My daughter is not talking to me AGAIN!

[coolestgrannie]

I just don't know why??? Whenever my son - daughter in law or their children come to visit (& they live far away) - she stops communicating with me.  She won't answer the phone or emails either.

It has now been 2 & 1/2 months.  I miss her so much you just cannot believe the pain.  I also miss my precious granddaugher 15 & 6 as well as 5 grandsons 13, 11, 9, 7, 4 & 1.  This is so difficult - I am not sleeping well and I am overwhelmed with sadness.

For my son's son - his mom and dad paid for a trip here to visit & we so enjoyed him.  (aged 14).  I invited my daughters family to a hockey game, supper & a special football game.  She did not even confirm they would or would not come.  All communication just stopped. 

This is not the first time she has done this - it usually takes 2 - 3 months for her to come around.   We are now planning a trip out of town to visit our son for Christmas.  But I want to talk to her so badly that I cannot get through a day with feeling extremely sad.

I just really do not know what to do??  I was thinking of baking something that she really likes and when all the kids are at school - stopping by & hoping she will answer the door.  I am planning on inviting them for Christmas dinner before we leave and giving the kids their gifts.

What can a person do?  My husband and I are very saddened by this.  We only have 2 children - our daughter and a son 3 years older than her who lives a long ways away. 

Suggestions please?

[luise.volta]

I'd leave her alone and let her set her own timetable. She may be on overwhelm for reasons of her own. Sending love...

[jill]

Dear Coolestgrannie,
I know how you are feeling, my odd cut communication for the last 4 months, and finally agreed to talk to me during which time she told me how badly I had been treating her.  So I know the pain you are in, but if this is something she has done before, maybe she will come around in her own time.  I know the pain of missing your grandchildren.  Have you ever asked her why she just drops out of your life?  You mention your other grandson was visiting you, could this have bothered her?  Do her children visit you?  It sounds like she has a big family.  You will find lots of comfort here from all the wise women.
Best wishes...Jill   

[Faithlooksup]

Dear Friend, I also understand your pain, so you have our shoulders to cry on if the need be. 
If she does not want to communicate then you are going to just have to let her go and leave her be until she is ready to surface again~~I believe this is a pattern???  It is not you, it is her and what ever she is going thru or stewing about you will never know until she is ready to discuss this with you.
There is a book out actually two of them you may want to pick up and read--you may find them useful~~1) When Parents Hurt by: Joshua Coleman  ~~  2) Letting Go Of Our Adult Children by: Arlene Harder......Actually I am awaiting their arrival in the mail, however I have heard so many great reviews on both of these books, here on WWU and on line!!!  So I can't wait for them to arrive!!!

Keep your chin up and let her stew, you are good and loving to her--there is nothing more you can do.  Baking for her is a Beautiful gesture--but as you said, "will she open the door?"  Dont push (I know easier said than done.)  She may also have her own suffering that she needs to deal with and by herself as well.......And by leaving her alone when she needs her alone time is a gift that you are giving her.....Perhaps someday when she is ready to talk to you about this she will.

Until then, just shake off the dust, dry your tears and keep the Faith.......

Blessings and Hugs,  Faith

[coolestgrannie]

Thank you so much!  I have been down this road with her several times before - & oh god it hurts.  Sometimes you just need to hear from someone else. 

I do believe it really bothers her when our son's kids visit etc.  We were doing a lot of stuff with her kids as well - but none of that is appreciated.
Yes, I agree she obviously does have some issues - and what I am not exactly sure.  She does get along with her neighbors - seems to be a real loner. 

My husband and I talked extensively about this last night and he is quite adamant that whatever steps we take or when she does decide to come around - that we must be very sure we are not being set up to be 'the doormats' or 'the wallets'.  I agree that we really need to have some guidelines as well as hear from her the issues.  We need to make sure that we work through these issues because everytimes she does this it is worse.

The SIL is very difficult on any given day.  He is a real bully to say the least and I have really gotten very good at putting that 'on ignore' and really not letting him affect us.  I am not sure if he is working - he is very secretative about where he works or what he does.  We are not sure why that is.

Anyway we can hope...maybe today will be the day.  Maybe we will see these kids for Christmas after all.

[Faithlooksup]

Hi again,  I do have to agree with what you Husband did say...you are not her door mat nor are you her dumping ground....May I suggest, there is another book which is called~~ Boundaries by: Joshua Coleman.. I just ordered mine and am looking forward to its arrival....

However it is time to set boundaries with her~~if and when possible when you are together...And then, on the other hand when you are together it may not be wise to do any brain picking or why this or why that.....However this book may have some understanding along with  helpful insight for you and DH.....

In the meantime just live your life and let go--you have to let go for yourself and for your Husband as well...

Hugs, Faith

[MrsKitty]

The SIL is very difficult on any given day.  He is a real bully to say the least and I have really gotten very good at putting that 'on ignore' and really not letting him affect us.  I am not sure if he is working - he is very secretative about where he works or what he does.  We are not sure why that is.

Anyway we can hope...maybe today will be the day.  Maybe we will see these kids for Christmas after all.

Hi CG:
This put up a warning flag for me. Do you think the SIL might be abusive to your daughter?

[coolestgrannie]

The SIL is and can be verbally abusive - I have heard that as well as I have experienced that.  So, yes I suppose that is a possibility but I have never seen bruises or anything like that.  As well, I know that sometimes physical violence is only 1 step from the verbal abuse.

I know that I sometimes avoid time with him - will talk to her on the phone, chat on fb etc. to avoid being around him.  He does make everyone in our family uncomfortable alright....

We have always basically treated him like the lion at the door to the kids.  As well, I make sure that I always treat him with respect in every way....I do not want to ever have the kids seeing me being anything but respectful to him.  They will figure him out on their own - anyway that has always been the way I have looked at it. 

You have no idea how helpful suggestions are...yesterday I was absolutely beside myself with almost unbearable grief.  I was almost in doormat mode ....but today I do feel better.  Will also do some reading as I believe knowledge is really helpful in problem solving.

Another thought I had - what about doing an album of her with us.  I have many pictures of her and our family as a child.  Pictures of us having a ton of fun and believe me we used to until she met the SIL and married.  Pics of her first Christmas etc. just a reminder of how much we do love her.  I had thought about her dad and I putting this together and just dropping it off in the mailbox.

It would let her know we are thinking of her....but I would leave the next step to her.

Thoughts? or is this such a silly girl thing to do?

[Faithlooksup]

Hello Coolestgrannie,  The photo album is an excellent idea and then wrap it up and hand this to her...I trust the mail, but its the SIL I would question~~~ for I would really want this beautiful gift of Love to be in her hands not his, but that is just my humble opinion....
I am not to wild about this "secretiveness" about him....That is trully a "Flag".  Whats he hiding???
He is hiding whom and what he really is~~~and that is not good....Maybe he is not even working.
If your daughter is being abused and bullied she is going thru a rough time, she will hide and not be truthful (she does not mean to be this way) it is just something we hide from others  only out of fear and shame and knowing that if we tell someone of this we are simply opening up another can of worms  and retaliation will happen...for I have been there done that...
Someday she will say enough, but only she can do this......
Just keep the lines of communication open--let her always know you are here for her, keep the doors wide open.....she will be back.
Peace and HUGS to you.....Faith

[cadagi101]

The SIL is and can be verbally abusive - I have heard that as well as I have experienced that.  So, yes I suppose that is a possibility but I have never seen bruises or anything like that.  As well, I know that sometimes physical violence is only 1 step from the verbal abuse. [/color]

Hello Coolest Grannie,
I have not been physically abused so this comment may be  (  "how would you know what it's like then")   I take that on board. 

I have however been verbably and emotionally abused by ds age 19.      It was so distressing and so soul destroying that I could have ended my life, had serious depression, anti-depressants etc.   ds lived with dh and I, I kwould tell my husband if I were married to ds I wouldn't live with him.   But what would I do?   Probably stuck in a rut with feeling there was no way out.     

I have been told and have also read that verbal/emotional abuse can be more harmful to a persons self esteem and worthiness in the long term than physical abuse. 

People can jump to the opinion that  physical abuse must be worse than verbal/emotional, but at the time of my suffering I felt in my case and I felt so down  I wondered which would be worse.   Hard to believe but true.  don't disregard what she may be going through..on the other side of the coin she might just be just being a toad.    (couldn't find a better word)

[cadagi101]

Coolest Grannie, you said earlier she gets along with her neighbours.   do you know them?  Are they the sort of people you could talk to are they discrete... to just to ask them "how your dd  seems to be getting on".   Maybe the neighbour has wanted to phone you or has concerns but not wanting to interfere or betray your dd. ...maybe she knows of an issue that you can then help her with.     Depending where you are up to with your relationship I would think long and hard about giving her the album ...just yet.    Make it though.. knowing that one day you will give it to her ..don't rush that one.    i woiuld say in a small note  or answering machine whatever  that she must tell you what is bothering her so you can work to fix it or explain if it has been a misunderstanding, and you are concerned for her and want to help in any way.   But let's talk about it please, I want to be a part of your lives,  but the way things keep going the way they are how can I???