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Is This The Kind Of Thing MILS Do?

Started by catchingup, November 29, 2010, 01:38:07 PM

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Pen

DILs have a choice to marry into the family or not. MILs don't; we've got to deal with a situation not of our making and perhaps lose our sons as well.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

holliberri

Pen,

You say a lot that you were blindsided by your DIL's actions after she married DS. I was blindsided by my MIL's as well. I didn't have enough time with her, but that's how I felt. I was rushed into marriage to stay with a man that I love (due to military lifestyle); I didn't realize that once I married him, my *possible* very private life would be used for fodder and dinner table talk. It wasn't on display before I married him, maybe b/c she thought I'd just be passing thought by the time he got overseas...I'm not sure. I assumed (and I know where that gets me), that people knew I was making a very serious decision to stay with one man for the rest of my life, and that I really wouldn't dream of doing the things she suggests are all possibilities in my repertoire. She doesn't get a pass from me b/c she  had no choice in who DH married. If anything, when she says things like that (and she does remind me that she wishes she had a choice), it only makes me feel more inadequate when she's around.

I think I'm a pretty good wife. I don't think it's fair to tell DH that b/c of  his family, I can't marry him. If he loves me, and I love him enough to take care of him in the way that he deserves, somehow, I see the rest of the family (mine included) as having very little to do with it. I oblingingly stay quiet after the comments due to that fact, but it doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make it easier to take, and I think comments like that, no matter how my MIL feels, are on par with abuse and shaming. Still, I love him enough to put up with the outlaw whoopie cushion, I just have to come here to gripe.

Pooh

Outlaw whoopie cushion....Oh that's priceless...love it!  ;D

Ok, this one is all my fault.  I take the blame for somehow managing to turn this into a "who feels the most pain, MIL or DIL".  That was not my intention, I promise.  Been on both ends and they both stink!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Tara

Holliberry,

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with yr mils behavior and I agree it is abusive.  I'm so sorry.  You shouldn't have to deal
with this. 

Love and Blessings

holliberri

Every single situation is different, that's all. I can't say that my pain's worse b/c I haven't been there, but my MIL hasn't been in my shoes either; in fact, not even close.

People are people, and I think that's what we've all been saying here. I can't mish-mash my experience with Pen's or Pooh's, simply b/c that wasn't my ride to take in life. I believe, in hearing their stories, that yes, their pain is more real than their DILs. But, in my own experience, I believe the pain my MIL seems to think she's in is a little bit exaggerated, and I think that she causes pain a lot more often than she actually feels it. I'm just not willing to say (on here, of all places) that her pain is greater than mine and I just can't  understand. I guess I hear that enough on the homefront.


Pen

HB, I'm not saying your pain is less or that MIL should get a pass, far from it. No one should have to deal with outright rudeness and cruelty. The fact remains that as a DIL I had a choice. When I married the first time my MIL was heinous - I knew it going in so I just dealt. I was pretty certain by the time she was middle-aged and set in her ways I wasn't going to be successful at changing her, so I didn't try to do that, nor did I try to get DS to limit time with her or cut her off.

My second MIL was fabulous - I knew that too, and it's one of many reasons I said yes when DH proposed.

My DIL is a bit of a problem, but I had no say so. If I'd expressed my concerns before the wedding I would have been cut off right then and there. Like I said, I had no choice and no voice.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

holliberri

Pen,

I know we've talked about this before, but I don't think everyone is given a chance to gauge their choice appropriately.

My MIL never said those things before I was married. She really didn't sour until our extension overseas came to pass, and that was 6 months after the wedding. Plus, she never had the chance to start discussing  the possibility of my unfaithfulness (ugh) until DH and I were separated (neither he, nor I, deployed before we were married, so we were together, albeit for a short time).

She seemed perfect beforehand. And yes, since she didn't have a choice, I've certainly let a lot slide down my back. I think she acts out like this b/c she wanted a choice. Sometimes, just like when DILs get married and the horns come out, the very same thing happens with MILs. That's all that I'm saying. I really thought everything would be hunky dory when I got married: no problems with ILs, ever.


luise.volta

As I have mentioned before, at age 20 I married the wrong guy because I just loved his mom and she loved me. We divorced 18 years later but my MIL and I stayed tight until she passed at age 104. I have written about her here under Success Stories. She got a "lemon" of a DIL in me and helped turn me into lemonade.  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

pam1

Quote from: Pen on February 16, 2011, 08:57:28 AM
DILs have a choice to marry into the family or not. MILs don't; we've got to deal with a situation not of our making and perhaps lose our sons as well.

I dunno, I married my husband for him, not his family.  I assumed that they were normal people with flaws and relationships in general take time to develop.

I personally don't think I'm dealing with a situation of my own making or even DH's making.  This is all MIL/FIL there.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

luise.volta

Marrying your husband for him is much smarter, I agree!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

holliberri

Luise,

I know I've said this before, but I was in love with a guy's family when I was younger, but not him. I couldn't marry him. I also am in love with DH, but  not his family. I'd rather have it this way.

When it comes right down to it, even if I was aware of what would happen, I'd still marry DH. Not b/c it's not so bad (it could definitely always be worse), but b/c I love him. I didn't choose who I fell in love with. I'd like to hope he loves me enough to recognize he had no choice over that either. But...then again, I'm mushy like that; and he's a bit of a realist, so maybe he sees it differently.

pam1

Quote from: holliberri on February 16, 2011, 11:57:39 AM
Luise,

I know I've said this before, but I was in love with a guy's family when I was younger, but not him. I couldn't marry him. I also am in love with DH, but  not his family. I'd rather have it this way.

When it comes right down to it, even if I was aware of what would happen, I'd still marry DH. Not b/c it's not so bad (it could definitely always be worse), but b/c I love him. I didn't choose who I fell in love with. I'd like to hope he loves me enough to recognize he had no choice over that either. But...then again, I'm mushy like that; and he's a bit of a realist, so maybe he sees it differently.

Same here.  I asked DH the other day would he have still married me too and he said yes, but he wishes he never brought his mother in our life.  He didn't think she would get so out of control and just assumed she'd settle down after the wedding.

And dang, I wish I had that awareness back when I first met them.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

holliberri

Quote from: luise.volta on February 16, 2011, 12:00:31 PM
I was really dumb when I was 20.  :(

I didn't think it was dumb, I thought it was sweet.

And 18 years is nothing to laugh at!

luise.volta

Oh, I love being given the benefit of the doubt! And I did stay in for the long haul. I also got Kirk, who I would crawl over hot coals to have for a son. (In a way, I did.)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama