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dil's different upbringing

Started by Kinzey, October 08, 2009, 11:51:33 AM

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Kinzey

Answering Mom2's question, they bought expensive tickets without seeing if we were available to go and I felt they should have asked before almost obligating us to go first.

mom2

Kinzey,

That was wrong on your IL's behalf and if ya ask me, that took nerve. If I were you I wouldn't go because to me, that is rewarding bad behavior; they would just be stuck with the expensive ticket!

mom2

Chickiebaby,

Me too ! no way could or would I do that! My DIL wouldn't want to do that either.

Kinzey

haha i really considered it but it would have hurt my husband more than my ils if I didn't go because he really wanted to go to the game and he wants peace between us. the only problem is that he doesn't see a problem with either one of us.

mom2

I understand that your DH wants peace, after all, you and his family are the people he loves.

It's sad if ya think of how some DIL's ( and Mil's too) claim to love their husband / son so much and yet put him in a position of choosing between his wife or family. I think that is why I just backed out of all the drama; I love him enough to do that. :( Maybe someday something will change for us ). I was never an assuming, intrusive person but still went wrong somewhere.

luise.volta

We are all so different, especially regarding our tolerance levels. Thick skinned/thin skinned. Outgoing/shy. Some of us are keener on obligation than others...some will keep trying forever and other give up at the drop of a hat.

For me, I am not going to accept even a minor role in anyone else's horror movie. I'm not going to condemn the producer, the director or the actors (much less the plot) but I am simply not going there.

Maybe it's because I'm 82 years old. My beliefs and values are deeply grounded in peace, kindness, understanding and fairness. Stuff like that. If others want drama, they will have to hire someone else to play my part. The answer is No!

I will work on issues, share my experience and negotiate...when I see that there is an open mind and heart opposite me...but if it is someone bent on harm in any form: No!

We also all have differing definitions of harm. I put thoughtlessness in the abuse category. Not forgetfulness or momentary shortsightedness but premeditated behavior that reflects my being seen as invisible or being continuously subjected to manipulation.

Life is what we make it. I want to make mine a joyful thing and I want to stay out of the way of those who have other agendas.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Kinzey

I think it's part that some people like our in laws crave drama. They need the attention to make them feel worthwhile. The problem is that the drama is causing others pain. My husband is completely clueless to what is going on and maybe its for the better. I don't want him to become the rope in the tug of war and I would rather be the "bad guy" to my in laws than my husband feel like he has to choose. I would hope he would stand up for his new family but I don't think it is fair to him to make that decision. But I do feel like I take a back seat to his parents and that he goes to them with problems before he comes to me. It has gotten better since I told him thats how I feel but I can still feel that he doesn't quite know how to go to his wife with issues before his mom and dad. It hurts but I don't know how to change that without him feeling my animosity towards his parents. I think it will just take time for him to learn to balance it out. He admitted to me last night that his mom has said she is having a hard time with him being married. It sounds weird but I'm glad she has admitted it so now I know what is going on.

2chickiebaby

You might be right about the drama, Kinsey.  I don't know....I think they're insecure and don't know how you feel towards them.

If I were them I would be so happy if you were nice to me!!  That would be all I needed. 

just2baccepted

But I do feel like I take a back seat to his parents and that he goes to them with problems before he comes to me.

Maybe thats because his parents demand that of him.  It may just take time for your DH to adjust to his new role in life.  He's their son but he's now your husband, which should be his primary role from here forward.  Maybe his mom and other relatives will adjust as well.  They've obviously played a very big role in his life, but hopefully he will mature and not rely on them so much.  However if that does not occur and continues being too emeshed with his parents then that could take a toll on the marriage.  But I wouldn't worry too much.  If needed you can always see a marriage counselor.  But don't let this fester.  you are his main focus/family now.  you'll soon have children I"m sure so he needs to wean his dependence from his family. (I'm not saying abandon them, just wean dependence.)  That's just my view.

2chickiebaby

please do not abandon them...I know you don't mean that literally, Just2be....but he will learn to little by little lean on his wife and not his parents.  Give it some time, please! 

Kinzey

Do you think there may be a chance for everyone to be happy in this situation? Does my husband need to make the effort to fix this and me stay out of it or do I need to do anything to help? I know there probably won't be much effort on my il's part so I know its up to us but how much should I do? or how much should I sacrifice to make this situation better?

2chickiebaby

Since I don't know your Inlaws, it's hard for me to say.  Does your MIL have a daughter?  If so, she will be a more secure person.  This hatred of the MIL usually is reserved for the Mother of the son.  If they have a Daughter, they can get thru it better.

Kinzey

Yeah they have a 20 year old daughter that they adore and thinks the sun rises our of her ***. She really is a spoiled brat that has been given everything without having to work for anything. She refused to attend any of my bridal showers even though I made her a bridesmaid for my husband's sake and she disappeared on the wedding day and we couldn't find her for pictures. I really can't stand parents who don't say no to their kids and let them do whatever they want. When my husband and I started dating she was still in high school and they couldn't ever tell her no even when they did she cried about it and they let her do what she wanted.

2chickiebaby

oh, that's just awful....a spoiled brat!  I think all that probably makes it even worse for you.

Seems like they'd appreciate you more but people are so strange, Kensey, that they might feel jealous that you are not like that. 





2chickiebaby

Kinsey....spelled your name wrong!!!