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What do MILs want from their DILs?

Started by Bride2Be, May 26, 2009, 07:29:39 am

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Bride2Be

I understood what you said.  I'm just venting right now.  Sorry.

Prissy

Don't be sorry.....you need to vent and this is the place to do it.  I can tell you, it might be hard on your FH to get rid of his Mother all together but he will do it if that's what it takes to keep you.

There's always a battle at the beginning to be the power person in a relationship and I think that's what is going on here with you and him.  He's not willing to give up the power and you aren't either. I think this is what this is about.

I'm very concerned with his cussing at you and calling you names. That is what is bothering me most.

luise.volta

That's bothering me, too. But it looks to me like both issues are duzies. (sp.?) Your FH and FMIL seem like a matched set to me that think nothing of running right over you, whether it is about the use of foul language and name-calling or whether it's child care. They seem to be bonded in a way that excludes you having a vote. Prissy called it, it's about supremacy. You are supposed to get that they make the rules...and knuckle down. Name-calling is so insidious. You get called something bad long enough and it gets to be part of you. (Look at the kids who get called stupid.) Your guy can't bear to think he might make his mom feel bad but making you feel bad doesn't seem to be a problem. I agree with Prissy. Look at your relationship...your future MIL may just be a mirror.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Bride2Be

Good Morning Ladies!!

Well once again my FH mother wants to rearrange the days to accommodate her for baby sitting.  My FH asked me last night at around 9:30pm to ask my mom to watch the kids today (Tuesday) and let his mom take them Thursday and Friday.  All I said was "I can't do that" and I left it alone.  I'm not going to argue about this anymore.  I have decided to wash my hands of it and let him deal with it.  If he wants to accommodate his mother, fine, but he has to do the talking from now on.  Apparently me saying my mother can watch them everyday no problem is punishing his mother, but his mother wanting to changes days two weeks in a row to accommodate her isn't inconveniencing anyone.  I talked to my mom about the whole thing and she said as much as it may hurt her to think that his mother spending time with the kids is most important, she isn't going to fuss.  She said she won't make a scene but she might not want to do this whole babysitting thing if it keeps changing.  I totally understand where she is coming from and I don't blame her.  So here I am feeling bad about my mom and the fact that she doesn't see my kids as much as his does, but I won't say anything for fear of just wanting to "punish" or "hurt" his mother's feelings.  I left home early this morning so he could find his own sitter and so I won't be accused of taking the kids from her.

I hate to think this but I'm wondering if she is doing this so she can get the kids all the days she wanted regardless of what else may be going on in our life.  Well whatever the case I know my FH will make sure she is content and happy first and then worry about everything else. 

luise.volta

Hi B2B, Where is all of this taking you? You decide, she decides, he decides. You decide that he decides how to deal with what she decides. He decides that she decides, then you decide to not decide. It never seems to get to a joint decision. It always about deciding what to do about what she decides that he decides is OK. How can you stand it?
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Bride2Be

I'm not sure where this is taking me.  I don't want to argue about his mother anymore and I refuse to have to cave to her desires constantly, but what can I do?  My FH is the quintessential son and who am I to ask that he be my husband first?  I wrote him a letter last week.  I described how and why I love him, how I TOTALLY understand his love for his mother and where it stems from.  I also said that because he grew up with his mom and it was only the two of them he sometimes carries that same mentality now and lashes out at me as if I'm the enemy or I'm trying to separate the two.  He still can't understand why I feel like the enemy but at least I got that off my chest and in a calm, constructive manner.  I wanted to talk to her to make things civil at least, but I don't see the point if there will be a struggle at home.

I'm not going to dwell on it, he loves his mother and is willing to put strain on every other relationship in order to maintain the relationship they had when he was a child.

luise.volta

I see the wisdom and the compassion. I don't see you not dwelling on it.

It feels off-balance to me but that's just one person's take. I feel that parental respect is one thing and it is a many-spendored thing but...you are establishing a new family unit in which the two of you, (not the three of you) are in charge.

Your FMIL can be loved, respected, included, considered and consulted but she is external. I don't get that she knows that and I don't get that he knows that and so your position as joint-head of your own home is constantly being compromised. (Again, my take, of course.)

I get that you don't want to mess with the intense dynamics between mother and son. You probably couldn't...but they still affect you deeply. They won't/can't let go and so he won't/can't move on. He can move out, father children and plan marriage but she reigns and he apparently isn't going to challenge that.

Sometimes it seems like that's OK with you and often you sound more than miserable. I would be.

Where my son is concerned, I am great at giving unsolicited advice. They share what is going on with them and I stick my nose into their business and give them my 2 cents worth without a qualm. They listen...they always respectfully listen. They tell me they actually like to get my take on stuff or they wouldn't share what was going on...but...here it comes...they then do as they please. That's why it works. I feel heard and honored and they feel (and are) free and independent. It's their home, their family unit (they have a love bird) and they have every right to run it as they choose just like I run my own home as I choose.

I think you have a bear by the tail. Does he ever treat her with contempt and call her stupid? (I didn't think so.)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

mom2

Hello Ladies,

I really can't remember ever wanting anything from my DIL. but I did love her and I welcomed her into my family and home. What happened ? I can't even begin to tell you but it has gone on now for a good 10 yrs.

I really need some honest opinions and all your prayers because I am really bitter now and I don't want a relationship with her or my son.

I do see them on occasion but there is tension and I don't think anyone is comfortable.

I will try to give you some brief history... First of all I want you all to know that one of the few times that I went to my Dil to talk, she did tell  me that  when I am around my son, she feels very pushed aside.I have tried to build her up in his presence etc.. but nothing ever helped.

I did finally decide that I shouldn't really be angry with my DIL because she never had any obligation to me and I am not her mother. My son is a different story, he not only allowed her to treat me very badly but he helped her !!

I have been discredited as a Mother, Grandmother and as a Woman. I have been told I am moody, I hold grudges, and need anger management and yes, I have been through all 5 stages of ' Death of a Mother in law'. That's just a  few things that I have endured.

On the times I was allowed to be a MOM or Grandma it was always on their terms and I would try only to hear a lot of negative stuff the next time she ( DIL ) decided she was mad at me again. I have even been told that I don't need to actually say anything because I speak in secret messages !!!!!!!!!! What in the world is that ?

Yes, I'm tired and tired of it. I love them but love only goes so far. I have asked God to forgive me for how I feel but I just can't help it. I never call them, I never go to their home, give advice or anything at all.

It is nice to have a place to talk to other shafted Moms... God Bless you all

2chickiebaby

Dear Mary and Anna,
I've been in every stage you have....for too many years to count. It is a pattern that seems to repeat itself unless you get a DIL who is not an insecure woman (Prissy wanted to call them something else but I had to intervene)

These women need total control and unfortunately my son must need that. He's totally contolled.  When I am with them, I am not myself.  She makes life a total hell.  Walking on eggshells doesn't make a happy place here.

I am sorry, so sorry for both of you and the others here who have to walk down this horrible road.  There is no answer for it.  Our sons allowed this and that hurts beyond belief.