Is This The Kind Of Thing MILS Do?

[LaurieS]

Yes, but he suggested it be left at that which is a PM every six minutes to encourage people to use the Forum most of the time. He asked if I got a lot of complaints and I said I hadn't.

this wasn't a complaint.. it was a request

[Hope]

Wow!  You ladies sure were busy today.   
I've been gone all day and most of the evening and just now got a chance to check wwu.  I was surprised to see all the activity.  You are some good people, I'll say.  I've never felt that dil's or mil's in general were "bad" - as a matter of fact, until I ran into difficulties with my own dil, I never gave it a thought.  But since I've been torturing myself over the fact that our relationship with dil is so strained (which in turn effects our relationship with ds and gs), I've come to the realization that it's not b/c you are a dil or mil that makes you hard to get along with - it's just the individual person who happens to be a mil/dil.  When I read what some of the dil's write about their relationship with their mil, I think their mil sounds just like my dil.  Soooo, I think it's fair to say that we are all friends - no matter what role we are in - sharing the same hurt..... and are looking for ways to improve the relationships in our families.  Thanks to everyone who addressed my situation.  I am just exhausted emotionally and physically from this and I let it effect my attitude at work yesterday, which I truly regret.  Well, it's very late where I live - and I need to get to bed.  I just wanted to thank everyone for their input.  I value you all very much.
Nighty night, good friends.
Hugs, Hope

[Nana]

Ladie...Yes there has been a lot of activity in this post. 

I do think that while it is not a competition of who hurts more...mils or dils..., that mils pain is more painful by all means.  Why because we have our hands tight up and completely powerless.  And the pain of losing our baby (son) and smetimes our baby's babies (gc) can make us lose hope and love for life.   It might sound dramatic but still it is the truth for some of us that really really did not do anything to cause this. 

Imagine when we got pregnant, little did we know...we would have  wanted to have only girls because of the fear of completely losing our boys to their wives.  This shouldnt be like this.  I know it wasnt with my mom and mil....I loved my mil and still do (still alive 89 years old), and my sisters-in-law all loved my mom.  I had 6 sisters in law because mom had 6 boys....and all loved my mom (their mil) deeply.   So things were not always like they are now. 

I used to hear about evil mils when I was Young....and of course there were many .  I now think that these deserved reputation did not help the future mil's to be lol.  We were all labeled and there is where the problem started, I believe.  The new generations made their minds of setting strict boundaries toward mils, and here we are, all paying the price for those wicked mils.

Lets keep in mind that dils will someday be mils hi hi hi....lets see what happens (joke).

Love you all ladies...mils and dils (the good ones).

   

[holliberri]

I do think that while it is not a competition of who hurts more...mils or dils..., that mils pain is more painful by all means.  Why because we have our hands tight up and completely powerless. 

Nana,

I feel tied up and completely powerless against my MIL too. It takes a mountain of energy to get her to back down, so it's just easier not to.

I do think she'd agree with your statement. I'll never understand b/c I'm not a MIL. But that  doesn't warrant the comments over the years about my fidelity (or infidelity), and it doesn't mean that I'm the source of her pain when DH asked me to marry him.  Regardless of how we feel about  boundaries, there are some boundaries that don't need crossing, and that's one of them. I've never cheated on my DH, and I shouldn't have needed to "prove" my fidelity to her. Even when I got pregnant (and stayed pregnant) there was comments that the baby could've easily been someone else's. When we finally talked to her about this, she pulled the "you're not a MIL" card, and it totally invalidated my personal feelings about sensitive topics and unwarranted comments. I don't get an A in her book for staying by DH's "side" when he deployed for a year, making sure the house was tended to and the bills were paid and he didn't have to worry about a thing. I don't get an A in her book making my appearance at every one of their family functions in place of DH while he was away.

This started immediately once she found out we were getting married, because it meant that DH was overseas for not 2 years but now 3 years. She decided that I took him from her. I did not. I don't deserve that kind of power. Instead of looking at it like a relief that yes, her DS was going overseas, but at least he found someone to love and wouldn't be alone...she couldn't take "her" out of it.

She has the perception that I took her son and that I want to keep her away, and it's a false perception. I've never cut her off, I've called her, I've included her....I can't do much more short of moving next door to them, and I get the feeling that wouldn't be enough.

My point is, I can't get anywhere with her until she stops using the one trump card I don't have. My feelings don't count simply b/c hers are stronger than mine or more important or just something I'll never understand. Her MIL didn't do the things she's done, so she can't understand where I'm coming from, despite having been a DIL herself. It's an individual thing, not a MIL/DIL thing.

My mom also made several comments to me about "finally being a GP" when I had kids (after my brother had his). She wasn't aware of my subfertility at the time, but I felt that pressure was a little unfair. I may never have wanted to get married, and I may never wanted to have kids. That's not my job to make sure her desires as a GP are met, and it's not my job to make sure my MIL's desires as such are met either.

[lancaster lady]

Holly......I would love you as a DIL ....and a DD!.....I really don't know what she expects from you .You would be an.asset to  any family.....how you remain faithful to your MIL I never know !

[Pooh]

It is an individual thing and the hurt abusive MILs and DILs cause is the same.  It hurts everybody and everybody hurts.  When I said it can be harder for a good MIL than a good DIL in a bad situation, it wasn't to imply that it was a competition or that it didn't hurt either way.  Since I have been on both sides of the fence, I can tell you that I was very hurt by my Ex-MILs behavior and it caused much stress, for myself and between me and my Ex-DH.  But it was much easier for me to remove myself from the situations because I was not so emotionally involved with the MIL.  It is much harder to remove myself from being a Mother.

I have a best friend that I have been friends with since we were twelve.  31 years.  If something happened to her, I would be devastated.  I would hurt very badly.  I have another best friend that I have been friends with for 2 years.  If something happened to her, I would hurt and be upset.  But I have a lifetime of memories and love for the first best friend, and it would be much harder on me to lose her.  It doesn't mean I wouldn't hurt for my 2 year friend, but it would be easier on me.  That's the best way I can describe what I mean by what I said. 

I in no way want to invalidate what any of our DILs here are going through.  I know, it is still very hard.

[pam1]

I dunno, I'd be a lot more upset losing my husband than just backing off from my dad. 

[Pooh]

I dunno, I'd be a lot more upset losing my husband than just backing off from my dad.

When talking about DH, that is a different story.  You love this person or you wouldn't have married him.  You don't have to love your MIL or DIL.

[lancaster lady]

My MIL never gave me a kind word in her life .
My children never received a gift or card from her ever .
She never abused me either ,just didn't want to involved in my life .
My DH didn't have a close relationship with her either .
So when she died it didn't have any effect on me at all .How can you grieve for someone who was never
there in the first place .
We attended her funeral out of respect but no tears were shed .
So shall you sow ,so shall you reap ....is that the correct saying ?
you only get out of life what you put in .
Had my MIL made any effort whatsoever to befriend me , I would have returned her friendship ten fold .
Likewise my kids ...that was her loss !

[pam1]

I dunno, I'd be a lot more upset losing my husband than just backing off from my dad.

When talking about DH, that is a different story.  You love this person or you wouldn't have married him.  You don't have to love your MIL or DIL.

Exactly my point.  We can't gauge others pain or say a label such as MIL or DIL will carry more pain.

Do you think my MIL has more pain than I do in our situation?  You know what happened Pooh. 

[holliberri]

Pam,

You're one of the DILs that I wanted to cite, but I figured I'd better not.  I'd emphatically say no, she's doesn't.

[lancaster lady]

I think the amount of pain no matter how little or more is suffered is pain plain and simple .
how it effects the individual is another matter .
Depends on their personality and how strong they are in the first place .
If the person is heartless to begin with ,the the pain just slides down their backs .
Unlike the person who feels every little heartbeat ,for them its torture .

Thats why some people remain aloof all their lives ,so as not to be hurt .
Better to have loved and lost ....as they say .

[Pooh]

I dunno, I'd be a lot more upset losing my husband than just backing off from my dad.

When talking about DH, that is a different story.  You love this person or you wouldn't have married him.  You don't have to love your MIL or DIL.

Exactly my point.  We can't gauge others pain or say a label such as MIL or DIL will carry more pain.

Do you think my MIL has more pain than I do in our situation?  You know what happened Pooh.

In your case, no.  And I never said a label carries more weight. There is just no way to write who you are talking about without using a label here in the written word.  Ok, let me rephrase what I said so that no one thinks I am speaking about everyone.  In my case, the pain of losing a child outweighed my pain of shutting out a MIL whom I barely knew. 

[pam1]

I dunno, I'd be a lot more upset losing my husband than just backing off from my dad.

When talking about DH, that is a different story.  You love this person or you wouldn't have married him.  You don't have to love your MIL or DIL.

Exactly my point.  We can't gauge others pain or say a label such as MIL or DIL will carry more pain.

Do you think my MIL has more pain than I do in our situation?  You know what happened Pooh.

In your case, no.  And I never said a label carries more weight. There is just no way to write who you are talking about without using a label here in the written word.  Ok, let me rephrase what I said so that no one thinks I am speaking about everyone.  In my case, the pain of losing a child outweighed my pain of shutting out a MIL whom I barely knew.

The thing is, most DIL's I know didn't just simply shut out a MIL they barely knew.  They took hits to their marriage constantly, almost lost their husbands, had special moments intended for them and their child repeatedly taken away from them.  I have met a few DIL's online who have cut off and it wasn't a matter of just getting the MIL out of her life and they are in pain over losing *that* relationship. 

I don't mean to sound harsh but I think the pain most DIL's feel isn't really connected to losing their MIL, it is to their husband.  And most people consider their marriage to be #1 in their life.

Holli, you are very kind.

[Pooh]

They are out there.  We have several here, including me, that have them and are dealing with being cut-off just because.  Just as I knew many wonderful MILs and until I had a bad one, it was hard for me to conceive that an MIL would treat a DIL badly.  But it happens on both sides.  People are people.

I don't think you are harsh.  I think you are stating your opinion.