March 29, 2024, 05:44:16 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


What to do now????

Started by Miss Understood, January 01, 2011, 05:20:29 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Miss Understood

Hi Ladies, hope you had a good holiday. I haven't posted in a while...just been lurking or interjecting. I was doing well...or at least as well as expected. 6 months of the silent treatment from DS and DIL and not allowed any part of my GD. Well...I got a text at 9:30 p.m. on Christmas night from DS, "merry Christmas" I texted back..."merry Christmas to you. I love and miss you." That was the first communication in 6 months. He knows I have gifts for them, I put that in my Xmas card. I even texted this morning that I would like to bring the gifts by...again...NOTHING. I had hopes up that he was moving forward. I was thinking about going to their place one evening and calling from outside and let him know I am there and have gifts and will sit for 10 minutes if he'd like to see me, just open the door...if not, I will leave their gifts. Does that sound like a bad idea? My therapist said do what makes me happy...but truthfully, nothing about any of this makes me happy. I seriously doubt he will open the door and now I feel stupid about leaving expensive gifts to ungrateful people who can't have the decency to even acknowledge me. I am torn.
I was wondering if any of you had thoughts on this one. I just don't know anymore and it is starting to get me down again. Bah...HUMBUG!!!!

luise.volta

My guess is that what he meant was "Merry Christmas." Door open...two words, door closed." I'm so sorry, MU
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Miss Understood

So...it wasn't much positive after all...was it! I had my hopes up. Now what do I do about the gifts? I have this thing where just because they are treating me awful doesn't mean that I have to do the same. I don't know...I just don't know!

Pen

I agree with Luise, MU. I'm glad you are seeking advice on this one. My vote is to NOT give them gifts, especially expensive ones. You will appear needy and gullible. Take them back to the store and spend the money on yourself! Live the best life you can and move on. Your son will figure it out one of these days and you'll be a centered, whole, vibrant, complete WW when he does if you STOP mooning around for the least little tidbit from DS & DIL!

MU, it's so good to hear from you again. Have a fulfilling, joyous new year :)       {{{hugs}}}
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

elsieshaye

I think showing up at their house is likely to backfire on you in a big way.  Me personally, I'd put the gifts aside, and then donate them in a month if he doesn't specifically make arrangements to get them.  I don't think that's treating him badly.  (And, actually, if he's not speaking to you, he may genuinely not want to receive gifts from you right now.)   I'm sorry that you're hurting, MU.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

luise.volta

Just get that he said "Merry Christmas." He really did! What a miracle! It wasn't about anything else like further communication or gifts...but it was "Merry Christmas." Don't lose sight of that, Honey.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Faithlooksup

Hi MU,  Hello,  Well, at least you did get a text from DS with "Merry Christmas".  Remember, a lot of us did not even get that.....So keep that in your Heart.

IMHO~~put gifts away in a closet for some other day...No more calls, dont go over~~nothing..DS knows you have them and when he is ready he will contact you, he knows the door is open and that you love him...that is all that matters right now...

Have you read the book, When Parents Hurt by: Joshua Coleman, PhD. ?  If not, may I recommend that book to you~it really does have a lot of great insight which may help you~~for it has to me.

Hang in there, dont concentrate on them anymore (I know easier said than done) but try...This is a new year....A new year for us Mom, to better ourselves and to take a new journey in life without our children....  We will always be there for them for that is part of being a parent.....In the meantime when they need us they will be back.

Happy New Year...Peace and Hugs...Faith

Miss Understood

Thanks for the in put ladies. I knew all this already....I guess I just needed reinforcement. I am always such the nice mom, the giver. Everytime I cook something my DS loves...I make extra and freeze it. I have about 6 meals for him....I will wait. I am taking back the clothes for GD since they are winter and she will grow out soon, put the money away...the toys...I'll wait.
I'm o.k. Thanks.

luise.volta

I know how hard that must be for you. Remember, MU, to be "nice" to yourself. Be the "giver" to you. It's time. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Miss Understood

Luise...I don't know how. I have done everything for the past 28 years to give to everyone else. My kids especially. I still want to. That's what is awful about this whole thing. I never in a million years would have suspected that my DS would be behaving this way and hurting us all....for what ever reason he has....we don't deserve it and it is most definately the hardest road I have ever travelled on.
Thanks for all your support...I'll work on me more.

luise.volta

Most of us don't know how. We learn to give and that becomes our identity. "Deserving" probably has very little to do with it. Our well-being can't safely be put into the hands of others. Find a great support group and an even greater counselor and move on to developing self-respect. And play your piano, MU. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Eva

Happy New Year  2011 to all!

Miss Understood at least he wished you Merry Christmas.
Maybe he wanted just to let you know that he is thinking about you..
but could not communicate more b/c of DIL attitude?

We talk to our son on Dec.27,
DS come alone to see us, we talk in front of his brother house,
DS stayed only 10 minutes, we gave him 2 presents for his 2 daughters,
envelope for him with $100 and
food basket with goodies for whole family with bottle of whiskey.
DS took presents, wished us Merry Christmas and left,
promising that he would call latter and let us know
when we could see our 2 granddaughters.
ON Dec. 30 DS called asking where we are,
that he need to talk to us before we could see his kids.
DS came alone, we talked in front of his brother house,
he said to us that he needs to return to us the envelope and presents,
b/c it was very offensive to his new wife b/c to her 2 kids we did not gave them any presents,
only food basket, and $ 100 was like a slap in DS face b/c
to his ex I gave in September for clothes and school supply $200
for his 2 girls  and to him for Christmas only $100?
but he would like to keep the whiskey..
and that that little boy is only 8 and he was just curios,
b/c he got penis and that girls are different so  he just want to see how girls look..
and if I really love him as a mother should love her son,
I would not go to school talk to school psychologist
but go to him and tell him "son we have a problem we need to fix it..
that his wife do not understand why I did that
b/c
I was always nice to her or to her mother bonding with her mom very well,
never yell at her or argue with her,
that she could not say a bad thing about me..
and now I proved to them that I do not have good manners
buying presents only for his kids but not hers,
that her mom, her brother, her sister gave presents to his kids too.
And that is a reason why we would like to return our gifts to us..

I said "Fine"
just bring all back and I would give this to charity
and that he was treated same as his brothers b/c his 3 bothers got only $100

b/c he said NO toys, NO dolls, NO clothes
I bought art supply-paints, brushes, clay, crayons, coloring pencils, pens,
markers, coloring books with alphabet and numbers, dots to dots, etc...
so I knew I could use that for other grand children

I also told DS  please do come in January
for dad's 60 birthday party with all family..

well today we just spend 2 hours at Mc Donald playground
with our son and his 2 daughters,
both girl were so happy to see us, smiling, talking, asking question,
we gave them their Christmas presents personally
as our son kept our presents all this time in him car in the trunk..
son allowed us to give presents to his daughters under one condition that
his wife would divide each present in half to share with her 2 children
so his girls learn how to share..

so hopefully we would see them again in three weeks

luise.volta

Bless your heart, Eva...you sure are made of tougher stuff than I am. Oh, the games some people play! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Eva

thank you Louise
it is exactly what you said...
"games some people play..."
we did not see our granddaughters for 14 month
and it would be same for this year again
unless we invite his whole family for a treat to Mc Donald once a month

at Mc Donald we had to buy everything 4X
as his girls had to bring toy and  apple pie to her kids
girls can not eat anything as it was close to dinner time and at home
they would have a meatloaf for supper

DS was like a brick of ice -cold, distant, voicing only his new wife wishes to me-
I should call 1-2 times a month to his house and talk to his wife,
be nice and polite to her and be very careful with my words to her,
they do not want us at their house,
they do not want to come to our house
and if we want to see his kids, we need to come to him first,
meant come to his new wife first..

DS is very angry
b/c his ex just had a baby boy born on December 23
DS thought that his ex would had no time for his girls
as she would take care of new baby
and that he would spend more time with his girls
but his girls love this new baby brother a lot, getting attach to him
and their mom,
wanted to stay with their mom in her house
whole time during  Christmas holiday ;D

cremebrulee

January 03, 2011, 03:12:31 AM #14 Last Edit: January 03, 2011, 03:58:35 AM by cremebrulee
MU...in answer to your question, I would not contact them about the presents...

I wish you could see how codependent you are on your son for your happiness...and if your counselor told you to make yourself happy by trying to deliver those presents, then I would definitely look for another counselor who is going to help you understand that you son is now an adult...who is married...and now has his own life...and you need to back off big time.  You need a counselor who is going to tell you the same things that I'm telling you and teach you how to live your life, without your son in it.  That is the first and foremost issue at hand that your counselor should be teaching you....

I have refrained from posting on your threads, b/c I don't want  to hurt your feelings, but I must try if I can, help you understand, that you are taking the wrong approach...if you are going to make any progress in this relationship with your son, your going to have to stop, look and listen, to them and the messages they are sending you in they're silence...and not make excuses for your actions, but to understand, your wrong in a lot of ways your looking at this.  You are looking at it through your eyes only and not they'res?  Why? 

You son is sending you a message, meaning, he doesn't want you to contact them....period...when he wished you a Merry Christmas, you should have been so happy that he contacted you...That was a start, however, you don't see that, you take any small contact they extend as an invitation back into they're lives and take it to the next level.

No, you should not expect to give them the gifts, by stopping outside of they're home for 10 minutes and waiting for him to open the front door....MU, that is almost as bad as stalking and a very bad idea.  You need to learn to let them make the moves, and simply back off.  Everytime they try and contact you, it's a test, to see if your going to run away with it and expect to be back in they're lives.

MU...they are sending you a message by cutting off contact with you, and you refuse to acknowledge that...you cannot depend on them for your happiness....and by them staying away, should be sending you a huge message, to take a look at what your doing and how your acting...you keep thinking it's ok to be in your son's life to the level that it was years ago, and it is not....to him and them, it is smothering....

I'm not saying this to hurt you, or to be mean, however, if you continue to obsess with them like this, everytime you contact them, you take another step backwards.

If you would leave it alone, they would come back...however, it's going to take a very long time on your part, to rehabilitate yourself into understanding, you cannot be in they're lives to the degree that you want to be...and if they contact you, take it as a start a new beginning, and leave it at that, do not try and take it to the next level...if you do, they will back off more....
what you are doing, is pushing them away....and you have to realize that and work on you, before your relationship with them gets any better.

When they contact you, they are only extending themselves a little bit to see what you are going to do...they expect you to run away with that contact and take liberties again, however, I believe they are hoping you start to get it and change...but you don't, and everytime to take they're contact to the next level, they will back off more, and you will have to start all over again and wait for they're next contact. 

What they are saying is, "Please let us alone".  If you do that, they will become curious and start with a small gesture of some contact, but if you start to contact them all over again, after they do this, with a card, or a text, or a phone message, they are taking it as smothering them, and they are only going to back off more. 

You have to learn to live your life without your son in your life as it was.

MU, all of us here have lost our sons to marriage, for all of us, it is never the same again....however, it is normal, and supposed to be that way, anything else beyond that, is not normal, a mother has to learn to recondition herself, and not make her children her whole life anymore...when Our children see that, they return...however, it must stay that way...we as mothers...have to realize, what our children are saying when they cut off all contact, like it or not...it's the way it must be, otherwise, we push them away further...sad but true....

I hope in some small way your realize this, and change b/c that is the only way, your going to regain any trust....you have to learn how to live without him in your life....it's hard, but we all have to do it...it's easier for some, and harder for others...and I'm not saying it's fair or less hurtful...but it is life's and nature's way. 

Having sons, is difficult, b/c when they grow up and get married, they leave the nest...and your son is crying out for you to understand this and to view him as an adult and not someone who is still a child...he's begging you to...and he's hurting just as much as you are...but he is trying to say, MOM, I'm a grown adult, please, stop smothering us....

Does that make any sense?

MU, I have an acquaintance in my life, who both husband and wife tried to talk to me about they're situation, they are in they're 60's....it's her mother....she doesn't take no for an answer and give them space and never has....she is constantly there, sleeping over night all the time?????  I commend her husband as he is a saint....they've given up....they gave her the silent treatment for years, as she wouldn't listen, that they were begging her for space and privacy in they're lives....everytime they would contact her again, she would take it to the next level and barge right back into they're lives....she felt being a mother to his wife, meant, that they had to allow her to not only be in they're lives, but to run they're lives...God I couldn't live like that....they are even afraid to tell her, that they've had a glass of wine to celebrate something because she doesn't believe in drinking.  She goes to church with them, and spends way to much time over at they're house, and it's drained them, drained they're relationship...however, they've given up fighting her...

Do you want to cause your son and his wife that much grief and pain just to have your own way....there comes a time in life, when we have to stop being a mother in the way that we were mothers to our small children and acknowledge that it's now they're turn and they're life...

Smothering a child to that extent is thoughtless and selfish and my friends told me, they actually split up for awhile because of her mother...and yet, her mother didn't get it...?  And still continues to cause them pain and interferes in they're lives....

We have to come to a point in our lives, and realize, "Do we want to have our ways, at the expense of someone else's happiness, meaning our adult children?"  I don't, that is for certain, and that is why years ago, I cut my son and his wife out of my life, b/c I couldn't take it any longer, we were not listening to each other, and I was as much to blame as they were....it takes two...however, nothing was working, and I couldn't go on trying....it drove me literally up a wall....couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't function normally....do you want to continue to do this to your son?  To they're relationships....b/c if you continue, you might just be the cause for them to split up...do you want that hanging over your head for the rest of your life? 

I didn't, I had to do something, because I didn't want to be responsible for that, why, if that would happen, my son would have blamed me, and our relationship would have deterorated to the point that we would no longer be mother and son. 

MI, you've got to consider they're point of view....we all do, I'm not saying we're all here guilty of this, however, when there are problems like this surrounding our lives, we've got to learn to listen and respect the feelings of others....
and not simply continue to pursue our own way of life....if we don't MU, we are upsetting the natural course of the lives of others...we are over stepping boundaries and interferring way to much...to the point of hurting the lives of others...and if we refuse to view these options, and continue to blame others for what is happening instead of asking ourselves, "What part am I playing in this?"  then the hurt and pain will only continue, more and more...instead of resolveing the issue and bring peace to our own privet worlds.

So what I'm saying is, your not listening to what they're silent treatment is saying...they are begging you to understand they're point of view, and you are not listening...what your doing, is forcing your self on them....and it's killing them....so the only recourse they had was to discontinue contact with you, to have some peace in they're lives....

again, this is what your counslelor should be telling you...and helping  you understand this...it's so easy, and yet, we human's make life so hard, b/c we want, what we want, when we want it...at all costs, and in this instance, at the cost of your own happiness and your son's happiness...

I've refrained from telling you this because everytime I've tried, you have an answer to excuse your actions and continue on the way you are...what I'm saying to you, is I care, and if you continue on, and not try to change, this issue with your son will not get better....all I'm asking you to do is to think about things, and reconsider your part in this....so that you might be ableto work this out...and I believe you can, but it's going to take hard work, and a good counselor to get to that point...

Hugs and Good Luck
Creme