Is This The Kind Of Thing MILS Do?

[pam1]

Just to add on to Scoop's (good) post, I think it's something to keep in mind that not all people/families are the same.  I wish my MIL would have just accepted that there are differences and different doesn't mean bad.  In my family we don't speak every day or even every week.  We go a couple months or more without seeing each other.  It's all gravy. 

So it shocked my system when someone wanted to see me a couple times a week and talk about private issues constantly.  And I think my MIL perceived it as rejection when I didn't want to do that. 

It's not, it's just how some people are.

[Scoop]

I agree Pam, it was a hard lesson for me to NOT take it personally when my MIL was being "different".

Okay guys, what's the solution if the GP's want to see the 'little family' more often than they're comfortable with?  Who wins?  Or better yet, what's a good compromise?

If it's just about 'contact', you could send cards or letters - kids LOVE getting mail.  Put a sheet of stickers in there and you're GOLDEN.

If you both have computers, you could try SKYPE.  It's actually really easy to install (and free), but you need a webcam and a microphone.  My DD loves-loves-loves to sing and dance for Grandma (mostly because she can see herself on the computer screen).

As always, I suggest working on your relationship with your son.  One of my lines is "You can't MAKE me do anything, but you can almost always make me WANT to do something".  So make them WANT to have a relationship with you.

[Pooh]

No one wins if both sides aren't willing to give-and-take.  It takes at least 2 people to have a war and at least 2 people to sign the peace treaty.

[cremebrulee]

Thanks for your thoughts, Creme. I think you are right.  It is not their childhood home and I can understand them feeling like guests.  It's okay, but if only ds/dil would visit I would feel so much better.  I finally called our ds the other day and asked if there was a way we could see our gs more.  [We have seen him so little, that I could actually recall every visit with him over the last seven months.]  He said that he's been thinking a lot about it and he thinks they should visit both sets of parents once a month.   They live about 15 minutes from us and the same distance from dil's parents.  I told him that I was glad he was thinking about it.  It is progress, but I can't help but feel cheated b/c dil's parents and sister can drop in whenever they want to see him.  Also, it's common for our dil's parents to babysit him and the only time we had the opportunity was once after his bedtime on a work night, from 9:30 pm to 1:00 am.  I happened to be off work the next day, but my dh had to get up 4.5 hours after we made it home.  Our gs was down for the night when we arrived at their house, but he woke later and we fed him a bottle before putting him back to bed.  On the few occassions we get to see him, we are just two people in a sea of relatives since it is on holidays or special occassions.  I can't wait till our dd's have children so we can see what it's really like to be grandparents.
Hugs, Hope

Hope, I know how difficult this is for you...all I have to offer is try and be patient....and next time you and son talk, maybe you could inquire if you and your Dil's parents could share the babysitting.  It is so important for a child to interact within different members of the family, it helps them learn that there are different rules in different households. 

Sounds as if son is on his way to realizing, that you need a relationship with your GC....lets keep our fingers crossed, and know your in my thoughts....

Hugs
Creme

[Hope]

I can't wait till our dd's have children so we can see what it's really like to be grandparents.

Laurie, I know your question was directed at Hope, but speaking for myself, DH and I can't wait for our DD to have children so that we can experience what is like to be grandparents, unfortunetely she's having a very hard time conceiving.

Our only GD is 2 1/2 and we still don't feel like grandparents, it's sad. We see her every couple of months but she sees DILs FOO so much more, whenever i say something to DS he gets mad and blames me saying I don't have a good relationship with DIL, the truth is that even if DIL and I were on good terms, things would still be the same.

We're supposed to see her this weekend, we're all very excited and bought new toys for her to play with but we already know our DS will act like it's no big deal, nothing we do is good enough and a lot of the things we do are considered ridiculous.

Thanks for sharing, Barbie.  It's looking like we have the same situation.  Enjoy your gd this weekend - I bet she will feel really special and loved.  What a lucky little girl!
Hugs, Hope

[Hope]

Dear Hope and Barbie

I feel like you do.  Yes we do think/wish about our girls having children and know what is like feeling as real grandparents.  I know it perfectly well because I once was in your shoes.  And that was exactly what I told my dil at one time that she did come to me to talk about our distant relationship.  I said "I know that you are the mother...I never pretended to be the mother....I just wanted you to let me be your baby's grandmother":  So I do know the feeling....and it is very sad.  I truly in my heart hope you get lucky just like I did, and you get to enjoy your gc. 

My two daughters haven't married yet....and when I was having a hard time seeing or holding my gs because of my dil, they will tell me "Mom, when I have children they will all be yours to enjoy "and of course I would start crying. 

I will pray for you both.

Love you

Thanks for your prayers, Nana.  I'm not very good at confrontations or getting my feelings across without blowing it.  I don't know if I'll ever have the opportunity to tell my dh/dil that I just wanted to be their baby's gm.  I have never tried to advise them on baby issues, nor have they asked my opinion.  My ds never calls me and I try not to interfere in their lives, so I don't usually call him.  My dil and I don't call each other either - I'm trying to respect their space.  It's so different than the way I brought up our kids.  We visited both sets of grandparents (our parents) equally and often.  I'm trying not to have expectations - but I really thought we would always "be" in our children's lives - even as adults.  I didn't expect any of our kids to  all of a sudden drop off the face of the earth.  I'll never stop loving them.
Hugs, Hope

[Hope]

Here let me try this again.  Hope there is absolutely nothing wrong with your husband obtaining the babies photo for him to carry on his phone.  Your dil is sadly mistaken if she thinks that her postings are private and pictures not able to be copied by anyone who can see them on facebook. What is with these young parents to feel the need to take a power struggle to this level of hurt.. to me if they don't want to spend the money and have a picture printed for you then they should at least send you a electronic file so you can print your own... Where is your son on these decisions?

Laurie,
I'm so disheartened.  To answer your question, my ds has pushed me out of his life - he doesn't call me, he snaps at me the few times he sees me, won't smile at me - he is a changed person since he married.  I have no idea who he is any more - or where he stands on these decisions.  My dh thinks our ds is unaware of some of our dil's behaviors toward us.  I don't know what to think.  I'm so confused.  All I know is that all we tried to do is love them.  Sadly, now my love is expressed by giving them their space....lots and lots of space. 
Hugs, Hope

[Hope]

Maybe the DIL was upset because if her FIL could get the pictures, then ANYBODY could.  Some people are really private about pictures of their kids, and with good reason too - there are some CREEPY people out there.

And please stop assuming that the DIL's parents have pictures.  You don't know for sure.  And it only hurts yourself to make that assumption.

If you want pictures, ask your son.  If you know that professional pictures were taken, ask him where, and if it's okay for you to go and buy some for yourselves.

I don't know, it seems like a lot of the Gma's here have these HUGE expectations on how much they should see their GK's.  Okay, my Mom & my IL's are both out of town, but my brother is local and we haven't seen him since Christmas.  And we don't consider it a big deal.  We haven't seen the IL's since October and we saw my Mom at Christmas.  We often go a couple of months without seeing each other and think nothing of it.

Scoop,
I know you are trying to help me understand and I appreciate that.  I don't know how to express what we are going through to you.  We have not even talked to our ds's cousins about the situation and they noticed - they told my dh that everyone sees how bad they are treating us and they don't understand.  I guess you have to see it firsthand to understand.  I believe that the dil's on this forum are trying to have good relationships with their mil's and I commend you for it.  We are trying to not have expectations and we don't complain to either ds or dil about any thing.  That's why I love this outlet - I can share my feelings here so I don't have to guilt or pressure ds/dil.  But there's no avoiding the hurt you feel when you see your ds appear to not care about you any more.  On top of that hurt, I feel like just another relative to my gs.  I would have never treated my dm or mil this way, so it's so hard for me to understand.  You don't know me, but please believe me when I say that I have never said a cross word to dil or ds.  We have helped them out financially and with labors of love.  They are never satisfied - they will always find fault in something.  It's depressing, but we need to let them go.  I'm much better if I don't see them.  When we see them, the tension is so heavy that it takes away any possible joy.
You are correct that I am assuming that dil's parents get pictures of gs.  But I'm not assuming when I say that mil bought her own crib for gs's visits at their house (dil's mother told me), dil told me that her mom and dad babysit for them, dil's gm told me that she bought a swing just like dil/ds's baby swing for her house for when they visit, and dil's mother has told me that she spends the night at their house (even though she lives 15 minutes from them - the same distance we live from them).  My ds told me that he's tired of his mil spending the night at their house.  Dil told me that she talks to her mom at least twice a week.  I know what you mean about being private about pictures - not wanting creeps to see them.  My dil put our gs's pictures on her fb (that's how my dh obtained the pictures for his phone), is allowing gs to be a  professional model, and is additionally permitting his pictures to be posted on the photographer's website. I am adhering to the expectations she gave me before his birth - I do not post his pictures on my fb, we don't drop by their house unexpectedly, and we don't "call a hundred times a day".  As sad as it makes me, I know I have to let them go. 
Hugs, Hope

[Hope]

Just to add on to Scoop's (good) post, I think it's something to keep in mind that not all people/families are the same.  I wish my MIL would have just accepted that there are differences and different doesn't mean bad.  In my family we don't speak every day or even every week.  We go a couple months or more without seeing each other.  It's all gravy. 

So it shocked my system when someone wanted to see me a couple times a week and talk about private issues constantly.  And I think my MIL perceived it as rejection when I didn't want to do that. 

It's not, it's just how some people are.

Hi Pam1.  I know what you mean - it's difficult for people to adjust to being a part of someone else's family.  It's also difficult for people to accept that their own family has an important piece missing when a member of the family seems to vanish from the family portrait - so to speak.  My response to Scoop's post explains that we are not nearly as involved as dil's family.  We are here if they want or need us.  We love them, but aren't feeling love in return.  But love is a gift and you can't force it. 
I hope things get better with your mil and you can find a good middle ground.
Hugs, Hope

[luise.volta]

I wish I had something wise or encouraging to offer. I don't. When someone drops you, you often don't have any way to turn. I have been there...trying to understand...trying to undo what doesn't seem real...trying and trying.

All I can offer you is my love and compassion.

[Hope]

Hope, I know how difficult this is for you...all I have to offer is try and be patient....and next time you and son talk, maybe you could inquire if you and your Dil's parents could share the babysitting.  It is so important for a child to interact within different members of the family, it helps them learn that there are different rules in different households. 

Sounds as if son is on his way to realizing, that you need a relationship with your GC....lets keep our fingers crossed, and know your in my thoughts....

Hugs
Creme
[/quote]
Creme,
Thanks for your encouragement.  I'm trying to be patient.  I don't know when I will talk to my ds again to ask him to share the babysitting with us.  I have a feeling he doesn't have much say in anything in their marriage.  We are in the midst of a very strained relationship right now - for what reason, they haven't said.  I don't know why the big mystery - but my hunch is that there will always be something to find fault in.  After all, we are only human, right?  Dh and I will never be perfect, so I don't think we will ever meet their standards.
Hugs, Hope

[Hope]

I wish I had something wise or encouraging to offer. I don't. When someone drops you, you often don't have any way to turn. I have been there...trying to understand...trying to undo what doesn't seem real...trying and trying.

All I can offer you is my love and compassion.

Thanks, Luise.  I really appreciate your concern.  Your love and compassion are comforting.  Knowing this happened to you makes me realize that it can happen to the best of us.  Trying and trying is right.  Just trying to understand what the heck is going on...
Btw, how is your eye doing today?
Lots of hugs, Hope

[Hope]

No one wins if both sides aren't willing to give-and-take.  It takes at least 2 people to have a war and at least 2 people to sign the peace treaty.

Pooh,
I like that saying, but what is it called when one person is pushing away and the other person is just trying to understand, but can't make sense of it? 
Hugs, Hope

[luise.volta]

My eye feels a little better today. Thanks! (And we just can't understand the non-understandable. All we do is clutter everything up with logic.  )

[Hope]

Luise - take good care of yourself and your eye.  I hope you aren't overdoing it on your computer.   
It's great to hear from you, though.  You are very loved.
Hugs, Hope