What do MILs want from their DILs?

[Prissy]

So, is he her only child?  I can predict that she will be hurt and maybe cry. She behaved badly, making him guilty over her sadness.  It's interesting to me that he turned out okay, though.  Good enough for you to consider marrying.

He was raised in a single parent home?  So sad!  You were raised in an abusive, alcoholic home?  Have they reformed their ways?  Children of Alcoholics have problems of their own.  My DIL is from one of them.

She will "get it".  She will.  She will most likely need help (like counseling) but you'll have established your boundaries.  Anything is better than being completely thrown out.  I would hate to be left with my boundaries. Boundaries will not look after you when you're sick, go the second mile for you, keep you warm at night but you'll have them.

[Bride2Be]

My parents are just as happy as ever now and I turned out fine.  I never been arrested, in jail, on drugs, an alcoholic. Not all children from homes like that have problems like their parents, that's an over statement.  My father came from a very loving family with both parents who weren't on drugs, were deep into church and family, and he took his own path, so what does that say? 

He is an only child and he turned out better than good enough to marry.  And as far as it being so sad that he was raised in a single parent home, he was a happy child, even without his father around.  He went to college, he has never been to jail, on drugs, alcoholic, he's not abusive, nor is he a cheater.  He adores his children, both of our daughters are daddy's girls.

I'm not really concerned with her not wanted to be left out.  My concern is about how her intrusive behavior was affecting my relationship negatively.  I probably won't start going to her house or trying to be her friend.  She was completely thrown out of my life not everyone else's and regardless of that she deserved that treatment for her lack of respect for me.  And some MILs can't see past themselves to understand that they aren't perfect and that maybe their DIL has a valid reason for not wanting to deal with them even if you think it's not.  People can sense judgemental behavior towards them even if it is a sympathetic feeling for how they were raised whether it's good or bad.  I've heard so many times, "I have never met anyone who didn't like me." Bull.  Everyone has encountered someone who didn't care for them for whatever reason.  Just because they didn't express it to that person, doesn't mean it's not true or that their reasoning for not liking that person isn't valid.  I think MILs (even mine) need to be the first to hear and believe that it is possible for someone to not like you.  I think my FMIL thought something was wrong with me because I wasn't gushing over her and I wasn't running to love her like she thought everyone was doing.  Just because someone doesn't act like how you want them to towards you, does not make it OK to bash them.

I find it kind of interesting that after all I wrote in my last reply that they only thing that stuck out to you was the fact we were raised in a not so perfect homes and that either one of us would be "good enough" to consider marrying.  Are you shocked that people can turn out OK with adversity being their starting point??  It's very possible and I bet your DIL can sense those feeling from you and it's not a good feeling to feel from someone who wants to be so close.  I hope you let go of your bitterness because it is your problem and no one elses, nothing your DIL or son can fix for you. 

[lostone]

Wow Bride2be that is a very good turn of events, and it made me happy for all of you.  Sounds like your MIL needs a wake-up call, and I hope for all of your sakes she does.

On another note...I hope that you keep in mind that a lot of bitterness that some of us MIL's have is that we don't have DIL's willing to try and work things out or "help us see the light."  I for one wish that my DIL and ES had sat boundaries because that would at least say they cared enough to try.  Shutting the door without explanation (i.e., because the DIL "senses" the MIL's feelings) IMHO is selfish and inconsiderate.  Then to be accused of knowing or should have known is also a way of putting the responsibility off of themselves.

Communication is the key to success in all relationships.  You know what they say about assuming, "when you assume you make an A#* out of U and Me.  I use to assume a lot, if my husband said or did certain things that "he should know bothered me" I assumed he didn't care about my feelings.  Over time if the behavior continued I would grow more resentful until something small would turn into something major and spill out all over every aspect of our relationship.  Had I been honest and direct and reminded him, why I felt the way I did when he did specific things, and he made no effort to make changes or compromise then I had a real issue. 

It is so important to remember that others in our lives don't think the way we do, because they come from different backgrounds and have gone through different experiences.  So to me that is why it is so important to talk and S-P-E-L-L it out if necessary before throwing in the towell.

I'm not pointing fingers Bride2be because it appears you have tried.  I'm just saying we should all Iincluding me) be careful not to point fingers and/or take out our hurt and anger on others when we have not "walked a mile in their shoes."

[Bride2Be]

I never shut the door just because of what I "sensed" but also because of what she said.  And thinking someone should just want to be around you because you gave birth to the man they love is selfish and inconsiderate.  That's ass-uming too.  I might as well have ass-ume that his mother should have loved the ground I walked on but she didn't and I never thought she did.  I only accused her of what she knew she had did and all the things she figured were good deeds.  I explained to her many, many times that her words and neurotic behavior would eventually push me away.  Even when I would explain exactly what she said she would still be oblivious to what she had done.  Personally when you "sense" someones feelings it's hard to even want to try to be close with that person even if you are wrong.  We are entitled to let our intuition and gut feeling guide us to where we feel most comfortable.  That's like saying if I "sense" my man is cheating on me I would be rude and inconsiderate if I followed my instincts regardless if they are wrong or right.

Your right, no one knows what you have been through until they have been in your shoes.  So I can ass-ume that you have never been in my shoes with needy clingy woman who claims to care about you but then pushes you away because you don't fall into her catergory of a "good daughter in law".  I pushed her away because of what she said to me over and over again, I was more than willing to accept her and everything that comes along until it became hurtful.  I will always believe that being bitter will not affect anyone but yourself negatively.

[Bride2Be]

I appreciate this site more than any other I have found.  There are so many varying opinions that shed light on the differences between MILs and DILs.  I think we all have the same plight and having others who have just as difficult situations and who can understand is great.

Thanks again ladies!!!

[Prissy]

Bride2Be,
You can throw his Mother out with ease but he can't do that to your Mother, can he?  Sure, she's wonderful, why shouldn't she be? 

I was left as a child, alone, so that colors every thought I have, I realize that.  I make huge mountains out of molehills; I know I do.  I begged my kids to never let anyone come between us.  Their response: "Mom, how can you even ask that?  There is no way that anyone could come between us."

That was before DIL came in. She destroyed my life, my heart.  I know her home was not perfect, I've never held that against her, never.  If I can lift my own self up and be who I am today, anyone can.

Lostone helped me understand her. I don't condemn anyone for anything but to have this woman come into my life, love us and throw us away, demanding our son do the same is beneath contempt.

We've become a sad society. We throw people away for the slightest infraction and the one that throwing out is reserved the most for is the Mother of a son by his wife.  Our son had the hardest time doing that to us.  You can see it on his face.

Still, he runs to her after she's thrown a fit to calm her down.  It's taken its toll on him.  We don't want to make things worse for him, that's why we've backed away.  I think of him so much and remember the little boy who we loved so much. Maybe my fear of being left caused her to turn on me.  Maybe she thought I was "needy". 

When we met her, she was so nice....you have someone turn on you the moment they marry, after they have just acted like they adored you is hard to take.

I can't imagine our society lasting that much longer. You don't throw people away, you throw garbage away, not people.   There is something wrong and I'm afraid we're in for it in this country. 

[Bride2Be]

lol, I glad you mentioned that Prissy.

There was a point in time when we were having major car issues.  I lived upstairs from my mother and I asked her can I use her car to take my fiance to work and my kids to school.  She said "No he's too big to be in my car." Even though my mom weighed about 50 pounds more than him at the time.  I told her point blank that she better not ever say things like that about my fiance, the father of her grandchildren.  I would NEVER allow my mother to disrespect my fiance and vice versa, if she did to the point where he didn't want to be around her, then so be it.  I wouldn't lose sleep over it because I would be offended that she would even part her lips to say something so disrespectful.  He doesn't have to love or like my parents (even though he has a good relationship with them) and that's not the issue anyway.  That was the first and last time she ever said anything disrespectful to or about my fiance.  He NEVER stopped his mother from being rude to me because he didn't want to hurt her feelings.

SO your theory of DILs being so close to their mothers that they can do what they want is not what's going on here.  Maybe your DIL does that, but I don't.  Disrespect is disrespect no matter who it comes from and no one is going to put me in the middle of it.  I'm not afraid on telling those around me when they have said something I didn't like, my mother is no exception.  To get respect you have to give it and even my mother has to earn it just as I do.

I can tell you make mountains out molehills, lol.  It obvious in your posts.  You seem to think that cutting yourself off from someone is so horrible, would you really want to continually be around people who just don't respect you??  Would you really sit there and be belittled and insulted?? Maybe, I don't know.  But you can't change anyone and if they can't see the err in their ways, who am I to think I can change their thought processes if I just stick it out and continue to tolerate their unbearable behavior.  I have feelings too and as my mother would say "Stop looking for it and will come to you." So I'm going to stop looking for some respect from this woman, give myself time and space to heal, regardless if she does and keep on skipping.  I refuse to be bitter, angry, self righteous and just a ball of resentful feelings because of someone else anymore.  You have a long way to go Prissy, I do too, but I swear your are the main person on this site who reminds me not to be bitter and not to let this consume me.  There are so many other people in my life who love me for exactly who I am and I if choose to cut someone off because I don't feel it from them then I'm doing what's best for me.

[Prissy]

You have your standards and I should have had mine.  I should have told her, at her first outburst, to get out of my house but I didn't.  I allowed her free reign here.

Remember, I was wined and dined at first. I think I was in shock and kept thinking this couldn't be happening.

My Husband's mother said some things to me, I'm sure out of some need of her own that in today's world would have had her banished.  My husband loved his Mother and I realized, even at my young age that she would not live forever and I was not going to be the cause of hurling her out.  I grew to love her and have no regrets today.

Our society has become a very sad place.  I don't understand it.  Maybe someone with more wisdom than I have can explain it.  Lostone helped me so much in understanding her. 

[Bride2Be]

You're right Prissy, you should have.  She should have been on the curb with the trash that day just to let her know not to disrespect you.  But wallowing in your own pity isn't helping you at all.  I really hope you have other happiness in your life. You seem so unhappy.  Ihope you aren't bringing other down with you.

[Prissy]

I would never want to bring others down with me.  I want to say something here: my screen name, Prissy.....I'm about as far from "Prissy" as you can get. 

I'm a lady but I'm not Prissy.

You'd be surprised at how much this has hurt me.  If you have a son, remember that you might be treated the same way.  It will make you sad. You learn to cope and I still make people laugh all the time.  I write here because it's the only place I have to tell my story.  I'm glad I have it. 

[lostone]

Bride2be your post in response to my post sounded like you thought I was addressing your issue with your mother-in-law was a result of you assuming.  If so I apologize.  I thought I stated it more than once that this did not apply to you because from what I have seen you did try.  Probably more than she deserved considering all you have wrote about.  What I wrote in my post had to do with all of us trying to listen to each other without assuming any of us know how it feels to be the other person. 

I also agree that all of us should pay attention to our "feelings" about people, their actions and their motives, but I don't believe that alone should be enough to write them off?  I would hope if my husband "assumed" I was being unfaithful that he would talk to me or look for proof before walking out the door.  That was all I was saying - when someone acts solely on assumptions they could be wrong.  I can assume all day why I have been estranged but at the end of the day without knowing for sure I can not change or offer a sincere apology.

Let's face it...there are some MIL's out there that don't respect their DIL's and there are DIL's out there that don't respect their MIL's.  But I would think (there I go assuming) that everyone would agree that there could be no greater loss than when a parent loses a child, no matter how old their child is.  My uncle died in his 50's and I remember my grandmother looking at me and say it is not natural for a child to go before their parent. She had also lost her only girl at the age of one.  Still the pain was so great that she also said she would rather die than go through losing another child (my dad).  She was never the same, and soon after suffered a stroke and within a few months she died.  Going through this estrangment with my son has been like a death and let me tell you the heartache has been at times more than I ever thought I could bare.  It has affected every part of my life from my self esteem, to my ability to communicate with my other kids for fear of offending them, to crying insided everytime I see my sisters grandbabies one of which is 2 weeks younger than my granddaughter than I have never seen.  My marriage has also suffered.  I am on medication, have been in counseling, on multiple prayer lists, and still I have to get up every day and do my best to find joy in my life again.  I would gladly take the disrespect and unwillingness of my DIL to want to be around me, whether deserved or not, just to be able to see my son one more time and tell him I love him.  So no I don't know what it feels like to be in your shoes but neither do you know what if feels like to be in mine.  I wouldn't wish this on my anyone not even my worst enemy.

[Prissy]

Lostone,
You have more wisdom than almost anyone I've ever seen. Thank you for explaining it in a more articulate way than I could. 

God bless you, Lostone.  Thank you, Luise (another wise woman) for this site.

[SouthernBelle]

What a wonderful "family" we have here. I love reading the posts and following the logic (and lack of logic.)

Lostone, I was so touched by the clarity that you brought to the kind of behavior Prissy's DIL has laid on her for the last what...16 years? What a different perspective to see her as sick inside and disabled. And to get what Prissy's son is up against.

No matter how obnoxious she is, how can anyone hate a person who is sick inside and disabled? What's the sense in making life about hate? Why call anyone names like mutant or freakoid if that person is sick inside and disabled?

I can't get over how that could change things. Not the exiting circumstance and the dead ends because loss is loss but it seems to me like understanding could help
a lot in letting go and moving on.

I am going to take a closer look at my snippy, selfish DIL. No, I don't think she is BLP but she's a pain in the rear. (Yeah, I can see how judgmental that reads.) I have never gotten that she is doing her best but maybe she is. I'm just starting to get that I don't know her monsters any more than she knows mine. Thanks! S/B

[Bride2Be]

None taken, I just wanted to explain that not all DILs are the same and that I feel like I have taken every path possible to get this woman to see that I don't hate her but she will respect me.  I also just wanted to clear up that I really feel like my instincts have been the best thing to happen to me.  It has kept me out of trouble my entire life and it hasn't steered me wrong yet so I have no reason not to trust it.  My instincts have been there for me when I thought other people were and luckily I followed my instincts or things could have been worse.  I think I feel this way because I have a low tolerance of people treating me badly and I won't stay around long enough for the "poo to hit the fan", lol.

[Bride2Be]

I think I'm going to delete my account though.  I think I have gotten all the info I needed from here and I don't want to caught up in the bitterness and lack of logic.  Most of the time this site has been helpful, but I also see that there are those who can't see anyone else's point of view.  So I will say goodbye.