anger, and truly beliving that my DIL wanted me out of they're lives....she didn't, but what she didn't want in her life was my problems, she didn't want to feel so nervous that she was going to do or say something wrong, the moment we were together, and I felt the same way...it got blown way way way out of porportion....and escalated into something that was so sad, so hurtful, so despairing and yet, so confounded silly and un necessary.

In every situation someone's gotta give more then the other...that is a proven fact...and while I do agree, some cut offs are abuse, there are others that are crying out that there is no other alternative.  And maybe, just maybe some of our son's wives couldn't take it anymore, so they said, "if you don't cut your mother out of our lives, I'm going to leave you!"  Is it fair, no, is it right, no, it's very sad that people can't sit down and talk things out and accept they're ownership if a DIL says, I don't want things to be this way or that, then why not just do what she says instead of telling her she's wrong, we were not raised like that, etc.   Our son's have to live with them, so why not try and make things easier on them.  Everytime we fight them, what happens is, they end of fighting terrible and it ruins they're closeness and relationship....

When I was having that problem my son would try so hard to show me and my DIL both sides of the coin, we were both to hurt, selfish and frustrated to see, that he was trying to help...what we saw and only acknowledged was, he was taking her side against me, or she saw he was taking my side against her, and he wasn't and I'm not doing that here either, however, if I give a point of view some of you take it like that....

yes, I could very well be wrong, but what do we have to loose by trying it another way instead of insisting there is no ownership here on our parts...?  And I dont' mean this for everyone here for you or for MU, or EVA, however, when someone doesn't agree with what we've posted and posts they're opinons and it is from another point of view, instead of taking it that way, all of a sudden, we feel like we've got to jump back in and say, I'm not this and I'm not that, or I didn't do this or that....

I never said MU wasn't a good mother, or not trying the best she can, what I'm saying is, her son asked her not to text him, send gifts, cards, etc...and I'm taking this from very early posts....however, if you asked someone not to do that to you, and they did it anyway, what would that make you think?  How would that make you feel...it would make you back off all the more...

Our adult children are just that, adults, it is no longer our business who they marry, if we agree or disagree with how they live they're lives....we raised them sent them out into the world, and they're going to make mistakes, however, if they do, and we point it out to them, they are going to back off of us...if we contradict they're wishes and do something with they're kids that we were asked not to do, they are going to keep them from seeing us...so, we've got two choices the way I see it...we can fight them and loose them or comply to they're wishes and not take it so darn personal...if we want a relationship with our kids, someone's gotta give in...

You see, it's not just about our son's any more, it's now about another human being who he vowed to honor and love and be loyal to.  It is no longer about our traditions or how we raisded our sons, what it's about is, if we unfortunately make our DIL's uncomfortable, they are not going to want to be around us, and our son's will go where they're wives wish to be...and they don't give a hoot about our traditions...our traditions are not they're traditions....it's a generation gap, and them wanting to start they're own traditions....

I'm sorry if my words seem harsh, they are not meant that way....I wouldn't take the time to post, if I were trying to hurt someone, what I'm trying to do, is post my own thoughts and feelings on the subject, b/c it was asked, "What do you think?"

I'm sorry I can't always say, oh, that's too bad or they're awful people, I would be lieing if I did....and I can't do that....when I was going thru this, I felt to, that people were ganging up on me if they didn't agree with me, but much more, they were taking a big chance in telling me how they viewed it and to this day, I'm so thankful I woke up and listened to them...or tried to look at it in another way.

What defines us is not how successful we are, but how we react to bad situations....

but if we cannot view both sides of this, then we are only kidding ourselves and there is no hope for reconciliation.....


I apologize for anyone's feelings I might hurt in my honesty, like I said, I may be wrong, however, what does it hurt to try another perspective or at least to consider it...just b/c someone disagrees with you, doesn't mean your wrong....it means, there is another way of maybe looking at a situation....

If we refuse to be open minded and look at things from a different point of view, we are never going to learn to deal with people who do have different points of view...we will continually rally around someone who is going to say, "oh, your right, and it's awful that your being treated this way", and the situation will never get better....

Again, this is written in the only way I can write, with much love and concern for everyone....in hopes that situations will be resolved....

I can't tell you how many have come back here and written, I backed off and my son and DIL have contacted me....well, that's great, but it doesn't stop there, if we continue to persist that it's got to be our way and refuse to give them space, respect, they will back off again....

When our son's marry, life as we mothers knew it is never going to be the same way again...you've got another woman in his life now, who wants and needs his attention....and if we fight that, we as mothers are doomed.


with all my love
Creme





Miss Understood

Creme...relax. You opinion does matter and is well taken.
One thing I must clarify...my DS never told me not to call, text or anything...I got screamed at and nothing said to me since. If he told me not to call, text or talk to him again...I'd have an answer to the mystery.

I believe all of us have similiar but very different situations and it is good for us to share. When I was fresh in the beginning...I was so fragile and needed validation and told that I was wronged. I don't need that now. I know and believe in myself more and still question if I am doing the right thing. I am human. I do look at his side or the other side but I can only assume what the other side is because he doesn't speak. If I knew...I wouldn't be here.

It does help me to post my thoughts of what to do or what is going on because hearing everyone's feedback even if I agree or disagree helps me to reason out in my own head and heart what I need to.

Keep your love and posts going....even if we all don't always agree with you. They are heard and appreciated and yes...many times...I totally agree with you, that is true.

Update on my situation since this a.m.
My parents just called me and saw my DS yesterday. He made communication with them. He said he was seeing a counselor and the counselor said he isn't ready to talk to me yet. They said he wants to...he is just not ready emotionally.
Again...I think he feels ashamed of his behavior and fears I will be angry or upset and he won't be able to deal with it. Little does he know that I would relish in the fact of him being upset or angry to my face vs the silent treatment. I guess...again...I wait. My mom said that she feels he misses me and is coming by to see them as a way of letting me know how he is doing and that he doesn't want to cut off ties with me. I am not sure of that...but I guess I will have to wait.
He knows I love him....(according to my mom, apparently he said that) Therefore....I am glad I let him know that every now and again. He doesn't have to guess.

PEN: Also, that Stockholm thing....I've seen it before and yes....the abuser doesn't necessarily have to be a physical abuser...but a mental abuser. When a person feels bad about themselves...they make their partner feel bad about themselves and are sly in convincing them that is another person and not themselves...Do you get that?

cremebrulee

Have you noticed of late, for the past few months we've lost a lot of DIL's in here?  I've had them write me and tell me, they love this forum and they so want to help and be a part of it, however, if they voice they're opinion they're point of views are nixed...because someone takes they're opinions personal....they are not saying your wrong for your feelings, what they are saying is, maybe your DIL's are seeing it from another perspective and right away someone comes back and gets all defensive and says, I don't do that, I've been a good mother, we raised our son to be a good person, he was kind and giving and thoughtful...and all we're seeing is that they are saying we're wrong, but they are not, they are trying to help...us see, that maybe we could try something different.


I've seen people come back in here and say, they're feelings were hurt b/c of some posts, however, they realize that those posters were trying very hard to give of they're time and help them see it from another perspective...

This situation between mil and Dil is a very hard situation....especially if we both want our ways....I'm not saying the DIL's are totally right, however, all they were trying to do is give us they're perspectives and help us to see it from another point of view...

and again, what does it hurt to at least think about it...instead of taking it as a God awful attack against us or against our characters...and I've also noted that just b/c I disagreed with MU, all of a sudden everyone rushes in to defend her, Why, do you actually think I was trying to hurt her, or be mean?  I am more then anything else, trying to help her get to a place where she might be able and willing to say, "yanno, I have some ownership in this, I don't know what it is, but the way I'm doing it isn't working, so maybe I'll try something different?"

If I came in here and agreed with everything everyone said, and said, honey, that's ok, and your right, is that going to solve the problem? I'm a fixer and a problem solver, and I get right to the point, and I apologize if that hurts someones feelings, however, it isn't meant to be that way, it's meant to be honest and trying to help someone in need, view they're situation from another perspective....not hurt feelings....sure, it's going to hurt if someone doesn't agree, but sooner or later, we've got to accept that we might be wrong...and try something different, and relationships are not mended in a year, or two years, it takes a long time, a lot of reconditioning, respect, understanding and giving....allowing...it took my DIL and me, 13 years....and it wasn't until I admited to myself, that I was doing something wrong, as well, that our relationship changed.  I'm not saying everyone's situation is the same as mine, what I'm saying is, it's not working this way, so why not at least try and look at it from another point of view, and try something new....and if we make headway, like MU's son texting her Merry Christmas, leave it at that, don't push the issue....let them contact you again, play hard to get....like yournot interested and you have other things in your life, besides needing to be in they'res....

I don't know if any of this makes sense....however, I sure hope I've been able to get my point across in the right way...take what you want, and leave the rest....my feelings are not meant to hurt anyone....but we've all been in here for a pretty long time, and what is wrong with trying something different....or trying to look at a DIL's perspective...I've seen wonderful young Gilrs in here take the time to offer they're perspectives, and right aways someone takes offense....don't do that....it's like you view her as your dil's and not the person she is....we could all learn something from each other....

or, we can come in here and complain, and cry and contine to do this for the rest of our lives, without any change in our relationships....

Sure, we can all go on the internet, and find books that we interrupt as abusive, as narcissistic, as whatever, but when it comes down to it, are we able to view both sides...we have to or we're lost....and nothing will ever change....I guess we all have to ask ourselves what we want from this forum...and from each other...but if we cannot view another's point of view,as care, and concern, then how are we ever going to make things better with our son's and they'r wives?


Miss Understood

Creme...I don't know who is defending me....??? Can you tell me so I can get an ego stroke today?

Please don't get upset...I hate writing instead of talking...it never comes out right.

I just think us newbies are sad about this whole business. I know I refuse to play the game. Play like I don't care. That is not the way I am...I do care, yes it does bother me and no, I am not going to pretend that it means nothing to me. I would love to take some responsibility in what I did wrong...I just need to know what it is first and am welcome to them discussing it with me. I'd love to change for the better...need to know what it is I am supposed to change.
There it is again.....I can't do anything until THEY communicate. I cannot change a thing if I don't know what I am supposed be changing and I cannot give up on someone that I brought into this world and promised to love unconditionally MY whole life.

We all make mistakes....ALL of us. Isn't time that someone is strong and caring enough to find forgiveness and reach out to those we love? I am not a door mat, just a mom.

Creme...seriously....don't take this the wrong way....Relax....no one is putting you down. Really.
I appreciate you....Really.  ;D

cremebrulee

QuoteMiss Understood
Creme...relax. You opinion does matter and is well taken.
One thing I must clarify...my DS never told me not to call, text or anything...I got screamed at and nothing said to me since. If he told me not to call, text or talk to him again...I'd have an answer to the mystery
Hello, and thank you
first, I am relaxed, I'm simply writing my heart....I'm not upset...

second, you wrote me a long time ago, and asked me my opinion, and told me you were texting your son, calling him, etc, and he wasn't answering you....maybe he didn't come out and say, don't text me, don't call me, and I may have gotten you confused with someone else, but when you phone or text someone and they don't respond, what are they saying? 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you were calling him and leaving messages, and he wasn't responding, right?  Well, does he have to come out and say, Mom, don't do that any more....if he is not responding, why would you continue to do so?

Same with you asking about what you should do with the gifts...if he didn't respond and give you an answer about them, why would you continue to want to insist that you should take them over....?  If he didn't respond, can't you see that as a no?  What I'm trying to point out here, is how you simply cannot see what he's trying to say to you by his silence?

I've kept up with your posts, and you have so improved, however, these things take a long long time....and there is still much work to do, relationships are a constant work in progress....as mine is with my kids....it is very hard not to smother them, b/c we love them, however, I try very very very hard, not to do that....he's a grown adult, and I must realize, I'm alone and not nearly as busy, and I don't want to smother them or make my DIL feel as if I'm so needy that I'm taking him away from her....first off, I think she realizes I could never do that, and would have more patience with me if I did but, the point I'm trying to make is, that I even have to stop myself from smothering them....I don't like  it, why would I think they are any different? 

thanks MU   

Eva

Creme, Pen was right about abuse

The Silent Treatment - A Form of Abuse

Just about the worst form of abuse is the Silent Treatment. Which is someone who is in the same room as you are, but who is acting like you don't exist. They don't speak to you, they do not answer your questions or make comments on your statements, they completely ignore you and act as if you are invisible.  And it works because nothing makes us madder than someone who we KNOW hears us, sees us, and knows without a shadow of a doubt that we exist, act as if we are not even there! We feel a "rage" rising from somewhere deep inside of us when we are ignored.
I believe the silent treatment is the worst form of emotional abuse. It is, in all reality, a punishment because it makes you feel like a non--person, who is not valued or cared about, and they make you feel as if you are completely out of their thoughts.  It is really all about CONTROL because the abuser really DOES KNOW that you are speaking to him or her, they do know that you exist, and that you are THERE. It is emotionally abusive instead of physically abusive and even worse because there are no scars that can be seen by an outside observer.
I have seen mother-in-laws give the "silent treatment" to daughter-in-laws, or son-in-laws, when their child is not in the room, completely ignoring them, and then when their child walks back in the room, all of a sudden they will start talking to the daughter-in-law or son-in-law, being very friendly, as if just five seconds ago they had not been giving them the silent treatment. This is so their child will think that their parent likes their spouse. And then when the spouse tries to tell their mate what REALLY happened while they were out of the room, meaning they were completely ignored by the family member, their spouse does not believe them. This is just one example of how the silent treatment can work.
Silent treatment is a form of torture to someone that they profess to love.  People who abuse others by using the silent treatment have learned that it works, so they use it over and over again. It makes the victim more frustrated than any other form of abuse and it allows the abuser to avoid any confrontations, any uncomfortable questions or subjects that they don't want to talk about, and it gives them a way to get out of any accountability to their spouse.

The silent treatment is a method the abuser uses to 'kill' you for something you have done. In a sense, you have been psychologically "murdered " by them, but your physical life goes on.
Excuses that the abuser uses to justify their silent treatment of you include:

I needed to have some space
I thought you needed some space
I was feeling depressed and didn't want to drag you down with me
I thought we both need a cooling off period
I felt threatened/insulted/hurt and reacted with fear and isolation
I just needed some time alone to think
I didn't want to fight
You told me to leave you alone
Problems from my past came up and I needed to sort them out
Of course these excuses are just one more way for the abusers to blame somebody or something else for his abuse.

What is really going on though is the more they ignore you, the more you want to fix it. And that is what they get such satisfaction out of which is watching you squirm and "jump through hoops" to try to get them to pay attention to you and to communicate with you. It is a real EGO BOOST for them and they actually get a RUSH from the entire experience. It also puts them in control and gives them tons of attention, from you.
Really nice godly people do not give the silent treatment to others. They listen, they communicate, they respond back and they engage and participate in the conversation. Even if they disagree they still will treat you with respect.

The silent treatment is never about love. It is denying to another human being, the person that one is supposed to be the closest to on this earth, your affection and your interest. There is a saying that the worst thing you can do to someone is not hate them but to be "totally indifferent" to them. If you hate them at least you care enough to hate them. But when you are indifferent to them you really DO NOT CARE at all.

Abuse is Abuse. And abuse is never OK. In one way though, the silent treatment is far worse than other forms of abuse, because it indirectly says to you that you are not a person, you are an object, you are invisible because they choose to make you so because you are not worthy of their time. THAT is one of the most hurtful and abusive things to do to another human being. It is a horrible feeling, being ignored and denied affection.
Usually the silent treatment occurs when you do something that the abuser does not like or approve of in their book. Or when you dare to disagree with them or actually point out something wrong that they did.  And then Wham, you get punished by them not speaking to you for days, or sleeping elsewhere, or choosing to not even be in the same physical area that you are in. They make you feel as if you are a leper.  They may also disappear for hours, making you worry about where they are.  And it is all calculated to drive you crazy.
How does one reason with someone who is so immature you think they are a child? Or so selfish that they would treat you like this while at the same time saying that they love you? The truth is you can't reason or gain any ground with someone who acts like this. It is a "no win " situation and you can waste your entire life trying to make it work.

Miss Understood

Yes...he did not answer me...that is me. Though I get silence, that still doesn't mean that he is saying, "I don't want you to call anymore." It says..."______________."  Like I said, I can't read his mind or have a crystal ball and until he shows some decensy and respect to speak like an adult and act like an adult...I don't know what he is saying except that something is bothering him and that is why he isn't returning my call.

I am just trying to make a point here that change is alot of things....How about change for: NOT assuming what someone is thinking and NOT assuming something or analyzing it to death. That is how I changed. I no longer try to guess at what is going on inside his head and why he does what he does. I can't make sense out of something that makes no sense to me. If he is willing to discuss it...I can see his side and hopefully mend or atleast try to mend what it is that is bothering him. I purely do not know.

Just because someone gives you the silent treatment doesn't necessarily mean, "I don't want to talk to you." It could mean many things. If he really doesn't want my call or me to reach out to him...he'd say, "don't call" change his number or tell someone else that he doesn't want me to call. He doesn't do that...which leads me to believe that he probably likes the fact that I at least reach out to him now and again and he knows I am hear...That's all I can hold on to at this point because I really don't know. Like I shared about my DH's son...he really felt bad when DH stopped leaving him messages....he needed that from him...from parent to child...sometimes our children need us and as much as it hurts us...we will never know for sure.

O.K. I want to have a happier day...I have been stuck in this gloom and doom attitude all morning.
I've done my monthly cry out.

Oh...did I not say I was opinionated too! I might be a pain in the rear...but my heart is in the right place :D

cremebrulee


QuoteCreme...I don't know who is defending me....??? Can you tell me so I can get an ego stroke today?

LOL, wrong choice of words on my part...and I could be wrong, however, ever my first post to you, two people came in and posted in your defense...and then I feel bad, that I even posted anything...however, I could be wrong....

Please don't get upset...I hate writing instead of talking...it never comes out right.[/quote]

I told you before, I'm not upset, honest, and I feel the same way you do, I'm always afraid to offer another way of looking at things for fear someone is not going to understand, and it usually happens, I don't think anyone of us wants to hurt the feelings of others, I do believe we all want to help...

QuoteI just think us newbies are sad about this whole business.
I don't consider you a newbie, for what  it's worth... ;)

QuoteI know I refuse to play the game. Play like I don't care. That is not the way I am
exactly, those are the same words I said, however, regardless of the way I was, or felt, my DIL and son saw things differently...they are not asking you to play a game or not to care, they are asking you to maybe try backing off for now, give them some space.  I don't believe they would cut you out of they're lives forever...it's just something they are trying b/c they don't know what else to do.

...I do care, yes it does bother me and no, I am not going to pretend that it means nothing to me.

No one is saying you don't care or you have to act like you don't care, what I'm saying is, to give them some space....I think in the back of your mind, your remembering what your husbands son said to him, that he wishes his father would have fought for the relationship...well, that is so wrong, he was asking his father to read his mind...to be someone that wasn't him, and what he wants doesn't m ean your son want s the same things....MU, if a person dones't respond to your trying to contact them, and you continue to do so, it pushes them away further....

I would love to take some responsibility in what I did wrong...I just need to know what it is first and am welcome to them discussing it with me.
You have said that in the past, you tried to talk with them, however, it lead inot a screaming match....nothing will be accomplished if your going to get angry when they tell you they're feelings....believe me, I did the same thing, I got upset and we screamed at each other, it was awful....and nothing was accomplished, it just sent us both further into a cold dark place, but one day, I didn't screm and he didn't either, we listened to each other, and didn't take it personal...we actually felt sorry that we treated each other with so little respect, that we felt that we had to scream at each other to get a point across, plus nothing ever gets accomplished that way...and that is why people back off from each other....

I'd love to change for the better...need to know what it is I am supposed to change.
There it is again.....I can't do anything until THEY communicate. I cannot change a thing if I don't know what I am supposed be changing and I cannot give up on someone that I brought into this world and promised to love unconditionally MY whole life.

We all make mistakes....ALL of us. Isn't time that someone is strong and caring enough to find forgiveness and reach out to those we love? I am not a door mat, just a mom.

Creme...seriously....don't take this the wrong way....Relax....no one is putting you down. Really.
I appreciate you....Really.  ;D

Thank you very much....

I'm sorry, I tried to highlight things you said in the end, but it just won't let me, and it's difficult to type because while I'm typing the page keeps jumpaing up and down....so I h ope you can read my responds

Miss Understood

Thanks for your response.
I am backing off. I am...atleast as much as I can.

Screaming only came on my DS's part...not mine...but regardless...there was no discussing to someone who is continually screaming at you curse words.
I think he feels awful and ashamed and finding blame for it all. Regardless...until I hear why...I am not going to assume anymore.

Oh, My DH's son was very young...teenager when this happened. He got married at 15 to a girl much older...long story. But, He was still immature and so is my DS...even though he acts as though he is an adult with a wife and kid.

I'll be quiet now.

Eva

 
Creme
my son asked me too not to buy any toys or dolls or cloths for his kids
b/c he is wrong I did no follow his wishes as
Grandchildren should never be used as a weapon
_________________________
Many grandparents cut off from grand kids
Of all the holiday seasons the Christmas season is the worst one for many grandparents who are denied access to their grandchildren. You avoid looking down the toy aisles, you can't watch the Santa Claus parade, and you turn your head from something as simple as seeing all the excited kids going to see Santa at the mall.

Why? Because everything around you is a reminder of what has been taken away; the love of your grandchildren, no phone calls, no "Grandma & Grandpa" cards, no Christmas or holiday songs to sing. The hugs and kisses are replaced with past memories and heartaches for what used to be.
Separation or divorce, family disagreements, whatever the reason it sometimes drives a wedge between adult generations and separates the children from their grandparents' love and support.
Spite, pettiness, revenge and anger can be awful things,
but no child, no child, should be used as a weapon. The importance of a grandchild/grandparent relationship has historically been shown to be an essential and very positive part of a child's life.
Inter generational familial love and support is an integral part of ensuring that children know where they came from, who they are, and who they will someday be.


Pen

I believe my post was misunderstood.

The "cut off" in general isn't a sign of abuse; it may be cruel, but we all have the right to have or not have relationships with whomever we choose.

What's abusive is when one person forces their mate to cut off from the mate's family and friends as a way of isolating them and becoming the one and only person in the mate's life. It is one of the signs professionals look for when determining if abuse has occurred.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Miss Understood

I understood you Pen.

Eva...I know how you feel. I'm sorry. :(