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How would you feel if

Started by cremebrulee, January 06, 2010, 03:56:14 pm

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cremebrulee

January 10, 2010, 06:33:47 am #15 Last Edit: January 10, 2010, 06:36:20 am by cremebrulee
I believe if I had one wish, more then anything else in the world, I would like to attend counseling together with my DIL and son...

I believe it could be very helpful and I would like to be able to say what I've written about them to they're faces...not to hurt them, and,in a controled manner which is not in anger, but merely talking to them directly...I believe in my heart...DIL would never ever agree, and if I caught her off guard and called her or wrote her a letter, she would take it completely negatively and as personal attacks against her.

I did write her a letter a long time ago...before I sent it, had my dear mother and sister read it, so I was sure there was not a thing in there that was attacking and/or said in the wrong way...
but of course, she became enraged and my son asked me to never do that again...I'm sure it made his life tipsy turvey for a time beings...

I'm just thinking about how nice it would be to be able to talk things thru...

I would love to know, what it was that caused her to hate me so much...so much so, that she would be perfectly happy, if I had no contact with GD?  I mean, even if I were having problems with my MIL, I would never not send her school pictures...she knows I have skype, and yet, she has never had GD call me on Skype...I believe, she is the kind of person thatwhen she dislikes you, she hates you forever and will do everything she can to hurt you? 

I just know, I wouldn't handle things the way she has...not even when I was her age...

cremebrulee

Anna, I do understand...believe me...my son's family says the same thing, and so do his friends...one of his friends apparently told my son not to marry her....but what bothers me is...if she can be that way to me...what is she like to live with?????  Whewww, I cannot imagine???

cremebrulee

QuoteAnna l
No I can't imagine living with her now.  She did live with us for 3 years before she & son got engaged & found a place of their own.  She seemed so sweet back then, but I was such a trusting soul maybe I just didn't see something was amiss.


\Neither did your son...or mine...


QuoteDil drove one of sons friends away, he knows what she is truly like so he has been banned form their lives.  so, so sad to watch. 


ya know why they do that?  Because she knows the friend doesn't like her, therefore, she drives away any support force...she wants to be the only influence on him, and she would definately fear anyone who she knew didn't care for her...which proves her desire for results...b/c most people would feel, OK, he doesn't care for me...but he is my husband's best friend...not everyone can like us, nor can we like everyone, but for my husband's sake, as long as he isn't any harm...it's my husband's choice...it's called tollerate...
Quote
I still talk to sons friend, & he can't believe that son lets dil treat him like she does, & my hubby's cousin is apalled at our sons treatment of us.  Can't believe son would keep grandkids from us because of his wife.  Cousin knows the relationship we had with our children, how open & loving it was, so she is floored.


same here...isn't it rather ironic how they all run the same pattern?



sadDIL

Thanks Creme. I know I haven't been the ideal DIL but they haven't been ideal ILs either. They have posted blogs on the internet about how awful I am and DS is dead to them as long as he is with me. It will always be a blame game, but for 3 1/2 years I have tried to no avail to have contact with them. They won't speak to DS or grandchildren either. They just send them $50 at Christmas addressed to DS and them. I don't know whether to give up or keep trying. I am like some of you - it eats away at me nonstop. I think about this all the time. DH cannot fathom why it bothers me so bad and for the life of me, I can't either. Maybe I need counseling to learn to let go.

cremebrulee

January 11, 2010, 04:14:03 am #19 Last Edit: January 11, 2010, 04:25:57 am by cremebrulee
Quote from: sadDIL on January 10, 2010, 02:47:26 pm
Thanks Creme. I know I haven't been the ideal DIL but they haven't been ideal ILs either. They have posted blogs on the internet about how awful I am and DS is dead to them as long as he is with me. It will always be a blame game, but for 3 1/2 years I have tried to no avail to have contact with them. They won't speak to DS or grandchildren either. They just send them $50 at Christmas addressed to DS and them. I don't know whether to give up or keep trying. I am like some of you - it eats away at me nonstop. I think about this all the time. DH cannot fathom why it bothers me so bad and for the life of me, I can't either. Maybe I need counseling to learn to let go.


Yanno, this really upsets me...it would be so easy to be friends and keep peace, but I really do believe people like this, never get what life is all about...they have known nothing but controversay and negativity all they're lives, therefore, they try and bring everyone else down to they're level, it makes them feel superior.  I will tell you true...some of the stuff I've read on the DIL hate sites, literally makes me cry for they're MIL's they're husbands, etc.  You can tell the DIL's who are sincere...but the name calling and swearing, is unbelievable.  And believe me, I know there are MIL's that are very difficult and dysfunctional...but there are just not enough sites out there for MIL's. 

There are DIL's in here who are decent people, who like you have tried and tried...and they can also help you...but the ones who swear, and carry on saying they hate this person and that?  Or they come into the MIL forums to read us so they can use what we say and how we hurt to further hurt they're own MIL's...quit frankly, I would stay away from them...or those who refuse to see that maybe they have been somewhat responsible for the problems that occur. 

People like you who take ownership, when in all actuality, I don't believe you did do anything to cause this...are the ones who are good people and caring...who want to work things out.  Your Good People and never think otherwise! 

Men do not understand the close connections women have.  Have you ever heard a woman say, "I wish I had a husband who was like my best girlfriend...?"  Men are incapable of understanding the gut wrenching feelings and emotions women go thru....plus, they surely cannot take the stress we woman can swallow....so they ignore most situations and forget about it...if they can to move forward...we are just wired differently. ;D

The only advise I can give you is, to never let go of hope...however, have no expectations either....candidly, it sounds like they will never be what you'd like them to be, and we all would like to be liked and have a close family tie....but, when someone treats you so miserably, it's best not to hold onto it you can....I know it hurts, deeply, and it's there constantly...and some days you'll have good days, while other days will be pretty darn poopy....but heres the thing....there is an exercise I try and do, when I get down about this....and it does help....I first understand, how my DIL grew up...and it's very sad...your inlaws probably grew up the same way...or your MIL and your FIL only goes along with her otherwise they're might be you know what to pay?  Then I silently tell my DIL I love her...over and over again...and then I think of the things I do have, and energize on that...and I do have so much to be thankful for....mainly, my son's alive...and I remember what a wonderful kid he was...not to mention, what a giving man and husband he is now....

Also, I would use this as a learning lesson and be sure to teach your kids what to look for when they choose a life mate....

When and this isn't always the case...but a lot of times, when a person came from a bad background, where there is no emphasis on education and career....where there is a history of Alcohole, physical abuse, mental and verbal abuse or drugs...that person will enter into a relationship with baggage and corrode the relationship right from the start.

Teach them what to look for...how the person they are choosing for a life mate, looks at the rest of the world...are they interested in furthering they're education/careers or are they simply looking for someone to take care of them?  You see, a lot of women were trained that they're only purpose in life is to get married, have kids and have the husband take care of them....teach them to observe they're mates to be, and listen to how they talk to they're parents and about other people....listen to see if they are negative, forgiving, if they complain alot...if they are withdrawn and insecure...b/c mental compatibility in a realationship is most important....

We can talk more on this later...but let it be known, I didn't discuss these things with my son....and I was told by many of his friends just of late, that for some reason, he always wanted to date the really beautiful women..?  He didn't look for what was inside...and he also, if you've read my other posts, has the influnence of his step mother, (who is very much like his wife)...for many years....therefore, he deems my DIL's behavior normal..which is beyond my comprehension, but, we humans really do tend to blind ourselves when it comes to love....

And when you have those down times, or a situation happens that adds fuel to aching heart...come in here and vent...and all these ladies will be there for you, believe you me...they are wonderful girls....

Oh, and by the way, no one is the ideal MIL or DIL...the difference is, there are a whole lot of people out there who look past the faults of others...instead of using they're faults against them....none of us is perfection....and we all own problems and baggage...but, it is who we are, our significant selves which makes up our identity...who we are...people who can look past those faults and still like you or love you, are mature, confident people who have intelligence, compassion and kindness.  So, don't beat yourself up...I think it's very honorable of you to want to fix this bad thing with your inlaws...and they are the loosers here....not you....

Hugs and love
Creme

cocobars

SadDIL, I agree with creme.  Her post was so insightful and true!  I'm sorry you are having such problems with your IL's!  You obviously care and that's important.  Concentrate on your life with your husband and try to leave the rest behind, if you can.  Look at what you have!

isitme?

Hi SadDIL,
I'm another sad DIL (well, FDIL) that's been on this webpage and gotten a lot of support and advice from the ladies here.  I also think Cremebrulee is right - not to have any expectations.  I've reached that point with my own future IL's because I've tried and I've tried and they will just never accept me.  I've come to terms with it but what I"m having problems with now is how it makes me feel when my BF expects me to keep chasing their approval.  I also feel really angry when I see him chasing their approval because he's not going to get it either...  but that's something I need to let him deal with.  It sounds like this bothers you much more than it bothers your husband.  I hope you are able to focus on the life you have together and not let your in-laws hurt you so much.  Sometimes it's hard to let go of the guilt because you feel like you are the cause of all the conflict going on around you - but you know you have tried your best and the MILs here are good at reminding us of that.  One of my advisors has a saying "just do your best because it's the best you can do".  It sounds to me like you have done that.