dil's different upbringing

[just2baccepted]

I don't expect my MIL to do a thing for me, nor would I want her to.  I just ask that she doesn't try to turn my own husband against me. I don't think that's too much to ask.  I just think about all the times I was nice to her and had good conversations with her.  All the while she was talking about me behind my back and I guess trying to sabotage my marriage.  All because I believe she has an unhealthy fear of abandonment.  That's just a guess, but it sure looks that way to me.  I want to tell her I'm not the enemy, we could have been good friends.  She hid all this well too.

[mom2]

JTB,

That was a nice post. I do, by all means, realize there are nasty MIL's out there and it sounds like you got one.
I am not discrediting you or HUK .
I just want to be able to say things w/o being told how I should act or feel. Like one of the comments were something like Gain trust, gain peace but in some DIL cases it's  ' Kiss A** and gain peace.

[Ihopeuknow]

Anna: it's okay to expect a return for what you gave your son and DIL.  But those are guidelines you should have had when you lent out.  That didn't happen and that's fine. To expect a return is one thing to expect your grandchildren's time as the return as payment for services or money rendered is another thing.

Just2b: I'm with you.  I too want that trust and security from my MIL.  I don't want things especially because I don't want to owe her.  But I do want to feel that there isn't this sense that she's trying to sabatoge my marriage.  I don't want this me against her feeling.  I want her to know that we are a family and I am not the enemy. Some of the people she listens to are giving her bad advice and telling her to shut her son out...they're the enemy.  Not I.

[just2baccepted]

Mom2 - I totally understand and respect your feelings as well as the other MIL's on this board.  It's hard to get fussed at for expressing your feelings.  I don't dismiss any of the MIL's on this site because I hate to say it but women can be caddy and very competetive with each other.

[Ihopeuknow]

Anna: I didn't say you shouldn't expect time with your grandchildren.  Just that you shouldn't expect it in return for what you've given your DIL and Son.

[just2baccepted]

Anna I hope you don't feel ganged up on here.  I really do think you have a sincere problem with your DIL. And I agree that you shouldn't' just be used as a babysitter and that you should be able to see them more one your terms as well.  You seem like a nice lady who just wants to spend time with your grandchildren on your terms as well.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all.  I think everyone is just coming from different points of view and we all have suffered because of our IL's in some manner.

Yes I can relate more with Ihopeyouknow, but I don't dismiss your problems at all.  I only wish the best for all of us.

[Ihopeuknow]

Anna: I wasn't addressing your babysitting situation.  I was addressing your idea that seeing your grandchildren was repayment for what you gave your DIL and Son.  You babysit the children and you get to see them...granted you don't get to do what you want with them but you get to see them which is more than most other MILs get to do.  Is it fair for you to babysit and then not get to do what you want when you want, maybe not but we take what we can get. Especially in a situation where everyone feels hurt.  You feel you're not getting enough time with your grandchildren and she probably feels you get enough time.  She may feel that weekends and her time off is her time with the children and when she has time with her children since she has to be away from them.  You feel she's hurting you and she feels the same way. 

She might be using you for your babysitting services, but then again would you say that your son is using you?  Because they're his children too.

[mom2]

Anna,
Throughout all of our family issues, I have always remained their number one ( free ) babysitter.
I won't bow to them but I will, when I can, watch the kids because I love them and I want to.
That is the one thing that is hard to understand... how we are so bad and yet Son and DIL have both told me " you are who we trust with our kids".

I have to say, although we don't see eye to eye, that my DIL is a very good mother and wife. She is just not willing to share her husband with his mom.

I do hope this gets better for us all.

[just2baccepted]

I think Ihopeuknow just made some good points, but I was thinking that I've seen this go on in my own family.  I have a relative who had a child and then expected her mother to practically raise him.  She definitely uses her mom and my sister has done the same crap to my mom.  So I guess to make a true opinion we'd have be on jury to come to a decision as to who is right here.  But I think what Anna is saying is that she feels used by her DIL and son.  Like they maybe dump the kids off at bad times for Anna but then when Anna wants to see them, like take them to the zoo then the DIL says no.  Am I right here? I'm just saying I can see how that would be frustrating.

[mom2]

I know women are competitive ! that's part of our makeup huh?

I do want to say that with the babysitting thing, I do what is asked of me to do with the children. I respect that they are their parents and I am the Grandma.

I always make effort to give credit where credit is due and my DIL/Son are very good parents.

[mom2]

Yes, I agree with Anna and that is being used.

[2chickiebaby]

sometimes the only thing we have to be able to fit in is to be used. 

[just2baccepted]

After being apart of this blog, I've almost been glad that I can't have kids.  I just don't know what to think anymore about any of this.

[Ihopeuknow]

Anna: I'm not being contradictory and I'm not trying to discount your feelings.  I'm going to get a bad wrap on here for this but I want to play devil's advocate.  I'm sure you have plenty of people in your life telling you that you're right and you may very well be.  I just want to give you the maybe on the other side of the coin.  If maybe you can see what your DIL might be thinking then maybe one day there will be some understanding between you two.

I don't think that it's 100% right for your DIL to deny you taking your grandchildren to special places but I can see how she wouldn't want you to take them if she hasn't yet.  If they're going to the zoo or to an amusement park or anything special she wants to be there.  She wants to see their reactions, she wants to be apart of that memory or she may want to have that memory herself.  And I hear you that she has yet to take them to these places, I can't comment as to why she hasn't, maybe time, maybe money, maybe something more sinister...I'm not sure.

But you being a mother yourself can at least understand why she would want to be the one to take her children to these places no? You can understand her wanting to do the "first" anything with her kids. 

[Kinzey]

I kind of want to go with what Ihopeyouknow said and I will probably get the wrap for it too, but the husband doesn't need to go against the wife unless some physical or psychological harm is being done to the kids. The dad of course doesn't understand because he is not as emotionally attatched to the kids like the mom is. And because all of you mil are of course mothers, don't you remember being over protective of your children at one point? i'm not saying this dil is right in her rude actions and her being b**chy but she does have a right to be protective and her husband does not need to go against her because his wife and kids are the top priority.