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Hi everyone

Started by esme, January 05, 2011, 05:29:57 pm

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Angel, you make a couple of good points, but they are the ones who did the inviting.  Did they not get through rudimentary math back in elementary school?  Kids are far more resilient, their bones are much younger!  When we would all descend on my grandparents in the summer, there were times we had 6-8 children sleeping on the living room floor.  You couldn't step in there without stepping on one of us!  We loved it, it was fun.  So, perhaps it's my generation, but, in a way, I think the parents' needs WERE the most important.  When people are older (and I don't mean 70's or 80's necessarily), they do need a comfortable bed and some extra accomodations.  We were lucky enough in our first home to have a bedroom with a private bath in our basement for my parents.  When they came to visit, they had total privacy.  But once I had my parents come, my brother and his wife and their two children.  I scrambled, but we made it!

DIL did probably throw the toy in frustration, but then she should have been enough of an adult to realize that the kids not picking up the toys weren't her MIL's fault, so she should have stopped - and then gone around and picked up the toys herself.  She must have realized that stuff was getting done and she wasn't doing it, didn't it occur to her how that was happening?  Why did she not think, "Oh, wow, if I'm tired, she's older, she must REALLY be exhausted."  As for the dinner, and having MIL do it at the last minute, again, why not think, "Hey, why don't we just order pizza in for the night?"  I think that you're right, they made a mistake in asking that many people there.  I also think they made another mistake by reverting to acting like children and expecting "the parents" to clean, cook and make sure everything worked.  When the parents didn't, they got upset.

And Esme, if you didn't set boundaries before, I don't know how it'll work trying to set them up now, but better late than never.


Part of maturing is doing it wrong, right? We invite others and have this expectation that it will all be lov-er-ly.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


First I would like to say I did not leave in Anger. I was hurt by dil lying telling my ds I did not talk to her for 3 days. I was hurt because I spent all day cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry..and not being thanked. I left because the only defense I had was to plead with my ds to believe me over his new wife. Yes....myself and my dh were willing to put up with the sleeping arrangements until the end of the visit. However, when the lying started, and when they wouldn't talk to me after cleaning all day...on top of that I was sick....well I just felt I was in a no win situation. Hopefully leaving as I did....we can all just chalk it up to the bad situation. If I had stayed and argued an pleaded with my ds's to believe me...which would have been worst?


and another thing I feel VERY bad about bring the dogs. I also feel very bad for my dil for what she put up with having all of us there. I think we all made mistakes hopefully though someday we can put this all behind and have a nice visit, but I just refuse to take all the blame in this time. The only way I could have stayed, is apologizing for sleeping on pull outs, for cleaning, for bringing food, (her complaint there was there was no room to store it) for cleaning, ...well I hope you get it.


Esme, you didn't do anything wrong. You were invited, and you did exactly what your DIL requested and left when you saw it could get more out of control. You contributed food, cooked and cleaned - the model houseguest. I'll put you up in the nice guestroom anytime! The dogs will have to stay out in the run since we have allergies :)

My SM actually invited herself and my DF to stay here and then demanded separate bedrooms and bath knowing that all the kids would be home as well. Although we resented being blindsided by their demands, I tried to treat them as my honored, invited guests. We even purchased furniture that would help them be more comfortable as well as accomodated their dietary restrictions. How many more visits will I have with my DF? Did they "earn" the better accomodations? Probably not, but they are older and have more needs. I hope when I'm their age my needs will be taken into consideration.

My children are respectful to their GPs because I raised them to be so, and we heard not one peep from any of them regarding their less-than-ideal sleeping arrangements. They understand that my elderly DF has certain needs that they, thankfully, don't yet have.

Perhaps your DIL needed to be the martyr for some reason, and her lying took it over the line. I understand why you left, was going nowhere. Live & learn! I hope your next visit will be much better.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Hi Pen,
My in-laws used to drop in and we all made you have done. :)
Believe when I say if I though of something I could have walked in and said I'm sorry for,,I would have. Thanks so much for your support. Thank you to everyone who had kind words and encouragement..I do appreciate it!


Esme, you did well.  Sounds like you handled yourself with grace and kindness.  It is fine to just call it a day.  I still have neices and kids who come to our house to stay and it is exhausting. Also, they want us to come to them and stay at their house.  We are blessed!  BUT...

But, like so many others here, I have learned to take care of myself by finding a nice restful hotel and managing my time at the kids' houses.  I feel tired after a long day of people and need a place to rest myself.  Maybe those kids of yours had no idea.  Kids don't realize who we are as older adults.  We changed and they still think we are these hearty young parents that we were when they were kids.

Why not see if time can help.  No need to go over details with them.  Give everyone a graceful exit.  that cold must have been a doozy! Oh and your back!!! 

So, maybe I am just naive' but why do we have to keep talking it over with our kids???  Cannot they just accept that maybe we are crankier than we used to be? When we were kids, there were all these characters in our lives that drifted through our homes.  Uncles and Aunts and crazy grannys and No one had to talk it over.  No one had to understand anything.  We just respected those visitors, fed them and sent them home til next year.  Geez!


"Those were the days, my friend...we thought they'd never end..."  :'(
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I thought of my response over the weekend, and maybe it is not generational. I think there are many different ways of doing things.  I stayed at my SIL's for the weekend a few months ago and it was every man for himself.  If you wanted something, you grabbed it yourself; if you wanted food, you cooked.  This was a bit disconcerting. I've never been in that situation before; however, I got used to it fast. It was actually nice. I certainly didn't feel like I was intruding, or that she was going out of her way.  That menat, my being there wasn't a big deal for her, and wasn't totally putting her out. 

This is not how I would do things if I had guests, but I'm not sure that it is wrong. That is how her and her family have always done things. Who am I to say it was wrong? (She and I are the same age by the way, so I think that may null my generation theory).

I adapted to her household, and it was wonderful; for different reasons than why staying at my house may be wonderful. I think flexibility may be key here; and learning not to hang on to expectations. Tough for me to do, but I think I got a lot more out of that, than being upset that she didn't wash the sheets for the bed we were in, or that the house wasn't cleaned. It was a relief to know that she didn't go to all this trouble to attain an ideal. It showed confidence on her part, and it made me actually feel like I was really fitting in to her lifestyle.


Now I smile bc we have stayed at my Sil's home too...and she too is the same way, and is older than I and my dh. Her home is wonderful, spotless, and open. Everything went wonderful and we have been there more than once. On evenings I felt like cooking I did,,,the nights she felt like she did. On those other times, there were sandwiches, soup u had what ever was on hand. I never once felt uncomfortable or in the way. In my opinion she was a wonderful hostess. I always just loved going there, and I still do to this day. So really I have to ask myself, what the heck??? :)