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My three adult children hate me.

Started by BROKENHEARTMOTHER, December 16, 2010, 03:51:54 PM

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stilltryen

You know, I haven't been on here in a while, but was reading about the adult children hating her - and while everyone here was rallying around the "brokenhearted mother," I'm thinking, "Whaaaa?"  She said she was working 3 jobs, maybe the kids felt abandoned, maybe one of the sitters did something they shouldn't have.  BHM doesn't mention a husband, the father of these children.  Where was he in the picture?  Maybe the kids got tired of seeing her beat up every other month, maybe they got tired of imploring her to quit getting involved with these losers, only to see her back in the ER a month later.  Think about it.  It would tear me up to keep seeing my mother beat the living crap out of, especially as she states, "abusive relationships," as in plural, as in more than one.  I imagine it tore them up as well.  She said she didn't see her brother for 23 years.  What if there's more to the brother that we're not privy to?  What if there's more to her family background?

Look, I'm all for being supportive of my sister women.  I also realize we have to take at face value a lot of what women write here.  There's a lot that BHW wrote that is commendable, but when I read it, I thought there were too many fine details missing, deliberate or not, for me.  Something made all these children react badly.  I would strongly suggest family counseling for all of them to see if they can reach a healthier relationship.  I hope they can someday become a good, happy, loving, supportive family.

And as for unconditional love, I've always had it from my family, I've always given it to my family.  Even my DIL, even when she is being a pill.  :-)

luise.volta

One of the most wonderful things about posting here is sharing our diverse perceptions, right? And one of the hardest things about posting here is sharing our diverse perceptions, as well. We post with our filters in place and we read the same way. And still...and still...for some reason, much of the time it works.  (Much, not all.)

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

stilltryen

Courtney, I had to smile when I read "this site has not been about if I was actually, the kind, good hearted, hard working, generous, attentive, non-smothering, supportive and generally around best mother I believe I can be...nor has it been about if I am not the greatest mother I think I am to my younger daughter now in her life. Or does she have legitimate gripes and resentments toward me from long ago..." - because I think it sort of is.  Nobody in life is perfect.  One can give absolute love to another human being, pure and neverending, and guess what?  You still make mistakes!  No one on earth is perfect.  Sometimes when we think we're going the right thing, it turns out years later, nope, that was the biggest mistake.

I think this site is to vent, seek guidance, advice, offer solutions that might have worked for you, etc., etc.  Sometimes someone offers a fresh perspective that I previously never even thought of.  It may come from their own background and experience that the rest of us never had.  You may get support, you may get questions, you may get a lot of different responses, but I think they're all worthy of reading because each individual took the time to respond.  I think Luise has done a marvelous job here and I can't thank her enough.  We all just need to keep our minds open about each post, I think there's much validity because they all come from each person's experiences in life.

Frankly, I'm willing to bet that regarding your motherhood, you were actually the kindest, good hearted, hard working, generous, attentive, non-smothering, supportive and generally all-around best mother you could be.  I genuinely believe we all strive to be that to our children. 

neecee

Keys Girl - you make me laugh out loud!!!  I am working so hard to be a big girl and all spiritual and truly that is my goal and I know that there is my path....but you say what the other part of me is thinking!
I had what I felt was a really mean thought..."I hope they have ten kids!  and then they can try to blend those with ten others in a second marriage!  and then feed them and work nights and be at soccer games and ...and..."  You are a good soul dear. Yippee!  It is good to have a Mean Snakey moment!

Today, my daughter in law who is a very dear friend and I were talking about a spiritual boat that I could mediate upon.  I would send this boat across the water to other DIL and see if we can gently bring her across this vast water that has been created between us.  Well...then my DIL said "I want to send a boat that is really little and she can barely fit her skinny butt in it and some cold water gets on her...and and..."  I guess we can see where that was going.  And then I just laughed more! 

We know the truth my dear, but dear heavens it is good to just get down and dirty some days!!!
We are just human after all!!!

Keys Girl

Neecee, I moved a few years ago and came across a few boxes of cancelled cheques, the cheques that I wrote to send my son to all kinds of summer camps, etc.etc.  I had forgotten how difficult it had been to try to make it on my own and do the best that I could for him.  It must have been very difficult for him, but his father never acted in any kind of responsible way.  Today his father is still telling his son what a disappointment he is while his father now has all kinds of money, never having paid child support.  I carried a huge burden of debt for many, many years just to provide the basics that my son never knew about.  There were lot of other difficulties that he never knew about.  I wouldn't even date anyone who wouldn't treat him well and never remarried.  Frankly at this point in time, after 30 years of doing the best that I can with a very difficult set of circumstances, I'm not prepared to put myself out anymore for him.  I did the best I could with a bad bunch of cards and played the hand as best as I could by working hard, and giving him an example that included values of honesty and kindness.  If the cupcake is marrying a man who will treat her with some love and affection, it is because he learned that from me.  That he doesn't have any time for me unless there is some money coming his way is a huge disappointment, and maybe he didn't absorb all of my values or maybe this is such a mess that he's punishing both parents for his difficult childhood.

No matter, it's a new year, and as the words of a song "Never lose hope"......."Tomorrow is New Years Day, the past has done it's worst"......it seems to me that so many women in my shoes have so many regrets about what they didn't do.  As far as I'm concerned, I did my best.  If my best wasn't good enough for him and he's going to be resentful for the rest of his life, so be it.  There were times when I could have given him up for adoption when he was a teenager and I wish I had signed him into the army.....but effectively he's been adopted (and enjoying it, it seems) by his bride to be and his "new" family.

I have been adopted too.  By the globe that I'm still walking on, not hooked up to a machine with a heart attack, not thankfully going for chemo and worrying about wether I'll be here in a week or a day or a month.

An hour can make a difference, a car accident or some other unexpected event can take you off the planet.  With every day that goes by, I feel better, my blood pressure is slowly dropping and I'm ditching the other few toxic people in my life and enjoying the company of the many new people that have come in. 

Life is short, ya gotta play hard while you can.  I've done my crying (for a while, Christmas was tough, but next year it will be easier).  I'm considering changing my email address and phone number to preserve the peace and quiet that I'm coming to get used to and when you are out there having as much fun as you can well, there is less time for sitting around giving yourself a hard time over someone else's decisions on how to live his life.

Yes, I do have my days (once in a blue moon) where I would like my son and the cupcake to see exactly how difficult is was and how many nights I lay awake worrying about how I was going to get it all done and pay for everything on my meager salary, without any education and my own family who had pegged me the "loser" because I was a single parent.

I'm retired now, with a tiny pension, and the ability to make people laugh on paper and in person.  I've buried far too many good friends at early ages and my friends are now having strokes.  I don't know how many more years I'll have on the planet (without some huge health issues), but like I wrote once before, "These boots are made for walking" and my boots aren't sitting at home, while I drop tear stained tissued into my waste paper basket.  The women on this forum, Luise in particular have helped me enormously.  A friend of mine who died recently wrote me a letter and warned me that guilt as a weapon that he had seen used to turn good people into pawns by adult children and warned me not to walk down that path as he knew me well.  I treasure that letter and it was the anchor that kept me from believing that I deserved all the crap that has been thrown my way.

That my son and future daughter in law are now controlling people whose cruelty is emotional abuse is not my fault.  Never once when my son was growing up did I ever say "Well, let's turn him into someone that OJ Simpson would be proud of", quite the contrary.

It didn't work out well so far.  At this point, I don't have any motivation for me to give them or anyone else the opportunity to add even a teaspoon of misery to my life.  Misery loves company and I'm already pulling on my dancing boots to head for the door!!

Living well is the best revenge!!
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

This is a day to know that you are going to live and beyond that you are going to thrive. This is a day to know that you aren't alone in your imperfection but have a lot of imperfect friends here. This a a day to know you are more than your biological roll...whether seen in a positive light or not. This is a day to know you are loved.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Hang in there courtney, you are stronger than you think!  Just the statement you made "I could use warmer climates as an excuse-they don't have to know it's because I have a selfish brat for a younger daughter" tells me you have come miles in your journey of not trying to figure it out, but accept it for what it is. 

And I will join Luise in a motto:  "I am perfectly imperfect!"

Big, HUMONGOUS hugs to you Courtney!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

January 13, 2011, 01:45:56 PM #23 Last Edit: January 13, 2011, 01:53:55 PM by cremebrulee
BHM
Welcome, and I'm very very sorry your kids feel the way they do, they are missing out on the best person in they're lives...shame on them...some day, they will be sorry, and by the way...
Yes you are a strong woman, and a beauty at that...they may not appreciate you, however, I do, not to mention, I'm very proud of what you've done with your life, and for the choices you've made...
BRAVO Lady!!!!

Your a keeper and yes, good luck with the job....

just adding one bit of advice....you have to learn how to be alone, and enjoy the company you keep...in other words, I'm alone, but not lonely in the least....the more women who I've talked to who have lost they're husbands, say, they would never marry again....they love they're independence and want to spend the rest of they're lives, pleasing themselves...and it's so true, the longer your alone, the more you enjoy it....


neecee

AMEN Sisters!!
I flip between being the wimpy door mat still feeling sad and the furious wicked stepmother wishing I had a few poison apples to give away!  The sweetest revenge is to live a great life! A great life doesn't involve either one of those personas. I think we should all just live as joyously and authentically as possible. I also think a life of service to others can be incredibly healing.  I am going to do my best with some way to give to others this year.  A grateful smile can go a long way.
Go Ladies!!

Faithlooksup

Goooooo Sisters Amen......I am happily divorsed~~21 years...I LOVE my freedom and come and go as I please, if I am late, I dont get the third degree from anyone as to my where abouts etc.  Dinner does not have to be on the table at a certain time...you have to learn how to be alone in order to be with others.   2011 is the year of me.......
Sending Hugs to you...Faith

Pen

Good thread - love the upbeat advice and hopeful statements. This site is amazing! I love my WWU sisters.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

LaurieS

January 16, 2011, 08:14:22 PM #28 Last Edit: January 16, 2011, 08:21:34 PM by Laurie
Now Now Now Luise... you really must be more careful with your postings... your post was the first on page three, but it just didn't quite reflex what you were really trying to say :)



luise.volta

The last post was "I love my WWU sisters." And I said "Me, Too!" So shoot me!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama