March 28, 2024, 05:48:25 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Sometime I wonder

Started by esme, January 07, 2011, 12:20:50 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

She is very kind.  I still hold to my opinion that people that are not happy themselves, lash out at other people inappropriately.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

Hmmm I've been called a lot of things.. kind is usually not one of them :)  I just know from personal experience that I've verbally lashed out and grouped people into generalized terms unnecessarily and usually at a moment of anger or irritation.   Sometimes it's just a bad bad habit and a display of poor manners.  But that wouldn't stop me from asking her if she really 'hates' old people or if she found that mysterious fountain of youth yet.

holliberri

I was just reading an article (I can't remember where, sorry, but I promise I'm not making it up), about the "watering" down of the English language. People say they LOVE everything. (I love pizza! NCIS! I love Justin Bieber!...etc...). They also say that things are "awesome," when they really are not "awe"-some, just very good things. I think the word "hate" might fall into this category as well, although I can't remember if the article addressed this exact word.

Although, it still denotes a certain disdain for the elderly in general, that seems a bit unfair to make blanket statements that way.  It is something that is done though, and I'm not sure a lot of people even realize they do it, or exactly what they are saying. She may have been frustrated (for whatever the reason), by that man in particular, which is okay, it happens.  I caught myself in front of my daughter saying, "I hate mayonnaise," and I realized that I just don't like it, but hate is a pretty strong word and isn't really the right fit for what I'm trying to say. I could easily see where this word gets combined with inaccurate stereotypes.

LaurieS

Quote from: holliberri on January 12, 2011, 09:52:07 AM
I love Justin Bieber!

I can promise you that my language skills will never be watered down enough to ever hear those four words coming out of my mouth :) 

holliberri

Haha...oh, me neither. That kind of music is the kind that I "just don't like"...ever.  :D

forever spring

I brought up my children with kindness in an atmosphere that I thought was happy and relaxed. There were of course the usual frustrations when two brothers would fight, towels laying around, teenager woes, nagging about doing the homework etc. etc. - you all know what that's like, but our general mood was positiv.
My eldest DS is now a doting, very kind father and a loving and supportive husband. I think it is because he had a good role model. Imagine my surprise the other day, however, when DH and I were taken to task for not having had enough fights when DS was young, that things were swept under the table etc. etc.  :-[
I am upset but when I look at his behavior with his own children, I'm sure DS had had an off day when he said that and was looking for something to criticise.
I still firmly believe you can't err on the side of kindness.
Kindness and love rule  :)

Sorry about your DIL making such a heartless comment. I also think that there is a change taking place in the English language nd 'to hate' does not have the same impact as before because it is overused.

Pooh

Well I guess I am totally guilty of that.  I say hate all the time.  I hate being sick.  I hate my neighbors barking dogs.  I hate new country music which sounds like pop.  I hate brussel sprouts. I hate people that call 911 for directions and make us put someone having a heart attack on hold to answer their 911 line.....

Can I say DETEST? 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

Chelms,

My mom is upset with her parents for hiding their bankruptcy, while my SIL is angry for having been very involved in the middle of her own parent's bankruptcy growing up.  I knew about everything in my parent's divorce, while my other friends were toally blindsided: each way has its advantages and disadvantages.

When we mention these things, I don't think it is meant to hurt, and I think the funny thing about it is that while we say we disagree with a parenting tactic, we also admit that we turned out okay anyway. If the reverse had been true, and the parents tried what we would've liked them to, we probably would've turned out alright anyway. Same result, right?

I don't think anyone agrees 100% with how they were raised; there are always things that they wish were different. But, that's because all of us are a little different, and we have a shot to do it our own way. You can bet then when we do, we'll be hearing from our kids that they wish it was different.  :)

Your DS doesn't really have to agree or like how you chose to raise him, he just has to recognize it is a part of him now, and if he wants, he can do it differently. But, I think these discussions are bound to come up once our kids reach parenthood. Good luck, I certainly hope he was respectful about it, and sometimes a grain of salt can be very helpful.


holliberri

Quote from: Pooh on January 12, 2011, 11:12:19 AM
Well I guess I am totally guilty of that.  I say hate all the time.  I hate being sick.  I hate my neighbors barking dogs.  I hate new country music which sounds like pop.  I hate brussel sprouts. I hate people that call 911 for directions and make us put someone having a heart attack on hold to answer their 911 line.....

Can I say DETEST?

Haha, I don't know if detest is useful, we replaced it with hate so long ago. I don't like the country that sounds like pop either, and 911 = roadkill pickup call-in where I'm from. Just awful.

luise.volta

One of my most enlightened friends had the "I hate" habit. I finally asked her if she would be willing to make a note of how many times she said that every day. She did and she was astounded! Not her wish to bathe herself in so much negativity...she had no idea! So she started saying "I prefer..." and it's worked like a charm. Of course there was that, "I H----, oops, period" but she made it through.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

forever spring

Thanks for your comment, Holliberri.
There is this lovely line in one of Robert Burns' poems: The gifte gie us, to see ourselves as others see us." There can be a huge difference in how we perceive our way of parenting and how the children experience it. As you say, a lot depends on personality and our children are not our own. When they grow up they become people in their own right and that's as it should be. It is really all good. This is me in a positive, optimistic mood - glad of it, long may it last.  :) Hope everybody is having a good day!

Sheen

Hi E
After reading this thread, I think our moms could of been related. I can remember on more then one occassion my mom saying those exact words * you made your bed now lay in it*   At the time I use to think that was a horrible response but now I think I just did not get what she was actually saying.  It was not that she wanted me to remain in the situation that was currently causing me pain, just that since I got myself into the situation, I needed to stop whining and figure out how to get myself out of it.  I believe it made me alot stronger and able to deal with the many curves that life has thrown at me.

My mom also was not one that welcomed the babysitting and would only do it if it was an emergency situation . But like you if I had ever pulled the stuff that my kids have , I know I would of faced a whole lot of whoopass  lol. 

What I have a problem with is how can four kids grow up in the same household, be exposed to the same situations and come up with such different perspectives.  During their younger years up until my son was   25 I always believed that we were a close knit family. It wasn't that we always agreed or didn't have some problems but I always truly believed that no matter what they  would have a stable family relationship to fall back on.  For the life of me I will never understand how my son can go from college into the Navy, and over night decide that he no longer wants or needs a relationship with any part of his entire family. If it was just me , I could rationalize that perhaps he had a problem with something I did , but to alienate himself from his sisters, aunts, uncles to the point that he has done makes absolutely no sense to me.

As Luise has said in the past, we will probably never understand but like you I still wonder