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What do MILs want from their DILs?

Started by Bride2Be, May 26, 2009, 07:29:39 AM

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luise.volta

Your call, Bride2Be...our loss. Blessings, Luise
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

June 25, 2009, 02:07:24 PM #31 Last Edit: June 26, 2009, 09:46:13 AM by luise.volta
Just got back from lunch with my step daughter and I'm feeling sad that we may have lost Bride2Be after all of the times she spoke so highly of our site. I know members will come and go and that appreciation can easily turn to consternation. However, if you are still there, B2B, please think about just taking a vacation and then coming back. Yes, we may be stuck in our ways...but our ways are divergent and our intentions varied. Your voice has been deeply appreciated.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Bride2Be

Well when I thought my FH and I were making some progress about his mother, I am reminded that things are still the same and will never change.

I've been having babysitting issues lately.  I only work part time in the morning and I need a babysitter Monday through Friday.  His mother said what days she was available and that didn't work for me.  My mother doesn't see my kids as much as his does, especially throughout the school year so summer is a time for them to spend time with my mom too.  I wanted her to spend time with them since his mother is with my kids at least 3-4 times a week during the school year.  I told him that the days his mother said didn't work for me and that I needed to switch them.  Well that started an argument because he had to change things with his mother and didn't want to hurt her feelings.  After arguing for two days he finally said "fine" and went along with it.  Well yesterday his mother said she wanted to switch her day since she had something to do today (Tuesday).  I said no I can't just change my mother's schedule when she agreed to this long before his mother set up her days and the way I wanted it just made more sense to me.   The way my FH wanted it to be is that the kids go with each grandmother every other day, which means packing clothes every night and different toys for each house and also his mother wants to take the kids bikes.  I thought having to do all that everyday was too much and the grandmothers live on two opposite sides of town.  It made more sense for me to send the kids with one grandmother for two days of the week and three days with my mother (like I said my mother doesn't see the kids anywhere near as much as his mom.  My mom seeing the kids is just as important...isn't it?)  So when he told me what his mother said about not being able to watch them Tuesday, I just said I need a babysitter without problems so I can have my mother do it 5 days a week and his mother can see them after that.  This was all in hopes of having a steady babysitter not trying to remove his mother but to make it easier on me.  I had the same babysitting issues last summer because his mother would cry when she didn't get the kids even though I never stopped her I just had my own sitter and it wasn't a woman who wasn't happy that I broke up with her son(his mother).  Well why did I say that??  My FH told me I was disrespectful to his mother because I didn't include her in my solution with the kids.  He yelled at me, cussed me out and said I was being unreasonable because I wanted a steady babysitter and I didn't want to have to form my life around when his mother can do anything.  If she can't, she can't, no big deal, I thought.  I'm broken right now.   I don't feel like we have any unity, and he will always put his mothers feelings into our relationship even when it doesn't need to be.  I wanted to try to be civil with her, but I can't stand being yelled at as soon as I say something that isn't in her favor.  I'm not sure if I should marry him.  I'm hurt, tired, drained and most of all I feel like I'm not being respected as my kids mother because I can't say anything other than yes to what his mother wants to do. 

I'm so hurt right now.  I feel like there is another woman in my relationship who gets her feelings spared while I have to be belittled because everything I say is "unreasonable and stupid" when it's not up to his standards for his mother.

I need help.

Prissy

Dear Bride2Be,
I'm so glad you're back!  I have felt so bad for taking everything you said and not taking your feelings in account.

I can relay to you something that happened to me when my second granddaughter was born. It's a little different situation but I hope you can see it through my eyes.

DILs Mother came to their house and watched her 2 days a week and because I'm closer, I watched her 3 days a week while DIL worked.

One day, I had something I had to do; I couldn't babysit.  I called her Mother and asked her if we could switch days.  She said, "I think DIL is expecting you today"

So, I canceled my plans and went. I was really feeling like I was being taken advantage of though. DIL is a little spoiled but even if she is, I love her for being good to me now.

I had a business to run and they knew it but I had to do what they wanted me to do, when they wanted it, to have a good relationship with them. It's just different for an MIL.  I know I was "used".  But, it brought me so close to my Granddaughter!  Blessings can come out of anywhere.

Does your MIL WANT to babysit?  I am really upset that your FH cussed at you, though. That's what worries me.  I hope he's not being disrespectful to you.  There is no reason for him to do that.  I hope I helped!!  I know it's not much. 


Bride2Be

Yea she wants to babysit and I would never use her or my own mother.  I just can't always let her have her way in my life.  I understand she has something to do and that fine, that happens.  My mother said she could watch them and make all her appointments for after the time she watches my kids.  My FH and I don't have to ask his mother for anything, she offers everything and gets "hurt" when you say no or when I say I have another solution.  My FH has always said what I say is stupid and unreasonable, especially when it comes to his mother.  Don't I deserve some respect as the mother of his children??  His mom isn't the only mother involved. 

Bride2Be

I'm trying to be understanding, but when you're constantly told what you say doesn't matter and it's stupid it's hard to worry about someone else (his mother) when he will belittle me as soon as I don't do what he thinks she deserves.  I have to go now, I'm crying at work.

Prissy

yes, you should matter.  Your feelings should matter. I'm so sorry you're crying.....this is not good for you and certainly not good for your relationship with your FH.   I don't like that he's cussing you.  I'm sorry but there's no call for that. We do and say things that are not right around the ones we love the most, though.  You should have total say on what goes on with your kids.  Just hold on.  It will be okay.

lostone

Bride2be - Please consider going to pre-marriage counseling with your FH before you decide one way or the other.  You have a family to think about and getting everything out in the open with an impartial 3rd party could benefit both of you.

luise.volta

Hi Everyone, I'm heading out but I am going to be thinking about this while I'm gone. Off the top of my head, it seems to me that 5 days with one mom and none with the other was bound to bring increased problems. And I think lostone has a good plan. There are a lot of issues flying around. Lastly, name calling is a variety of abuse in my book...I'm with Prissy on that. I know that's not everyone's take on it but it seems childish and cruel, to me...like you are the only adult. See you later.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Bride2Be

I understand that five days with one may seem like it could start a problem.  But I can't worry about who gets what time when I have a job and I need a steady sitter and if my mother is it than so be it.  I guess his mother would've also been mad if I decided to send them to childcare 5 days a week.  It's the same thing.  If I lose my job because I'm trying to accommodate his mother, then what??  It's just a problem for her because it's my mom.  My FH's mother acts like she is the best of the best.  I can't please his mother and quite honestly I'm tired of her needs being met in my relationship.  I'm tired of worrying about a grown woman who can't take anything that's not in her favor.  She has spent so much time with my children and I haven't said a word.  I'm tired of my FH and his mother's whining.  I know if I told him to let his mother figure out the baby sitting schedule since her needs are so important, I would be wrong for not wanting to be involved.  I really can't stand that woman, I'm trying to be a bigger person about it, but deep down I'm tired of a woman who is twice my age acting like a child.  I'm tired of dealing with a woman who thinks she is god's gift and can't understand why I don't like her or how her words and ridiculous reactions push others away.  I'm getting really tired of a woman who supposed to be more mature but reacts like a child because her son's woman isn't acting like she "should", whatever that means.  I'm tired of a woman who can't accept that the relationship has changed between her and her son and she isn't the priority anymore.  I'm sick of the fact that my age seems to dictate the amount of respect given to me and not because I'm a person with feelings too.  I'm tired of this whole "I'm the mom, you have to love me, respect me and if you don't you're not good enough for my son."  It's all becoming a huge headache and it's not the reality I live.  In the world I'm in, you give respect to earn it not demand and act a fool when you aren't as loved as you think you should be. 

luise.volta

Well, I've got to say most of that makes sense to me. I still think you are punishing your FMIL, for not accepting two days and wanting certain days, by giving her no days. I'm also wondering if I might not have done the same thing in the same circumstances. You sound so totally weary of the whole thing.

Your life is multi-sided...homemaker, mother, employee, domestic partner to name a few of your titles. DIL is not primary...nor should it be. I hear you about being worn down by the constant friction. No wonder you're discouraged and also disgusted.

I have actually met women like her and wondered how those around them survived. I've seen them treat DILs like a stray puppy their sons brought home. After taking over a son decades earlier and never ever thinking of relinquishing that hold, the DIL is "taken in". Her "job description" is to fit in and place his mother first, just like the son always has. The MIL continues to reign and her family unit remains in tact. No new family unit is established, psychologically.

This is so different than what Prissy is up against. She is wonderful MIL material but has been terribly hurt by systematic character-assassination. She would never treat you that way. Conversely, your FMIL would treat any would-be DIL exactly the same as she's treating you. She doesn't see you as a unique individual to be honored and respected...she has a formula and you fit in or you pay until you get it and comply.

One thing that I have learned over eight decades is that she is probably not going to change. Any discussions about boundaries will either set her into self pity or she will agree and then ignore the whole thing. I don't think they will fit into her reality. In addition, setting them and then enforcing them is probably going to be a life-long assignment for you and your guy that is either going to support solidarity or tear you apart.

It think lostone has offered the only viable approach and that is counseling. If you and your guy lived a long way away, you might be able to focus on what you need to resolve. Even that is pretty overwhelming. Your being repeatedly called stupid is serious stuff. But being second fiddle to his mother takes up too much of your time and energy. They are both constantly trying to fit you into a mold that works with their dynamics and it just isn't going to work for you. You aren't stupid and you know all of this is off-base.

Well, besides that...I don't have any strong opinions one way or the other.  :D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Bride2Be

You sound like my FH saying that I am punishing her.  If I wanted to punish her she wouldn't see them at all. I'm not worried about her being punished, shes not that important to me that I would waste my time on punishing her.  She's just not worth it.  This is about a sitter and how it is more important to have a steady sitter than to cater to a whiny grown woman.  If I were to "punish" her, wouldn't that be the same as punishing my kids???  I love my kids way more than I hate her so I wouldn't hurt my kids to make a point to her.  Thats silly and thats something I'm not.  I hate this in law crap.  Its just useless.

luise.volta

Whoa! Did you read anything else I wrote?

I feel like I'm in your corner. Isn't it OK that your solution seemed brash to me? That doesn't mean that it was.

And I agree that the in-law stuff, as it is presented to you, isn't workable. No way.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Prissy

Bride2Be,
This whole thing doesn't seem like it's about her. It seems like it's about you and your FH.  You seem to be focusing in on her and not on the real issue and that's you and your FH.

All the anger you have towards her should be re-visited as if she was not in the picture at all.  She seems to be the punching bag of yours and his relationship.