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Will post this here since I know more people at this category....

Started by cdb, October 01, 2010, 05:47:11 am

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cdb

My mother in law is moving ONE BLOCK away from me in less than 2 weeks. The last time she was at my house I totally Lost my sense of control and started crying and yelling and pleading her and my husband to believe  I did nothing wrong like my daughter had accused me of. My mother in law said she believed me. I have known her for 33 years now, married 32. Her spouse died in 1991 and my spouses one year older brother was in charge of her money etc. until now when she ran out of money. The family of 5 kids never wanted to be involved or even see what the oldest brother did with her money (he bought her farm equipment etc. when her spouse passed on for who knows what amount and paid house payment and took his share out when she sold it years ago). The family will never sit down and discuss any of this. 32 year of pain and suffering to me from my spouses family, but not my mother in law. She was the enabler to her alcoholic husband and when my 2 kids were newborns she told me not to put up with my spouses drinking like she did and to leave him. Well, he got control of that, but not his Adult Child of an Alcoholic stuff. And he even took 3 months of therapy for that. Now he blames me for forcing him to go.....grrr.
So, my spouse found her this apartment which the govt will pay for now. I will not be told how much money he is spending on her or who is paying for gas etc. to move her here from out of state.
I am sure my daughter, who is angry at me will visit her etc. because she really likes that grandmother, well boy my kids do. So, I will be posting questions and suggestions soon.
I decided to let her see how things really are at our house so she was aware of what she is moving into here. She would have moved near her other 3 kids, but due to the oil boom there are no rentals. So, my inlaw family will be coming here for holidays etc. and boy do I have stories to tell about the times they came to this house and never brought food on xmas when it was a potluck. Got to let that one go for now. I am more assertive now.
OH boy, I can't even think of the future. Just need advice here or suggestions for now. And my spouse and I do not get along one bit now. I am just coasting through due to my disability. Okay, enough of that. Best not to borrow trouble for tomorrow. cdb

cremebrulee

Hi Cdb, so sorry your going thru this, it is not an easy task, especially when your husband doesn't support you.  Well, you know you have support here, I know it isn't exactly what you would like, however, we all do care for each other...

First, don't assume anything, not that you are, just throwing some thoughts out here.

Next, stay out of it, as much as possible...don't ask questions, just be suppportive of husband,

and 3rd but most important, do not allow mother in law to live at your home...keep her at bay....you don't want her in your life so much so that she is suggesting to you what to do, how to cook, how to clean this or that, or anything regarding your life with your husband.  Don't allow her to think of you as her best friend, b/c and this isn't in all cases, however, in a lot of cases, the MIL, can't stop being a mother, and nurturing.  You must set boundaries....from the very beginning, if you let her go once, it's over and she'll unfortunately cop an attitude of entitlement into your lives...

Spend some quality time with her, just you and her, if you like...(I don't know how close you are) but do not get involved in her financial status...leave that up to them.  That way, no one can blame you for anything...and if she discusses it with you...share with your husband things that you feel are important, but don't advise...

As far as holiday dinners...don't depend on others...if someone asks you what they can bring, tell them, however, make most of it yourself...b/c when you start dictating to people what they should bring, especially if they didn't ask you, they become resentful...

Actually, it is very rude of them to not offer, or not to bring you a small gift....or wine, or whatever....your mother in law, enabled them to be like this...she probably did everything for them?  I'm just guessing could be wrong...

I am jumping to conclusions here b/c I don't know your whole story, however, I do hope something I've said helps a little.

I wouldn't want my own mother living right down the street from me, let alone my MIL, no matter how much we got along...

I had to even set boundaries for some of my neighbors....and tell them right out, when they asked me how much some things cost, my reply was, "it's none of your business".  Just b/c someone asks, doesn't mean you have to share personal information with them....oh, and stay, stay, stay out of any family politics...when you distance yourself from them, you'll find your much more at peace...if you bump into someone from the family, when your out and about, listen to what they say, but offer nothing in the way of advice, or opinion to any of them....I really, more then anything else, wish to impress upon you and anyone else here, it is not good to discuss family politics with anyone but your husband...and even then, most of the time, men don't want to hear it...

In the meantime, best of luck....
Hugs and love,
Creme


luise.volta

People talk about learning curves but what's happening to you sounds like a vertical cliff! You need rock-climbing equipment for this one! I am sending all kinds of good stuff your way...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Kay

Hi hon, Sending you ((((hugs)))) and prayers. Whenever i start feeling bad for myself I try to focus on good people like you who are going through so much. Know you are being thought about with good wishes for life to be good to you. Blessings, Kay

cdb

Creme, you are right on with this! We do get along well and have. Yes, she did everything for them and one son for too many years. The rest of what you said is great advice. I wish I knew this years ago. I use to confide in on sister in law and she with me for a short time and it did no good at all. Your reply was very wise.  I can't turn back the clock, but if I could, I would have used everything you said.
Luis, I will do just that. This site is one of my rock climbing tools :) Please thank your son for setting it up too! I know how hard it is to set up these sites and keep them going with all the background computer situations that happen. I would love to be a rock climber again in my life.
Kay, thanks so much for your prayers and goo wishes. And the 2 women I met though my abuse women's group have been my fun people. We have a new leader of the group and we are so excited about how well she does with our issues.
I just love this site. I need to find time to give back too. I will try harder when things get settled with what is going to happen to my mom. I broke down and cried talking to the owner the other day. Thinking of the transition for my mom just scares me. I suggested putting an alarm system on the doors. And she thought about new door locks. My dad will talk to her, the county nurse and the hoospice people when he gets back. At least they aren't making her leave right now as they conveyed to him. That actually hurt his accupuncture treatments and gave him a lot of stress. The amount of money from this place to another coule be aas little as 2,000 more a monmtn and up to an additional 4,000 a momth.
thanks again for your repiles. cdb

luise.volta

Oh, cdb...what a tough situation. Your mother is so lucky to have you. Every day when I go to our nursing facility to see my husband, Val, (who is turning 99 today), I see people who have no family (that cares)...no advocate. It is a very loving and nurturing place but nothing...absolutely nothing...can replace a loving family member. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cdb

Thank you Luise! Happy Belated Birthday to your husband. My mom has had 2 happy days. She even remembered today that I was bringing her chocolate covered cherries :) WE held hands and I said we were dancing to the Lawrence Welk music. I just wish my daughter would see that I am not the monster that she thinks I am.  It is almost 5am and I cannot sleep. My heart is so broken. I did send my daughter and email about any ideas for the 3 year olds birthday and that I would like to stop by on my way home. Who knows if she will answer me. I found out my spouse brought her/my dog there. I do not trust her boyfriend or her to take care of him properly. He is a rescue dog due to her old boyfriend running over him (on purpose) and I was the only one that would help save him. I found someone to donate $1,000.00 to help his surgery bill. He cannot stand the cold due to all his back leg injuries and he is my buddy at night when I sleep. He even gets along with the 2 cats. I still can't believe all this is happening. My main goal is to stay out of the hospital for mental health. If I end up there, then my daughter and spouse can really point the finger and say I am the sick one. And I need to hang in for my mom and dad. cdb

cdb

My husband can just walk 1/2 block to see his mother. He is keeping so many secrets from me, I don't know what is up.  I noticed he wrote money to fill our pickup with gas and pull a large trailer to move her here. I said nothing. Then I saw a receipt for a guest card made out to a restaurant for 80.00 and asked him about it tonight. He said he, his mom and older brother split the cost for the lady that lent them the trailer. I asked about why his other brother and 2 sisters didn't contribute? He yelled at me louder than ever in our entire 32 years  marriage to SHUT UP! I will post a new blog about what is going on. The abuse here is escalating and my health is deteriorating. cdb

luise.volta

I don't  know, cdb - when you have to start playing detective...it's usually all downhill from there. Wish I could help. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Eva

OH boy, I can't even think of the future. Just need advice here or suggestions for now. And my spouse and I do not get along one bit now. I am just coasting through due to my disability. Okay, enough of that. Best not to borrow trouble for tomorrow. cdb
--------------------------

just a thought
we have a proverb that one mother could feed her 10 kids
but 10 kids could not not feed one mother
what would you do if it was your mom?

if you was married at 18+32 years together =50
his mom must be over 70 and having raised 5 kids
she need brake not bitternes
eveone of us makes mistakes
you know what I would do?

I would support 100% my husband,  I would ask him
how can I help with moving, and ask him what  his mom need most
$80 dollars for a restaurant bill for 3 people is not so much

and I would be very sad if my husband
would not tret his mom and brother
if to protect his own mom he lied to you
maybe you should ask yourself why?

and if it was my mom?
and my husband would behave like you?
I would not stay with him
I would move in with my mom.

ps my older sister (57) is taking care of my mom (83) in her home
since mom needs 24 hour care
every time we talk on phone
I am asking my sister what my mom needs
how could I help her
and I am sending her money to buy fresh fruits, honey, medicin...

give it time it will be better
just let your husband  do what he is doing and do support him.
God bless.

cdb

The restaurant gift certificate was for someone that lent them a trailer. There was more to this. The idea is for my husband to communicate with me. I have always told my mother in law she could live with us or we could build an apartment downstairs for her. The idea is how my husband is handling this and saying our money is his money and not mine. But i do like your other points. I have to take care of me now. This situation seems so unimportant now. Too bad my spouse doesn't not know empathy when it comes to me or my dad. He was very rude to me on the phone today when I told him that dad's cancer spread and he needs radiation at age 81 and with all his severe health problems. NO empathy but only lecturing that I should learn how to text better and who I texted to or didn't. For this woman, I just can't take anymore. I need my energy as the only child out of 3 who is willing to help their mom and dad. And not monetarily either. cdb

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

seasage

Dear cdb,

I too have been unhappy with the way my DH was handling a money situation with his brothers, mother, etc.  I knew --- and he knew too --- that one of the brothers was diddling the whole family.  For years I used to make remarks about it when he had just had a phone call from one of his family members about it all.

Eventually I decided that my advice was not wanted, would never be accepted.  I also decided that my DH needed a good relationship with his brothers more than we needed the money.  I backed off.  I don't discuss this anymore with him.  I simply try to support his need to love and be loved by his brothers.

My advice is to take the high road.  Support your DH in his desire to be with his mother.  Love him for his generosity.  Appreciate him for caring about others.  I would even tell my husband that he is lucky his mother chose to be near him.  I can verify from experience that trying to have a warm heart in this situation is more heart-warming to yourself than you had imagined.


luise.volta

Yes, S.S., that reminds me of the saying..."Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"

What DH is dong is wrong, you're right.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cdb

Thanks sea and luise and creme for your feedback. I am learning to be happy and not right. It is a very humbling experience. I have finally decided to try to mend things with my DH with my new closeness to God. What else can I do? Well, take care of me and my mom and pray, pray, pray. I am sure learning a lot since I joined this site. cdb