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dil's different upbringing

Started by Kinzey, October 08, 2009, 11:51:33 AM

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luise.volta

Some young DILs are closed minded and fit that picture. Lots and lots of them don't. I think the kind of person you were before you married gets magnified after marriage and may be harder to cover up. There are a lot of great gals out there that go on to become great DILs. Unfortunately, the rest of them become hair-shirts we have to wear 24/7.  >:(
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Kinzey

I agree! I can respect my in laws but I know that we cannot be close as of right now in our lives. We are just too different and if I open my heart to them I feel I will get hurt. I need to let their comments role off my back and respect them as my in laws but I can't let them too close. I tried that during our engagement and they made some very hurtful comments about the wedding and my husband didn't even say anything to them about it. As long as we just respect our differences and agree to disagree we should be fine and to keep our emotional distance.

2chickiebaby

Maybe it doesn't hurt your inlaws.  I hope they are not like me. If they aren't, they'll be fine. 

Kinzey

I don't think it will. There hasn't been much effort on either part to try to build a relationship with each other. They sort have their own little family bubble and there is no room for anyone else in it and they don't want to let anyone out and I really don't want to try to get in because I don't think I'm welcome in their family. I'm just an a new toy for their son

2chickiebaby

it sounds like they have a lot of loved ones.  If they won't accept you, Kinsey, there is something wrong with their tribe.  People who don't have issues will welcome others in.  I wonder if they are either self absorbed or insecure?

Someone I know had a closed family. It was them and no others.  Their family withered from within.  When you were with them, they huddled in one corner and glared at you if you entered their closed circle, even if you were an invited guest at their house!!  It was terrible.

I don't dare tell you who this was. Too much information.  Prissy wants to tell you all but I won't let her.  It isn't distant DIL.  I'm going to need to sedate Prissy with Lightening Pops.  She tells everything.   

just2baccepted

Someone I know had a closed family. It was them and no others.  Their family withered from within

Yes! that is exactly how my IL's are.  But thankfully they don't just do to me but to others as well.  MIL will even get bitchy if someone tries to talk to her in line at the pharmacy or if someone tries to talk to her grandson.  I've seen her be so hateful.  And when you limit yourself like this then you end up really being alone as you age.  Because I guess my IL's don't realize that loved ones do die off, then what?  So sad.  But they and others like them create this for themselves. Its hard for me to feel sorry for them, but I do at times.

2chickiebaby

oh my gosh!  I hate rudeness like that!  It is inexcusable and I can't tolerate it.  The ones I'm talking about weren't outwardly rude but closed together, just the 4 of them.  They withered from within and all died within a short time period except one. 

I'm sorry that you have these kinds of people in your life. 

2chickiebaby

She is majorly depressed.  Normal humans cannot live like that.   Not that any of that matters because these little kids are being effected.  How sad!!!! Strangers are the ones who will help you in most cases.  Not all of them are to be feared. 

Nutcase Mothers?  They should be feared. 

Kinzey

Its horrible how rude some people can be.  I'm so sorry all of you have to go through all this with the people who are supposed to be our "family." Can we even call these people family or are they are husband/sons family? I know when they say when you marry the guy you marry the family. I really don't feel like i did though. He has gone home to see his parents 7 or 8 times since we married in June but I haven't gone with him once. Mainly because I work but I just don't feel comfortable around them. I feel like I'm being shut out and I'm not even in the room when I'm around them.
His parents didn't even speak to me on our wedding day and his sister who I asked to be a bridesmaid didn't even talk to me or stay in our dressing room where we had food and had a great time before the wedding. My sisters went out of their way to talk to her and be nice to her but she took off to the guys dressing room. When it came time for bride/bridesmaid pictures she was no where to be found and she ended up not having her picture taken with the other girls because we couldn't find her.
A few weeks before the wedding his parents and the two of us had lunch with them where the told us that they didn't know why they had to spend so much money on the rehersal dinner. We told them we were engaged that we just wanted a bbq at my fiances house. They didn't want to do that and reserved a country club and then complained they had to spend the money. They also offered to pay for the tuxes after we announced the engagement and then at the same lunch told us that they thought it was inexusable that they had to pay for them! We were engaged for one year and they had plenty of time to tell us they didn't want to follow through with their offer and my parents could have taken care of it since they were the ones who were paying for the wedding.
I really don't think they wanted us to get married and I don't know how to deal with people who don't want me around their family when I married their son. Am I really that horrible of a person?

just2baccepted

Kinzey I'm so sorry. It sounds like everything has gotton off to a bad start.  You know I think the first thing I would do is sit down your DH and tell him exactly what you've said here on the blog.  Tell him how it hurts you and that you feel their rejection.  Not all people are reasonable but if his family is reasonable then maybe DH could talk to them and ask them to try a little harder to extend a hand to you.  I can tell you don't sound like a hateful DIL and that you really want to try. 

Don't give up quite yet.  Maybe IL's are just having a hard time letting go of their old relationsip with their son and moving on to the new relationship with him.  When I got married I never realized how difficult it was going to be.  It really shocks me because family should be something we all want.  I also assumed that my IL's would love me because I was nice to them etc. but that didn't happen, they were too caught up I guess in seeing me as someone who was taking away from their life instead of adding something special to it.  I want to think I can just accept this but I guess I haven't and that's why I keep blogging about it.  Its hard when you try so hard yourself to get these people to like you and then they don't.  Its causes a fractured family, and that exactly what we are.


2chickiebaby

Kinzey, you and Just2be are two of the people I admire so much.  Both of you really care and are trying so hard.  If you weren't good people you'd be doing what many DILs do, just ignore the inlaws or, worst yet, ban them from your lives.

You have both been done wrong and it's so sad to me.  You've tried and tried but have gotten nowhere.  I wish you would give it time, they have a great DIL who cares enough to try, so much so that you pour your heart out on an MIL site!!!

MILs here would love having you so you keep that in your heart while you go through this. 

Kinzey

Thank you for your kind words :) I'm glad I found this site. Even though it is for mil's I feel like you have been more help the the sites for dils. I have a few major events coming up where I'm going to be forced to be with my husband's family and I'm pretty nervous. I have a football game next weekend that they got tickets to (without asking us first) but I agreed to go because my husband begged me to go. Then we have my husband's graduation from college and I'm hosting the party but I asked my mil if she wanted to but she said she hadn't planned anything so I took over and planned the party he said he wanted. We are having Thanksgiving with my family so we are spending Christmas with his this year which means we have to spend a week at their house and I'm terrified haha. But all of your advice is helping get the right idea of what I need to to do so thank you!

2chickiebaby

When you have to be with them, remember WHO YOU ARE.  Don't let them make you feel insecure by anything they say or do.

Just know that you are safe and that whatever they do or say to you will not effect who you are.  Easier said than done but you can get through anything if you know it will end at some point. 

Can you believe how profound I am?  I need to learn to follow my own advice ???

mom2

Kinzey,
I really do understand your feelings and it sounds like your IL's are a force to be reckoned with! You seem like a very nice person who wants to try to get along and that is such a good thing. I read in one of Luise's posts that when one person pulls out of a conflict it loses energy and that is soooo true! In my conflict I was the one who pulled out; although I miss my family, the peace is wonderful ! There can't be anymore " she said, she said" because we don't see each other or talk.

Just wondering why you would spend a Holiday with them when things are like that ? Someone once said to me
" Do you know the meaning of insanity?" I said " nuts " he said " No, it is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different end result". I have never seen that definition but it sounded pretty darn good to me!

also I wondered why your IL's should have asked to attend a football game? Not saying they shouldn't have, just asking.





2chickiebaby

Whoa Nellie!  A week?  You have to stay a week?  Oh boy, if I thought DIL was going to be here a week, I'd have to get really sick and go to the hospital.