boundaries

[Kinzey]

Hey wonderful ladies!
So in the past couple of days my husband and I have realized how tight money has been and now that he is approaching graduation the only place that has offered him a job is back in his hometown. Because he graduates in a short few weeks we are running out of time. Neither one of us is making good money where we are and even though I have my college degree, my job still doesn't pay well. We decided together that we need to go where the jobs are and that is back in his hometown/city where his parents live. My parents live 2 hours from there. So when he went there for his second interview yesterday we decided we needed to have the boundaries talk with his parents when we tell them we are moving there. PLEASE tell me if these boundaries are too harsh!
1. We will visit once a week unless it is a special occaision.
2. They are not allowed to just drop by, they need to call
3. We actually might be expecting our first child (we'll find out soon) if that is the case we will not use them as babysitters unless necessary. I don't want my kids to have favortism towards one set of grandparents and I do not agree with my in laws cussing issue and how controlling they tend to be. They don't even follow our instructions when they have taken care of our dog so I'm not sure they would do it for our baby.
4. They will not be in the delivery room. My own parents are not allowed in there either.
5. We will pick our own church and not go to theirs. My husband is non denomination and I am Baptist so we would like to choose a church that fits us both.
6. They need to respect our privacy and our need to build our own family and traditions.
7. We will rotate Christmas and Thanksgiving between families. My brother, sister and their spouses and us have arranged it so we will always spend Christmas on the same year together. On those years we spend Thanksgiving with the other family. The other years are with our in laws and my parents will use their off year to travel. They love that idea!
Please tell me if I sound unreasonable and if this would make you as mother angry.
lots of love to you all!

[mom2]

Kinzey,

Congrats on the move and maybe/baby !

I feel your boundaries are ok for the most part but as a MIL, I think if I had been told " I couldn't be in the delivery room" my first response would be " What made you assume I did ? " . In other words, try to be sure  what lines you know they would cross. Not all MIL would want to do that .. I didn't.

[just2baccepted]

You sound reasonable to me.  It depends on their personalities though.  You may have to be firm and reinforce the boundaries once in awhile.  I hope it all works out for you.

[2chickiebaby]

I just don't "get it".  I'm sorry, I just don't.  I know everyone has these boundaries and I guess that's good but what ever happened to common courtesies?  All these rules for one little Mom and Dad. 

I hope I don't sound harsh when I say this, I don't mean it but must you out and out say, like rules to a child, what they can and can't do before they even do them?  These people must be not normal, otherwise you wouldn't have to have all these rules.

I saw where you said they cussed.  That's not acceptable to me and I'm sure to many others who have a thimble full of class, especially around kids.

Okay, they need to call first, that's great.  I remember when my inlaws would call and ask if they could come over and it really hurt my feelings.  My thoughts were, "my gosh, what is this an Emily Post convention where manners of the Queen are observed?"

I think if rules had been laid out to me when DIL and son married, I would have been devasted.  It was made clear, though through her actions so I guess the rules would have been kinder. It was perfectly clear when she would fold her arms and snarl when son wanted to come by.  It wasn't worth it. What a witch.

A list of rules for the Mom and Dad of his parents. It's always so strange to me that her parents just know their boundaries automatically.

I just feel very sensitive to this because I've been there.  Just don't pay any attention to me.  How much more can we take? 

[mom2]

I also feel some boundaries are good But some of it can also be viewed as control.

There were so many many times that my DIL needed to just get over herself and know that the world didn't evolve around her. I just don't know what makes someone think they are so great and like a piece of candy MIL can't have or better yet, even wants.

Delivery room ? YUCK ! I know I never ever wanted to to that. visiting once a week? ( maybe MIL would feel that is too often) and the best one is babysitting.... even though we love our grandbabies, aside from the joy, THAT IS WORK !   
                                                            just my thoughts.

[mom2]

I agree with chickiebaby that rules are for a child. Time lets everyone involved figure out the other persons likes and dislikes without a list.

Can I ask the DiL's on this site to answer a question? and be honest.
How would you feel if as soon as your got married your MIL handed you a list of boundaries and this is what it said.

1).Don't come to my house uninvited or unannounced.
2) don't attend my  church, please find your own.
3).We will not be babysitting your future children unless it is an emergency.
4) I am not going into the delivery room with you.
5) you may only spend every other holiday at my house because we rotate.
6). you need to respect my privacy.
7) you may only visit my home once a week unless it is a special occasion

Be honest here girls, you would be very offended that your in laws even thought you wanted to do these things.
How dare they ! Right ? and I wouldn't blame you for feeling like that, furthermore, you probably would not even want to go to their house after that.

[Kinzey]

Hey you guys,
They only reason why we feel we need to have this talk is because all of these issues have been problems in the past and they have been vocal about their opinions. I don't feel they have been respectful of us as a married couple and have told us many times how we should do things. They have told us that we should leave our kids with them so I can work and I'm wanting to stay home if it is financial possible. I don't want to disrespect them and I want to do the right thing for my family. In my opinion they act like they are the only ones who are right and we have to do what they say. Their personalites tend to be harder to handle  my husband agrees we should talk to them. They have had a hard time respecting our privacy and that needs to be addressed but I want it to be as hurt free as possible.

[just2baccepted]

I understand how the MIL's feel but I think the place where Kinzey may be coming from is that she's more of a private person and likes her alone time and there nothing wrong with that.  Her IL family on the other hand seems very close and open and are probably more extroverted.   I think Kinzey just doesn't want to be dominated by people that may or may not be dominating.  I agree with what Mom2 said about being handed a list of "boundaries" right from the beginning.  That's probably not a great idea.  But let's just say you were dealing with someone at work who was domineering, would you draw a line or a boundary to protect yourself?  I really don't think Kinzey sounds like she's being mean or is wanting to hurt her new IL's because she's jealous and insecure like some of the MIL's DIL's on this site.  Kinzey is newly married women with a different personality from her new family.  Sometimes that can be overwhelming.  My hubby is very introverted and he had a hard time with my overbearing family as well.  All I could is apologize to him because I didn't know how to put up boundaries with my family.  All I know is that some people need to be given boundaries if they make you feel uncomfortable.  My IL's have never been overbearing like this at all, they just criticize me behind my back and try to cause problems between me and my husband, I really don't know which is worse.   

[mom2]

Kinzey may not want to hurt her IL's but" she will" . I see a destroyed family in the making here and a son who is going to help accomplish that. It's just out of order for a son to go to his mom and set boundaries. How about friendly conversation?  These young men do act like robots!.

If I had known then what I know now I would have had the mind set that I was attending a funeral instead of a wedding because that is exactly what I did. I basically saw my son for the last time.

I don't know but am beginning to wonder if us getting the " list " on the wedding day isn't the best thing so we could be spared the heartache of all this. Maybe part of the ceremony should be " Could someone please present Mom with her list".
 
We don't want to take your place as a wife, we don't want to raise your children or invade your home! all we wanted was to not be stripped of motherhood just because our sons took a wife.. but sadly that was taken away from us. The DIL does hold all the keys for the future.

Who really is the biggest loser here? the mom who  lost a son and grand children ? a son who lost his family ties?
or the DIL who made all this possible and has to live with that ?

[Pen]

How about keeping the list for you and your husband to refer to, but don't give it to your ILs? There are gentler, kinder ways to let them know your boundaries! There may be a learning curve, but we all learn better and more quickly when we're not stressed. I've had a terrible MIL and a great MIL and now I'm apparently a monster MIL, so I've seen many sides of this issue. BTW, monster that my DIL thinks I am, I've never done the drop-in or given unwanted advice or criticised my son and DIL, although they have done all of those things to us, many times. I feel like handing them a list 

[luise.volta]

I just posted on this subject on another thread. I think there are people who need to respect boundaries and don't even have a clue what they are...and there are others that don't need to give them a thought.

Setting boundaries can be a very rational thing to do but being obsessed with them can reflect deep insecurity, masked as hostility, don't you think?


Those who lack boundaries are sometimes unable to say "no".

[AnnieB]

It's hard to judge on this one, not knowing how much conflict and talk has gone on in the past!

Rules and boundaries are good and clear.   

For me, I would be in shock if a DIL son handed these to me if I hadn't crossed these before and been told what the rules were and had problems with them.

If I'd crossed them and been told already and hadn't crossed them again, I'd be pretty defensive and not take it well.

If I had crossed them, been told and didn't listen,  I'd probably laugh it off and would cross them again and these would then be useful tools as a reference.

So, I think only Kinzey and her hubby know if handing them the rules is gonna start a fire or help keep one from starting!

[Kinzey]

To kind of clear things up, boundaries have been crossed by my in laws and they have been asked to back off a few time and they have chosen not to respect our wishes. But boundaries were crossed long before my husband even met me. I was told by his friends and cousins that he has gotten into screaming matches with his parents over situations where they invaded his privacy and showed a total lack of respect for him as an adult. Things just got more complicated when I came along. All of the situations I listed in the first post have been things that have come up in the past.

[AnnieB]

Ha!  Sounds like you might want to post these on the door then!  (not really, but there were moments with my own mother when my husband and I would have liked to have done that)

[just2baccepted]

I was told by his friends and cousins that he has gotten into screaming matches with his parents over situations where they invaded his privacy and showed a total lack of respect for him as an adult

For me this would be too overwhelming, whether it came from my family or his.  I'm very sensitive to people who try to control me.  Because of my non confrontational personality I've had to step away from domineering family members.  An uncle who sexually harassed me for five years that knew I was upset about the sexual attention he was giving me and he continued to do it.  I stepped away and have not seen him in 3 years.  He saw me at the Wal mart and I just turned and walked the other way.  he saw me and was upset and didn't understand why that occurred.  Those are  the people that will continue to cross your boundaries, your only defense is to walk away and keep them out of your life.

I'm not saying Kinzey needs to do that, I'm just saying that sometimes it has to be done.