March 28, 2024, 01:53:16 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Would You Want This Woman at Your Daughters Birthday?

Started by GreatWhiteNorth, November 26, 2010, 06:28:36 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

GreatWhiteNorth

December 14, 2010, 04:43:28 PM #30 Last Edit: December 14, 2010, 04:45:45 PM by GreatWhiteNorth
Catching up- that is so interesting about those verses, I tend to follow the first one the most.

MIL had declared war a long time ago. When MIL launches an attack, what she does is she tries to pick a fight, typically by a whole string of shenanigans that are meant to push buttons. If the person gets upset with her, she plays victim and she gains attention.

I have decided that I want peace and am unwilling to fight with her and since MIL never comes without launching any attacks the best way to keep peace is to just withdraw, not have her here to launch her attacks to begin with. MIL is frustrated that I won't fight with her.

When she has pulled her shenanigans in the past, I have just walked away and MIL will grandstand at this point, all about "what did I do?" she is trying to gain the attention even when I walk away. So it frustrates her to no end when I just don't have her here as my way of getting peace from the situation.

What DH does not realize is that I am not looking to fight with her or be mean to her, I am actually just withdrawing from the conflict as I don't want to participate in it and when he tries to have her over here, he doesn't realize the position he puts me in.

This is not a new trick of MILs, she pulled this one on FIL for years. FIL would be talking about blueberries and how they taste and MIL would answer "oh why, oh why must you berate me" then she would sulk her head and people would say "ah poor mom". The problem is that FIL has a thick accent so he is hard to understand so it would be easy to mislead people.

The one time I watched MIL burn his food all week (we were staying at the summer place years and years ago), then on the weekend when the others guests come that she wants to protray victim to, after a whole week of burnt dinners FIL states "ah....you will probably burn it again" but this time since her guests are there, she chooses not to burn it. She takes out the unburnt food and sulks as if Nothing, nothing she ever does is good enough and they say "ah....poor mom" and MIL has effectively demonized her husband and played victim and received all kinds of attention.....but they don't see how she set him up all week.

These are the games that this woman plays....on a constant and continuous basis. There has never been even once that she has not come over with games like this.

Should be interesting to see what she pulls at Christmas, one of my three exposures in a year time fram to her...the one without the buffers of SILs family. Wish me luck :)


Pen

Good luck...may you find a way to keep smiling through it all. Do not let her ruin your day!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

catchingup

December 14, 2010, 08:52:27 PM #32 Last Edit: December 14, 2010, 08:55:03 PM by catchingup

About that movie Pen.
A little Hitler would portray her exactly.

Greatwhitenorth---Keeping quiet to keep the peace is exactly what you will later regret.

Pooh

Dang it!  Orly's devil has just come for a visit to me again and told me to tell you GWN, "I have thought of a great Christmas present for your MIL.  Go to the children's toy section and get a Snow White magic mirror......ha ha ha ha"

Orly!  Come get him!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

catchingup


Rather buy a recorder or use a cell phone to record her when she goes off on one of her tantrums then give it to her as a present. ;D ::)

mareluvsbrig

I am a MIL and this is horrible and I can't even image acting like this to my DIL.  End of story.   

cd1029

I would reconsider whether I wanted any of DH's family at the birthday party.

Why not have a kids party for the child's friends ... and not the family?

If the rest of MIL's family can not be trusted, then don't invite them. 

GreatWhiteNorth

cd-1029-
This is exactly where I am at. I stopped having family birthday parties in May of 2008 due to MILs behavior at them. It was easier just to focus on the child part, that is the part the child enjoys most anyhow. These are at an outside venue with boundaries around them as to time and there are lots of people there to witness MILs behavior should she show up and attempt to crash it.

The first year MIL actually crashed it, she showed up and tried to wrestle the one 3.5 year old for his seat at the kids table. We literally had to tell MIL that those seats were for the children.

The mistake was that I invited BIL and SIL to this since their cousins are kids, I figured they could come to the kids party, they are kids. But see how this gets snowballed into their dance around the pink elephant of the family?

I have to remember that they are a dysfunctional family unit, that when too much focus is on the pink elephant that this unit dances around, I miss the effects of the dysfunctional family unit.

I have learned to never ever invite ANY of this dysfunctional unit this year and I will not that mistake again. All I am learning is that they are so enmeshed that any positive will extended to any of them is also expected to extend to MIL.

I am going to do this childs party early next year so that when they call and invite themselves like they did this year then the party is already completed. There is nothing to crash.

I have noticed that my DDs birthday is the one that is most suseptible to this behavior, I think it is because it is so close to Christmas and Christmas is a time that MIL ramps up big time. I need to do the party early, take it out of the Christmas window, do it before rememberance day.

It is very frowned upon here to start to celebrate Christmas before Rememberance day, so if I do it the beginning of November we should all be free and clear of the holiday effect.

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama