My three adult children hate me.

[luise.volta]

Please take a step back and a deep breath and consider whether this is a site where you fit. Read many threads and many posts before you decide. It isn't a debate site or a right/wrong site. It is a gentle and loving support site. We are candid and helpful because that's what we need from others. We disagree without judgment. It's not for everyone.

[cadagi101]

Maria Trobe,  I will say and it is in absolute support for Broken Hearted Mother and not to bait you.  I mean that and I hope so much aren't offended.  We do all have differing opinions on this site  so I am able to express mine also.   

To get the full picture it is very important to read original posts.   That is the only way one can reply with understanding of a situation.  if after reading the OP you feel the same way..so be it.     That is your opinion and it did sound very harsh as no-one can be honest and say they haven't made mistakes in their life.  My sister has been married 3x's and was verbably abused and I hope not but do not know if it was ever physical.    That is something i will never know but is always possible. My sister is  a trier and I respect her greatly she is always looking for the answer and may never find true happiness because  sadly she looks to the past and feels she has failed.      (when in reality she hasn't failed maybe been uknlucky in life through no fault of her own.)  I admire many of BHM achievements.   Also we can believe what BHM say's because we feel  her sadness and hearbreak...and we don't judge our cyber buddies  we need each other and we look after each other.     If mistakes have been made by BHM (as with all of us)....in the past, that's where they will stay.... in the past and we all need to move forward without harsh judgement      Bravo to BHM for posting to us.     As for guns well my god accidents happen just to often and I worry everytime my son goes pig shooting.      BMW stick with us you will find support here.   

[Keys Girl]

I may be a newbie, but I'm not stupid.   I'm not saying this to be harsh, but look at the reality of the situation.

There was another poster on here who said her story had a number of holes in it.  I agree.  I think if she wants a relationship with her kids, she needs to take ownership of the fact they weren't raised in the greatest home, and hopefully, she is making much better choices.

One of the continuing drawbacks of being a single parent is that you are continually called upon to pick up the slack for everyone else's negligence (financial and emotional) and are an easy target for criticism.  It doesn't matter if it was the greatest home, many people grow up in chaotic homes, in neighborhoods where they dodge bullets every day and turn out just fine.  Look at Jennifer Hudson.  Her brother and mother were killed by her sister's estranged boyfriend who had a gun.  If you want to pass on some of your "not harsh" assessments, I suggest you give her a call.

If the children of single parents don't wish to keep in touch with their custodial parent they may not necessarily be shielding themselves from further hurt but rather extracting a form of punishment on the only parent they had and could trust when they were growing up.  That's the way it works.  I learned that when my son was young and a psychologist told me he would never fight with his father because he knew the bonds he had with him were so fragile, but the bond he had with me was so strong so he would vent on me.  Twenty five years later, some things haven't changed.

So for future reference, please read all the posts and if you have any judgmental advice, call the Pope, he'll pass it on and remember, when you point the finger at someone else you always have at least 3 fingers pointed back at yourself.

[luise.volta]

MTB: It's clear that we gather around and protect anyone judged here. That's because it's not out intent to have that happen. We come here wounded, looking for understanding.

In the upper right-hand corner of the Home Page the little write up ends with: "We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts...and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

I would like to suggest that you are not quite ready and when you are, please share your challenges with us. You will find that the responses are wisdom, not judgment. 

Thank you.

[Mariatobe]

Look, I'm all for being supportive of my sister women.  I also realize we have to take at face value a lot of what women write here.  There's a lot that BHW wrote that is commendable, but when I read it, I thought there were too many fine details missing, deliberate or not, for me.  Something made all these children react badly.  I would strongly suggest family counseling for all of them to see if they can reach a healthier relationship.  I hope they can someday become a good, happy, loving, supportive family.

That was what stilltryen wrote.  I totally agree.  You can be supportive.  But you can also give tough love.  It wasn't my intention to be harsh, only, her kids were children when some of this happened.  You can't erase that out of your  head.  I know a woman who's 48 years old , was molested by her mother's husband, and to THIS DAY, has a hard time dealing with it.  She blames her mother for not stopping it.  She's been on and off drugs, has 3 children to 3 different men.  She LOVES her mother, but in the back of her head, STILL blames her.  Is this rational?  Should she let it go?  I can't answer that, as I can't imagine living with those images in my head the rest of my life.  That is what I am saying about the original poster.  We can be supportive.  But with some of that comes personal responsibility, not blaming everyone else, but taking a deep look inside yourself.  Because I think she needs counseling to help her out of the dark pit she is currently in.  I think it would help get her back in control.  If her kids see that, then they may come around.  But she let someone live at her house recently with issues, and had guns in the house.  My husband has guns, and never ONCE did they "accidently" go off.  If her adult children have kids, they have to protect them.  Period.  I think she would benefit from outside counseling.  I hope it helps. 
But, I believe like stilltryen does.  There are some holes in her story.   Something made her kids react badly.  I hope she does get her life on track.  Only then will a reunion happen.  I think of it as more of  a tough love approach than being harsh.  Sorry if it offends some people.

[Pooh]

I hope you understand that we welcome different viewpoints and opinions here, but when someone new comes in and they very harshly criticize a poster, right off the bat, and have not even offered some of their own history first, it is hard to take.  I have seen where people come in, blast someone and then leave.  So I am very glad to see you stayed and offered your explanation. 

Some things do happen even if you have not experienced it personally.  I also have an arsenal in my home, and no accidental shootings.  But over my career, we have had at least 5 truly accidental shootings.  It doesn't happen often (and most people will argue nothing is accidental, even wrecks) but more "accidental" in the sense a stupid error in judgement.  Not on purpose.  Most were when someone was cleaning a weapon and didn't clear it first.   So it does happen and we can't make assumptions.  Also I hope you never experience it, but some children do lash out and can react badly for no real reasons.  Many of us here are dealing with adult children who are doing just this.   

[tryingmybest]

I know what I get from Wisewomen is that we all know of course there are always two sides to a story, but when someone reaches out in pain they need to feel support so they can start to heal, and start to make good choices. I love this place !

[stilltryen]

Yikes Maria!  I certainly didn't mean to dump on BHM.  The only way I figure to solve my own issues is to try and see both sides, and that's what I did in this case.  (No, I'm not always successful, but do try!)  Sometimes folks have a lot of history that they simply don't want to share - and that's their right.  Sure, I said that we didn't know it all, but at least BHM wrote it down, she seems to be sincere in attempting to work it through and get it all back together, and I guess that's really what counts.  I think when everyone posts on here, they point out the problem and then try to figure out where things went wrong.  Was it when they made a comment to DIL that was taken out of context?  Was it when they refused to help their children with money, etc.?  BHM seemed to pick up things from "the last few years."  She was missing a lot of history that must have happened previous to that, as her children are now 38, 29 & 26.  If I had been close to my mom until, say 28, then she started making bad decisions, I wouldn't hate her.  I think I'd try harder and fight to make sure she understood she'd taken the wrong fork in the road.  That's why I thought that perhaps these issues might have been brewing for far longer.  I don't know, but if someone posts on here, I figure they're trying to get advice, encouragement, etc. and that's always a promising start.   

Also, as one does tend to write based on personal experiences, I must also admit my answer partly reflected that.  My friend did the same thing.  She worked 2-3 jobs while going to college (hubby left her for another woman, moved away across country, never saw the kids again and rarely ever provided child support).  She had two kids and later told me her children had suffered immensely.  Her son and daughter were both molested by babysitters, her daughter was raped, both children had kids in high school (actually neither of them graduated either), it was very hard and that family went through a ton of counseling to make it through. 

[Keys Girl]

Also, as one does tend to write based on personal experiences, I must also admit my answer partly reflected that.  My friend did the same thing.  She worked 2-3 jobs while going to college (hubby left her for another woman, moved away across country, never saw the kids again and rarely ever provided child support).  She had two kids and later told me her children had suffered immensely.  Her son and daughter were both molested by babysitters, her daughter was raped, both children had kids in high school (actually neither of them graduated either), it was very hard and that family went through a ton of counseling to make it through.

I would like to point out that it's not only the children of single parents who suffer sexual abuse.  There's many a "close knit" family with a lecherous uncle or other relative and there are many babysitters who are not molesting the children of single parents or people who are still a couple.

[stilltryen]

@keys girl, re:  "I would like to point out that it's not only the children of single parents who suffer sexual abuse.  There's many a "close knit" family with a lecherous uncle or other relative and there are many babysitters who are not molesting the children of single parents or people who are still a couple."

You are absolutely correct, and I believe that's a given.  However, if you read from the beginning, that's exactly what this woman did.  Was left with 3 kids, went back to school, etc.  I was drawing from a parallel experience.  I also did not mean to infer that this is what happened to BHM's children.  I was merely pointing out that BHM is having problems with her adult children not caring about her, and my point was that there may (or may not) be a lot of history in the background that might have led up to this sorry state of affairs. 

[Simply Mom]

I read your story and am sorry you are going through this pain. I am too going through something very similar. I send a prayer up for you. I understand the pain of unconditional love not returned after so much given and sacrificed for our kids.

[Pen]

Simply Mom, welcome. I hope you have the posting thing fixed. I'm sorry you are going through whatever it is that led you here, but I'm glad you found us. This site has helped many of us get a grip on our lives after some very sudden, confusing, hurtful  occurrences with our adult children. Take care and keep posting!

[me1ody]

Hello everyone, it was only that I Googled "Why do my children hate me." because mine do, that I realized I was not alone.  It started for me with my ex-husband poisoned their minds against me.  I always wondered why anyone would want to turn a child against a parent.  It is not as though I am a monster with 3 heads, or even a drug addict or a drunk.  I appreciate the responses I have read and even though I cannot change my children I have to focus on moving forward.  I have been without them for 14 years now so I don't expect them to change.  Part of me doesn't even hope anymore.  I am trying to stay positive.  Wonderful husband, great job, new house and so much love to give. 

[Pooh]

Welcome me1ody.  I've never understood either why anyone would poison a child's mind the other parent, or anyone for that matter.  Using children as pawns and weapons takes a very insecure, ugly-souled person.  Stick around and keep reading and you will truly see you are not alone.  So sorry you have been going through this for 14 years, and yes...you deserve to move forward. 

[holliberri]

Hi Me1ody,

I am so sorry for what you've had to go through. I think staying positive is a good thing and the ladies around here are certainly able to help you do that! Welcome!