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In need of advice again

Started by Barbie, December 18, 2010, 07:20:35 PM

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mareluvsbrig

wow it really seems like you have the same problem I do.  All I can say to you and keep your chin up and suck it up.  You are not in control, DIL is.  End of story.

Nana

Barbie

Yes you should not insist.  She was loud and clear.  Now, your son telling you she already knows what you are going to say?..... she anticipates your reaction?   Get out of that game...it isnt enjoyable.   

Barbie hang in there and be happy with what you do have. 

You and your husband have a Merry Christmas....
A big hug for you
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

holliberri

Oh Barbie,

I'm learning to redirect my thought patterns and it is very hard to do. A bad habit of mine is that I have "negative assumptions" about things, people or events. I "already know" what will happen or be said. 

The truth is, this may or may not be true, but when I'm right, I remember it! That only furthers my negative assumptions and keeps the cycle going.

I think your DIL may be having a little bit of this. I think it is an insecurity thing; you try to anticipate and plan your reaction to things. It's very unproductive. I've learned that backing off in my expectations has been helpful. I really have NO idea how things will turn out.  My stress has been reduced significantly because of this. I didn't even know I was doing this!

I'm just pointing out that she may not even realize what she is doing; and the truth is, what she is doing is really her problem not yours. I promise you this isn't just affecting her relationship with you. Negative assumptions creep their way into work, home, friendships; just about anywhere you can imagine.

I'm sorry I can't offer much more than that.

Butterfly Journey

Hello there!
My advise as a dil.
I would continue to move forward in keeping your opinion to yourself. Enjoy the fact that you'll be spending time with your GD and your son over the Holidays! It's a blessing! Plus, you won't be monitored... yippee!!  ;D Make sure to send back a nice plate of food and treats along with her Xmas gift. You could attach a little note to the plate with Merry Christmas (name) Love (your names). A very simple and personalized gesture in my opinion. Welcome your son with love and don't make any "pokes" or "comments" about his wife. Just enjoy his company...he's home! Bring out the old albums, put them on the coffee table and share some memories with your gd. It's a great way to involve the whole family! Make it light and fun! If you have some old family decorations hung on your tree, take your gd by the hand and point them out. Children love to be apart of family traditions so pass it on!! Now...you have the opportunity to bond with your gd! Go for it! Have a wonderful Holidays season! PS - Take lots of pictures!!

Nana

Butterfly

Great Post.  Thank you for sharing as a dil.  Yet some dils are closed to any intent to get close.  I continue to believe that due to terrible mils, we were labeled and are paying their misdeeds lol.  I love it when you young dils come to this forum and give us your perspective.    We learn everyday.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Barbie

These are all really good ideas.

I love reading the DIL's perspectives. My DIL is well educated, she's also very insecure and needs constant reassurance and attention. I believe a lot of her insecurities come from being ashamed of her family, she's tried very hard to better herself, but feels really bad especially around me that the two families have nothing in common.

As for me, each day that goes by I feel more at peace with myself thanks to all of you who have helped me realize that her happiness is up to her and this whole thing has nothing to do with me, I tried making a few changes per DS's request and it didn't get me anywhere.

DIL and I connected at the beginning but we now know that she wasn't being honest, once she knew DS was going to marry her, her true colors started to show.

Pooh

Welcome Butterfly and great post!  I too, love to read the perspectives of DILs and learn from them.

Barbie, so glad you are feeling better.  Holli, I love your ideas!

And Nana.....MUAH!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Nana

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

jdtm

This will be blunt - I suspect your DIL suffers from BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder.  If I am correct, you will never win, she doesn't want you in her life, and you will be slandered and victimized.  Whether or not you continue to see your son and grandchild, that choice belongs to your son.  I'm sure he does not know this yet, but I suspect the next "plan" will be to remove your grandchild from your life; followed by your son. 

Please educate yourself on this disorder - there's lots of information on the internet in how to "interact" with those suffering from this disorder.  I know - we've been there.  The first Christmas that our DIL did not attend was 2002 and it escalated each year from there.  Luckily, the marriage broke up in 2009 but the hurt and pain does not disappear over night.  We were lucky in that she not only abandoned her husband but also her children.  Nonetheless, one of the two grandchildren has "sided" with the mother.  It's better but I don't think it ever will be "good".  I pray that my suspicions are wrong in your case (that your DIL is just insecure) but I doubt it.  May God be with you because you'll need Him ....

luise.volta

Please be really, really careful when trying to decide what's wrong. Sometimes even the professionals aren't sure. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama