dil's different upbringing

[2chickiebaby]

Speaking only for myself, she does not want us.  She would like to have a friendship with our other DIL but she can't.  Too much water under the bridge. 

In the beginning she asked DIL to be with her against me.  So, that's what we're up against.

[2chickiebaby]

You're lucky, Anna.  If son wants you in their lives, I think that's a victory. 
Our son is only what she allows him to be.

[Ihopeuknow]

I think you guys are bonding over a common enemy.  Misery loves company and none of you feel good right now about your situation and instead of trying to help each other solve a problem your wallowing together about how the situation sucks and you've been shafted.

[2chickiebaby]

I know...it shouldn't be like that.  It should be building people up and working on trying to help each other. When we're having to defend ourselves, though, it makes it kind of difficult.  The other sites that bash MILs do this.  They bash, each telling a 'worse than yours tale.'  Their misery knows no bounds!

The difference is that they don't let an MIL on it.  This is the only place where we can post our misery.  DILs can get on this one.

I hope to begin a different path, thanks for the alert.

[Ihopeuknow]

I originally posted here because I did care.  Because my MIL and SIL were "tired of trying".  But honestly I'm at the point where if MIL and SIL are "tired of trying" and my husband is "tired of trying" why should I do all the work.  I have a perfectly healthy family on my side of the coin.  I would love for my husband to have the same but if they can't work it out it's not wholly my responsibility and I shouldn't be stessed out because of it.  We have our boundaries set and that's our new course of action.

[2chickiebaby]

I guess, in a way, I am wallowing.  This has been a tough blow to me and my husband.  I feel sorry for us.

I have to come to terms with their choice of mates.  I don't like it but I have to come to terms with it.  I just wish I never had to see her ever again. I don't think you'd like her if you met her. 

I'd get a twinge of hurt now and then when she comes to town or doesn't even acknowledge a gift I send her for her birthday.  I won't send another one. 

I know this is going to hurt son.  I don't want to do that but I can't keep giving and never getting.  I can take a hint.

On the bash MILs sites, they go on and on and on and no one thinks they're wallowing.  We're not allowed the same.  We're going to take our liberties  here, though.  This is the only site of its kind!!   

[2chickiebaby]

she gets out, it's trouble!!!

[Ihopeuknow]

I'm just speaking as a DIL.  I'm speaking as someone who has heard everything you're saying only I've heard it on the other side of the fence and I know in my case it's not true in which case it could also not be true for your DILs. 

And I've seen plenty of MILs on the sites that bash MILs...no one is keeping you off them.  I'm not here to rile up the MILs who are here for support but I hope I'm helping to offer a fresh perspective.

[2chickiebaby]

They do kick you off; I've been kicked off all of them. Lord, they are mean.

You are helping and I appreciate it.  Thank you!!  We need help.   

[Ihopeuknow]

In my case I don't have children yet but I do see how my MIL is a manipulative person.  She's even said that when we have children that she will do her best to make sure they see the "real me" the me that she sees.  I don't trust my MIL and because I know how she feels about me I don't want her around my children because I wouldn't want her saying things to them.  That aside what if she didn't say anything to them...okay.  She doesn't like me, but those children will be half me and it's not fair to myself to be an "incubator" so she can have grandkids and show them off.

It might be the same for your DIL she might feel that you would be a negative influence on her children.  I mean if you don't like her and she feels that she may feel that you don't like part of her children or that you would tell her children about her.  We are an untrusting group of people we DILs when it comes to our MILs.  Gain the trust gain the peace.

[Pen]

In our case we should have gained the trust already - we helped her out of a legal jam, paid our share of the groom's expenses, helped pay their rent, loaned them a car, paid son's tuition, etc. etc. We just found out that DIL just doesn't like who we are. It's nothing specific that we've said or done, it's just us. Our son invited us to an event and then had to cancel because she didn't want us to go. He was very upset and told us then how she felt. So what can we fix? And if they have kids, what chance do we have to see our grandchildren?

[Ihopeuknow]

You aren't concerned about money but "time with your grandchildren is payment enough" I understand what you mean (I know you don't mean anything bad), but it sounds terrible.  Your grandchildren aren't a commodity and maybe DIL feels that way.  Maybe she feels under the burden of "owing".  I feel when you do all of those things you do them not to earn trust but out of the goodness of your heart and sometimes when you do them you don't realize that there feels like there are strings attached.  Maybe there are no strings, but it can still feel that way and that can put a huge strain on a relationship.  Especially if you put the above quote into play.  Maybe DIL doesn't want to feel that you are entitled to time with her children because she "owes you" or that her children are payment for a debt.  And I'm not saying you did anything to make her feel this way, but we as women sometimes draw our own conclusions and fall prey to our own thoughts and feelings.

[just2baccepted]

Wow, I didn't know this interesting exchange was going on.  Now I see why I got jumped on in another thread.  Passions are high right now.

Yes I agree that problem solving is the better idea here.  Because it would be better if everyone just loved each other, but I realize the painful reality is that's not always possible.

Since I have been unable to have children I can't possibly put myself in the shoes of the MIL's who are hurting over their difficult DIL's.  I would just say please don't give up.  But I also want to say that for those of you who have had difficult DIL's, did you ever have a MIL that hated you for silly reasons?? It goes both ways. This crap doesn't just happen to MIL's.  I would say yes maybe I'm too young and inexperienced to see the lifetime big picture but I do know that the way my MIL has treated me is ridiculous.  I also like many of you MIL's wanted to loved my MIL as my own mother but she rejected me.  But as my husband said "don't feel bad, she would have rejected Princess Diana if I had married her."  My question is, why???

[Ihopeuknow]

Just2be: Nice insight.

[Pen]

We, too, did what our DIL asked, but then were told it wasn't enough (see previous post.) Never thanked, never acknowledged. Now hated. Wha???