Is This The Kind Of Thing MILS Do?

[Tara]

"Pooh,
I like that saying, but what is it called when one person is pushing away and the other person is just trying to understand, but can't make sense of it? 
Hugs, Hope"

Hope,

sometimes a version of this is one person pushes away, the other chases after   and its called
                      "pursuing and distancing"  But it doesn't sound like you are pursing too much
                        more like giving ds and dil space.


I can appreciate the grief you are feeling with ds distancing sooooo much.  I've been doing some grieving myself
these days. 
                       

[Pooh]

No one wins if both sides aren't willing to give-and-take.  It takes at least 2 people to have a war and at least 2 people to sign the peace treaty.

Pooh,
I like that saying, but what is it called when one person is pushing away and the other person is just trying to understand, but can't make sense of it? 
Hugs, Hope

I call it banging my head on the drywall.

And I am in the same position as you, so I do understand.  I think it is harder for some of the DILs to understand what a MIL feels about the loss, unless they have experienced it.  Because as a DIL, when my Ex-MIL and I couldn't get along, it was no great loss to me.  Don't get me wrong, I hated it and would have liked it to be different, but this was not a person I had known my whole life.  This was not my flesh and blood and I held no automatic love for her.   But when a Mother loses her DS/DD, it is hurtful.  We have loved this person since they were conceived.  We have given our heart and soul for this person and they are the most important person in the world to us.   

It annoys me to see people put on here, "That's how it's supposed to be. Those are your expectations."  No, it's not how it's supposed to be.   Yes, those are my expectations.  I want to have a relationship with the person I gave birth to, nutured and loved my entire live.  Do I have expectations that when he/she has children that I get to love and hug that little person?  You betcha.  It's it because I feel entitled?  No, it's because I feel love and want to share it with that little person that has some of my genes and hopefully, some of my spirit. 

So hold your head up Hope.  We see them and know who they really are...hopefully one day they will see us and remember.

[Scoop]

Pooh - I really liked your words.  I know that I cannot understand, because I haven't been there.

But I do like how you put it, because it's true, my MIL doesn't mean ANYTHING to me.  In my plus/minus chart, she has more minuses than pluses. 

However, I believe that my DH and my DD mean something to her.  And she should mean something to them.  That's why I recommend that you (the generic you, not you specifically) work on your relationship with your son.  And it's also why I hate seeing the "evil DIL" get all the blame for the relationship problems.  (I know, there ARE some evil DIL's, I can't argue that.)

To Hope, have you asked your DS what you can do to make your relationship with him easier?  Ask him and let it sink in and even give him a couple of days to think about it.  I'm thinking of my SIL - she's a pill, not evil, but just VERY different from "us".  We know that to have a relationship with my brother, we have to 'put up' with her.  We also know that if we "toe the line", she has to 'put up' with us.

[Pooh]

Thank you Scoop.  I do know you are trying really hard and I applaud your attitude that just because MIL has issues, you never hinder any kind of relationship between her and DH/DD.  And you are right, the blame can not all be on a DIL/SIL.  The DS/DD has to take responsiblity for their actions or inactions. 

[Tara]

Scoop,

it was hard for me to read what you wrote:

"But I do like how you put it, because it's true, my MIL doesn't mean ANYTHING to me.  In my plus/minus chart, she has more minuses than pluses."

esp the caps ANYTHING.  I'm pretty sure my dil feels that way too but, its sad. 

I'm not criticising either by any means.  Its just a painful reality check.

[Pen]

..... I think it is harder for some of the DILs to understand what a MIL feels about the loss, unless they have experienced it.  Because as a DIL, when my Ex-MIL and I couldn't get along, it was no great loss to me.  Don't get me wrong, I hated it and would have liked it to be different, but this was not a person I had known my whole life.  This was not my flesh and blood and I held no automatic love for her.   But when a Mother loses her DS/DD, it is hurtful.  We have loved this person since they were conceived.  We have given our heart and soul for this person and they are the most important person in the world to us.   

It annoys me to see people put on here, "That's how it's supposed to be. Those are your expectations."  No, it's not how it's supposed to be.   Yes, those are my expectations.  I want to have a relationship with the person I gave birth to, nutured and loved my entire live.  Do I have expectations that when he/she has children that I get to love and hug that little person?  You betcha.  It's it because I feel entitled?  No, it's because I feel love and want to share it with that little person that has some of my genes and hopefully, some of my spirit. 

So hold your head up Hope.  We see them and know who they really are...hopefully one day they will see us and remember.
[/quote]

Great post, Pooh. I think this is one of the big differences in understanding between DILs and MILs. We MILs are often seen as trying to smother our darling baby boys if we simply want a relationship with the person we nurtured and loved for so many years. It's impossible to suddenly shut off that spigot when a DIL comes along who can't understand that she may be the DW, but we've always been the DM. If I text DS once a month I feel like I could be accused of smothering.

It also gives the insecure or insensitive DIL power and she knows it. If the MIL "misbehaves" according to DIL standards (which may be reasonable, but may in another person's situation be unreasonable) she can be cut off with no worries for the DIL, but with major consequences to the DS, ILs, and their extended family. That's a lot of power in the hands of one person who may or may not have the best interests of DS's family at heart. When my DIL began wielding power and we were cut off in her eyes (DS continued to communicate when he could) it changed our dynamic, our communication, our activities, our celebrations. Who should have that much power over a family that they married into? If DIL can have that power over DS's FOO, can DS have that power over DIL's FOO?

If we MILs seem a little overly emotional/dramatic about this sometimes, it's because we know there's a chance that no matter how awesomely wonderful we are or have been as moms or MILs, we can be cut off in a heartbeat. I walk on eggshells in fear of the one little mistake I might make or the one misunderstanding that will send DIL into a tizzy. It totally affects the free and easy relationship our family had. Now our gatherings have an edge of awkwardness; I never feel as if I've truly connected with DS and I miss him.

Tara, it was hard for me to read Scoop's words too, but as I said above that's the power DILs have over MILs. Scoop has a reason because her MIL did some really hurtful stuff, but some of us mean nothing just because we aren't blood relatives to DIL.

[holliberri]

It's probably hard for me to articulate, but by default, my MIL means something to me, if only because she  means a lot to DH.

I guess it goes back to what Laurie was saying about trusting your spouse's opinion on things. I also have to give her credit for helping him become the person that I married. To a certain extent, I think that means I have to take the good with the bad (the bad excluding outright abuse and violence). If DH doesn't like someone, I generally don't; if he likes someone, I generally do. His opinion and feelings do shape my own, even if they don't match mine exactly. I certainly consider it.

[luise.volta]

It's a little better every day. thanks. I go back to the eye doc on Thursday.

[pam1]

Just to add on to Scoop's (good) post, I think it's something to keep in mind that not all people/families are the same.  I wish my MIL would have just accepted that there are differences and different doesn't mean bad.  In my family we don't speak every day or even every week.  We go a couple months or more without seeing each other.  It's all gravy. 

So it shocked my system when someone wanted to see me a couple times a week and talk about private issues constantly.  And I think my MIL perceived it as rejection when I didn't want to do that. 

It's not, it's just how some people are.

Hi Pam1.  I know what you mean - it's difficult for people to adjust to being a part of someone else's family.  It's also difficult for people to accept that their own family has an important piece missing when a member of the family seems to vanish from the family portrait - so to speak.  My response to Scoop's post explains that we are not nearly as involved as dil's family.  We are here if they want or need us.  We love them, but aren't feeling love in return.  But love is a gift and you can't force it. 
I hope things get better with your mil and you can find a good middle ground.
Hugs, Hope

Hope (((Hugs)))  You have a good heart.

You guys are right, I don't know what it is like.  I really hope to never know what it is like to have a child shun me, I can't imagine the pain.  When I first came here I think I came on like raging bull towards the MIL title and I even sometimes am still guilty of generalizing and being too blunt.  I'm sorry for not taking better care with my words, sometimes I read what i wrote and dang, I can see how it was taken a different way.

But I do think there is a difference and there is no use in comparing tragedies whether it is what a MIL can lose vs what a DIL can lose.  We are all stuck in the same boat with bullies.

[holliberri]

but some of us mean nothing just because we aren't blood relatives to DIL.

..and there again, I've never been one to say "blood is thicker than water." That saying has wrought havoc in my mom's family because you were expected to submit, always help (even if it meant being taken advantage of), and put family before friends. I've never been able to do that, and I am very weary of families that behave that way.

So, that argument falls apart in my case as well: my family is not more important than DH's or vice versa; they're all just people to me. I'm related to them, and I love them, but I wouldn't necessarily think they come before all friends, and a few of my relatives wouldn't even come before strangers (a  few stinkers in my FOO    ).

Actually, if I consider family more like friends, as opposed to family, their minor transgressions are a lot easier for me to take. If I wouldn't get mad at a friend over it, I wouldn't get mad at them over it. Conversely, I don't break plans with friends b/c family expectations have arisen. I think this is where MIL and I butt heads from time to time.

[luise.volta]

I still drift (pun intended) toward my fantasy of putting the offending IL on a raft and pushing her out into shark infested waters.

(The pun is about those who want to do the same with me.  )

[Tara]

Holliberry,

I relate to what you said about friends.  Reminds me of a saying:  "Friends are family you choose for yourself"
Some of my friends are very much as close and important to me as family. 

Also, to dil's:   my mil from first marriage was as my dh says "sometimes evil ".  really bad.  but I think of
her more like an sometimes evil, unwell person vs a category of evil mil.  if that makes sense.  I've done alot
of work on forgiveness which I think has served me well enough to have inner peace most of the time about
her.

[holliberri]

Tara,

When I take the titles out of it, it becomes a lot easier to wrap my brain around. MIL isn't doing things to bug me b/c she's a MIL; she'd probably be doing it no matter what position in the family she held. I've seen her treat her mother the same way she treats me: crying, foot stomping, suggesting ridiculous changes in plans to accomodate her own wants and needs. It's a learned behavior for her; it works, on a lot of people; that's why she does it.

It eliminates my intimidation and really helps me define good versus bad behavior; instead of trying to define what a MIL should be doing. It also helps me b/c I know that there are some things that she says "as a MIL" that get to me, that if she were saying it "as a friend" I might feel differently.

Regardless, where it gets hard is when she does things I wouldn't tolerate from a friend. I haven't solved that dilemma yet.

[luise.volta]

Yes, because we choose our riends and can un-choose them.

[lancaster lady]

Hope:
After our family dispute ,my Ds said to me ''When you make up with F/DIL then you can see your GD ''
He couldn't chose me over her ..and quite rightly so ,hard for me to admit that but she is the person he has chose to spend the rest of his life with.Perhaps I taught him something of loyalty and love .
There was no row .shall we say , just a misunderstanding that the type of parenting she chose did not include GP's ..My argument was only to be told when my GD was a year old ,a year of rejection .in my eyes .
So we had to build bridges ,and through emails we were able to iron out out differences . no more eggshells ,just hopefully a mutual respect .
.Although perhaps she omitted to tell me about her parenting ,I chose to believe this was an oversight on her behalf ,I would have understood ,had I known .
I was very open with her and told her how hurt I felt not being able to bond with my GD .
I didn't want to be  another mom ,just a close GM .
So perhaps dealing with our DS is not the right approach for access to our GK .
He will not go against his partner no matter how much he thinks of his FOO.
The only way is through the mom, like it or not ,takes courage .
Hopefully your DIL will show compassion if she realises how hurt you are .
It's a horrible feeling for a family rift with your DS ,I had many a sleepless night .
It doesnt need to be a confrontation  , but it has to be done .

I just spent my first night babysitting my GD , on the eve of her first birthday .
So it was worth it . Depends on the individuals I know ,I wouldn't like to meet some of the
MIL's described on these pages .
We are not all monsters though and can really help you DIL's if you let us .