I genuinely want to know what you think.

[holliberri]

Yeah, I think there are big differences between major surgery and child birth. Plus, I was in labor for 26 hours. I KNOW there were relatives that went into the waiting room without  my permission, but the baby outlasted them...they gave up and went home.  The doctor even went out at one point and told them that while I could have all the meds to help me sleep, he couldn't give them any, and he didn't see the point in them being there. They lasted 4 more hours after that and then decided their own beds were way more comfortable than chairs.

He also sent my DH home until dead heat, so to speak. He said there just wasn't any point in DH being there for all that time to be exhausted along with me when we were just waiting, and that so long as I was comfortable, DH could go home while I tried to dilate.

It actually worked out b/c instead of entertaining my DH playing cards and watching TV, I wrote my term paper.

[Pen]

I'm not sure I'll want to sit in the waiting room either. However, if I do want to, the mother-to-be won't have control over who sits in the waiting room/gift store/hospital cafeteria/cafe across the street which are all considered public spaces, although she would definitely have control over who is in the labor/delivery room. Control what you can and let go of what you can't.

[holliberri]

Doesn't it depend on the motive behind the waiting in the waiting room?  To just hear news about the baby is one thing. Fine, go home, let mom and baby rest.

But, if it is during visiting hours, the hospital I was at would have allowed you to hold the baby (so long as the dad was there), often before the mother did (if she was on the mend from a c-section). Something about that doesn't sit quite right with me. I'm having visions of distant relatives taking photos ops with the baby before mom is even out of surgery. And, I've read the horror stories on here...it has happend.

I think for many excited GPs, the point of hanging out in the waiting room (for hours, even days on end) during child birth is not so much about the mom-to-be as it is about the newborn baby. In that case, sitting at home and waiting to be invited to see/hold the baby is best, I think.

[LaurieS]

Sitting in a waiting room doesn't seem to be offensive, it's just that many feel that if they sat there then they are entitled to come into the room and see the baby and/or new mother at some point. 

[holliberri]

Yeah, I think you got it, Laurie.

So long as GPs/Aunt/Uncles/Best friends realize that sitting in the waiting room to hear some news does not mean they should be visiting with the new family afterwards since they waited out out, I don't see a problem.

But, there are some folks that take a mile when you give them an inch. Plus, folks in the waiting room means that the new Dad has to come out and deliver good news, when he himself could be with the baby. Then, instead of accepting the good news, some folks play the game of 50 questions, further keeping dad fom checking on mom and baby. I didn't need DH before baby, but after surgery, I needed help with everything. I've never felt so helpless.

[pam1]

Ahhh but that's the thing Pen.  the way DH and I are doing it will control who is what and where.  But I feel we are backed into a corner and will have to do it this way.

I think normal people or relationships sitting in a waiting room is no big deal.  But if someone told you no...why would you continue?  It seems to me that the benefit won't out weight the cost.  So you might get a glimpse of the baby or hold the baby before Mom but ugh, the waiting room won't be there forever.  So when Mom gets out and heals and starts actively parenting and the grandparent is shut out....what will be the excuse then?  There is no waiting room for them

[pam1]

Oh gosh, yes Holli.  50 questions, please come out and talk to us..when can we see the baby?  Dad, do you want to go eat?  When can I come back?  What are they doing to her?  What is going on?

It's just not the time

[LaurieS]

When my first was born, he had some problems... after going through a natural childbirth, they drugged me just to knock me out as they couldn't deal with me and a baby in great need ... one of the first things that I was told was that my baby could have possibly suffered from lack of oxygen and it was possible that he had suffered some brain damage, he was being tested and they would bring him in to me soon.

The 50 question game would have been beyond me at that point and all my dh wanted to do was to stare at me and make sure that I was handling everything.  I don't think that he would have been up to dealing with his parents much less mine. 

[pam1]

Laurie, that is very similar with what happened with my SIL.  It was a nightmare for her.  When she checked in to the hospital and news traveled around, MIL kept calling DH and I demanding we take the day off of work to come sit in the waiting room.  We were the only ones who resisted and this was all after SIL requested they not do that.  And then she went all through the craziness of birth and something might be wrong with the baby and the in laws demanding their fair due all at the same time.  I just can't imagine what they were thinking

Holli was right, it was all about the newborn baby and not the mother.  When we all know birth is not just about a baby.  It seems like it's a complete lack of consideration for another human being.  So what if you can do it?  Why would you?

It reminds me of this other DIL on another forum.  Her MIL has been stalking her children, they have the police involved and everything at this point.  It seems to me that claiming that they can sit in the waiting room or any other public place just because they *can* is one step away from stalking.  Doing what this deranged MIL is doing will be the next step, driving by daycare, sitting in the parking lots etc.  She *can* do it, it's all public places after all. 

[lancaster lady]

It's up to the new parents to state what they want before the baby is born , that way no one is upset .
It's such a tender moment for new parents , it should be for them only .
If the new dad needs back up for any reason , then he could summon help and support.
Even though they mean well , I wouldn't want everyone handling my newborn .

[Pooh]

It is so amazing all the different ways of thinking about the same situation.  That's why I so love this site.  I agree with all of you that if you say no, it should be no.  I guess it just never bothered me how many people sat in a waiting room.  It also didn't bother me for them to come in afterwards and hold the babies.  I totally agree that if you don't want people there, they should honor your wishes.  It's just not something that bugged me.

[Pen]

As one who has given birth more than once I also believe that if the couple states their preference for people to stay away, it would be nice if their wishes were honored. As one who will be a GP one day, I can think of better ways to spend my time than in a waiting room.

My point is that the waiting room isn't the same as the labor/delivery/post-labor room. Just because someone is in a hospital waiting room doesn't give them the right to barge in after the baby is born; hospital staff will abide by the new parents wishes, so I don't know what the fear is. The waiting room of a hospital is a public place where lots of people sit and well, wait. I don't think a woman in labor has control over the waiting room any more than she has control over any other part of the hospital, the parking lot, the restaurant nearby, etc. Even if you have a home birth, you can't control who drives down the street or sits in a parked car down the block unless perhaps you're royalty or a major celeb, and even then it's iffy.

It's probably tacky & awkward to sit and wait when the couple has said not to, but it's not illegal or in violation of most hospitals policies.

New parents have the right to say what goes on in labor & delivery, and at their home upon return with the new baby. Other than that, people have a right to move around the nation at will, like it or not. Some will make classy choices and honor the wishes of the new parents. Others will not, but again it's not illegal, just obnoxious.

[holliberri]

I knew what you meant, Pen.

The waiting room for maternity in my hospital was smack in between the maternity ward and the surgery room.

Just logistics, and I didn't go in planning to have a c-section, but DH had to walk right by the waiting room with DD to get back to the maternity room after surgery after I did wind up having one. In thinking about it, I'm glad no one was there, and so was DH.

In that situation, there is no stopping interuption from caring family members should they see you walk by.

So, I think that is why the waiting room is a sticking point for me. Although, I'm not sure it was before I went into labor...I had no idea where the surgery room was.

[pam1]

Pen, I don't think we are saying much differently.  Yes, people can do that.  Unless the parents know beforehand and they stop the information train before it even gets started.

And, the difference is that there will be consequences from doing something like that.  The mother will not be comfortable with the offenders, they often will get less time with gc in return.  You can't expect to treat anyone the way you want to just because it's legal and expect them not to tailor how they treat you. 

So, sure it's all legal and that jazz.  But it doesn't mean you will get what you want in return.

I'm not so sure that just waiting there won't harm someone if they explicitly told you not too.  Holli has explained how it could have happened in her case, I saw what my SIL went through.  I remember people being specifically told in my SMs case that they had to leave the room when she breastfed b/c they were too dumbstruck and excited on their own they couldn't remember she wasn't just a birthing cow.  People can act really stupid at times

[pam1]

I forgot to add with my SM that at that hospital, unless they specifically named you, often times you were let through the maternity ward.  So my uncles name wasn't on the forbidden list and he was allowed through to her room.  And just sat there like a donkey while she was trying to breastfeed and stuff.  He had to literally be told forcefully to leave. 

There are so many stories like this that women have to go through with birth.  I'm just so surprised that other women aren't more protective of their kind.