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boundaries

Started by Kinzey, October 16, 2009, 02:40:55 pm

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Aisling

Quote from: mom2 on October 17, 2009, 03:31:02 pmCan I ask the DiL's on this site to answer a question? and be honest.
How would you feel if as soon as your got married your MIL handed you a list of boundaries and this is what it said.

1).Don't come to my house uninvited or unannounced.
2) don't attend my  church, please find your own.
3).We will not be babysitting your future children unless it is an emergency.
4) I am not going into the delivery room with you.
5) you may only spend every other holiday at my house because we rotate.
6). you need to respect my privacy.
7) you may only visit my home once a week unless it is a special occasion


1. That's common courtesy, and I expect the same from them.
2. I'm not Christian, so that's not even remotely a problem. :P
3. I'm not having children, so again, not a problem.  I wouldn't expect them to babysit even if I were to have children, however; they have jobs and lives of their own.
4. I wouldn't want them there.
5. Honestly, my ILs are pretty terrible cooks, so I'd much rather go to my mom and dad's for a meal I know I'll be able to eat (I have a lot of issues with foods that might kill me).
6. Of course I do!  Mutual respect all around!
7. Sounds good to me.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if I got a list of rules from my ILs.  They're control freaks.  Fortunately they live half a continent away and haven't visited in five years.  ;D  Having previously had issues with my ILs, I would absolutely set down ground rules if they ever came to visit again.  I gave them a chance, and they blew it.

mom2

Fortunately they live half a continent away and haven't visited in five years.

Assling, ( sp )

I can see why they haven't visited you in five years.. no wonder.  As far as you not being a Christian.. that is obvious !!

You want to talk about all the mean things your husbands mother did to him but you are doing something just as bad by taking his family out of his life; and if your reply would be that DH doesn't want them in his life just save it.

You seem to be very bitter and you don't want to work on your issues with your in laws.. you want to bash  Mothers.

Your posts are just mean and ugly; there are other dils on here that certainly don't act like that !! That's such a waste.

Aisling

Very Freudian typo with my name, there, mom2.  Please, don't hold back.

I have done absolutely nothing to take my sweetie away from his FOO.  I offered to move out there; he chose to move here.  My family and I hosted them as generously as we could both times they came out to visit; they chose to be rude. 

The first time they came to visit, I asked them to wait a few months because I was very sick and my doctors thought I might need surgery.  I knew I'd be in no shape to be entertaining, or even to visit with people I hardly knew.  They ignored my requests, came anyway, and then got upset when my sweetie chose to stay home and take care of me.  My parents had them over for dinner one of the nights they were visiting, and they insulted my parents, their house, and their cooking--right to my face!

Then a few years later they decided to come visit again.  Again, the timing was bad for us--we had just moved.  As in, we moved into our new condo 2 days before they came out.  Again, we asked them to wait so we'd be able to show off our house.  Again, they refused.  And again they complained because we didn't spend every waking moment entertaining them.  We had other things to do!  But we made time to see them; we spent a day with them visiting a historical sight nearby, we had lunch and dinner with them most every day, and they even got invited to my family's big Christmas eve dinner (at the time it was my grandparent and all my aunts and uncles and cousins, and inlaws from the various families who were available that year).  And again, they insulted everything about it.

Despite all that, and uncountable little everyday insults through the years, I spent years trying to have a better relationship with these people.  I would buy them nice presents for birthdays and holidays and whatnot, I made sure my sweetie remembered to send cards, I made sure he wrote or called from time to time, and was generally a very good DIL.  In return, I was insulted or ignored at every turn.  After a decade, I say enough.  If they want a relationship with my sweetie, that's between him and them.  If they want a relationship with me, they'll have to earn another chance.  They've used up my patience.

If that makes me a bad person in your eyes, well, so be it.  I sleep better at night, because I know I did more than my share.

RedRose

I think if we heard the MIL side it would be much different than yours.
You are a very disrespectful Dil and you are not here to help...there are plenty of sites out there for you.

Aisling

You're right, RedRose, she would probably tell a very different story.  That doesn't automatically mean she's telling the truth.

Ask yourself this: if my MIL loves her son oh so very much, how come she hasn't tried to talk to him once in the last five years?  She knows where we live.  We haven't moved since the last time they visited.  He even has the same email address.  Granted, our phone number has changed, but she had ways of asking for our new number if she wanted to call.

Again, I have done nothing to stop my sweetie from having whatever relationship he chooses to have with his parents.  I've told him I'll support whatever decision he makes, and I always have.

How is that disrespectful?

RedRose

I don't have to automatically believe you are telling the truth either. She is not here to tell her story.

I can also ask why hasn't your husband tried to talk to his mother...he knows where she lives...does he not love her anymore? If you do not get along with her...I believe it would be hard for him to also.

Life is too short...we all need to find ways to get along...

Aisling

December 06, 2009, 08:24:42 am #21 Last Edit: December 06, 2009, 08:42:41 am by Aisling
Why would it be hard for him to call his parents?  If he wanted to, I'd ask him to pass along my regards and leave him alone to talk.  He knows that, because that's what I always did when he used to call.  I've never stopped him, or suggested he stop; quite the opposite.  I spent years nagging him to talk to his parents because "they're family"*.  But, you know, it's not my job to make him have a relationship with people he doesn't like. 

He makes the decisions about relationships in his life, and I make the decisions about relationships in mine.  If we disagree about a person, we know we're both free to pursue a friendship alone without involving the other.  I've had friends he didn't particularly like, and he's had friends of whom I am not fond.  We deal with it.  We're not joined at the hip, and are free and welcome to do things by ourselves when we want.  The only time we interfere is when we think the person in question is a threat to the relationship (like a young woman who was once determined to seduce him away from me) (who apparently cannot take no for an answer and is still periodically bothering us three years later); since his parents are no threat to our relationship, I keep out of it.

I'm not some evil, domineering harpy of a female dog, you know. :P I don't control his life.  I do occasionally have to remind him to take out the garbage, truth be told.  And I frequently have to make him roll over at night so he stops snoring.  But that's about the extent of it.

I don't know why he doesn't call except for what he tells me.  He's never come out and said "I don't love my parents", at least not in my hearing.  It wouldn't entirely surprise me, though it would make me sad, and I wouldn't fault him for it.  She is, from what I've seen and been told, an uncaring and very cold woman.  She has offered nothing positive in his life for a long time.  At some point, he decided that the bonds of blood were not enough to put himself through the pain.  That's his choice.  If he changes his mind someday, that's his choice too.

Frankly, so long as I don't have to talk to them, I don't care.  He can call them, write them, go to the family reunions if he wants.  I don't need to be involved in any of that (and, thanks to my handicaps, I can't go to the reunions anyway).  They never wanted a relationship with me when one was offered, so I don't think they're going to start missing me now.  If they do decide they want a relationship with me at some point, well, we'll see.

*ETA: as has been pointed out, this could confuse people.  Please allow me to clarify: 10 years ago, I thought everyone could be one big happy family.  I pushed my sweetie to try and be a good and dutiful son to his parents, and spent far too much time and energy trying to please my grandparents and other relatives.  It wasn't healthy for either of us.  I have since been disillusioned as to that particular dream, and have come to accept that it's okay.  I don't need all my relatives to approve of me, on either side.  I'm happier and healthier now (in mind and spirit, at least) than I was trying to live my life for other people.

Aisling

Quote from: Anna on December 06, 2009, 08:36:16 am
You are confusing me.  First you say hubby's parents are not family, now you say they are ???


I used to think they were.  I've learned better.

Aisling

My life is decidedly better now.  As much as I'd like to get along better with certain people, I can't force them to give a darn.  The only person I can change it myself.  My choices were to stop being who I am, or stop feeling sorry for myself when they don't like me.  I chose to take care of myself.

just2baccepted

Quote from: Aisling on December 06, 2009, 02:41:27 am



The first time they came to visit, I asked them to wait a few months because I was very sick and my doctors thought I might need surgery.  I knew I'd be in no shape to be entertaining, or even to visit with people I hardly knew.  They ignored my requests, came anyway, and then got upset when my sweetie chose to stay home and take care of me.   



I have a story similar to that as well.  I know I always talk about my MIL and FIL but my FIL is actually my Step FIL.  DH's birth father lives in another state.  DH doesn't have that much to do with him b/c his dad was physically and mentally abusive to him.  DH is very subservient and I guess that's why.  He's told me awful stories about his birth father but he doesn't like to talk about it and will get mad if I try to bring it up.  So now that's an off topic for us.

DH's mom met FIL b/c he was living in a nearby trailer in their trailer park and they ended up getting married.  FIL was an alchohlic so DH said it was unpleasant growing up in both homes.  Very sad.  Dh said his birth father and dad used to get into fist fights after dropping DH off when he was a little boy, I guess they had a huge power struggle.  MIL started having an affair with a married man and she was ready to leave FIL b/c of his drinking but the man she was having the affair with wouldn't leave his family for her so she ended up going back to FIL but they had already gotton divorced and DH and I learned recently that they never got remarried but have been together for 40 years or so.

The story I was going to compare was several years ago I had gone to San Antonio to visit my DH while he was taking a class/military stuff.  DH would arrive home on that Friday and then his birth father and his 4th wife would come to our house and spend the weekend.  The day I arrived home a massive F5 tornado blew through my town and mowed down several neighborhoods in its path.  Here in Oklahoma we call it the May 3rd tornado.  My electricity was knocked off for days.  It got pretty close to my house and I remember asking my mom while we were huddled in the hallway, "that sounds like a airplane."  Little did i know it must have been this massive tornado.  Freaky!!

I left with my mom since it was dark and no air conditioning and when I tried to get back in to my neighborhood the National Guard wouldn't let me back in.   My dog was in a boarding facility and I couldn't' even get to her to get her out.  And I had to call them to make sure the facility was still standing.  By the time I got back in the house two days later, everything in the fridge was spoiled.  I hadn't had a chance to do any grocery shopping or clean the house of get the bed ready for our guests.  So Dh asked his birth father if he could just give us the weekend to get prepped b/c of what happened.  Birth father supposedly seemed ok with it.  So I cleaned out the fridge, went to the store and bought planned out meals for our guests and washed their sheets and got the bed ready.  So the day arrived and we waited and waited and nobody showed up.  Birth father had been visiting other relatives and I guess he got his tail over his back about being asked to come two days later and so he just bypassed our house and went home.  What's sad is DH was trying to work on his relationship with birth father and forgive him for his abusiveness.  I leanred that birth father is as controlling as the stories that DH told me.  To this day DH has very little to do with him.  There's much more to the story but I don't want to bore.

Aisling

J2B, I am so sorry your FIL is such a jerk.  I hope you and your DH have been able to curtail his ability to pull these stunts.

cremebrulee

January 07, 2010, 10:33:51 am #26 Last Edit: January 07, 2010, 10:41:42 am by cremebrulee
I'd like to make a comment on boundaries.....

to each his own or her own....meaning...each and every individual is different, doesn't matter if they are MIL's or DIL's, we each have our own set of household rules, which should be respected, even if we don't agree with them.

Me, I want people to call me before they decide to just stop by...I hate that...reason being, I could have company....or be planning to go away for the day, just as they stop in....or sick, or whatever, but I would like a call first, before anyone stops by, so I can straighten up and make sure I'm showered and ready to go with some coffee, cold drinks and snacks.....

2nd...my MIL used to stop by almost every day, and I hated that...and I wouldn't want my own Mother in the delivery room with me...why would my MIL think she had to be there....

My MIL was very controlling, therefore, I myself set up boundaries and discussed them with her...so, when my son married, I vowed, I would never do the same...and actually backed off....

I remember he called me while they were on they're honeymoon, and I said..."ohhhhh son....listen, I love to hear from you and am so excited and happy for you, but this is your wife's and your special time, so why don't you hang up and call me soon as you get home and tell me all about it".  You see, we used to be close, and he had to get used to putting his wife first, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Also, to the DIL's....every son loves his mother, and there is no other bond like it, and you will know what I mean, when your son's are 15 years and older, while dad's become very close with they're daughters...it is the attraction of the opposite sex which has been clinically proven.

Now....when our son's marry, they are in love with they're wives, and actually love them more then us, but in a very different way...son's will always love they're mothers, but they also have to move on, take a wife and start they're own families and they're own family traditions....

I would strongly suggest, if the mothers of the two want to have holiday traditional dinners, then plan them the Sat before the actual holiday, so that your children are able to spend that time at home with they're children  opening gifts and taking they're time relaxing...instead of running around to everyone's home.

Boy oh boy, I used to really really hate the holidays, as we had to go visit everyone and couldn't relax in our own home once, not once on any holiday...and I had to work the next day...holidays depressed me miserably, due to that....very hectic and I was never in the mood for Christmas, I hated it...
awful time...

And with some people you have to set boundaries, even with friends...otherwise they'd be hanging out at your home all the time, and I wouldn't want that....

I had a problem with my brother in law, stopping by, and it drove me nuts...he was looking for a place to hang, he was retired and lazy.  There was nothing going on, but b/c he was my sister's husband, I didn't feel comfortable...plus I never knew when he was coming, but it was up to 3 nights a week, so when I came home from work, I wasn't able to take off my bra, throw on a t-shirt and sweats and relax...so, I put a stop to it but quick...now, I told him and my sister both, he doesn't come here to visit, unless he is with you.  Why?  Because I didn't like it...

I also have friends who think it's ok to stop by any old time...
that is soooo wrong....so wrong...

Now my closest girlfriend, my cousins and my sister I don't mind them doing so once in a while....

So, please understand...DIL's aren't always trying to be mean, it's just that they think differently about issues like this, and that doesn't make them wrong or us right...they do have a right to they're privacy...with they're husbands...remember, it's they're home...and they deserve the same respect as we expect...

and please also try to remember, our mother's raised us up to believe family was the root of all, and back then, b/c they're wasn't many cars and much travel, families were strong, together a lot and depended on one another.  It's a very different world today...back then, it was a great time..but we have to understand, that life is long gone, never to return, and if we dont' evolve with the times and understand it, then we stagnate ourselves...insisting to resist change is very debilitating....to all involved.




just2baccepted

Creme you totally have it together. You know?  I still can't understand why DIL's from other sites followed you here or were cruel to you.  Everything I've read that you've said sounds completely logical to me.  I want to recommend a book to you that I recently listened to on audiobook.  I felt so jazzed after I'd leave the gym after listening to this book.  But its called Attracting Terrific People by Lillian Glass.  My opinion is that if you want to attract terrific people then you must be a terrific person yourself otherwise you're going to run off these emotionally healthy/terrific people.  So what I'm trying to say is I think you're probably one of those "terrific" people and that this book gives tips on how to attract other terrific people!  The author says to run the other direction from people who are petty, insecure and jealous.  It was what I needed to hear.  God Bless

isitme?

Creme, I wish you were my FMIL!!!

Actually, I wish I could bundle up a whole bunch of you MILs on this webpage and have that as my FMIL  ;)

2chickiebaby

NO!! Creme can't have you!!  I want you.  Creme, you can have Isitme for 2 and 1/2 days out of the week....I get her the (wait a minute, there are 7 days in a week.  You get her 3 1/2 days and I get her the other 3 1/2)  :)