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Don't want this to escalate to total estrangement but I need respect

Started by meanlady, December 16, 2010, 04:54:31 PM

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luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

meanlady

New research that the counselor shared with me yesterday is that if kids drink heavily between the ages of 17 and 25 they damage the brain and never mature emotionally past the age of 16.  This has put ny situation in a whole new light.  He is acting like a spoiled 16 year old for sure!    I now feel sadness for the loss of his ability to mature.  My sweet little baby will never grow up emotionally and will always have these explosive episodes.   I see glimpses of him in my mind at three being a happy child and telling me he loved me finnety(infinetly).   So cute!  We can be estranged, and that is bad, but to know that he is incapable of maturing emotionally is just devastating.   All your hopes and dreams for your childs life dashed by the alcohol.  Will he ever truly be happy?
Dlphnsql, Do you think maybe this is what has happened to your sons?   I wish we lived closer we could meet for coffee or tea.   I have started to avoid my freinds that have kids because they always seem so happy and their adult kids are the joy of their lives.  :)    You will not be alone on Xmas!  I will be wishing and praying that you have a peaceful holiday!   

Pen

In reading I've done I've found that that applies to other drugs besides alcohol as well. Apparently your emotional maturity freezes at the age when you start heavily using, no matter how old you are chronologically.

For all who are dealing with this, best wishes. Please take care of yourselves and know you've got support from many WW.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

shari

I know how you feel. My children's dad is and alcoholic too... I am use to my children spending more time with him.. He allows them to do more than I would and is more "with it" than me. I no longer take it personally. I think in the long run when my children mature they will see the light. Like us our children as they mature see things. people and situations in a whole new light. Hang in there.. So will youre son :)

Faithlooksup

Hello ML (meanlady)~~~~~~~ I understand your pain and anger and its only human to have those feelings.  However, if son wants to hang out with dad then let him...He knows the door is always open with you~~so let him go and do his thing.  You enjoy your other son and take care of you.  You cannot change the other one~~only he can change him self, as the ol' saying has it "You can lead a horse to water, but you can not make him drink."
May I offer a suggestion as far as a good book to read~~"When Parents Hurt" by: Joshua Coleman PhD.  this has a lot of insight you may find helpful and interesting.....ALSO, Boundaries by: Dr. Henry Cloud/Dr. John Townsend another great read....
I do hope you find these books and also take a step into Al-Anon meetings~for alcoholism is a dis-ease which affects the entire family.
You can still love him and talk with him etc...but dont chase after him~~let him go, he needs to figure out life on his own Mom, we cant do that for them anymore.....
Yes, I would keep his gifts for him and when he comes over give them to him, dont take them back...No matter what he is still your son, and when we took on the Title of "Parent" we do have to go thru thick and thin~~for better and for worse...
Hugs, Faith :)

SunnyDays09


meanlady

Thanks for all the responses and I hope you all had a wonderful xmas!  The wisdom coming from the replies has halped tremendously.  My son got his gifts and spent about an hour at my house on xmas eve.  We are talking but the hurt still is there. 

Faithlooksup

Hi ML,  so glad to hear your son was over, that is always a good sign.  May I suggest and in my humble opinion~~let go of the hurt, or try to when you are with him.  Be happy that he is their with you...forget about yesterday and live for today.  Sometimes when we keep the hurt alive it only damages more~~rise above it....
Happy New Year with lots of hugs...Faith